Looking for perspective from an OM or OW

[GeekLover]

Hi.

 

I've been lurking around here for awhile, but I've never posted anything. What I'm looking for is some perspective and some advice from an OM or OW to help me navigate through my complicated "break up" with my own OM of over 5 years.

 

I'm not interested in posting this long story on here for everyone to read. I'm just looking for someone who would be willing to chat with me by PM and can help me better understand what went wrong.

 

Thanks

[DKT3]

Hi.

 

I've been lurking around here for awhile, but I've never posted anything. What I'm looking for is some perspective and some advice from an OM or OW to help me navigate through my complicated "break up" with my own OM of over 5 years.

 

I'm not interested in posting this long story on here for everyone to read. I'm just looking for someone who would be willing to chat with me by PM and can help me better understand what went wrong.

 

Thanks

 

It will be awhile before you have the option to PM.....Beside your best advice will come from the group. As you tell your story some will identify more with your experience.

[aileD]

You have to have 50 posts before you are allowed to PM.

 

Maybe you could chime in on some others posts if you don't want to get personal yet

[BuddyX]

Agree with posts above.

 

Plus asking for one on one PMs is screaming of an "easy quick fix". Trust me, if you are in this forum you need all the help you can get. And this will take time. We as group, can steer you in the right direction.

[GeekLover]

It will be awhile before you have the option to PM.....Beside your best advice will come from the group. As you tell your story some will identify more with your experience.

 

Ok. Thank you. I didn't realize the PM option wasn't available to me right away. I can add more specific details if this is not enough...

 

But for now-the cliff notes...here goes:

 

-5+ years with OM

 

-when we first started our A we were both married

 

-we took 1 year apart (physically-his choice-I was heartbroken) so he could fix his marriage after his wife discovered an old A from years before we met; he continued daily contact whenever she wasn't around (ie. at work), but we had NC on weekends or when she was on vacation; in his mind we were over (so he said); we did not see each other this whole time, apart from running into each other a couple times at the grocery store

 

-eventually we rekindled our A and within a few months after that, him and his wife decided to separate

 

-about 6 months or so after that she moved out; this was NOT a smooth separation; a lot of arguing, trouble with kids, etc...but I have been supportive through it all

 

 

-our A continued for another couple of years until my D-day; OM was very worried I would leave him, but because that is what he did to me, I didn't want to repeat the same thing

 

-H and I started therapy to work on communication (something we could NOT do at all);I began working on forming my exit plan-I started viewing therapy as a way to build a good relationship with H so our children would be effected as little as possible; I began spending a couple nights/week at a friend's house to get some space and see how it felt to be away from my family; I started looking into housing and planning out my budget

 

-OM and I went through several attempts to give each other space so I could figure my stuff out, but we could never stay away from each other for more than maybe a month or so; OM tried ending our relationship a few times because the situation was getting too difficult for him, but I could always convince him to stay

 

-this fall (it had been just over a year since my D-day) we began having a conversation about possibly going our separate ways because we were both losing hope (him in me leaving, and me with myself for summoning the courage to do it-being exposed to all the troubles in his own separation made it much harder to want to put myself through the same thing);OM assured me he still felt the same, but it was just getting too hard on him (understandably, he wants to move forward with his life...I get that); we discussed possibly going our own ways and seeing if eventually we find our way back to each other; I knew OM was miserable, as was I-our relationship couldn't go anywhere because of the situation we were in-we discussed this a few times and agreed nothing would get better with us until I got the courage to leave my H

 

-I reached a boiling point one night and I blew up his phone while he was out; I said many terrible things that I didn't mean (something inside me made me feel like I just needed him to hate me so it would be easier for him to move on); I guess you could say the stress of everything finally took its toll on me and I pushed him away

 

- we gave each other a few days to breathe, then came back and calmly discussed (via text) moving forward separately; I planned to focus on my family and what I need to do without him, and he planned to move forward without wondering if I would be there or not; it was a nice conversation and we both agreed we were destroying each other and we couldn't be together this way; I apologized for saying what I said and admitted I didn't mean everything I said; he accepted my apology; him and I agreed we both loved each other deeply, and I told him that was why I needed to let him go

 

-a week later, I reached another boiling point, and then finally found the courage to have the discussion with my H that I wanted a separation

 

-I contacted OM to tell him I'd like to meet (so we could discuss this in person), but he turned into a different person; he would not meet me, said he was too damaged by everything, he would never be able to give all of himself to me again, and even told me he had been on a few "dates" with someone he's known for awhile, in which he has told her all about me and she was being a good friend; I finished the conversation by telling him my H and I had the discussion to separate and that it was going to happen with or without him-he did not respond

 

-for the next week, I texted him every day or two (just once, I didn't bombard him with texts), a screenshot of a conversation with a real estate agent about finding a place...things like that to prove that this time I was serious and I wasn't just saying it to keep him around; he ignored all my texts

 

-by the end of the week, I received an email telling me goodbye; he would not look to reconcile with me ever, and that he had no feelings for me anymore; that I couldn't love him the way he needs; he knows I love him, but I'll "get over it"; he asked I stop contacting him unless it's an emergency, otherwise he would block me

 

-I did not respond to the email and respected his wishes; we have been in NC now for 4 months; I reached out once a couple weeks ago by text (my therapist really pushed the idea, I didn't want to); the text went through, but again, no response (it was just a "Hi", nothing more)

 

He NEVER once gave me any indication his feelings for me had changed. Whenever we talked about the problems we had, it was always about the situation. Even the week before all this went down when we talked about how we were losing hope, he was telling me how f&*%ed every other woman would be after me and how, if given the chance to have a life with me, he's sure he would take it.

 

That's basically it. If you read all that, thank you. I don't know what I'm looking for really. I guess just to understand from an OM or OW perspective? Is this exactly what appears? Did he really invest all this time, only to walk as soon as he got what he had been hoping and pleading for me to do?

Edited March 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[somanymistakes]

Sounds like it's been a rough ride for all of you.

 

Some possible options:

 

A) The prolonged instability was too much for him, and the time when you blew up at him was really the last straw. Between you guys constantly talking about needing to go your separate ways and your outbursts, his affection bubble popped. This can happen. Suddenly, he looks at you and can't figure out what he ever saw in you. If this is the case, it's over for good, forget about him.

 

B) Similar to A, except that rather than the affection bubble popping completely, he's decided that he's just plain sick of the instability, the back-and-forth, the never knowing what's going to happen. Sure, you suddenly say you're moving forward with your divorce now, but it took you so long and he still doesn't know if you'll really go through with it. He has decided that being with you is unhealthy (if you read some of the other threads on this board, a lot of people reach that conclusion about their relationships with married people, the push-pull is driving them insane) and that he needs to enforce a complete no-contact with you to avoid being pulled back into it again. If this is the case, it's important to him that he does not give you the tiniest scrap of hope that you can reconnect because that might drag him back into this mess. Don't contact him until you are 100% divorced, and even then, don't expect him to be eager.

 

C) He actually enjoyed the drama (maybe it made for hot sex?) but didn't really want a serious relationship with you, even though he said that he did, because building the fantasy together was appealing. Now that you might be available, suddenly he's trying to get away. He's afraid you're looking for a husband replacement and he has no interest in being tied down again.

 

D) Similar to C, but even worse. He enjoys the drama and the chase. Now that you're available, he's 'won' you, so you're boring. He may marry someone else, but it will be a woman who's playing harder to get, not one who cheated with him. (Horrible, but possible.)

[StormyEyes]

So as soon as you started taking real, concrete steps to end your marriage, OM decides he has no feelings for you anymore? I suppose he could have finally reached his limit, you two have been on quite the emotional roller coaster. But the timing seems awfully convenient to me. How sure are you that he really wanted to have a life with you? Some people will say anything they have to to string you along and keep getting what they want from you. But as soon as you change the dynamic, those words evaporate in to thin air. (I have learned that one from experience.)

[DKT3]

I'm going with option C that somanymistakes listed. OM likely never had any real intentions on a legitimate relationship.

 

I betting he has always had that other woman around as well.

[Patrice]

no intention of having to work that hard on an actual relationship. Life has it's ups and downs, and we all go through them. If he cannot understand YOU and your life, or want to be there for you? What does that say about any kind of future with this person? Trust and respect, are won and lost in affairs ... I think as women, we get invested, confused, try to heal past wounds - they know about them because we gave them privy to our lives and our hearts. He is most likely done, I would take care of you and heal from this. Painful chapter that doesn't fulfill you as a person. Let him go.

[William]

LoveShack.org is a public discussion forum and our private message system is available to members who have either contributed substantially to the forum with posts or money.

 

The topic here is:

 

Advice from OM's and/or OW's on navigating the breakup of an affair of over five years.

 

Thanks in advance for adherence to the topic and posting within our guidelines.

[GeekLover]

Thank you for your replies. I feel it's more likely A or B. OM and I talked constantly, and up until my D-day I was at his house every night. He would always respond to my texts within a few minutes of me texting. We would literally exchange hundreds and hundreds of texts each day. Also, we used to follow each other on Find My Friends for the longest time (we just thought it was fun to see where each other was). It was my idea to eventually pull the plug on being able to track each other. If he had someone else in the mix, he was REALLY good at hiding her. Though I can see where he would have had an opportunity in the last month of our relationship to see her a few times. That's when him and I started speaking less.

 

I'm pretty convinced he did want a life with me. I don't know exactly how to explain how I know. He was committed. He had ample opportunity to walk away when he first became a single man, but he chose to continue our relationship. He talked about our life together constantly. He was more convinced we'd be together than I was. His vision was that I would move in with him. I had to be very clear that my plan would be to have my own place for awhile and start our relationship off like any other relationship would start.

 

As for being afraid I would want to marry-I always told him I didn't know if I would ever want to marry again.

 

It seems he just decided at the last minute that I couldn't give him what he was looking for.

[Birdies]

My guess is one or more of the following:

 

- the drama and uncertainty just became too much for him, especially after YEARS of him being single and you still being married

- the guilt of how he treated his wife causes him to associate you with those unpleasant feelings

- the "real life" version of the affair was too different than it had felt while in the affair bubble

- he was using you and is more of a serial cheat than a sincere person who was in love with you

 

I would tend to believe one or more of the first three, because I find myself believing the best about people. But reading online here has really shown how many callous womanizers there are out there....

 

I had a fairly similar situation happen, but the DDay and aftermath all went down within a few months, rather than years, and my former AP and I are very happy together now. Even with that, it's kind of a shltshow (his revenge-seeking ex has helped with that!). We've lost a lot of friends, professional respect I'm sure, and the friends and family who have stuck around will still always see us from the lens of a couple who began by betraying their spouses horribly. And we don't even have kids, which tends to make everything 1000x worse.

 

My point is, maybe starting fresh isn't such a bad idea. Good luck and let me know if I can expand anymore, having gone through something similar.... My AP said a lot of the same things that yours did about wanting to be with me forever, etc. He truly is a good person (no history of cheating, unlike yours) and I believed/believe him, but I'm not naive either...

[elaine567]

Maybe it is just the way you have written it but it seems to be all about breaking up, giving each other space, ending things, no contact, letting him go, him letting you go...push/pull, hot and cold, round and round and round

 

Drama, drama, drama and more drama.

I do not actually see much real love and commitment and respect here.

[GeekLover]

Maybe it is just the way you have written it but it seems to be all about breaking up, giving each other space, ending things, no contact, letting him go, him letting you go...push/pull, hot and cold, round and round and round

 

Drama, drama, drama and more drama.

I do not actually see much real love and commitment and respect here.

 

You might be right. It certainly appears that way. There has been a lot of love, but unfortunately yes, a lot of drama as well. Funny, I'm the last person who gets involved in drama...

[BuddyX]

OM all words no action. If you read enough stories here you'll see a pattern.

 

First of all, the shrink that told you to contact the OM is a moron. Seriously, I'm SMH.

 

Second, were you ever alone in this entire process to really think? It appears you always had you H as Plan B. You were trying to work on your marriage while still thinking of OM, that's a big no no.

 

Third, who gives a rip what the OM thinks. He did not chose you. You will not get any closure from him.

[GeekLover]

OM all words no action. If you read enough stories here you'll see a pattern.

 

First of all, the shrink that told you to contact the OM is a moron. Seriously, I'm SMH.

 

Second, were you ever alone in this entire process to really think? It appears you always had you H as Plan B. You were trying to work on your marriage while still thinking of OM, that's a big no no.

 

Third, who gives a rip what the OM thinks. He did not chose you. You will not get any closure from him.

 

No. I actually wasn't alone. I was constantly pulled in two directions. I do know my marriage is done. I should probably be done with OM too. I think you're right-I will never get closure from him. He told me he owed it to me to meet for closure, but then took it back and said he wouldn't meet me after all. Oh well. I guess it's up to me.

[BuddyX]

I would also like to add that OM who divorce don't always go for their affair partner. My money is on, he downloaded a dating up, saw the potential inventory and wanted to have some fun.

 

This is prob his first time in a long time he's a "free agent".

 

Don't waste your time on him. Divorce your H, and figure out who you really are.

[Telemachus]

The original question is "what went wrong?" You had an affair with a man who'd had at least one affair before. Right there, it's doomed from the start, foreseeably so. It's a relationship with a 98 percent chance of ending before either of you goes the way of all mortal flesh. It wasn't sustainable in the first place.

 

There are children involved on both sides of the affair. There's no point minimizing or rationalizing the negative effect on the children.

 

The breakup isn't really all that complicated. You've just included a lot of detail in your subsequent posting in the thread. What went wrong jumps out at the very beginning.

[oldshirt]

When I was single, I was a serial OM for several years from my mid 20s until I started dating my now-wife exclusively when I was 30.

 

I'm going to be very blunt and not sugar coat anything.

 

When men screw married women, it is because they do NOT want to have a real relationship with them. If they wanted a real relationship, they would get with a single women. Men hook up with married women because it is the ultimate in NSA. The husbands get change their oil and their flat tires and get to unclog their toilets and rub their feet and kill spiders. The OM gets to have wild monkey sex with them and then send them home to their husbands to deal with their problems and listen to them complain and whine about everything.

 

That's single men.

 

Married men on the other have a number of similarities but a few differences as well.

 

MM hook up with other chicks almost exclusively for some strange and for some extra. The vast majority generally love their wives and families and simply want some wild monkey sex on the side so they can have their cake and eat it too.

 

Occasionally a MM will actually be dissatisfied with his wife and marriage and meets a woman he does think is a bigger, better deal. Those men leave their wives for the OW within weeks or a matter of months.

 

Any time a MM is hooking up with an OW for more than a handful of months and hasn't packed his stuff, it's because he is cake eating.

 

Your OM didn't actually leave his wife "FOR" you. she kicked him out because he was a habitual cheater and she had had enough. You just softened the landing in that you kept his tank drained.

 

The chances are he actually has been seeing other women all along.

 

He kept seeing you after he was single because MW are the ultimate NSA and ultimate FB you can have as I stated above.

 

Now here's where a lot of cheating wives fall down and have trouble connecting the dots ---- When you left your H, you were no longer and cheating wife scoring some on the side. Now you are a single woman who is going to want things from him besides his penis. Now you are going to want him to change your oil and your flat tires and unclog your toilet and rub your feet and kill whatever spiders are crawling up the wall while he's trying to watch his shows. Now you are going to want strings. Now you are going to be the old nag.

 

He's a single guy now and can date and hook up with whoever he wants. Why would he want to change your oil and your flat tires and be exclusive to you while he could be banging all sorts of chicks???

 

Doesn't really make any sense for him to get with you full time now does it?

[oldshirt]

I've said this is numerous other threads, but the vast majority of affairs need marriages to survive.

 

Affairs need a marriage and need an accommodating BS in order to survive and flourish.

 

Once the BS(s) stop supporting the WS and once the marriage(s) crumbles, the affairs die pretty quickly too.

 

The end of your marriage hammered the final nails into the coffin of your fun and games with your AP.

 

You were fun and sexy when each of you had a BS doing the laundry and taking care of the kids and fixing the car and sharing the household chores and expenses with.

 

But when the specter of having to deal with each other all the time reared it's ugly head, he wanted no part of it.

[BaileyB]

Sadly, I agree.

 

Your relationship was filled with drama, but that seemed to work for him for a while. Notice, he was generally the one deciding when you were talking/not talking. He liked to have control of the relationship.

 

When you separated from your husband, the dynamics and expectations of the relationship changed. You quit being "fun" for him, and had expectations of a real "relationship" wih all that that included.

 

He has gone in search of someone else who is more "fun." And, rather coldly, he has left you and ended communication.

 

Your first clue should have been the fact that he had cheated on his wife before you... He is a serial cheater, unlikely to ever "settle down" with anyone.

[road]

No. I actually wasn't alone. I was constantly pulled in two directions. I do know my marriage is done. I should probably be done with OM too. I think you're right-I will never get closure from him. He told me he owed it to me to meet for closure, but then took it back and said he wouldn't meet me after all. Oh well. I guess it's up to me.

 

You want closure?

 

 

I'll give you closure. As with most OM their AP is just some side piece.

A side piece, that they will say to them what ever their side piece

wants to hear. So their side piece keeps putting out.

 

 

Then as soon as their AP say's I am dumping my BH for you the OM

runs for the hills. Because the OM never wanted a real relationship.

You confuse with the OM saying the things that you wanted to heart as

the OM being truthful. When the OM was only lying to keep getting

sex from you.

 

 

The pain you feel is a result of you believing the OM.

[aileD]

My thoughts-

 

-Maybe you were his "exit affair". Something he clinged to to help him get out of his marriage, but once he found "freedom" from the chains of a relationship, he liked it and wanted to find a new life now that he was free....not get tied down in another relationship

 

-maybe that old saying is true "when a side chick becomes the main chick, it leaves a job vacancy". He's now confiding all his woes into someone new...errrr..."an old friend" *rolls eyes*. you weren't his first affair, and I'd be willing to bet this "old friend" has been around longer than you thought.

[jah526]

-I did not respond to the email and respected his wishes; we have been in NC now for 4 months; I reached out once a couple weeks ago by text (my therapist really pushed the idea, I didn't want to); the text went through, but again, no response (it was just a "Hi", nothing more)

 

Grrr... this part makes me so angry. It's why I won't go back to therapy ever. You go through months and months trying to recover, doing the right thing, and then someone WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER helps you pull the trigger and sabotage all the work you've done.

 

I think the people on this board have much more constructive advice, having been through it all.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you find a different therapist.

[ice3784]

OM all words no action. If you read enough stories here you'll see a pattern.

 

First of all, the shrink that told you to contact the OM is a moron. Seriously, I'm SMH.

 

Second, were you ever alone in this entire process to really think? It appears you always had you H as Plan B. You were trying to work on your marriage while still thinking of OM, that's a big no no.

 

Third, who gives a rip what the OM thinks. He did not chose you. You will not get any closure from him.

Yes, you are right.

I had read a lot here and i do notice a pattern.

In the end, they all left. Regardless for whatever reason.