ZayKayWill Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 (edited) I know that a lot of people here aren't about that life and wouldn't even date someone that was friends with an ex (and I respect that since everyone's experience in life is different), but I have a different viewpoint. I've dated 3 girls in my life. As of now I'm only friends with the 2nd ex. We kinda hated each other for a while, though. I'd like to say maybe a year and a half or so we hated each other before we started talking and becoming friends again. I'd like to be friends with the 3rd and most recent ex but eh...I just have no idea what's gonna happen with that. Oh well. I haven't talked to the first ex in years. She unfriended me from Facebook a while back. Not really sure why. Lol Sorry but I just won't date anybody that tells me that I can't still be friends with my ex. I know that greatly limits my options, but oh well. I agree that I probably shouldn't hang out with her too often just so my partner doesn't get uncomfortable about it, but for her to straight up ask me to never talk to her again would be a dealbreaker for me. I mean seriously how would my gf even know that I'm not still talking to her or meeting up with her unless she was constantly checking my phone/FB/spying on me all the time? For all she knows I could still be going behind her back even if she did request that I stop being friends with her. I would just rather be open and honest if I do decide to meet up or hang out or w/e and I guess maybe introduce them so there'd be even less worry about something more happening between us. And in all honesty what if me and my gf don't end up staying together? At that point I will have lost both her and my friend that I've known for maybe 9 years now... I wouldn't really call the 2nd ex a *close* friend, but she's still someone I care about and hold value for in my life. She's just someone that I like talking to every now and then. I know that if I'm having trouble with something I can talk to her about it and she won't judge me. And I know what you guys are thinking. I still like her, right? Wrong. We've both been single multiple times and that didn't motivate us to want to get back together. Plus I was good friends with one of her ex boyfriends a while back and the 3 of us hung out sometimes. Didn't effect me one bit...I was happy for them, actually. They were both good friends of mine and yet I had no idea they even knew each other yet alone had a love interest. Haha. I mean yeah sure there IS a possibility that I still like her but just don't realize it 'yet', but I feel that could be true for any of my female friends, you know? Usually you don't really fall for someone unless you spend a lot of time with them, and well I don't really spend a lot of time with anyone these days. Lol Edited March 15, 2017 by ZayKayWill Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I just read a couple of articles this week (after seeing one of those Facebook tests, are you still friends with an ex) My question on this issue is “what/who exactly is considered an ex? – How long must you stay in a relationship or do you simply need to declare it? Why Narcissists Stay Friends With Exes | Complex Psychopaths Narcissists Friendships With Exes I’m a bridge burner, I tend to eradicate past relationship baggage. Would I prevent a gf from being friends with an ex? Not really I’m not the jealous type and I would pick up on any bad vibes in a hurry and would be out if it looked to become an issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 No. THE best decision ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I am friends with several. One from my high school dating days over 40 years ago, and three from my post-divorce dating days. I occasionally meet them for lunch or dinner, when we're in the same area (we no longer live nearby each other). I'm also in occasional email/chat/fb contact with a couple of others. Obviously, we liked each other, but there were good reasons we didn't pursue a lasting romantic relationship. There are many others (including my ex-wife) with whom I have no contact (unless it is required, such as my ex-wife in some circumstances). My wife has met and knows all of them that I'm in contact with quite well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I have around 20 people I'd call an ex. I'd say about half a dozen would be willing to help me if I called in the middle of the night asking for help. Does that mean we are friends? I'd be friendly and cordial with every last one of my exes. I do have one very close friend that I had a casual fling with one Christmas but I wouldn't call her an ex. We never had the slightest intention of romance. My gf knows about the friendship and encourages it. But she doesn't know about the sex. In fact no one knows about the sex. We told nobody and we never dated. We were close friends before and remained close friends afterward. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I've remained lifelong acquaintances over decades with my two most significant exes. But I would know when to shut them out so as not to mess up a new relationship. And it's more acquaintances than ongoing friendship. Like one came to visit for a few days some years ago that lives across the US, so he's not usually underfoot. The other lives here and is married and we go to a gig with or without his wife maybe 1-2 times a year and stay in touch via email and phone maybe once a month. Nothing is brewing. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 No I am not friends with any of my EXs. I don't contact them. I don't hang out with them. I don't send them Christmas or birthday cards. We don't talk about our lives. They aren't my contacts on social media. They are simply people I used to date. I do not hate any of these men. If I accidently bump into them somewhere, I will take a moment to chat. We both ask about family. Everybody is quite civil Two are in my profession so we inevitably bump into each other at work functions. We may grab a coffee on those occasions but we generally don't go out of our ways to interact. I did do a business deal with one a while back. It was more than 20 years after we broke up & I asked my husband's permission before agreeing. I thought it was odd that he chose to hide me & our business from his wife. I would have turned down the job & the money if my husband had any reservations. My husband actually met my HS BF at my 25th reunion. They got along well & as couples him & his wife & my DH & I go out occasionally. I do not generally talk to the EX privately but the messages to get together usually go between us. I'd never say never but I would be incredibly uncomfortable if my new SO was still in close contact with a recent EX if they didn't share kids. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I really only have two guys I would consider an ex. One was my high school BF for two years, and the other was my old long term FWB. The rest were very casual BFs at best. None were bad breakups, I don't think poorly of any of them. I am Facebook friends with my old high school beau, but not "friends" in daily life anymore. I don't keep in contact with any other men I used to have sex with. My husband also has a limited number of ex's, and doesn't have any contact with them either. I wouldn't be thrilled with my partner having a close friendship with someone they used to have sex with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Not friends friends, but friendly / cordial with one from high school. I wouldn't have a problem with a partner being friends with exes, if only for the fact that I find it exhausting to see the worst case scenario in everything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 My boyfriend is friends with several of his exes. His ex-wife constantly posts on his facebook, nothing flirty, usually links to articles that involve his interests, sometimes funny comments. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. One time when I couldn't go to an event he wanted to go to because I had to work, he asked if I would mind if he went with an ex since it was something she'd had an interest in as well. I told him to go right ahead. I'm still friends with an ex. He and I text pretty frequently, a few times a week. We usually talk about work, politics, sports. I didn't think anything of it until maybe a few weeks ago when I thought it might be something my boyfriend would want to know. So I let him know that I was still friends with an ex and that we still text. He was fine with it. I think it only becomes a problem if the friendship is hidden and/or there is still feelings or ulterior motives from any of the parties involved. I don't have a lock code on my phone. my boyfriend can access it whenever he wants. But I don't think he has. He trusts me. Just like I trust him. I think it's awfully controlling to tell a significant other they can't be friends with their exes if there is no legitimate reason for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 If you don't share children, I think it's often a stretch. I wouldn't outright prohibit a girlfriend from being "friends" with an ex, but context would be major. How long ago did they date? How long were they together? What were the circumstances that led to the end of the relationship? Stuff like that. This is also not to be confused with friendly acquaintances. Barring a really bad relationship or fallout from the breakup, I would question someone who couldn't at least say hello if they saw an ex in passing. Ultimately, though, relationships face enough challenges without sprinkling in some "friends" that may prove to be more trouble than they're worth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I've never stayed friends with a girl I banged 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 My boyfriend is friends with several of his exes. His ex-wife constantly posts on his facebook, nothing flirty, usually links to articles that involve his interests, sometimes funny comments. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. One time when I couldn't go to an event he wanted to go to because I had to work, he asked if I would mind if he went with an ex since it was something she'd had an interest in as well. I told him to go right ahead. I'm still friends with an ex. He and I text pretty frequently, a few times a week. We usually talk about work, politics, sports. I didn't think anything of it until maybe a few weeks ago when I thought it might be something my boyfriend would want to know. So I let him know that I was still friends with an ex and that we still text. He was fine with it. I think it only becomes a problem if the friendship is hidden and/or there is still feelings or ulterior motives from any of the parties involved. I don't have a lock code on my phone. my boyfriend can access it whenever he wants. But I don't think he has. He trusts me. Just like I trust him. I think it's awfully controlling to tell a significant other they can't be friends with their exes if there is no legitimate reason for it. I feel the exact same way. *high five* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I'm friends with one ex. We dated years ago, and even though I was gutted for a LONG time after she ended it, we're genuine friends today. But a lot had to happen for that to occur. We spoke sparingly for long periods of time after the split. I would ballpark it at two to three years before things had settled enough where I felt I wanted to be friends with her and could sincerely be just her friend. Funny thing is, today I find it almost unfathomable that we did date. She's still as engaging and cute as ever, and we still have great conversations. But I just don't view her in that way at all now and the feeling is mutual. I think it also helps that she now lives in a different state, so there's some physical boundaries in play that I think make our communications even more acceptable. Even then, I still stay mindful of how our friendship could be perceived, especially with romantic partners. As such, I tend to pull back just a bit when she's in a relationship and avoid texting her at times traditionally reserved for significant others (i.e. the evening). I do this to be respectful of the other man, as I know how these things can appear (and with good reason). Other than that, I've just never felt much urge to stay friends with exes once the romantic feelings wane. I would stop and say hello to any of them in passing, but I either have no interest in friendship with them or don't care to deal with the potential headaches of being more than a friendly passerby. Link to post Share on other sites
carolann Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 I am friendly but not really friends with a couple of guys that I dated while in HS but not with the guy I dated for 3 years before I met my husband. We broke up and haven't spoken at all since. I'm good with it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 If there was a dislike feature, Id probably set the record with this post, but who cares.?? Notice a pattern in the thread.?? Most of the women say they do, and most of the men say they don't... For one, I can't imagine having a "buddy" relationship with someone that you were intimate with....Its weird as fck...period.. Second, why would I want to explain that to another SO, that I have a bunch of female friends that I used to have sex with??....Yeah, I am sure that would go over great...Even if they said they were cool with it, quite frankly its inconsiderate, as far as I'm concerned..I wouldn't subject anyone I cared about to that... I know women well enough, that they are fiercely competitive with other women...Add in the dynamic, that they once had(or maybe still do) have feelings? Forget it....Fists are eventually gonna fly...guaranteed... And quite frankly, what do you do with your female "friend"??...Bring her along with the guys for a couple of beers and a pizza?? Ask her to come over and work on the race car??....Or do you go with them to the mall and spend 2 hours trying on shoes??.. The way I see it, is women want male friends, because for some, they like the validation of male attention, even if there aren't at the next level...The more the better,,,And even some keep male friends, because they want a guy that can fix their car if it breaks down, or help them if they need something heavy moved....or even to stand up for them if a guy does them wrong...Guys do it, because for some reason, they can't let go of something,,,,,,,maybe they lack the confidence to seek other "available:" women, so they take scraps from an ex...Its humiliating, really...I have a close friend that is doing this right now as we speak...Guy is in his 50's and you would think he would know better...This woman used to be intimate with him, now she has him as a "friend" to take her out every now and then.....She slaps him on the back and sends him home...And she has done this while with other men...How low does someone have to feel, because deep down he's still hoping(like a dumbell) that things will go back to the way they were....Pathetic.. Now, having said all this. if you have an opposite sex friend and it works for you, great..I wish you well..These are my personal observations...Not hard and rigid truths...And Ill admit, it does seem like millennials are more inclined to these types of arrangements, so I guess its cool there, I dunno.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 I'm actual friends with only one of them. Friends, as in, still see each other from time to time, know what's going on in their lives, visit occasionally. I'm not bitter towards any exes although I can imagine that some would be bitter towards me. It could explain why I never hear from them. Most, there's just not enough interest in either direction to maintain any ongoing contact. If there was, I'd have to wonder why. I'm not sure why you'd even WANT to be friends with an ex. Seems like there would be more reasons NOT to be friends, whether that's on you or her. But, I agree. Never let a new GF tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. Link to post Share on other sites
duncsvoice Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 Is this the ex you spoke about in a previous thread who you bought a present for, and your (then) girlfriend didn't like it? I'm not friends with my exes. I'd be friendly with some of them if I saw them, but being an actual friend with them? No thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 I am friends with my exes we have kids together, my ex of fifteen years is friends with my ex before him.....the ex before sleeps in my lounge room ...i had a relationship that lasted six or seven months....he met my ex that resides with me....they became friends......i have no desire to play guys against each other.....i have children and what i want my kids to see especially my girls is maturity from me and those i date......have dated.....one shrink said im trying to replace my brother my mum lost......or my dad who abandoned me is another good one...... i care for them......i want to see them happy......and they want the same for me..im talking to my ex of fifteen years who is just out of a ten year relationship with another woman....i have known my exes since i was a teen on the streets...they know me......they accept me......if i were to be with someone i would hope that he felt like he was number one.....he would always be first....and my exes would give him respect.....as much as i would.. i have never abandoned anyone......if they need me im here...i have had to go it alone too many times, to wish that on anyone......i just cant abandon people .....i wouldnt be here .....if it werent for the support many have offered me........the least i can do is be there for them my ex in my lounge room...he has no family other than mine and me they care for me.....i care for them.....my ex of fifteen years has a way of making me feel beautiful......when voices tell me im ugly ..he can make me laugh when i feel worthless......my exes care like i care for them.........deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 OP Your "friendship" with your ex completely ruined your last relationship... I think the older people get and the more serious relationships become, the less most people will tolerate "friends" of the opposite sex, whether or not they are an ex. People realise that the dynamics of "all chums together" like in HS or college, becomes slightly different as people age. They realise that others have agendas past meeting for dinner, lunch or coffee or just "hanging about", and that what seems so innocent and pure is anything but... Some people do have genuine opposite sex friendships that can last for decades, but most just acquire orbiters, or users, or people determined to muck your life up, by getting in the way of your real relationships. Mate guarding is real. Few people who believe in monogamy really want to be in the company of people their SO has slept with, few people will gladly tolerate their SO spending time with an ex, so a "friendly" ex hanging around, introduces huge complications into a relationship and usually big fights ensue or resentment builds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 No I am not but I am cordial with my ex-H because he is the father of our children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 No I am not but I am cordial with my ex-H because he is the father of our children. Yeah, in those cases its necessary to maintain amicable relations, as its best for the kids... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 Is this the ex you spoke about in a previous thread who you bought a present for, and your (then) girlfriend didn't like it? I'm not friends with my exes. I'd be friendly with some of them if I saw them, but being an actual friend with them? No thanks. Yeah, that's her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZayKayWill Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 (edited) OP Your "friendship" with your ex completely ruined your last relationship... I think the older people get and the more serious relationships become, the less most people will tolerate "friends" of the opposite sex, whether or not they are an ex. People realise that the dynamics of "all chums together" like in HS or college, becomes slightly different as people age. They realise that others have agendas past meeting for dinner, lunch or coffee or just "hanging about", and that what seems so innocent and pure is anything but... Some people do have genuine opposite sex friendships that can last for decades, but most just acquire orbiters, or users, or people determined to muck your life up, by getting in the way of your real relationships. Mate guarding is real. Few people who believe in monogamy really want to be in the company of people their SO has slept with, few people will gladly tolerate their SO spending time with an ex, so a "friendly" ex hanging around, introduces huge complications into a relationship and usually big fights ensue or resentment builds. Look, everyone is different and there was a lot more to it than just that. I know I'm one of the very minority in this, but she was also friends with an ex and had a lot of other problems along with it. Just gonna leave it at that. I honestly would *prefer* my partner be friendly with a few exes. Not necessarily best or close friends. But just friends that can still enjoy each others company from time to time. Besides a mutual friend of the ex and I just recently got cancer, so if I get a gf and she tells me to stop being friends with her at this moment in time, get the **** out. Edited March 16, 2017 by ZayKayWill Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 No one is saying you have to be rude to an EX. Being cordial is fine. Purposefully spending time with an EX. . . that's where things get dicey for most of us. Link to post Share on other sites
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