shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 So I'm wondering why do they sabotage good relationships. Why do they have to ruin an amazing connection? Why do they have to cheat and start talking to other people when the person in front of them is their ideal type and why don't they even give that person they are with a chance and get to know the person? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 So I'm wondering why do they sabotage good relationships. Why do they have to ruin an amazing connection? Why do they have to cheat and start talking to other people when the person in front of them is their ideal type and why don't they even give that person they are with a chance and get to know the person? Because they are terrified of intimacy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 Because they are terrified of intimacy. If they are afraid of intimacy, why do they start talking to new people? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 New people is a new superficial connection. When that has potential to go deeper they rabbit. if you suspect commitment issues you have to anticipate this type of behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 If they are afraid of intimacy, why do they start talking to new people? talking to new people doesn't mean you open up your vulnerability to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 New people is a new superficial connection. When that has potential to go deeper they rabbit. if you suspect commitment issues you have to anticipate this type of behavior. I understand. Thank you so much for the insight. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Somewhere in this person's past, they opened up their uncomfortable vulnerability and got savaged for it, so that experience taught them that never again will they allow someone to get that emotionally close to them. It's a defense mechanism that works for them--otherwise, they'd do something different. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 talking to new people doesn't mean you open up your vulnerability to them. I see:/ Thank you for your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Why do you even date someone with commitment issues to begin with! Stop dating people with red flags! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Somewhere in this person's past, they opened up their uncomfortable vulnerability and got savaged for it, so that experience taught them that never again will they allow someone to get that emotionally close to them. It's a defense mechanism that works for them--otherwise, they'd do something different. Someone who doesn't know you doesn't present that same kind of emotional scrutiny, so that's why they can talk to them or whatever. However, once you begin the natural 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 Why do you even date someone with commitment issues to begin with! Stop dating people with red flags! I probably have issues myself. The person told me straight up that they have commitment issues and I didn't pay attention:( Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Someone who doesn't know you doesn't present that same kind of emotional scrutiny, so that's why they can talk to them or whatever. However, once you begin the natural I'm having a devil of a time with LS today Someone who doesn't know you doesn't present that same kind of emotional scrutiny, so that's why they can talk to them or whatever. However, once you begin the natural course getting closer to them, they are put on high alert to the emotional "invader" and they take steps to hoist the drawbridge to keep you out of the keep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 Someone who doesn't know you doesn't present that same kind of emotional scrutiny, so that's why they can talk to them or whatever. However, once you begin the natural Ahhh I understand!! It's funny how in the beginning when I started talking to the guy he was actually emotionally open and then he became closed off as time went by.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Those with trust issues step away from relationships, for fear of getting hurt. Those with commitment issues either have series of short-lived relationships (because they can't commit) or they are left by by relatively long-term partners because of their lack of commitment (x amount of years and still no ring kind of scenario / roving eye / serial cheating,...). Plenty of reasons for that - chaotic childhood, residual emotional scars or simply because they are dicks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I probably have issues myself. The person told me straight up that they have commitment issues and I didn't pay attention:( Well seek therapy and get help . If you don't address these issues your future relationships won't work and you'll always find yourself in toxic, unfulfilling relationships instead of healthy ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Look at Tiger Woods for an example. He couldn't stop seeking validation from all these women even though you would have thought his self-esteem would be through the roof for his skill on the golf course. But no. He needed to build himself up constantly by seeking approval and validation from women. It's self-esteem. And then there are other types of reasons, such as simply not being ready or capable of a deep connection. Or never being satisified that you can't do better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 Well seek therapy and get help . If you don't address these issues your future relationships won't work and you'll always find yourself in toxic, unfulfilling relationships instead of healthy ones. Thank you for your advice! Yes this has been the 3rd toxic relationship with the same type of person. Thankfully yesterday I told him that it's best we don't see eachother anymore, he didn't respond but I feel free cause it was hell. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 IME...it's usually the run-away-from one who thinks there was an amazing connection, and the runner-away feels a bit differently. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 So I'm wondering why do they sabotage good relationships. Why do they have to ruin an amazing connection? Why do they have to cheat and start talking to other people when the person in front of them is their ideal type and why don't they even give that person they are with a chance and get to know the person? The person in front of them may think they are their ideal type but apparently not or the person would commit to them. They aren't the one sabotaging the relationship if they tell you ahead of time that they don't want a relationship. It is the other person who's desire for them and unwillingness to listen that sabotages the relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I have a connection to my ex we were together for 15 years engaged for the last seven of them..our sex life was off the charts, our mental connection was strong.....we went through a lot together He was a cheat i forgave him time and again....i wanted him to marry me we had three girls together i wanted to unite our family under one name....that's when he left for another woman when i pushed the issue...i told him her or me...he chose her...ten years later......she was till waiting for him to marry her....she asked him to go....he has admitted if i had stayed he would have come back a long time ago...i knew that....that why i moved interstate....the physical connection needed to be distanced..... he wants to come see me now and talk about where the relationship we have might go...he doesnt know....told me you know me deb i haven' t got my crap together,im too much of a scatter brain......i miss you though and i want to see you......he bought me a car a couple fo months ago...he is good to me....he never ignores me...he is supportive....but....i dont know if he would ever marry me..... i have a mental illness and he accepts me for who i am, he tells me i am beautiful he is protective of me........makes me feel like a woman by how he talks to me and treats me....he makes me laugh....he believes in me....he needs me........ and i am sorely lacking in that belief department....he makes me feel special and not some thing on the bottom of the pile that everyone steps on........ i feel i should accept him like he accepts me....i just always hoped...i guess...he would marry me....but my heart knows he wont..he cant he is completely commitment shy.......and it isnt only me its been proven with..... i think when a guy tells you he cant commit...you have to believe him and decide on what is more important......i dont know if it will ever work out with me and my ex not even sure seeing him and talking to him face to face alone...is a good idea for me........i really dont.....but i do know..he wont marry me....but to be in his arms again.....feeling safe and protected....beautiful..appreciated and ...like a woman...not just a broke down mum............is very tempting..its been years since i felt that.......deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shahjskalio Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 I have a connection to my ex we were together for 15 years engaged for the last seven of them..our sex life was off the charts, our mental connection was strong.....we went through a lot together He was a cheat i forgave him time and again....i wanted him to marry me we had three girls together i wanted to unite our family under one name....that's when he left for another woman when i pushed the issue...i told him her or me...he chose her...ten years later......she was till waiting for him to marry her....she asked him to go....he has admitted if i had stayed he would have come back a long time ago...i knew that....that why i moved interstate....the physical connection needed to be distanced..... he wants to come see me now and talk about where the relationship we have might go...he doesnt know....told me you know me deb i haven' t got my crap together,im too much of a scatter brain......i miss you though and i want to see you......he bought me a car a couple fo months ago...he is good to me....he never ignores me...he is supportive....but....i dont know if he would ever marry me..... i have a mental illness and he accepts me for who i am, he tells me i am beautiful he is protective of me........makes me feel like a woman by how he talks to me and treats me....he makes me laugh....he believes in me....he needs me........ and i am sorely lacking in that belief department....he makes me feel special and not some thing on the bottom of the pile that everyone steps on........ i feel i should accept him like he accepts me....i just always hoped...i guess...he would marry me....but my heart knows he wont..he cant he is completely commitment shy.......and it isnt only me its been proven with..... i think when a guy tells you he cant commit...you have to believe him and decide on what is more important......i dont know if it will ever work out with me and my ex not even sure seeing him and talking to him face to face alone...is a good idea for me........i really dont.....but i do know..he wont marry me....but to be in his arms again.....feeling safe and protected....beautiful..appreciated and ...like a woman...not just a broke down mum............is very tempting..its been years since i felt that.......deb I'm sorry to hear about what you went through and are going through. Everything you stated does show that this person actually loves you and that he has issues. Definitely intimacy issues:( I guess these people usually stay this way forever, there really is no cure.....? The guy I dated told me he has issues and that he has never been in a relationship and I was an idiot and just let it slide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 If he's got commitment issues, then the relationship isn't good. It's an oxymoron. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 So I'm wondering why do they sabotage good relationships. Why do they have to ruin an amazing connection? Why do they have to cheat and start talking to other people when the person in front of them is their ideal type and why don't they even give that person they are with a chance and get to know the person? They have you and constantly wonder if they can have better. It's not as amazing as YOU think it is or the feeling is not equivalent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I'm sorry to hear about what you went through and are going through. Everything you stated does show that this person actually loves you and that he has issues. Definitely intimacy issues:( I guess these people usually stay this way forever, there really is no cure.....? The guy I dated told me he has issues and that he has never been in a relationship and I was an idiot and just let it slide. what it is when guys tell you they have commitment issues ....before hand is the fact they dont really want to hurt you so they let you know i can't commit.......they actually want you to be happy either with them knowing full well marriage wont happen ...or they give you an out.....so you can be happy......if i were to say to my ex ...hey im with someone and i am happy he wouldnt even try.... he would step back if i was happy........as i did for him.....i was going to fight for him early in our break up...but my values got in the way...and i let him go.....he seemed happy...... if i were to go back....it wouldnt ever be marriage that happened...which even though i would be happy in a sense i would never feel complete and there would always be sadness there i would be letting go of what i really value and believe in............and he knows that.....and so do i......deb.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 So I'm wondering why do they sabotage good relationships. Why do they have to ruin an amazing connection? Why do they have to cheat and start talking to other people when the person in front of them is their ideal type and why don't they even give that person they are with a chance and get to know the person? Why do they have to ruin an amazing connection? -- If a person is truly commitment-phobic, the fact is that THEY do not have the amazing connection that the other person perceives. You feel like there's an amazing connection. They are not able to truly connect enough and to the point where they would/could commit to another person. That's the hard fact. Their fears are deeply rooted and it's not likely that they even know themselves why they do what they do. The truly commitment-phobic person wants and needs the company of a "partner" but they know they are unable to give what's needed to maintain a real relationship. They are good people, they are nice people but they have some deep seeded things that have not been properly dealt with. Why do they have to cheat and start talking to other people -- They do that when they start to feel close to a person and that incites a fear response in them or they do it when they realize the other person is getting too close to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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