Anyone with Aspergers?

[lostandlonely2]

I was diagnosed 5 years ago, and am learning to deal with it the diagnosis... I have tried learning to deal with Aspergers all my life! but last week I had a chance to go to a concert I kinda wanted to see, but I chickened out (like I have a lot of my life) because of the social setting, interactions, etc. Now, I am really sad as everyone said it was a great concert...

 

My question is... I get so angry at myself for missing these opportunities - there have been so many of them in my life!!! I am sick of hating myself for being such a loser... I was just wondering what other people did to cope with it?

 

Thanks!

[spiderowl]

I don't have Asperger's but have family members who do. I can't understand how you feel but I know how they react in such situations. What seems to help them is having the space and time to decompress and wind down. They play musical instruments which helps them to relax. They sit quietly with their computers. Sometimes they just play with games, like Knex or other construction kits. One cooks and enjoys being creative that way.

 

Would it help to tell a close friend and ask them to accompany you so that you have someone you know around? That might be a way of easing yourself into more challenging situations. One of my family members sometimes shuts off in a social setting and wanders into a corner to close off social interaction for a while. She struggles with bright lights and lots of movement and noise so needs to take time out from that in order to cope better. Usually she pretty much crashes afterwards and would struggle to communicate for a while. We usually let her rest. Maybe it would help you to build in 'time out' patches. If you had a friend there, they could help you to get that break too.

Edited March 15, 2017 by spiderowl

[Tanyasinclair]

I was diagnosed 5 years ago, and am learning to deal with it the diagnosis... I have tried learning to deal with Aspergers all my life! but last week I had a chance to go to a concert I kinda wanted to see, but I chickened out (like I have a lot of my life) because of the social setting, interactions, etc. Now, I am really sad as everyone said it was a great concert...

 

My question is... I get so angry at myself for missing these opportunities - there have been so many of them in my life!!! I am sick of hating myself for being such a loser... I was just wondering what other people did to cope with it?

 

Thanks!

 

I have never been diagnosed, but it is highly suspected that I have aspergers because one of my best friends has it and we have found that we are extremely similar in how we think, some our sensitivities, and how we have responded to things, etc.

 

Plus it is suspected that my dad has it, and my brother was diagnosed with autism when he was very young.

 

....Plus to some degree, I've actually started to wonder in recent years if my mother might have it.

 

Either way, I just want you to know that I can totally relate to what you said, about wanting to go to do something and then missing out. I don't really have anything helpful to say, but maybe you will find it useful somehow if I just relate how I've had similar tendencies. ^^;

 

It's kinda like.... I was actually just thinking earlier today about how, when I was a kid, I was going with my dad for a short walk in the woods, because he liked to do this cute little thing when our family was out by the pond on the property we lived on. He would walk around to the other side of the pond and have this spot where he would look over at us and wave to us.

 

So one day, I decided that I wanted to go with him into that wooded area, and I wanted to be one of the ones there who stood in that spot on the other side to see it from that perspective, and to wave to my mom and brother. But... for some reason, I can't explain why, when Dad and I were not even halfway there, I chickened out and returned to my mom and brother and where they were. I don't know why, I think... it might have something to do with going and doing something unfamiliar, and something that is not part of the normal flow or routine?

 

Either way, when Dad was on the other side, I once again thought it was COOL to see him over there, and I felt so disappointed that he was now over there without me. And when I sorta complained about it later on, he was just like, "Well, you were the one who decided to go back." And yes, he was correct.

 

I honestly feel like I have missed some opportunities throughout my life because... well, I guess I chickened out in similar ways to what you mentioned, OP. I'm not sure what it is, it could just be that I find comfort, security, and even a sense of identity in routine, what is normally established, etc etc etc. And there have been times when I have been adventurous enough to go against the norm and proceed in an entirely new direction, but the problem is is that once there is a change (or at least a new, unfamiliar experience) you can't always predict the outcome or how it is going to effect you personally, sometimes you can't even anticipate how it might change you, even if it is only in gradual or subtle ways, or in ways that you don't even see or recognize at first.

 

Change is scary, it really is. And I think in some ways, people who are on the autistic spectrum are more resistant to change or going outside of their comfort zones because.... for lack of a better way to say it, routine is *necessary*, a vital part of their identity in some cases. It's kinda like a... state where, in some cases, certain patterns need to be followed or it causes severe discomfort, at the very least.

 

I even remember years ago, when I had an opportunity to stay over at my cousin's house, (not only to give her company because she was lonely that night, but to experience what it was like to have the "sleepover" thing where I could O_O actually be away from my parents for one whole night,) I chickened out because I just wasn't used to being away from home that long, and I thought my parents might have a problem with it. Soooo then I get home..... and find that my parents didn't seem to care one way or another that I was there, or had gotten home at all, and it seemed I might as well have stayed over.

 

BTW OP, I don't know if you've had any experience with this in particular, but... well, have you ever felt like you kinda want something to continue happening, just because it's familiar/routine/habit, even if it's not a very good thing?

 

One example on my end is... let's just say a friend and I agreed years ago that we should try to stop gossipping and complaining about every little thing, and that we should stop telling each other about every little thing that happened in our day, because it was unhealthy and getting out of hand.

 

Then.... when my friend agreed to this, and stopped doing it, I got bent out of shape because said friend was no longer doing things I had come to count on or thrive on, and I felt left out and I didn't like the change, and I didn't know how to deal with the change............ even though, in our discussion, we had agreed that those were unhealthy things we shouldn't have been doing in the first place.

[lostandlonely2]

Thanks, Spiderowl… I didn’t know a couple friends would have been there - saw their photos later on Facebook - but, yes, it would have helped tremendously if I had know they would have been there to ‘hang’ with

 

And Tanya, I also wonder if my whole family has it - my mum certainly did, and my father and sister maybe a tiny touch as well (most people are ‘on the spectrum’) but unlike what your loving father sounds like, mine was an abusive alcoholic… I never get safe anywhere ever as a kid - but anyway, to answer your question: I don’t have routines with other people like you do, so I have never experienced that, but my ‘routine’ is more feeling ‘imprisoned’ and safe at home alone - that’s the routine I need to break out of… I just get so mad when I do things like you did running back around the lake - why can't we just feel safe and calm and secure to go do things?

[lostandlonely2]

ps. Tanya, I just had my first 'sleep-over' a couple years ago... I'm 52, and it was with some friends that rented a holiday house. I had to take my own car and drive away for a few hours everyday to be alone and 'decompress' as Spiderowl says - maybe that's why we can't go too far from 'home' or security - we need to be able to hide?

[Tanyasinclair]

This makes me consider just why it is it feels like there is a need to hide, or to have a place to return to in order to hide. ^^;

 

In a way, it sorta makes me wonder if there could be something in the subconscious, or perhaps borderline... instinctual (if I can even use that word) that makes us perceive any kind of change, and/or anything outside of the familiar turf or routine, a potential danger? Or is it just that the strange and the unfamiliar is outside the comfort zone (and personal experience) enough to where we don't know how to deal with it, and don't WANT to deal with it readily?

[Fair]

I don't believe in half these mental health 'labels'.

[lostandlonely2]

Tanya, it might be some sort of 'survival' mechanism... I just hate the way it kicks-in and overrides 'normal' thought and behaviour - most people are debilitated by needing a sense of security or safety in 'normal' social situations - we must just be hard-wired to 'flight'... I used to hide in closets, attics, cars... anywhere to get away from people as a kid

[JustGettingBy]

As an aspie myself, I feel I should step in.

 

Having a friend or two in an environment has always helped as Spiderowl said, especially if its a friend who is both

 

a) into whatever you're doing

 

and

 

b) able to do a lot of the talking to others for the two of you

 

Other things that have help:

 

Start small and take steps up to what you're doing. For example, go to a smaller concert or two before going to such a big one. It will at the very least boost your self-esteem.

 

Forgive yourself for any social faux paux. How many people have you seen do slightly embarrassing things? Do you hold it too hard against them? Probably not. Others like see your mistakes the same way.

[lostandlonely2]

Thanks, Just Getting By... I know this sounds strange, but I've just realised that I could actually invite friends to go to a concert!