Ask for separation? 24 years...

[Eastcoastguy]

The thing is that I don't worry about this stuff often because usually I'm ok just being with the wife, the kids, having a low grade depression about my life. The problem is that every once in a while I will meet someone - usually at work - and we will just click. Usually it's someone who is very attractive and charismatic. Sometimes it's someone who is 29. Sometimes it's someone who is 43, like now. They will tell me that I should get a divorce. I will think about it. They will want me to. I don't cheat but engage in kind of an emotional affair. My life, my mind will slowly start to unravel, before I snap back and go back to my life.

 

I am a 47. My wife and I have been married for 24 years. We married at 24. We have two young children. Like many couples, we have grown apart over the years... we are so busy and tired all of the time, and now I'm wondering if we should be together anymore. Maybe I should stop this cycle. But I'm afraid to broach the topic as I know it will devastate her.

 

She sleeps with the kids most nights. She is really a wonderful person, and I think she is so amazing. She takes an ssri. And sometimes her depression gets me down.

 

We really don't agree on much, argue often, don't like the same tv shows, movies -- in general, I don't think we are very compatible. But we married young. We have these really supportive families around us. We live in a city. I am a fun person but I'm not that helpful. I leave a lot for her to do. Sometimes I think it's because I'm depressed and I have always been in this marriage to some degree.

 

I don't want to disappoint everyone.

[somanymistakes]

You say you argue a lot - is it just little gripy arguments?

 

If you're mostly happy and getting along okay and enjoy being together but just aren't really "in love" anymore, you're probably better off working on your marriage and seeing if there are ways to increase your happiness with each other.

 

If you really can't stand each other anymore and are largely avoiding each other while taking turns looking after the kids, then separation might be a healthy step to work on gently unentangling your lives while continuing to support each other as best you can.

[Eastcoastguy]

Thanks for the advice. We argue a lot. The kids have asked us to stop. The hard thing is that we don't really do anything together as a couple. My wife is really dedicated to the kids.. as am I. I am all about the kids. I have a therapist who actually seems to think I should take a leap. It's kind of weird. The one thing I didn't mention is that the person I'm attracted to now and have a sort of inappropriately close relationship is my female boss. It's not a great situation.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, don't get involved with your boss and don't leap from a marriage into a workplace relationship, those are both terrible disasters waiting to happen. If you leave your wife you need to take some you-time to be alone and take stock of yourself before pursuing anything else.

 

Does your wife know you're unhappy? It might be worth having a joint counselling session to talk things through together and lay out what the options might be.

 

Definitely many kids would rather have amicably separated parents than constantly fighting ones.

[Eastcoastguy]

Thanks for your advice - really helpful to get others opinions and comments.

 

If anyone else has gone through this type of thing and has anything to share, I'm all ears.

[springy]

Have you communicated your concerns to your wife?

[whichwayisup]

Go to marriage counseling! And in the meantime, get a sitter (grandparents) and take your wife out on a date. or if that isn't in the cards (going out) get the grandparents to take the kids overnight so you and your wife can stay home, have a nice dinner, take a bath and watch a movie alone as husband and wife.

 

She shouldn't be sleeping with the kids every night. That's not good for you, her or them!

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the advice. We argue a lot. The kids have asked us to stop. The hard thing is that we don't really do anything together as a couple. My wife is really dedicated to the kids.. as am I. I am all about the kids. I have a therapist who actually seems to think I should take a leap. It's kind of weird. The one thing I didn't mention is that the person I'm attracted to now and have a sort of inappropriately close relationship is my female boss. It's not a great situation.

 

FORGET your female boss, stop that! All it will do is complicate things and mess you up. It won't help you get close to your wife! If anything you're going to detach more and get more feelings for your boss.

 

How inappropriate? Flirting and talking? or have you two made out? Don't do that anymore. Distance yourself and tell your boss that you need to focus on your wife and kids.

[aileD]

Are you having an affair?

 

get your head on straight and go to marriage counseling. Talk to your wife.

 

The grass is greener where you chose to water it. Think about your family. Stay away from your boss.

[aileD]

Love this song:

 

Then What

(Clay Walker)

 

I got a good friend who's got a good life

He's got two pretty children and a real nice wife

Yet he never seems quite satisfied

I said I know what' s on your mind

But you better think about it before you cross that line

The grass ain't always greener on the other side

 

Then what

What you gonna do?

When the new wears off and the old shines through

And it ain't really love and it ain't really lust

And you ain't anybody anyone's gonna trust

 

Then what

Where you gonna turn

When you can't turn back for the bridges you've burned

And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt

Then what, oh then what

 

I ain't sayin' that lookin's a crime

I've done my share from time to time

It don't mean that you got to take that leap

When you're standin' on the brink

Before you jump you gotta step back and think

There's a price for every promise you don't keep

 

Then what

What you gonna do

When the new wears off and the old shines through

And it ain't really love and it ain't really lust

And you ain't anybody anyone's gonna trust

 

Then what

Where you gonna turn

When you can't turn back for the bridges you've burned

And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt

Then what, oh then what

 

But do what you want do what you wish

It's your life but remember this

There's bound to be some consequences

For sneakin' under certain fences

 

Then what

What you gonna do

When the new wears off and the old shines through

And it ain't really love and it ain't really lust

And you ain't anybody anyone's gonna trust

 

Then what

Where you gonna turn

When you can't turn back for the bridges you've burned

And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt

Then what, oh then what

[Eastcoastguy]

Have you communicated your concerns to your wife?

I brought up my concerns a few months ago. That we were not connecting, that we didn't really like to do the same things, we didn't agree on things very much. She said that she thought I wanted a divorce and that she would be devastated. For the rest of that day she walked around in a haze. The kids wanted to know what was wrong with Mommy. I felt really bad. Things have been hard since then but not terrible.

[Eastcoastguy]

FORGET your female boss, stop that! All it will do is complicate things and mess you up. It won't help you get close to your wife! If anything you're going to detach more and get more feelings for your boss.

 

How inappropriate? Flirting and talking? or have you two made out? Don't do that anymore. Distance yourself and tell your boss that you need to focus on your wife and kids.

On the boss thing. It's a lot of talking. We talk all day and have lunch sometimes. About six months ago, after working together closely for a few months, it became clear we were attracted to each other. After too many drinks one night, we made out. It was a shock to us both. I had never done anything like that. We kissed one other time. But then we backed off - she did - I wanted to continue. I think she came to her senses. She basically said to me she would not mess around with a married man but if I was single it would be different. We still spend a lot of time together - and it's an intense work wife thing, depending on each other, and attached.

[Eastcoastguy]

Are you having an affair?

 

get your head on straight and go to marriage counseling. Talk to your wife.

 

The grass is greener where you chose to water it. Think about your family. Stay away from your boss.

I would not call it an affair. It's an emotional affai and we have kissed. Should I tell my wife about that? Also, that song makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed because it's true. Then again, I'm not a country music fan per see and it sounds kind of overly simplistic? Like is my life that straightforward? Maybe. But it's kind of the perfect song you found there and I'm impressed.

[aileD]

First off--yes. Start calling it an affair because that's what it is. Emotional and the kiss made it physical. Stop deluding yourself. You are connecting with someone whose not your wife and who you admit being attracted to. I am willing to bet you would be uncomfortable if they were ever in the same room. If you can't share your friendship with her with your wife, that's a problem.

 

Second- the song IS simplistic and here's the kicker--- affairs are simplistic too. They may seem messy and chaotic when it's happening to you, but if you look at this forum and do some reading in the infidelity and Other man/woman forums, you will see that they all pretty much follow the same pattern, totally predictable. You're there, that's why we can be sure about the advice we are giving. Sure there are some outliers, but they are the exception. And EVERYONE thinks THEY are the exception. They're not. You aren't.

 

do you want to stay married if you could work on your marriage and get some happiness back? Or are you done? If you are done, then be done and man up and walk away. But don't do it for another person, or out of the selfish desire to get some need met that your wife COULD meet if you just worked on your marriage. Don't be lazy.

 

You have young children. Firstly, divorce is devastating to kids and will change their entire life. Do some google research on that. If your marriage can be healed, then wouldn't you want that for your kids? Second, Do you care if they respect you? Because they will respect you more if you divorce amicably rather than via an affair that no matter what you do to prevent it--they will find out about someday. That is a **** show my husband is living now and trust me you want no part of it.

 

I don't think -by what youve said here- that your marriage doesn't have any problems that aren't common in long term marriages and that aren't unsolvable.

 

You need to have a heart to heart with your wife. Yes you should tell her about the affair. She may forgive, she may walk. That's her decision. But I think that is a healthy fear you should have. If you're afraid of telling her then you're afraid she might divorce you and that says something right there. It's also a possibility that telling her will open her eyes as well and get some motivation inside her to want to work on your marriage too. I don't know her so I can't say for sure.

 

Also, think about your life. You are 47. Do you really want to start over from scratch? You're the one who's going to most likely move out. Lose time with your kids. Lose half your money, retirement and social security? You will start over completely at almost 50. You have young kids. If she remarries, they will have a stepdad rising them in the house and you get a say on weekends and a couple times a week. And trust me once they hit teen years they aren't going to want to spend weekends with you because they'll want to be with their friends.

 

Is all that worth losing for the fixable problems you mentioned here?

 

Water the grass at home first. Give it an honest effort in therapy, church, marriage retreats, etc.

Edited March 18, 2017 by aileD
Fat fingers

[aileD]

Also if you are religious there are other options for Christian therapy

[Aloneuk]

I totally understand your situation. I'm in something similar. Never been particularly fulfilled in my marriage with my H but thought it was enough for me. Until I started connecting with a guy at work (also my senior) and BAM it's like I was living in black and white before and now everything is colour. We got on so well and so much more deeply than what I have with my H. But I guess I've learnt from my situation that you can't compare the 2. It's not fair. My interactions with my work colleague were also fuelled by the fact that it's secret and we're both with other people. How can it be fair to compare a long term steady relationship with a brand new intense connection where you really only have seen the best bits of that person?

 

My suggestion for you is to cut non essential contact with your boss and figure out what you want. See if you can fix things with your wife without the influence of your EA partner. Give yourself some time, maybe 3 or 6 months, where you recommit to your marriage with no contact with boss and see if you can get that spark back.

 

If things don't work out, you will feel much better walking away knowing hand on heart you put your all into the marriage and really tried before leaving. If they do work out, maybe your interaction with your boss was meant as a catalyst for you to fix your M.

 

If you leave your W to enter into a relationship with your boss without trying to fix things first, you will always wonder what if? It also means that your relationship with your boss is starting on rocky ground and she will never fully trust you. She will wonder if you will do the same to her when she is the established partner.

 

Hope this helps.

[OnHold]

I'm in almost the exact same boat as you are...except I already took the step you are contemplating. So..I am an emotional wreck. Not all the time, but enough that I had to seek the support of a counselor and to confide in one friend I knew I could trust not to judge me.

My advice to you right now since you're only just thinking about asking for a separation....tell your wife you're thinking about it. Start a dialogue about the possibility of the two of you divorcing/separating and go from there.

In 2 weeks I'm moving out of the house and I'm really scared. Part of me thinks I will like my new life, part of me is thinking that this might be a way to heal my marriage, but mostly I just don't know what to expect and it is scary as ****.

I definitely think you need to tell your wife what you're thinking about because you can't make this decision solely on your feelings and on the feelings you have for the other woman that you're attracted to.

I've been married for 18 years and with my H as a couple for 26 years. And you know what? I WISH I could have just been happy in my marriage. The man that I became involved with in an emotional affair (like yours) seems to be the PERFECT guy for me. He's hoping and praying we end up together while I'm trying to sort through all kinds of guilt, anxiety, hope, and fear, when sometimes I just wish I could talk it out with my H.

Anyway, I hope this helps you in some way. I just joined this forum today and I'm hoping that it provides another resource for helping me through this. AFterall, I have a 10 year old daughter that needs me to be healthy and happy so I can take care of her.