An affair with my boss

[Hotmammabear]

I'm currently involved in an affair with my boss. We are going on almost 4 months now. I'm not even sure I have a question I guess the secret is just getting to me. A little back story on me. I'm 27 years old and I have 2 kids from different father's. My oldest was born when I was 18, to a much older guy that I had ran away with when I was 17. We got married a few days after I turned 18 but before she was born because I really thought that's what I wanted. The guy was abusive and controlling, but I figured since I had a kid with him I needed to stick it out. Well after she was born it got worse, long story short we got divorced and now he is a dead beat dad I luckily don't have to see. The reason I'm mentioning this is because my 8 year old daughter doesn't have her dad in her life. Since the divorce I've been pretty much looking for a good dad for her. I know that's not how you seek a relationship now but it took 2 kids and many failed relationships to realize that.

 

Which leads me to where I am now. I started dating my current boyfriend less then 2 weeks after ending a 2 year long relationship. My BF had been a good friend for years and the second he found out I was single he drove an hour to where I had moved to "make sure I was set up", he proceeded to get a few things for the new house and beforr he left he told me he wanted to date me but didn't want to rush. Well of course i told him I needed to be single for a while but I'd have sex with him. Eventually the sex led to him offering for me and the girls to move in with him. Better school district, less bills for me, and a great fatherly influence for my kids. It was a no brainer for me to do it. And when I did I even thought to myself. "OK this is it if you move in with him you will not change your mind or get bored you will put up with what ever, at least until the girls are older"

 

Now how the affair started. ..

I never had an inkling to cheat on my boyfriends I've always just left if I wanted to seek something else.

Even when I realized we weren't sexually compatible. But one day my I was talking to my boss through text and he was drinking and got a little flirty and I liked it. It made me feel so attractive and wanted and lusted after that I flirted back. It was easy because I've always been attracted to him.(I grew up in a small all white town, I had never been exposed to black people except on tv. So all though as an adult I've worked with a few. He was the first that I ever thought of having sex with. And once I thought of it I couldn't get it out of my head. Just picturing it had me so horny. He is also twice my age, but I didn't know that, he literally looks 15 years younger then he is I didn't believe when he told me his age) By the end of that night I had sent him pictures of my breasts and told him I wanted to have sex with him but it would have to be a one time thing. I'm busy, he is busy. One time would be doable but an on going thing was not what I wanted. He agreed.

 

After that first time though I didn't even get home before I wanted more. Since then we talk almost daily (out side of work) and we hook up when we can, sometimes every week some times we gotta go weeks with out.

I don't care if he has another fwb or whatever. I'm not in this for a relationship, I already have a relationship, And I've told him. He feels the same way he doesn't want relationships because he lives with and cares for his mother who has dementia plus he gets bored in relationships quickly like I do. He can't commit. So this should be perfect right. We have this amazing sex. There is so much communication about what we want and what we crave, and we both get off on giving the other exactly what they want. Seriously best I've ever had. The only issue i have is confusion with what kind of game he is playing. He would mention whether he got together with this other fwb he has had for 5 years. I guess she is married and can't decide if she wants to keep cheating or split up with her husband so she won't feel guilty. Then she found one of my hairs on his bed, and she got really upset with him. He broke it off because he didn't want that drama, she was starting to leave stuff at his house and show up unannounced to detour me because I threatened her. I told him he didn't have to break it off for me. I could just stop coming over, it's that easy. He said he was done. I asked if it was more serious then just fwb because 5 years is a long time to just have the benefits, but he said he just let it keep going because it was easy and fulfilled his needs, and made a point to tell me she is a grandma so I would know she isn't in the same league as me. OK I was over it forgot about it. Have continued to sleep with him. But he brings her up every once and a while almost like he wants me to act jealous. Maybe he is just testing me out to see if I get jealous.

 

When it was time to get my iud out so I opted for a tubal removal. I was actually hoping I would be one of the women who have decreased sexual desire after this type of surgery. But it's only been a week since my op, and I just can't stop thinking about it. I gave him head yesterday, and wanted to today but his appointment ran late. I'm planning on trying tomorrow at work if we aren't busy. I'm scared my newly raised sex drive will drive him away (it was already really high all I ever want to talk about is sex, I think about sex all the time, pretty sure I'm an addict). So I'm trying to release some of that sexual Tention on my boyfriend, and he will have none of it. It's like he is the chick in the relationship. Always tired, always already asleep, always has an excuse. I'm scared if this is how I feel now a week post op, it will just get worse. If I didn't think it would be too risky I'd find another guy to have for back up. And if my kids weren't so young an impressionable I don't even want to think about what I would do. But their age is what keeps me from just living single and having all the Friends with benefits I could find. I test the waters a lot just to see if a guy would be interested but I'm kind of worried I'll get addicted to affairs. So I don't want to start another up. I can't go on only having sex once a week or once every other week. I have a live in boyfriend and a FWB for Petes sake. I shouldn't have trouble get laid at least a few times a week.

 

Thanks for reading my book. Please don't make me cry.

Edited March 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[Hotmammabear]

Oh and I guess before I hear it. Yes I know I have issues. It stems from child molestation, I didn't realize what it was until years after my dad died, not that I would have confront him any way. And really controlling mom that never talked about sex or dating, and Refused to let me date (that's why I ended up running away at 17 with the first guy who was interested in me) Yes I know I already probably messed my kids up by jumping relationships every 2 years. I'm not planning on doing that this time. I am happy with my relationship. But I don't want to stop have this affair, I can honestly see myself with both men for years I can see myself happy with them both. I've never had that before either. I'm normally done and bored with a guy in 6 months, and I never see a happy future even in the beginning of relationships because I know it won't last but I feel like my boss and I want the same thing so we will be ok. And I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend will never change.

[S2B]

Looks like you're getting what you want and don't intend to change anything...

 

What do you think we can help you with?

[Hotmammabear]

Looks like you're getting what you want and don't intend to change anything...

 

What do you think we can help you with?

 

I don't know honestly. I guess I was hoping to get some insight. To see what people's initial reactions are to all of this. The last few months were kind if a roller coaster. But now its catching up to me what I'm actually doing and planning to do.

I've been a little manic for a while now and I feel like it's time for the wheel to turn. I'm never content for 3 months so I know it's coming.

This is just such a crazier move then I ever thought I would take. I've have thoughts of croosing lines, not with cheating but other morals. And I've just always thought i was better then that. I'm trying to understand what brought me to this point. Is it worth the risk?

[Hotmammabear]

I want to know if I've gone crazy. I don't have any friends or family 7 controlling relationships have a tendency to drive people away from you. My only friend is my boss. And of course he is going to say I'm OK and that I've became a wonderful person and mother despite what I've been drug through. And I'm not crazy for having an extremely high sex drive and it's OK to let friends help you fulfill that if your not getting it from your relationship.

[freengreen]

Although you have been through bad spaces, molestation etc... dont rationalise the affair and your other decssions on it.

 

Be a stronger woman, let the past make you a stronger/ braver person or let it go.

Ps: some men can sniff needy vulnarable women from miles, they prey, they dont love.

Edited March 16, 2017 by freengreen

[aileD]

Have you ever seen a therapist? Is it possible you are bipolar?

[Birdies]

I want to know if I've gone crazy. I don't have any friends or family 7 controlling relationships have a tendency to drive people away from you. My only friend is my boss. And of course he is going to say I'm OK and that I've became a wonderful person and mother despite what I've been drug through. And I'm not crazy for having an extremely high sex drive and it's OK to let friends help you fulfill that if your not getting it from your relationship.

 

Well is not ok, unless you and your partner have agreed to it. So many people here have gone through the forbidden excitement and the rationalization of an affair....and we've also gone through the ultimate shltshow of life-exploding drama and destroying your loved ones' / kids' lives that eventually happens. Don't think it won't happen to you, especially if his other gf is suspicious and he's your only friend. It's a ticking time bomb and the only question is when, not if, it will explode.

 

I really think you could benefit from some therapy to learn some healthy life coping skills. Good luck xoxoxo

[What_Did_I_Do]

HM, no judgement. Childhood trauma can muck one up in a big way. But that said, counselling is probably a good idea here. You're still young and can work your way out of this 'need' for the insatiable sexual attention/gratification.

 

This behaviour can easily spin out of control and unfortunately your kids could get caught in the mess. Your boss is not your friend. If HR got wind of this, you may lose your job. It is SO not worth the risk. Work on getting yourself healed HM.

 

Take care.

[somanymistakes]

Sometimes it's useful just to document what's going on and how you're feeling over time, even if right now you don't want to change anything.

 

In the grip of a relationship it's easy for your emotions to affect your rationality and make you think that what you feel now, you've always felt. If you write down how you feel day to day, you may eventually be able to look back over it and see if any patterns emerge. ARE you actually happy? Are you on a rollercoaster? Did your plans and predictions turn out to be true?

 

Everyone will always tell you an affair isn't worth it (and they're probably right) but the most important thing is for you to know yourself. Especially if you know you tend to go in cycles with things, making notes about how you feel over time can be very helpful in realising what you're doing and what you really need.

[stillafool]

I don't see what we can help you with as you seem perfectly happy. You are not really having an affair but just having sex with a guy who only wants you for sex and looking for additional secret sex apart from the man who was nice enough to give your kids a home. Hey, if this works for you all the best.

[BluesPower]

I agree kind of...

 

I get the need for sex, I really do. But what everyone else said is completely true.

 

The Affair:

 

Here is what will happen, your clueless BF, will at some point, figure out that you are screwing around and probably end it. It is libel to blow up in the presence of your child, bad deal all the way around. You just cannot imagine the upheaval in your and your child's life that this will cause. You don't need that. If you love him this is going to hurt you almost as bad as it will hurt him. It is a terrible thing to go through.

 

I understand that it really is about the sex for you, and hopefully you are not developing any real feelings. There a many better ways to go about getting laid as much as you want.

 

And while I cannot understand a man not taking care of his GF's/Wife's sexual needs, I do understand the it happens all the time. But again, there are better ways to go about this.

 

1) Loose the BF, and be single.

2) Talk to him about an open relationship.

3) Explain that your sex life is lacking with him and something has to change.

4) Talk to BF about swinging.

 

And probably several things that I have not thought of. But there are better ways to go about getting what you want.

 

Sexual Addiction:

 

I have no idea if you are a sex addict or not. But if you are, you need to get some help with this. It seems all fine and dandy for a while, but at some point, women especially, really start to feel worthless. The way that they get over that feeling is with their next sexual hook-up. Then at some point, it is way more than being horny and being sex positive, it turns into an addiction.

 

With the addiction, the behavior becomes more and more risky. This can lead to, even when you are being careful, any number of STD's up to and including AIDS.

 

So, this is something that you really need to get some therapy about, and really understand where you are and whether or not you are sexually addicted.

 

Your Child:

 

Be sure to not let you sexual practices or attitude affect your child. She is your most important responsibility. So whatever you choose to do, you need to put her first and not let you life decisions affect her in a negative way.

[BluesPower]

I agree kind of...

 

I get the need for sex, I really do. But what everyone else said is completely true.

 

The Affair:

 

Here is what will happen, your clueless BF, will at some point, figure out that you are screwing around and probably end it. It is libel to blow up in the presence of your child, bad deal all the way around. You just cannot imagine the upheaval in your and your child's life that this will cause. You don't need that. If you love him this is going to hurt you almost as bad as it will hurt him. It is a terrible thing to go through.

 

I understand that it really is about the sex for you, and hopefully you are not developing any real feelings. There a many better ways to go about getting laid as much as you want.

 

And while I cannot understand a man not taking care of his GF's/Wife's sexual needs, I do understand the it happens all the time. But again, there are better ways to go about this.

 

1) Loose the BF, and be single.

2) Talk to him about an open relationship.

3) Explain that your sex life is lacking with him and something has to change.

4) Talk to BF about swinging.

 

And probably several things that I have not thought of. But there are better ways to go about getting what you want.

 

Sexual Addiction:

 

I have no idea if you are a sex addict or not. But if you are, you need to get some help with this. It seems all fine and dandy for a while, but at some point, women especially, really start to feel worthless. The way that they get over that feeling is with their next sexual hook-up. Then at some point, it is way more than being horny and being sex positive, it turns into an addiction.

 

With the addiction, the behavior becomes more and more risky. This can lead to, even when you are being careful, any number of STD's up to and including AIDS.

 

So, this is something that you really need to get some therapy about, and really understand where you are and whether or not you are sexually addicted.

 

Your Child:

 

Be sure to not let you sexual practices or attitude affect your child. She is your most important responsibility. So whatever you choose to do, you need to put her first and not let you life decisions affect her in a negative way.

[S2B]

I don't know honestly. I guess I was hoping to get some insight. To see what people's initial reactions are to all of this. The last few months were kind if a roller coaster. But now its catching up to me what I'm actually doing and planning to do.

I've been a little manic for a while now and I feel like it's time for the wheel to turn. I'm never content for 3 months so I know it's coming.

This is just such a crazier move then I ever thought I would take. I've have thoughts of croosing lines, not with cheating but other morals. And I've just always thought i was better then that. I'm trying to understand what brought me to this point. Is it worth the risk?

 

Sounds like you have conflicts going on in your mind. Have you ever considered seeing a professional for guidance?

[Hotmammabear]

Thanks for the insight everyone. No I haven't sought out therapy. When I was in high school my mom took me to a Dr because she thought I was depressed ( I was going through a goth clothing stage) who immediately put me on paxil celexa, and abilify, with it even talking to me. Just going by my dad's mental history.

(Generalized anxiety, bipolar, manic depressive, obsessive disorder the list goes on) I was on them for 2 years until I ran away. That whole time I was a zombie. I didn't do anything but sit and zone out barely joined into any conversations, couldn't concentrate on home work so I eventually just couldn't take it any more and knew if I stayed in that house I would have to keep taking the meds. I don't feel comfortable seeking therapy at this time because I'm just now coming to terms with the molestation myself, I always knew these events occurred but it wasn't until I slept with my boss, and realized wow I went really far. Why am I so ****ed up. So I started doing research on why women have relationship cycles like I do, and turns out cold hood molestation is a common factor. But I didn't think I was molested, I had lots of sexual expirences as a small child, I remember 4 prominently from when I was 3, 4 6 and 8. And that's when I realized that was molestation. And instead of listening to me head, what said to tell my boyfriend. Don't sleep with the boss. But instead I kinda tried to pause things. And now is been three months and I feel like I cant pause it for much longer. I've got to take action soon. But what if people don't believe the molestation. I still know one of the guys involved and I like him I don't want him to go to jail for doing that to me, I grew up with him alays round after that and I always kind of had a crush on him but he was so much older I never tried anything, I'm so glad. But then I think about if it was my daughter he would never make it to the jail. I know a therapist would probably help me sort this but I don't think I an do that. Taking on here about it is easy it's not effecting anyone's life. Once I say it out loud I can't suck it back in.

And my dad is dead. I can't do that to everyone who lover him.

[Hotmammabear]

I've got to stop crying now and get ready for work now but I'll trying to reply to specific comments when I'm able.

[Hotmammabear]

Although you have been through bad spaces, molestation etc... dont rationalise the affair and your other decssions on it.

 

Be a stronger woman, let the past make you a stronger/ braver person or let it go.

Ps: some men can sniff needy vulnarable women from miles, they prey, they dont love.

 

This is the actual delima I am in. I didn't face my issues when I realized I had them and I'm worried now that using it to rationalize my choices is not right either. I want to be a better person then this. But I'm finding I'm very weak.

[Birdies]

I've got to stop crying now and get ready for work now but I'll trying to reply to specific comments when I'm able.

 

Aw poor thing. Hugs! I'm sorry you've had a rough go of it. The best thing you can do to make your future brighter, and more importantly to give your kids a good stable childhood so they will be happy functional adults, is to figure out how to regulate your coping mechanisms.

 

Going to therapy wouldn't require you to go on meds, or require you to confront any of the abusers or your family members. (The statue of limitations is probably expired for any legal action anyway.) It would be a way to try to work through this history so that you can learn to be happy and love yourself and treat yourself well. The sex sounds like it's great, but it's not really a substitute for feeling emotional peace, right?

 

And if this all goes haywire, it will surely affect your kids. Just like, as you said, having a rotation of not-so-great men in their lives has likely affected them. I can tell you're a loving mom, you don't want to be accidentally damaging your kiddos... Time to pull up the big girl panties and get to work! I know you feel weak, but a qualified professional can help you to feel stronger! Hugs again.

[stillafool]

Thanks for the insight everyone. No I haven't sought out therapy. When I was in high school my mom took me to a Dr because she thought I was depressed ( I was going through a goth clothing stage) who immediately put me on paxil celexa, and abilify, with it even talking to me. Just going by my dad's mental history.

(Generalized anxiety, bipolar, manic depressive, obsessive disorder the list goes on) I was on them for 2 years until I ran away. That whole time I was a zombie. I didn't do anything but sit and zone out barely joined into any conversations, couldn't concentrate on home work so I eventually just couldn't take it any more and knew if I stayed in that house I would have to keep taking the meds. I don't feel comfortable seeking therapy at this time because I'm just now coming to terms with the molestation myself, I always knew these events occurred but it wasn't until I slept with my boss, and realized wow I went really far. Why am I so ****ed up. So I started doing research on why women have relationship cycles like I do, and turns out cold hood molestation is a common factor. But I didn't think I was molested, I had lots of sexual expirences as a small child, I remember 4 prominently from when I was 3, 4 6 and 8. And that's when I realized that was molestation. And instead of listening to me head, what said to tell my boyfriend. Don't sleep with the boss. But instead I kinda tried to pause things. And now is been three months and I feel like I cant pause it for much longer. I've got to take action soon. But what if people don't believe the molestation. I still know one of the guys involved and I like him I don't want him to go to jail for doing that to me, I grew up with him alays round after that and I always kind of had a crush on him but he was so much older I never tried anything, I'm so glad. But then I think about if it was my daughter he would never make it to the jail. I know a therapist would probably help me sort this but I don't think I an do that. Taking on here about it is easy it's not effecting anyone's life. Once I say it out loud I can't suck it back in.

And my dad is dead. I can't do that to everyone who lover him.

 

A Therapist will believe you when you say you were molested and can help you sort yourself out. Anything you tell them is confidential and won't affect their life or anyone else's. A forum is okay to vent but won't give you the help you need.

[Life lessons]

I don't know honestly. I guess I was hoping to get some insight. To see what people's initial reactions are to all of this. The last few months were kind if a roller coaster. But now its catching up to me what I'm actually doing and planning to do.

I've been a little manic for a while now and I feel like it's time for the wheel to turn. I'm never content for 3 months so I know it's coming.

This is just such a crazier move then I ever thought I would take. I've have thoughts of croosing lines, not with cheating but other morals. And I've just always thought i was better then that. I'm trying to understand what brought me to this point. Is it worth the risk?

 

First of all, let your bf know that you are putting him at risk for STDs because you're having unprotected sex. That's a huge deal and he needs to know! Secondly, I've semi been in your situation. I am married and I had an OM. Im not a sex addict but I can tell you that that in itself was addicting. The thrill-the addiction-the desire-the attention. You obviously don't want to let either of them go at this point but at the least, let your bf know that you're putting him at risk.

[BluesPower]

Hotmammabear, we are all sending hugs...

 

Listen, you can make it through this. Keep posting and tell us how you are feeling.

 

There are a lot of people that can steer you thru getting help for your Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA).

 

Keep your chin up, and cry if you want to...

[oldshirt]

I would also highly recommend seeking therapy.

 

I knew within the first few sentences of your first post that you were a victim of CSA.

 

None of this is due to sex drive. Victims of CSA often use sexuality as a form of "currency" to obtain things they want and need such as attention, validation, acceptance, food on the table, roof over their heads, support and assistance for their children etc etc.

 

This is why it is quite common to find victims of CSA in activities such as strippers, nude models/porn actresses, sex workers/prostitutes as well as gold diggers, sugar babies etc etc.

 

It's a complex issue that requires more than strangers on the internet but a lot of it boils down to feeling so devalued and having such a low value of intimacy and sexuality that sexually becomes pocket changes in order to get validation and goods and services.

 

The problem is predators can smell it a mile away and utilize it to score some extra poon in a heartbeat.

 

Victims of CSA also often have a tendency to be suspicious of and even avoid healthy, decent men who would treat them well in favor of men who will openly exploit them. This can manifest in walking away from perfectly decent guys once a predator dangles something shiny in front of them and offering them something more for sex in return.

 

Victims of CSA are no more "horny" and have no higher sex drives than any other woman and it's arguable whether they are even prone sex addiction. Its more of a complete derangement of their sexual blueprint and how they view men, sexuality and their relationships with men (and women as well)

 

Sexuality is not a special and sacred form of expression between them and their special someone. It is a form of currency to get what they want from men because they do not believe they have anything else to offer and believe men won't respond to anything else.

 

Expert and Intensive therapy with someone who specializes in CSA can help.

[Hotmammabear]

First of all, let your bf know that you are putting him at risk for STDs because you're having unprotected sex. That's a huge deal and he needs to know! Secondly, I've semi been in your situation. I am married and I had an OM. Im not a sex addict but I can tell you that that in itself was addicting. The thrill-the addiction-the desire-the attention. You obviously don't want to let either of them go at this point but at the least, let your bf know that you're putting him at risk.

Never unprotected

[Hotmammabear]

A Therapist will believe you when you say you were molested and can help you sort yourself out. Anything you tell them is confidential and won't affect their life or anyone else's. A forum is okay to vent but won't give you the help you need.

 

In sure a therapist would. I doubt my Bf would. He is unsympathetic to mental illness and anxiety. Tells me every day to just calm down and doesn't understand why that hurts but that's another issue. I want to tell him but I'm scared he will either not believe it or it will change how he sees me.

[Hotmammabear]

Hotmammabear, we are all sending hugs...

 

Listen, you can make it through this. Keep posting and tell us how you are feeling.

 

There are a lot of people that can steer you thru getting help for your Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA).

 

Keep your chin up, and cry if you want to...

thank you for the acronym.

I think I'm so numb to it all. Then it hits me all at once if I think of the wrong things. This behavior is really out of character for me honestly. I won't through years of abusive guys accusing me of cheating when i never even talked to men, and the one guy who doesn't accuse me I cheat on.