Husband's dinners with female friends

[darkmoon]

put a detective on them... let us see a bird's eye view

[aileD]

ok so does he let you know where they're going?

 

Just show up. Watch from afar for a bit. If he's even where he says he's gonna be. Not to be a Debbie downer but something stinks here . I think you need to do some investigating on your own

[BettyDraper]

Something in the milk ain't clean.

These dinners are not innocent if you are not permitted to attend and one of the ladies has a crush on your husband.

 

You need to stop allowing your husband to blatantly disrespect you. Sometimes you need to be willing to lose someone to keep him.

[curiouslysearching]

Something in the milk ain't clean.

These dinners are not innocent if you are not permitted to attend and one of the ladies has a crush on your husband.

 

You need to stop allowing your husband to blatantly disrespect you. Sometimes you need to be willing to lose someone to keep him.

 

It does seem a bit odd....but who knows it might be totally legit

[EZNona]

ok so does he let you know where they're going?

 

Just show up. Watch from afar for a bit. If he's even where he says he's gonna be. Not to be a Debbie downer but something stinks here . I think you need to do some investigating on your own

 

Thank you!

 

OP, I don't know how you've been able to tolerate this for so long. I would be livid!! After the first time he forbid me from going, I would have been out there with my best friend stalking the hell out of that double date. Even if that meant creeping in the bushes!!

 

You definitely need to get some eyes on these dates...whether it's you or a detective...somebody! Find out what's so secretive about this get together, then put your foot down hard. If he is doing this because of the girl, then he is putting you very low on the priority list.

[mightycpa]

HODE ON JUST A MINUTE HERE.

 

OP, clear one little thing up for me.

 

Let's say he was taking you out on dates, 9 - 12 times a year.

 

Would you object then?

[road]

HODE ON JUST A MINUTE HERE.

 

OP, clear one little thing up for me.

 

Let's say he was taking you out on dates, 9 - 12 times a year.

 

Would you object then?

 

Hold on to an hour, or all day and your hat.

[]

Because married people are not to go out on dates

with the opposite sex.

Edited March 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[SoleMate]

Given the frequency, secrecy, and tooth & nail defense of these evenings, their nature is clear. I recommend a PI to monitor these evenings out and see whether they all pile into one hotel room for a 4-way or whether they get 2 separate rooms for some quality 1:1 PIV and PIM. Because that's the only real question I have about these evenings.

[Cephalopod]

Given the frequency, secrecy, and tooth & nail defense of these evenings, their nature is clear. I recommend a PI to monitor these evenings out and see whether they all pile into one hotel room for a 4-way or whether they get 2 separate rooms for some quality 1:1 PIV and PIM. Because that's the only real question I have about these evenings.

 

You would think this would be obvious. Denial aint just a river in Egypt.

[mightycpa]

Hold on to an hour, or all day and your hat.

[]

Because married people are not to go out on dates with the opposite sex.

[]

[T]here is no evidence that this is a date in the way that you mean it. Yes, the optics are bad from our perspective of knowing next to nothing about these "dates", but on the other hand, he went out with this group and then called home to arrange for sex when he returned. That's got to be the last thing on a husband's mind after a tryst on a night out. And while I'm on the subject, if he goes out and spends some time in the company of two lovely women and gets the urge to come home and shred his wife, what's wrong with that? My wife has gone out with her pals many a time and come back hot and horny and insistently ready to go. I'm not supposed to appreciate that?

 

Second, from the very start, OP has made a big deal of two things, as if they are related:

 

1) He goes out with this woman

2) He doesn't go out with her

 

For example:

 

My husband has been going out with a married male friend and 2 single female friends. They go out 4-5 times a year - usually for birthdays. My issue is that I have been told I am not welcome to go with them. They want it to be just them.

Fair enough. But she can't just leave it there.

He never takes me out on dates just us or with other couples alone. We only go out as a family. If we do ever go out it's usually for an anniversary and I'm the one who always plans it.

Next example:

I feel like I should be able to go out with them if I want to. He has no issues with me spending time with his married male friend and his family- but I'm not allowed to join when it's their foursome going out. To me it's like watching my husband plan, get ready and go out on a double date every few months. Am in being irrational- he thinks I'm being irrational.

Again, well stated. But once again, in the next breath:

I think it's disrespectful and that he spends more energy on them in a year than on me.

Shall I go on? OK, one more:

I ask him to go out and he always says no- either doesn't want to spend the money or if we're doing something else as a family that weekend he thinks that's enough .

no, don't say it!

He doesn't seem to have a problem putting in the same kind of effort into going out with these girls.

as if putting in that effort for her would be a mitigating factor. After all,

I don't have a problem with him having female friends or going out with them

So I want to know. It's a fair question. Edited March 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote and related response

[Try]

His male friend has sometimes made comments about how this is a tradition, and it shouldn't be changed and has been a little snarky with me- so it may be coming from him too.

Your husband's male friend making comments to you that you being excluded is part of a "tradition, and it shouldn't be changed" while being "a little snarky" towards you shows that they and your husband are talking about you behind your back, and that even though they all know that you are unhappy with this arrangement, he is choosing them over you. It also shows that this friend and the 2 women are on the inside with your husband, while your are on the outside specifically excluded by all of them (including your husband) from their clique. Your spouse should never be part of a clique that specifically excludes their own spouse. When it comes to your spouse, it should always be "us" (which includes you and your spouse) against the them, and should never be "us" (any clique) against your spouse. This goes against the whole concept of marriage where the world must see you as a unified team. Your marriage vows say to "forsake all others", and "since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together." I for one would never tolerate this disrespect of you and your marriage by not only your husband but these other people.

 

The fact that your husband thinks this way about you is a real cause for concern. Not thinking that you should always be his priority "us" is one of the needed thought processes for a spouse to be able to rationalize possibly cheating on their spouse. If he is not already cheating with one of these women, the table has been set for it to be able to happen.

[AngryGromit]

[]

... he went out with this group and then called home to arrange for sex when he returned. That's got to be the last thing on a husband's mind after a tryst on a night out.

 

My concern this is the first time he called home tell her be ready for sex when he got home. My thought is the evening didn't work out the way he planned, and he didn't get the sex he wanted on his date, now he's lining up Plan B.

 

 

This also assumes he does meet him friend and go on a date with former "single" co-workers, since she doesn't go on any of these dates with him, he could really be going anywhere, getting all dressed up to go to a night club, looking to pick up women to have sex with.

 

 

The situation scream suspicious. I'd throw a tracker in his car and see where he really goes, a voice recorder would be a good idea too.

[Southern Sun]

I have no idea if the relationship is sexual, but if he is excluding you OP, it is most certainly because he and his friend have some sort of flirty dynamic with these two women...at the minimum. And they want to enjoy it without your awkward interruption. (This is highly disrespectful to you, BTW. He's being a jerk).

 

Things like this can easily evolve at work. I even had a situation where two male co-workers came in from out of town and invited me and a female co-worker to drinks. Would have been very strange to have my husband there, not because I wanted anything sexual to happen, but because we would have our own 'thing' with the four of us. I didn't go because it wouldn't be appropriate.

 

However, if that type of outing is occurring on a regular basis, and the women aren't even taken...it would be VERY suspect to me. Very.

 

I think you need to take some pretty hard measures. Time to do some investigating and without his knowledge at this point. If you want to know the truth, that is.

[CaliforniaGirl]

No, hell no.

 

How long have you two been married? Years, I'm assuming? So these women have remained single for years (with one carrying a torch for your husband all that time)? And for years they've been doing their special birthdays...with YOUR (and the other guy's wife's) husband?

 

(And out in the open, no less...he comes right out and tells you. Guaranteed they're laughing behind your back about this.)

 

And meanwhile your husband gets so horny during the dinner that he can't even wait to get home to demand sex, he has to call you panting from the restaurant to do it? After an innocent, platonic just-friends dinner that you're just plumb crazy to object to, I mean what's wrong with you and blah blah?

 

He'd find changed locks the next time he came home from a special dinner if this were me. And I don't think I'm being alarmist or jumping the gun in saying that...this has evidently been going on for years.

 

Changed locks, the kids at Grandma's so they can't see the spectacle of this guy banging on his own door, and a slip of paper - legal paper - through the mail slot to land at his damned feet is what he'd receive from me after the however-many-th time he'd disrespected me so blatantly.

 

Just no.

[basil67]

They used to all work together - they became friends after mybhusband and I met so it's not like they were friends before I was in the picture. . One of them came to our wedding. I've met them before- so that's what makes it worse- it's not like I don't know them!

 

Hang on .... My husband also goes out with a mixed group of old workmates 3 or 4 times a year. It's just the old crew - no partners. It would be completely inappropriate of me to expect an invitation.

 

That said, it sounds like he needs to get more active in doing nice things with you.

[aileD]

Hang on .... My husband also goes out with a mixed group of old workmates 3 or 4 times a year. It's just the old crew - no partners. It would be completely inappropriate of me to expect an invitation.

 

That said, it sounds like he needs to get more active in doing nice things with you.

 

Yeah but if you wanted to tag along would he tell you "absolutely not. This is a tradition that only us two me and those two women do together. We don't want you there"

 

????

[EZNona]

I'm sorry, but on what planet is 2 married men going on meetups (aka dates) with 2 VERY SINGLE women on a consistent/routine basis and them banning the one female spouse who would actually care about these dates NOT suspicious?!

 

Even if it turns out they are only sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya, the way they went about excluding the wife is highly disrespectful.

[Try]

Yeah but if you wanted to tag along would he tell you "absolutely not. This is a tradition that only us two me and those two women do together. We don't want you there"

 

????

The fact that these regular meetup started after he was married to the OP, means that they established banning the OP before any claim that it was a "tradition", making the whole tradition excuse full of it. In fact the OP originally went to a couple of them before she got excluded.