She broke up with me less than a month after I met her extended family

[Nogan]

I dated this girl for 3.5 months. It started slow and felt like it was developing organically. We were officially a thing after a month of knowing each other, and then she just kind of went balls to the wall.

 

Gushy lovey dovey notes. Constant texting. She'd text me every morning when she woke up and every night before she went to bed that she missed me. She kept my Christmas card displayed on her nightstand. She stayed an entire weekend snowed in with me and missed me so much after the fact that she randomly showed up on my doorstep the following day just so she could spend an hour with me before work and bring me soup. Posted me all over her facebook wall.

 

I met her parents. They loved me. I met some friends. They loved me. I got two separate Valentine's Day cards from her that were filled to the brim with commentary about how special I was to her and how thankful she was that we were together.

 

Shortly afterward, she wheeled me out to meet her grandparents and extended family. They loved me too. Her dad introduced me in front of the crowd of people, including her dying grandmother, as her boyfriend. All the old ladies chirped about how cute I was, she joked about with me later.

 

A few weeks later, her grandmother died. She left for a week to deal with family and just kind of distanced. Less frequent texting. Felt out of the loop. Wondered if she still thought of me as her boyfriend. But I figured she just needed space.

 

Well she got back and sat me down at a table. She said she had rushed into our relationship too fast, that I was a "great guy", but that she didn't have feelings for me and didn't want to drag it out hoping that it would start feeling right.

 

I was completely blindsided. I've never felt so comfortable in a relationship. I've never had a girl treat me so well. I thought what had happened to my friends in long term relationships was finally happening to me. I mean, how else could I have interpreted her behavior? Everyone I've talked to is just as confused as I am.

 

She told me that she's had 8 boyfriends before me. She's dumped all of them after a period of around 8 months. Says she's never been in love before. Girl is 25. I can't tell if this is some strange fear of commitment or just someone who's so bizarre that they don't know how to navigate relationships.

 

It just feels like something out of high school. It's crazy. And I'm ****ing devastated. Her parents are sad. It's so weird. And she told it to me plain as day like we were having any old conversation. She didn't even understand how I could be so confused or upset.

 

It's been a week. I've asked her to come out and see me for closure. Not sure how that'll go or if I should even drag myself back through that. It's just. So. STRANGE

 

And the ****ing dumbest thing is that I just feel so wrong and intense after the fact. I was completely at ease with her while we were dating. Nobody was clingy. Nobody was pushy. Nobody was overbearing. We were just two people enjoying each other's company. But now I feel like I'm dying because I was falling in love with this girl and it was ripped away from me in the most bizarre fashion. And I feel stupid for caring because it was short, but it's like it was short in retrospect, because it felt like it was going to go a long time.

Edited March 16, 2017 by Nogan
extra info

[Purepony]

Really strange I'm sorry you're going through this and I don't even have an input or any information because I've never been in a situation like this where family gets that involved

[preraph]

You guys moved too fast. This happens when you're young and in love with love, and you can have some great memories from it, but it simply doesn't always last when reality sets in. I'm sorry.

[Nogan]

You guys moved too fast. This happens when you're young and in love with love, and you can have some great memories from it, but it simply doesn't always last when reality sets in. I'm sorry.

I don't equate 27 and 25 as being "young and in love". I'd think we'd have both had enough relationship experience by now to, you know, not rush into anything like that. And generally not to such an extreme extent. I mean, I've had sexual flings that burn out once you try to fill in the gaps, but never anything that lasted longer than a month or two.

 

But she was leading the charge, so what do I know. I took her actions at face value and got hurt for it.

[Titanll]

Not to steal your thunder but something similar happened to me. Nothing from your post sounds like you are "too young" or rushed into anything...that's silly. You took her actions at face value and there were probably no red flags...until there were red flags!

 

I met the family, was introduced as boyfriend, spent tons of time together. Things seemed fine. One morning, as I was cooking breakfast, she basically said that she didn't feel anything for me, or was it the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" garbage. I thought she was joking...she wasn't haha!

 

She said that it had happened to her before where she felt in love and then the feelings just stopped. I told her that she may want to disclose that little tidbit of info earlier in her next relationship.

 

I recovered, of course, and I heard through mutual friends that she had been basically bouncing from relationship to relationship.

 

I was in my mid thirties at the time and there was no rushing into this relationship. That is why things like this are so insidious...it completely blindsides you.

 

Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

I suspect her grandmother's death affected her in more profound ways then either of you understand. The death of someone close often makes people re-evaluate their own lives.

 

 

If I'm wrong, she's a flake & you dodged a bullet.

 

 

Meeting the family early is no guarantee of happily ever after. Sorry.

[airborne3502]

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you Nogan.

 

I can relate because I've just been through a very similar situation myself.

 

Dead grandmother and all.

 

I'd met her family a few times, hung out with her sister and brother-in-law, sang in church, painted her apartment with her. Enjoyed an intense sexual connection.

 

I can relate to this:

 

We were officially a thing after a month of knowing each other, and then she just kind of went balls to the wall.

 

and this:

 

how thankful she was that we were together.

 

and this..

 

I've never had a girl treat me so well. I thought what had happened to my friends in long term relationships was finally happening to me. I mean, how else could I have interpreted her behavior? Everyone I've talked to is just as confused as I am.

 

and this..

 

But now I feel like I'm dying because I was falling in love with this girl and it was ripped away from me in the most bizarre fashion. And I feel stupid for caring because it was short, but it's like it was short in retrospect, because it felt like it was going to go a long time.

 

 

The only difference was that mine wasn't withdrawing. We had an argument (our first) and that was that.

 

I was left scratching my head same as you, and the fallout sucks. I even researched people with on/off switches trying to make some sense of it all.

 

It won't make sense. Not now, not ever.

 

Nothing she says to you will ease your pain, because it's not going to be "I'm sorry , take me back." The only good to come from it will be the finality that allows you to move forward with your life.

 

You were not emotionally prepared to be blindsided like that, and took tremendous damage really fast. Be kind to yourself during this fragile time, and keep moving forward one step at a time - until you get some distance from this terrible experience.

[Nogan]

So I met up with her. Said my piece. Got some clarity. Then I kissed her.

 

Sounds like this girl likes me just fine but is worried that I'm not the one or whatever the **** you want to call it. I told her to stop worrying so much and that if she enjoyed my company and thought I was attractive, she should just come out and enjoy herself and stop putting so much pressure on whether or not things mean forever. I took the grandparents and other stuff she did as a lack of experience with knowing how to appropriately navigate new relationships.

 

So I may or may not be seeing her in the future on a more casual basis. Which I'm fine with, as there's less pressure for things to feel "real" if there's less to worry about. And that might enable us to actually be open with each other for once, which I think we were lacking.

 

Regardless, I feel like I'm in a better place with this now.

[ExpatInItaly]

The red flag was that she's had a string of relationships that all burned out after a few months.

 

It sounds to me like she chases the thrill and lust of the early stages, then gets bored when things start to become more serious and settle in. So she looks for the nearest exit. Based on your description, she has some maturing to do. Yes, she's in her 20s but she sounds mentally younger than that.

 

For your own benefit, I would not see her on a casual basis. It will hurt you too much.

[AT15]

...lots of push/pull going on. Don't get involved

[ty10]

The red flag was that she's had a string of relationships that all burned out after a few months.

 

It sounds to me like she chases the thrill and lust of the early stages, then gets bored when things start to become more serious and settle in. So she looks for the nearest exit. Based on your description, she has some maturing to do. Yes, she's in her 20s but she sounds mentally younger than that.

 

For your own benefit, I would not see her on a casual basis. It will hurt you too much.

 

OP - This.

 

Happened to me. Knew her for 6 months official for a month shy of that. Both met the parents and friends etc. She even said she saw us having a future and all that. Not long after she doesn't have time for a relationship, somethings changed blah blah blah. Heard she was seeing someone a fortnight later.

 

Took me a while to peace things together but someone older and wiser said what Expat put above. Sounds like this girl lacks maturity and doesn't get the relationships evolve. Maturity is definitely one quality I now look for in a woman because there's nothing worse than being burned out of the blue.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Happened to me recently aswell... which is why I am here. Except its the other way round. Met all his family, actually met the extended family about two weeks before he broke up with me... he took me for a meal with them. He would tell me how much they all loved me.

 

Imo, it might be a bad idea to carry on casually atm. If I were you, i'd disappear and go NC. Something has changed for her, something has made her feelings change. The only way for this to be fixed (if ever)... I think there needs to be a long break of like 6 months+ for her to decide if you are actually in fact for her. She has told you that for now, you are not. With time and space, she will either miss you and realise what shes lost, or she won't. Simple as. Do not settle for anything less than you want. You don't really want a 'casual' thing with her do you right? My ex wanted to stay in touch... I said no, its all or nothing.

 

NC is what I'm doing atm. I don't have a lot of hope, and I wouldn't turn down any offers waiting for him, I haven't spoke to him for a month. I don't have a clue how he feels or what he thinks or even he even has someone else (don't want to know that)... but I'm guessing whatever its not in my favour, he isn't trying to be in touch. Its one of the most difficult things I've had to go through in my life so far, everyday is a struggle. I'm sorry this has happened to you OP, but there are others in the exact same boat. Hopefully it will get better for us one day.

[hunk]

She's not into you at the moment dude, however this could be salvageable. You need to ghost and kick her to the curb because at the moment you guys aren't on the right wavelength. She knows you're very into her, and she's also aware that you know she isn't that into you, and yet you're still pursuing her and trying to reason with her as to why she "should" be into you. This is disgusting to her. Trying to use logical explanations about why she should see you is going to turn her off more than you'd ever know. She probably wants to feel it with you but you're not creating the conditions that will allow her to. She needs to desire you and right now she doesn't, whatsoever.

 

Go into no contact and wait for any meaningful contact from her, and then from that moment on it is completely up to her to be pushing for commitment from you and chasing you, not the other way around. Focus on having sex with her and creating attraction through scarcity and not being so available and clear with your feelings towards her. You're behaving like the woman. Her past 8 relationships were probably all exactly the same and that's why she's never been able to "feel it". She is looking for a man.

 

If you don't hear from her, and i mean meaningful contact, do not contact her ever again because you have your answer.

[allybaba789]

Unfortunately some people have lots of short, relatively uncommitted relationships as they have a strong fear of commitment. I've been with someone like this, it's horrible. I read something somewhere recently I'm going to share with you, not word for word but this is the message:

 

If you feel confused, lost, full of unanswered questions, betrayed etc. after a break-up, you were in a toxic relationship. A normal relationship consists of two individuals who want the same thing (a healthy, happy relationship) and when these relationships end, both people know where they stand, they understand the clear reasons for the break-up, and they will of course feel sad but not in the same way as a toxic break-up due to the clarity and closure.

 

I felt confused, lost etc. after my break-up because it wasn't a normal relationship. Your relatioship on the surface seemed normal, but it's not normal to say you are so happy with someone and then leave them a few weeks later (this is also what happened with me). There could be a number of reasons: fear of commitment, emotional on-off button, her grandparents death could have affected her more than you realise, grass is greener syndrome etc.

 

I think it's important to avoid these toxic people but I'm not sure it's practial. It's hard to spot the signs. I would say one of them is moving too quickly, combined with very half-hearted discussions of the future (they will probably appear as though they see you in their future but they don't commit to that, in my experience anyway). The only advice I know I am going to stick to is to take it slow in the beginning. I'm not going to fully trust anyone until I've been with them a year.

 

Looking back you may start to see more signs. In my situation, I had no action signs (no flaking, made lots of effort with me), but I had some signs in words (i.e. talking about our wedding but not saying anything like "you're the type of girl I want to marry"). All I can advise is for you to stay strong and focus on making yourself happy again xxx

[Nogan]

I dunno, I came off well. Basically, girl was infatuated with the new relationship. She goes hard into each relationship almost like she's trying to force something to happen. She backs off when things get cozy, probably because she interprets that as a bad sign. You know, rather than just relaxing and enjoying herself and seeing what develops.

 

Found out the switch happened after meeting her grandparents. It happened while she was gone for the week with her family. I asked if she had been sincere when she had said she missed me and wished I was there. She said she had been, but it felt like we had nothing to talk about the week she was gone and were just asking each other about our day. To which I replied that we weren't always going to have **** to talk about and that I had been giving her space to cope.

 

Told her that if she found me attractive, enjoyed my company, and missed me, she should just come out and have a good time and to stop worrying so damn much about how anything is "supposed" to feel.

 

And then we made out a little bit twice and went our separate ways.

 

I think she's just dumb and immature, despite her age. She opened up and told me the only time she's felt emotionally connected to a guy was after she had dumped him years before and they became friends later. Which says to me that she doesn't know how to navigate relationships and give them room to breathe.

[allybaba789]

she should just come out and have a good time and to stop worrying so damn much about how anything is "supposed" to feel.

 

My ex was exactly like this. Always craving some higher feeling.

 

In my situation, I felt very strongly for him so I concluded he didn't feel the same. I decided that he liked me, but didn't see me as a potential love of his life and he was annoyed at himself for not feeling more because he knew I was a 'good girl' and ticked a lot of his boxes etc.

 

I don't know if your situation is similar, but people don't tend to leave people they are really happy with and feel strongly about. Feelings change and some people change like the weather.

[Nogan]

Just thought I'd post a followup.

 

I sent her flowers (just as a friendly gesture) and a letter last week. I'd been rewatching Parks and Rec and saw some parallels with our relationship, and came to realization about how guarded we had been around each other. We never really opened up. I was so afraid of her not liking me, that I avoided talking about my dubious past because I didn't want to expose something she wouldn't like about me.

 

The result was that we never really emotionally bonded or got to know each other super closely. And it was probably partially responsible for why she felt there was a lack of passion involved. Hearing her talk about the only guy she's ever had feelings for was maybe the first time I ever really got to know her as a person. So I basically explained that in the letter and said that I was sad but that I was alright.

 

I also realized some other things. I don't think anyone who invests themselves in another person the way she did with me or invests that person in their own life happens by accident. She was spending all of her time with me when she wasn't at work or taking care of her grandmother. As I've been there before, I know exactly how exhausting that is. And that wound up killing my relationship at the time because I started resenting the other person subconsciously. Little things became big things and I felt trapped and wanted to run. What I'm saying is that I think part of what happened is that she projected her misgivings onto me and associated that as a problem with our relationship, because it wasn't making her happy. When that probably wasn't a problem with the relationship, but with her.

 

I think everything she's told me since and her means of rationalizing whatever guilt she feels has just been a means of distancing herself.

 

She responded to my letter and told me that she appreciated it and thought that I was right. I tried using that as a platform to get her to relax and to just come out and have a good time with me. My rationale being that there didn't need to be a reason or a point, and that it was as simple as just wanting to see me if she missed me like I missed her. She seemed on the fence, told me that she missed me, but told me that she felt pressured and that she felt like it needed to be something she pushed for.

 

So I've gone NC. I took up some new hobbies and charities last week to branch out and invest myself in myself. Muay Thai and BJJ in particular. I'm sad, but I'm doing better. If she comes back, she comes back. If she doesn't, that's all there is to it. I think she's made a mistake, but it's not my place nor is it in my ability to convince her of that.

 

Thank you all for being so supportive.

Edited March 28, 2017 by Nogan

[frigginlost]

She sounds as if she may be Borderline. Please search out the username "Downtown" and read his threads. Him and I both have been in relationships with confirmed Borderline women.

 

Best to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Keep going with your new hobbies and interests, OP.

 

You sound like you have a big heart and gave it an honest try.

[Nogan]

New update:

 

Ex and her family have been sponsoring a charity for the illness that took her grandmother. It's been a long time coming, i.e, I knew about it the entire duration we dated. Something on a show I was watching reminded me of it, and, well, I'd been dealing with some negative feelings about her and decided to turn those into something positive. So I donated. Anonymously.

 

By anonymously, I mean there was a field for donor name and I put "anonymous". It wasn't supposed to be a means of communication or reaching out, I had just bonded enough with the family that I care about them and I certainly still care about her. It was something I did for a good cause and because it gave me some positive vibes in return.

 

Well, I guess whatever charity application they were using passed the name on my billing info along to her dad. He told her. I unexpectedly got a text from her the next morning thanking me for my donation.

 

I hadn't talked to her in weeks. I didn't want to open a line of dialogue which I knew was just going to hurt me. But it was hard to let go after the opportunity presented itself. I waited until the end of work, and then sent a short and polite message that said I had put my name down as anonymous, but that I appreciated the text. She responded immediately, asking me how I was doing.

 

I punted at first and responded with a sentence. Got out of the gym an hour later and, on an endorphin high, felt bad. Then I made a poor decision. Keeping my initial response short had been to protect myself, but it wasn't like I didn't want to talk. Remembering how I felt when a previous ex (I had dumped) snubbed me the few times she reached out and I asked how she was, I elaborated. And maybe typed a little more than I should have once I got started.

 

Her response indicated that she had just been trying to be polite and didn't actually care, which pissed me off for multiple reasons. One, my info shouldn't have been passed along. Two, she shouldn't have texted me in the first place. Three, she shouldn't have then broached a conversation she didn't want to have, because how could she possibly think I was doing given the circumstances. Four, you should be able to hold a meaningful conversation with someone you used to care about, and the non-confrontational nature of some people pisses me off.

 

I stewed with it for a couple of hours. Drank a beer. Thought about all the **** I had been holding in. Fumed over the fact that the work I'd put into not talking with her the past month had basically gone to waste. Then stupidly sent her a text, after she'd gone to bed, along the lines of "do you even ****ing care?"

 

And so we fought the next morning. I had calmed down, but I still had **** I wanted to say. She just wanted to forget it and be left alone. Wound up with more questions than before. I had apparently turned into someone else after the breakup. (Well, no ****, people tend to show their worst when they're devastated. Way to show your lack of empathy and experience since you've ended every relationship you've ever had before giving the guy a chance to hurt you instead.)

 

I wound up conveying my biggest frustration about the whole ordeal, the fact that she had broken up with me immediately instead of trying to talk to me like an adult about whatever was bothering her. Which is how relationships are built. Even if it had been unsalvageable, I explained, not being open with me had the only one forgone conclusion. She expressed that we would have broken up anyway, and I responded that while the relationship I had thought we had was dead, she might have been surprised.

 

I explained that trying to get her to come out with me without any expectations was MY attempt at giving her what I thought she needed. That I knew she had been exhausting herself and that I knew she had started to resent me for whatever it was that feeling obligated to me was conflicting with. I wanted her to relax and to see me in a light that wasn't tied to obligations and expectations, and that MAYBE we could actually have a lot of fun together and that she might have just been overreacting. I told her that I had thought it would've been good for her at the time, and still did.

 

And she actually waffled. The conversation turned friendly. I told her that I was moving into my new apartment at the end of the week and that I wanted her to see it. And she expressed interest and now we have tentative plans. I don't really expect much to come from that, nor do I know if it's even happening, but I want to be on good terms with this girl and I feel like this is something I have to explore before I can accept that it's truly dead and buried.

 

I am doing well otherwise, though. I've expanded my social circle and I'm still keeping up with my new hobbies. I've started dating casually again, and so that feels pretty good, too. This was just an unexpected blip in recovery.

[fromheart]

Sounds like she's bi polar with narcissistic tendencies, which is a polite way of saying that she's borderline mad.

 

I've dated a woman who was exactly like this. It turned into push/pull, I'd leave she'd draw me back in, etc. Eventually she went off with another man and dd the same thing to him.

She's now in her 40's and has little hope of settling down and starting a family. She chases the younger men, give it a few more years and they wont be looking her way as much. Middle age will be a lonely affair for her. It was always someone elses fault, she never took responsibility for herself.

 

This is exactly where your ex is going, unless she gets therapy. If you care about her, tell her to get some help. If you care about you, don't date these sort of women! You are again reaching out to her, expecting the results to be different. They will be the same. How many more times will you allow this to happen?

 

You're saying that you're trying to give her what she needed, she needs therapy and self work.

Edited April 19, 2017 by fromheart

[Marc878]

She doesn't care and you for some reason refuse to believe it.