An affair with my boss

[Hotmammabear]

I would also highly recommend seeking therapy.

 

I knew within the first few sentences of your first post that you were a victim of CSA.

 

None of this is due to sex drive. Victims of CSA often use sexuality as a form of "currency" to obtain things they want and need such as attention, validation, acceptance, food on the table, roof over their heads, support and assistance for their children etc etc.

 

This is why it is quite common to find victims of CSA in activities such as strippers, nude models/porn actresses, sex workers/prostitutes as well as gold diggers, sugar babies etc etc.

 

It's a complex issue that requires more than strangers on the internet but a lot of it boils down to feeling so devalued and having such a low value of intimacy and sexuality that sexually becomes pocket changes in order to get validation and goods and services.

 

The problem is predators can smell it a mile away and utilize it to score some extra poon in a heartbeat.

 

Victims of CSA also often have a tendency to be suspicious of and even avoid healthy, decent men who would treat them well in favor of men who will openly exploit them. This can manifest in walking away from perfectly decent guys once a predator dangles something shiny in front of them and offering them something more for sex in return.

 

Victims of CSA are no more "horny" and have no higher sex drives than any other woman and it's arguable whether they are even prone sex addiction. Its more of a complete derangement of their sexual blueprint and how they view men, sexuality and their relationships with men (and women as well)

 

Sexuality is not a special and sacred form of expression between them and their special someone. It is a form of currency to get what they want from men because they do not believe they have anything else to offer and believe men won't respond to anything else.

 

Expert and Intensive therapy with someone who specializes in CSA can help.

 

I've said to my friends before that I didn't have kids I would have been a stripper lol.

But seriously all good insight. And it's completely true if there were no consequences I would sleep with every guy I could. I like feeling wanted and sexy and lusted after.

[VeveCakes]

So therapist etc aside... what about your bf? Why stay with him? To use him for support financially and for your kids?

 

Sleep with whomever you want, but set your bf free so he can be loved the way he deserves.

[freengreen]

This is the actual delima I am in. I didn't face my issues when I realized I had them and I'm worried now that using it to rationalize my choices is not right either. I want to be a better person then this. But I'm finding I'm very weak.

If you want to but you arnt able to do it yourself...then professional help should work. Like the phrase goes'if you want a different output, you need a different input...'

 

all the best.

[deadsoul]

I'm so sorry you've been through all this. You really have handled a lot and it's a big first step to reach out for help. I hope you will reach out to a psychiatrist for help. Medication is not a bad thing, it just might take awhile to find the right one. After all you've gone through, if there is something like depression or bipolar going on, your first step is getting yourself settled. And then deal with the affair. Your girls need you to take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

[Life lessons]

Never unprotected

 

My apologies! I thought I read you done oral on him!? Maybe I got confused. Again my apologies. I'm sorry for the childhood trauma you have endured.

[stillafool]

In sure a therapist would. I doubt my Bf would. He is unsympathetic to mental illness and anxiety. Tells me every day to just calm down and doesn't understand why that hurts but that's another issue. I want to tell him but I'm scared he will either not believe it or it will change how he sees me.

 

A therapist can help you tell him or instruct you how to do it. She may even sit with you while you tell him. You don't have to disclose this to him until you talk it out with a therapist for your own healing. Then you can tell him. You need the help first before you even involve him. What will change how he sees you is if he finds out you are having sex with other men. There may be no coming back from that.

[stillafool]

 

I gave him head yesterday, and wanted to today but his appointment ran late.

 

My apologies! I thought I read you done oral on him!? Maybe I got confused. Again my apologies. I'm sorry for the childhood trauma you have endured.

 

Yes you read right.

[Hotmammabear]

My apologies! I thought I read you done oral on him!? Maybe I got confused. Again my apologies. I'm sorry for the childhood trauma you have endured.

 

Lol that's the first time in my whole life I heard of oral as unprotected sex.

[anika99]

Oral sex counts as unprotected sex. Herpes and HPV is very easily passed through oral.

[RecentChange]

Oral sex counts as unprotected sex. Herpes and HPV is very easily passed through oral.

 

While this is true, the latest numbers indicate that around 75% of the sexually active population has been exposed to HPV

 

Herpes? Oral version 67% of the world's population has been exposed.

 

If someone has been sexually active, and has had more than 1 or 2 partners, the odds are they have already been exposed.

 

Yes, it's a risk of an STI, but not quite the same as unprotected PIV sex.

[oldshirt]

What will change how he sees you is if he finds out you are having sex with other men. There may be no coming back from that.

 

This^^^^^

 

Yes, he may change how he sees you when he finds out about your CSA, but what you are showing him now is a lie and is not the real you.

 

It is a risk it may change how he views you and he may even discontinue the relationship.

 

But your relationship is doomed anyway because you are hooking up with whatever guy dangles something shiny in front of you. Eventually the law of averages will catch up to you and he will find out you are a recalcitrant cheater.

 

I guarantee you, he will change his view of you if he finds out on his own.

 

If you address your issues like a responsible adult with a professional therapist and you come clean and disclose your issues and your history and you demonstrate that you are taking steps towards addressing it and fixing it, he might chose to stay with you and work with you on it.

 

But I think we can all guarantee that if he finds out on his own that you are doing whoever catches your eye that day, he isn't going to go for that.

[anika99]

While this is true, the latest numbers indicate that around 75% of the sexually active population has been exposed to HPV

 

Herpes? Oral version 67% of the world's population has been exposed.

 

If someone has been sexually active, and has had more than 1 or 2 partners, the odds are they have already been exposed.

 

Yes, it's a risk of an STI, but not quite the same as unprotected PIV sex.

 

Not sure what your point is. Herpes 2, sometimes referred to as genital herpes and Herpes 1 which is sometimes referred to as oral herpes, are not actually restricted to those areas. People can contract HPV 2 orally or Herpes 1 of the genitals. If the OP's MM has Herpes 2 and the OP gives him oral then she can absolutely wind up with Herpes 2, and vice versa. If the OP has herpes 1 and gives oral the MM could end up with herpes 1 of the genitals.

 

And while it's true that huge amounts of people have been exposed to the HPV virus, many strains lead to cervical cancer in females and throat cancer in males. So if the OM or the OP are lucky enough to have not been exposed to HPV yet then why not take measures to keep it that way?

[Hotmammabear]

Thanks everyone the more I read and research the more I see my issues. This is all making me feel a little better. I'm still worried I'll choke when it comes to actually acting on bettering myself and changing the way I'm dealing and reacting to situations. I'm going to make myself a plan of action, and I'm going to follow it, and I do plan to find some kind of therapy. I gotta find out how much the copays would even be and where my insurance will be accepted. And I'm so behind on so much other aspects of my life right now. When I said I kind of have been on pause im serious. I just kind of been this horrible copy of myself. Not nearly as motivated, and on top of things. I'm getting that feeling of dread even though I could probably pull this off for years with no issues. I know I need to stop it. But I'm so scared that If i just face everything at once then I'll explode, or I'll just ruin my life because I won't be able to handle the situation properly. Ugh I need to just make a check list and get this situated in my brain but I'm constantly changing my mindad on what should be done first.

[Hotmammabear]

This^^^^^

 

Yes, he may change how he sees you when he finds out about your CSA, but what you are showing him now is a lie and is not the real you.

 

It is a risk it may change how he views you and he may even discontinue the relationship.

 

But your relationship is doomed anyway because you are hooking up with whatever guy dangles something shiny in front of you. Eventually the law of averages will catch up to you and he will find out you are a recalcitrant cheater.

 

I guarantee you, he will change his view of you if he finds out on his own.

 

If you address your issues like a responsible adult with a professional therapist and you come clean and disclose your issues and your history and you demonstrate that you are taking steps towards addressing it and fixing it, he might chose to stay with you and work with you on it.

 

But I think we can all guarantee that if he finds out on his own that you are doing whoever catches your eye that day, he isn't going to go for that.

 

OK I have no idea where you got the idea that I'm doing any guy that dangles a shiny thing my face this is the first time I've ever cheated or ever had an inkling to cheat. Yes I've thought about what it would be like to sleep with people but I don't want to.

But I do agree with the rest and I'm sure his reaction would be the same if I said I cheated with one person, as it would if I said I cheated with a few or more people.

I guess it's obvious that I'm avoiding the subject of telling him. There are meany reasons for this. But #1 comes with the fact that when I tell him I can't just tell him I cheated. I'm going to have to tell him I was molested. And I and I know it will sound like an excuse but if I don't say it and decide to tell him about that later then it will look like I made the molestation thing to get him back to save things or to justify it either way. I want to tell him about the molestation first. And I need to soon because I'm going to be going to therapy and he will want to know why.

My biggest fear either way is just that he will not sympathize with the molestation even if he didn't know about the cheating

I really do care about his feelings and what he thinks of me I know it doesn't seem like it and I'm not showing that by my actions. He was my friend way before we were dating.

Edited March 17, 2017 by Hotmammabear

[waterwoman]

Good luck hotmamabear. You have had a rough deal - here's hoping you can make it better from now on xx

[stillafool]

OK I have no idea where you got the idea that I'm doing any guy that dangles a shiny thing my face this is the first time I've ever cheated or ever had an inkling to cheat. Yes I've thought about what it would be like to sleep with people but I don't want to.

But I do agree with the rest and I'm sure his reaction would be the same if I said I cheated with one person, as it would if I said I cheated with a few or more people.

I guess it's obvious that I'm avoiding the subject of telling him. There are meany reasons for this. But #1 comes with the fact that when I tell him I can't just tell him I cheated. I'm going to have to tell him I was molested. And I and I know it will sound like an excuse but if I don't say it and decide to tell him about that later then it will look like I made the molestation thing to get him back to save things or to justify it either way. I want to tell him about the molestation first. And I need to soon because I'm going to be going to therapy and he will want to know why.

My biggest fear either way is just that he will not sympathize with the molestation even if he didn't know about the cheating

I really do care about his feelings and what he thinks of me I know it doesn't seem like it and I'm not showing that by my actions. He was my friend way before we were dating.

 

There is no guarantee that if you tell him about the molestation and then the sex with the OM that he is going to understand. Plenty of people have been molested but are not craving sex with other people. I doubt seriously he is going to accept molestation as your excuse to cheat. Stop worrying about him and worry about how your actions will affect your daughter if you don't straighten up. My cousin's mother acted like you when she was a child and my cousin ended up seeing too much and repeated her mother's actions when she grew up. So get yourself well for your child.

 

And, it doesn't matter if he doesn't sympathize with the molestation, get help anyway for you and your child.

[Hotmammabear]

OK so quite a bit has happened in the last 2 days. Well what feels like a lot to me. I spent the night before last doing a lot of research into CSA. And into children of CSA survivors although there isn't much research what there is really can put things into focus. I Also bought the ebook the courage to heal so I could read it right away. I am already about half way through. What I decided the first step should be is no contact with my boss. So I texted him and said I wanted to for now. He asked how long, and why. And I said I didn't know a few weeks my recovery and the hormone surge I've experienced have been a little much and I don't want to do anything stupid right now. ( which is the truth but I also don't feel ready to deal with that confrontationight and I'm not ready to make it final. Which is horrible yes but what I need to do right now to keep moving yes) I have also started a journal which has been recommended everywhere! I already love that. I'm working towards strengthening my relationships with my support system, and reached out to a few people I haven't talked to much since this started. Including my boyfriend, we spent hours together watching tv today. Which we haven't done in a long time. But it was bitter sweet because I know what's coming.

I'm off work the next 2 days and plan to do start looking into therapy(I also have to see what is covered by my insurance and where, I know I have a very minimal plan). I also talked about my depression and anxiety with my best friend (only friend, I've known since high school) who I barely see and talk too but we always pick up like it was yesterday. She told me about St Johns wart so I've done some research. And feel confident to start taking that this week also to maybe help stabilize my mood.

All of this has led me to feel very accomplished, but also dreading the next steps. Please Give me patience.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Oral sex counts as unprotected sex. Herpes and HPV is very easily passed through oral.

 

And chlamydia

[BluesPower]

OK so quite a bit has happened in the last 2 days. Well what feels like a lot to me. I spent the night before last doing a lot of research into CSA. And into children of CSA survivors although there isn't much research what there is really can put things into focus. I Also bought the ebook the courage to heal so I could read it right away. I am already about half way through. What I decided the first step should be is no contact with my boss. So I texted him and said I wanted to for now. He asked how long, and why. And I said I didn't know a few weeks my recovery and the hormone surge I've experienced have been a little much and I don't want to do anything stupid right now. ( which is the truth but I also don't feel ready to deal with that confrontationight and I'm not ready to make it final. Which is horrible yes but what I need to do right now to keep moving yes) I have also started a journal which has been recommended everywhere! I already love that. I'm working towards strengthening my relationships with my support system, and reached out to a few people I haven't talked to much since this started. Including my boyfriend, we spent hours together watching tv today. Which we haven't done in a long time. But it was bitter sweet because I know what's coming.

I'm off work the next 2 days and plan to do start looking into therapy(I also have to see what is covered by my insurance and where, I know I have a very minimal plan). I also talked about my depression and anxiety with my best friend (only friend, I've known since high school) who I barely see and talk too but we always pick up like it was yesterday. She told me about St Johns wart so I've done some research. And feel confident to start taking that this week also to maybe help stabilize my mood.

All of this has led me to feel very accomplished, but also dreading the next steps. Please Give me patience.

 

 

Good for you... You really should be proud of yourself.

 

Keep up the good work and let up know how you are doing...

[smi11ie]

It might be best for you to be single and just have **** buddies. You could also look for someone who is into open relationships. I think you are feeling anxiety because of the secrets....it's stressful. I honestly do not know how people put up with the stress of an affair. Try get yourself out of situation where you are lying. There is nothing wrong with you. It would be better if you develop a situation where you can be open to express your true self. I think this would make you feel more happy.

[Hotmammabear]

It might be best for you to be single and just have **** buddies. You could also look for someone who is into open relationships. I think you are feeling anxiety because of the secrets....it's stressful. I honestly do not know how people put up with the stress of an affair. Try get yourself out of situation where you are lying. There is nothing wrong with you. It would be better if you develop a situation where you can be open to express your true self. I think this would make you feel more happy.

This was my first thought honestly. It doesn't feel right though, but I guess part of that comes from years of thinking my feelings and my desires were so wrong. It's just that I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old. I feel guilty for them mostly. I want to do better for them.

[SweetiePi]

Hi Hotmammabear

 

 

First, sorry to hear about your CSA. I've been through the same, but reacted different. I fear men and rarely develop a close enough friendship to be able to have sex with a man. Even when I grow close to a man I always have some fear and a tendency to withdraw. I think it is pretty normal for victims of CSA to have a high sex drive. It is also common to be attracted to men much older than yourself.

 

 

I am happy you will seek a therapist. You don't necessarily have to go on medication again, but if you have a good therapist be open to it. It can make a world of difference being on the correct medication. Medications also don't have to be life long, but be used temporarily till you are able to adjust with therapy. I was very reluctant also to go on antidepressants as Effexor had made me feel like a zombie the way you had that experience too. I couldn't feel any sadness nor joy. That therapist told me that is how normal people feel. pfft. I told her if that is how normal people feel, I don't want to be normal. I got off the med and found a better therapist. I hope you are able to find a good therapist that you can talk things out with and will help guide you through this.

 

 

As far as your boyfriend goes, he doesn't sound very compassionate nor understanding. NO ONE needs you to justify why you are in therapy. Most of us can benefit by being in therapy regardless of the magnitude of our problems. If you are uncomfortable saying why, just simply tell him you are struggling right now and you need a professional to help you work out some things. If you become a healthier person through changes, you will end up being better for yourself and others around you (you children and even him). If he cannot accept that, then he has issues. Mental illness is real, but with the proper therapy you can learn some coping methods that are healthy. I recommend Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) as I've had a lot of success with this, but has taken years to learn (am still learning).

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK I have no idea where you got the idea that I'm doing any guy that dangles a shiny thing my face this is the first time I've ever cheated or ever had an inkling to cheat. Yes I've thought about what it would be like to sleep with people but I don't want to.

But I do agree with the rest and I'm sure his reaction would be the same if I said I cheated with one person, as it would if I said I cheated with a few or more people.

I guess it's obvious that I'm avoiding the subject of telling him. There are meany reasons for this. But #1 comes with the fact that when I tell him I can't just tell him I cheated. I'm going to have to tell him I was molested. And I and I know it will sound like an excuse but if I don't say it and decide to tell him about that later then it will look like I made the molestation thing to get him back to save things or to justify it either way. I want to tell him about the molestation first. And I need to soon because I'm going to be going to therapy and he will want to know why.

My biggest fear either way is just that he will not sympathize with the molestation even if he didn't know about the cheating

I really do care about his feelings and what he thinks of me I know it doesn't seem like it and I'm not showing that by my actions. He was my friend way before we were dating.

[SweetiePi]

You are an adult and can freely choose what you feel is best for you. Some people don't thrive in monogamous relationships. If you want to have an open relationship or be single and free to have sex with who you want, just be careful. Be mindful of STDs and don't expose your children to it - don't bring men home and make sure to no put time with men before time with your children. It is good you are thinking of your children and their safety.

 

 

This was my first thought honestly. It doesn't feel right though, but I guess part of that comes from years of thinking my feelings and my desires were so wrong. It's just that I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old. I feel guilty for them mostly. I want to do better for them.