Husband moves in with woman for a month, now wants to reconcile..

[Bex44]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years in July, it hasn't been the best marriage but it wasn't the worst. We have a 9 year old boy together, and I have been a stay at home mom for those 9 years.

My husband always resented me pretty much from the beginning. I could never have the house clean enough (mind you I am no saint and there were times the dishes sat, or the laundry piled up.), I could never show him enough affection, I was never adventurous enough in the bed room. When he would get upset about these things he would pout and give me the silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks. In the past 10 years I can probably count on both hands the amount of times he has said I love you on his own accord, or kissing me or hugging me. When I would hug him I would have to physically wrap his arms around me, when I kissed him he would make it a point to roll his eyes. He never instigated sex, but it was my fault if he didn't get the amount of affection he thought he deserved.

I love carpentry, about a year ago I was offered an apprenticeship with a French carpenter. My husband threatened to divorce me if I pursued it, telling me he wouldn't be married to a "lesbian or a man". I didn't want to lose my family or put our son through a divorce so I sacrificed that dream.

I was beginning to feel purposeless, i felt like an idiot trying to force myself onto someone who clearly didn't want me. I would always fail.

A few days after Christmas, and a week before our sons birthday, he tells me he's unhappy (again). This is nothing new for me. I go through the motions of taking blame for his unhappiness, I'll do better at the house work, I'll instigate more sex, I'll dress different, I'll be more feminine, etc. it was always that everything was wrong with me.

The next day he was gone. He would barely talk to me. He wouldn't tell me where he was. I was begging him to come home, he wouldn't. He said I didn't love him, that he needed to find happiness. He moved all his stuff out and was gone for 3 weeks. He called our son twice in those 3 weeks and one of those times was a birthday phone call. I silently mourned in between karate class, birthday parties and play dates. My world was falling apart.

The day after my birthday he says he wants to talk. As I wait for him to show up I'm running the dialogue through my head. How am I going to get my family back together? The conversation took a turn for the worst. He tells me he has been living with another woman, and had been cheating on me with her. He seemed remorseful, and I saw him cry for the first time in our 10 years together. I wanted to forgive him, for our sons sake.

I was angry but I began the process of forgiveness. I planned a trip just the 2 of us to a bed and breakfast. I did my best to show him through affection that I forgave him, although it was difficult. I was so angry. But if I wanted to move forward I had to push those negative feelings down.

Things were going ok for about 2 weeks. We had given each other 5 small things we wanted to see the other work on. I asked for more I love you'd, kisses, hugs, and support in my passions. He asked for me to listen better, be more feminine, cook at home more, be more adventurous. I immediately began work on my list. I bought lingerie for our trip to the mountains, I had the house immaculate at all times, all while still dealing with the hurt and questions of why he did what he did. How could he abandon us and live with her? But I pushed on. But then I noticed he wasn't working on his five, he started the eye roll kiss again, began to pout, silent treatment. When I confronted him about it a couple days before we left for our weekend in the mountains he tells me "I love you but I'm not in love with you"... really? Some cliche bull****! It was to late to cancel the weekend so we went, it was horrible, I cried the whole way home, he didn't bat an eye. When we got home it was more of the same. "I can't love you" "I can't fake it". I asked for counseling, he wouldn't.

I broke down, I sat in a parking lot and cried for hours. My heart finally broke. I began to lean on friends, and get back to doing the things I loved, I volunteered for habit for humanity, met new people and rekindled family relationships I had neglected (because he never liked my family, he always looked down his nose at them) took Jack (our son) on our own vacation. I started to feel happy again, I didn't know where he was and what he was doing and I didn't care.

I asked him if he could be home one sat to keep Kack while I went out with some friends. He said he would. I came home that evening to drop off jack. He was there Drunk with one of his friends who has drunkenly trashed our house before on multiple occasions. I was pissed, he was so selfish, irresponsible. I took jack to his moms to be watched that night, but not before my husband told me **** off and I was a piece of ****.

I flipped a switch inside myself, the one that made me feel anything for him, it was off. I went out that night and ran into an old friend and had a revenge affair. I know it's not right, I know I shouldn't have done it. But I did. I woke up the next morning to a text from my husband saying he was moving out again, and apartment hunting. When I got home his half of the closet was empty again. I didn't care. I was relieved. I wanted to move on and find a new normal.

3 days later he wants to come home again. I didn't want him to. But his mom owns the house we are living in and was threatening to kick Jack and I put if I didn't. Do I did but I wanted my space.

I continued to see the man I had an affair with on the weekends, I didn't feel feelings for him, I enjoyed being off the grid, and the attention had been craving for so long. It went on for about a month when my husband hacked my Facebook and found out. He confronted me with it, I didn't care. He was hurt, I didn't care. Now he wants to try.

I entertained trying for a sec, but I wasn't going to be quiet, I told him everything I needed him to change for me to be happy, always acknowledging my faults too, but he would just fight me, he can't commit to making me feel wanted or loved. I'm done. I can't anymore. Our son can't live like this, he deserves 2 happy parents.

That brings us to present day. Last night he left the house and I got phone calls from friends saying they thought he was going to hurt himself. I couldn't live with myself if I caused him to do something stupid like that. But I feel like he's just trying to pull me back into his web. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't want this marriage. I don't want to take the sparkle out of our sons eye, and I don't want my husband to hurt himself.

How do I navigate this mine field?

[stillafool]

He isn't going to hurt himself he's too selfish for that. I don't blame you for not wanting him anymore after he said he's not in love with you anymore and can't fake it. So what were you supposed to do stay with a man who isn't in love with you? I don't think so, life is too short for that shyt. You are doing the right thing by divorcing him and I wish happiness for you and your son.

[d0nnivain]

My EX committed suicide. If your husband kills himself that is HIS CHOICE. You did not murder him. The threats are a form of emotional manipulation. If you genuinely think he's serious, call the police & demand that they do a wellness check or involuntarily commit him on a 72 hour psych hold.

 

 

Staying together for your son isn't all that it's cracked up to be. He will simply see 2 unhappy people suffering.

 

 

You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Given that your MIL owns the house, you may have to be the one to move. Start looking for a job immediately. You need a source of income. Given that you have always been a SAHM & your husband wouldn't let you accept the last job you were offered, I suspect you have great case for entitlement to alimony, at least in the short run.

 

 

You two have both had affairs & you have different views on what marriage should look like. Don't try for reconciliation. I don't see that as a happy path for either of you. If you are bound a determined to do everything to save your marriage you need MC. It will be impossible to resolve this on your own.

 

 

Good luck. Neither path before you will be easy.

[PegNosePete]

You should definitely see a lawyer to discuss your living situation and rights.

 

His mother may own the house but it has been used as a marital home and you may well have habitation rights, especially since you have a son to look after.

 

SEE A LAWYER.

[mikeylo]

I don't see anything that can be saved here! Get your finances in order and get the ball rolling.

[RecentChange]

What a mess. This will never be a happy loving relationship. Having parents live separately is much much preferable to teaching your son that this high level of malfunction is normal.

[Simple Logic]

Sounds to me like you have already passed the point of no return. Drive on and find happiness.

[girljoe]

All of what I am going to say will sound lame compared to the magnitude of stressful things you are working thru, but here goes anyway. The situation you describe is heartbreaking and I am so sorry. However, I can see that you are a strong person so I have no doubt that you can persevere and create a better life for yourselves and your son. I also think it is commendable that you have worked so hard to save your marriage. Even though your husband has refused counseling I think you could use the help to work through the confusing and difficult issues you describe. A counselor who shares your value of marriage and family life should be able to help you even if your husband isn't participating in counseling. Your son's school may be able to recommend a counselor or try contacting local churches. They often know of reputable, licensed counselors. A counselor can also tell you about options to help your husband if he is suicidal. Giving in to the demands of a genuinely suicidal person does not help them or you, which is why it is so important to get help.

 

I hope my lame ideas are helpful and I am praying for guidance and strength for you.

[whichwayisup]

Look at your marital history. There's nothing to save. You two are comfortable on some level together but there's no love there and hasn't been maybe from the get go.

 

For mental stability of your kid(s), divorce. Have shared custody, be amazing co parents to your kid(s) and have a genuine respect for each other as 'mom and dad'. Put the kid(s) first always and get along for their sake.

[Arieswoman]

Bex44,

Your husband is an abusive, controlling, drunk who has been whittling away at your self-esteem from the word go.

 

For the sake of your own sanity and you child's mental health get out of this dysfunctional mess.

 

As others have said - see a lawyer/solicitor ASAP.

 

Good luck.

[Love2015]

I am so sorry to hear this. Nothing we say will comfort the pain you are going through. Please meditate and seek counselling. Both of you let ur marriage turn ugly. You are not at fault he cheated but yes not to walk away once he did. You are at fault for cheating urself. Two wrongs don't make one right. Counselling can help of why u both together in the first place. U may want to save it and in some crazy way believe he is the one for u. I can tell u ... I was there. The difference is I walked away and dealt with the pain of being blindsided. But my best revenge was to do exactly that and heal on my own terms. I wanted to safe it too but I am happy I didn't. I had advice from peoplease saying get a lawyer ASAP. I didn't want to yet I think it was best advice. I don't hate my ex...I think I have gone though process of forgiveness of him and above all myself. Don't worry and even if it sounds cliche time heal all.

Educate yourself about all ..the law, child custody, abuse, narcissistic personality disorder. Try to make decisions dettached. U can read my posts about my experience.

 

I still I am dealing with things...property issues and dating insecurities and poor choices....however I can say even though I loved my ex hb ....that was the best outcome for me. In hindsight ...I think it was all for the best. There us hope. There is only one rule. Be Happy.