My husband cheated on me

[aphydiniega]

So here's the story.. my husband is in the military and he was stationed in korea without me.. he was talking to this girl from the philippines 6 months before he comes back to states , he went home to the Philippines and celebrated xmas, his bday, and new year over there.. i was okay with it but not knowing he went to see the girl.

 

After his vacation he went back to philippines on February and spent Valentine's day there. And again not knowing he spent it with the other girl. After that vacation he came back to US and after 2 days of him not showing any romance or sweetness i started to asks him questions (i was expecting him to miss me atleast, but i guess he didn't) i decided to use his phone to open my facebook account but then i saw his secret account containing all the surprises and pictures with the other girl. I was so shocked and just cried.

 

After this incident I decided to move with him in texas and leave my school and family in California . I told him i am willing to give him another chance and forget whatever happened. The thing is , he's not doing anything to fix our relationship, instead I am the one doing everything.. he still talks to that girl right infront of me. He told me the meanest words every day.. (he doesnt need me, to get out of his life, that we're only married in paper, that he loves the other girl and not me and more) he keeps pushing me away but here i am, loving him still and can't let go of him.

 

He wants divorce just so he can go back to the other girl and maybe marry her. ? If i leave him will he even miss me? Well infact he doesnt even feel sorry about what happened.. idk i feel like dying from the inside.. our dreams together were all ****ed up. We're living together but he feels like living in hell because i'm here.

 

It hurts so bad but i just can't leave him alone.. he told me has some problems that I don't know .. we've been together for 6 years and this is our very first issue about a girl.. what should i do? He even hates it when i tell my problems to her sister but i'm so depressed and i just can't keep it to myself especially it's just the two of us in texas and i'm alone in the house when he goes to work. Please any advice? Thank you

Edited March 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to infidelity

[Zahara]

You already know what you need to do. Stop clinging to his leg. Let him go. Set yourself free to be with someone in the future who will love you. He isn't invested in you anymore and wants to move on. Give him what he wants and go back to your family to start over. When someone wants to walk away, let them.

[KimJ1234]

I'm sorry, he sounds like he's checked out. You need to hold your head up high and leave.

 

There's no chance at all of saving this marriage if he keeps in contact. He needs to be 100% remoreseful and at this point he just doesn't care.

Don't do this to yourself.

 

Show him that you'll be better off without him and leave. Maybe he'll snap out of it or maybe he won't. It's not up to you to fix it though.

I'm sure he can smell the desperation and it's not good. Stand up for yourself.

 

Take care

[somanymistakes]

After this incident I decided to move with him in texas and leave my school and family in California . I told him i am willing to give him another chance and forget whatever happened. The thing is , he's not doing anything to fix our relationship, instead I am the one doing everything..

 

Why should he? You've shown him that there are no consequences for his actions - that he can treat you as badly as he likes and not only will you not punish him, you'll give him even more.

 

he still talks to that girl right infront of me. He told me the meanest words every day.. (he doesnt need me, to get out of his life, that we're only married in paper, that he loves the other girl and not me and more) he keeps pushing me away but here i am, loving him still and can't let go of him.

 

Clinging harder is never going to change his mind, it will only make him see you as weak.

 

Never reward someone for mistreating you.

 

He has mistreated you and is continuing to do so. You have to be firm with him - and to recognise the possibility that this may not be fixable. The marriage can't be fixed unless he is willing to help fix it, and while there are things you can do that might make that more likely, you can never 100% make him do it. You have to be willing to leave in order to be able to enforce consequences on him for his behavior.

[aileD]

Hon, it's over. I'm sorry. He obviously doesn't care and you being needy and clingy isn't helping.

 

Divorce his ass and forget about him. Don't cry another tear

[NTV]

Journaling helped me the most when my wife cheated.

[mightycpa]

Help him pack, empty the bank account and file for one one of those 60 day divorces in Texas. You can do it online.

 

Then call up the in-laws, say goodbye and leave for California.

[oldshirt]

This is just like a death and it should be treated as such.

 

When someone you love dies, it causes pain, sadness and an end to the future with them.

 

But they are dead and gone and there is nothing to do but grieve the loss, have a funeral, go through your grief stages and the carry on with your life and eventually your life becomes joyful and fulfilling again even though they are gone.

 

This is a death. It is the death of your marriage and the death of the future you thought you were going to have.

 

But he is gone and your marriage is over and there is nothing you can do about it other than grieve it's loss, bury it and then move on with your own life.

 

You will be sad, angry, disgusted, disappointed and a whole host of other emotions for awhile, but you will recover and life will go on.

 

With his horrific treatment and disregard for you, he obviously is not a good person and was not a good choice in a mate to begin with. You had to of sparkled over a lot of his bad characteristics and chose to ignore a million warning signs to be with him in the first place, so consider yourself lucky for the opportunity to get rid of him and move on with your own life.

 

Pack your stuff and move out immediately and get everything you can out of the divorce and then work on fixing your picker and move on with your own life.

[harrybrown]

Ouch! This is a horrible way to be treated.

 

So sorry for you pain.

 

hope you can see a counselor and an attorney.

 

I did help my son get a D from his wife after he found her sitting on the lap of a co-worker.

 

You can find forms online, but an attorney is a great idea to make sure you get a D.

 

Nothing to save, so sorry. did you ask him if it is okay for you to have a boyfriend?

[aphydiniega]

Should i just leave for now without divorcing him and give him the time to think alone without communication? Or should i just divorce him and just leave everything behind? It's just that I don't want to regret anything when i happen to file the divorce.. is it right for me to give him time for now to think?

[mightycpa]

Should i just leave for now without divorcing him and give him the time to think alone without communication? Or should i just divorce him and just leave everything behind? It's just that I don't want to regret anything when i happen to file the divorce.. is it right for me to give him time for now to think?

If the simple act of filing for divorce doesn't phase him, you don't want to keep him under any circumstances.

[mightycpa]

Ouch! This is a horrible way to be treated.

 

So sorry for you pain.

 

hope you can see a counselor and an attorney.

 

I did help my son get a D from his wife after he found her sitting on the lap of a co-worker.

 

You can find forms online, but an attorney is a great idea to make sure you get a D.

 

Nothing to save, so sorry. did you ask him if it is okay for you to have a boyfriend?

Wow, that's pretty harsh for a simple case of lap-sitting. Were they naked or something? Or did it lead to disclosure? I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I guess the lesson here is that people get divorced for a lot less than what OP's man did.

[aileD]

Leave, File, don't talk to him. It can stall from there if you need time but you have to protect yourself and your assets NOW

[BTDT2012]

After this incident I decided to move with him in texas and leave my school and family in California . I told him i am willing to give him another chance and forget whatever happened.

 

This is the absolute worst thing to tell a cheater. Do you have children or shared assets? If not, just pack your stuff and go back to your family. And you may also want to notify his chain of command.

[aphydiniega]

I know i looked so pathetic right now but it isnt easy for me at this time to decide . I don't have anybody to talk to.. I can't even talk to my family because I don't want them to worry about me . I don't even understand myself why am i still stying after all the things he did to me.. we do have assets. I have all our savings. We dont have kids . And if i report him to his command what will happen to him? I don't want to destroy his life or carreer .. but if i do it is it worth it?

[BluesPower]

Baby, he is gone. Long gone. I am sorry and I really understand how much it hurts.

 

You feel like your whole life just blew up and as far as you know, you did nothing wrong.

 

Now, you have to pick yourself up, dust off and figure out what to do. The first thing you need to do is withdraw half of your savings. It is half yours. Are there any other substantial assets that you have to worry about?

 

If your check, if you are working, goes into a joint account, you need to stop that and open your own account in just your name.

 

I don't know if I would report him to command yet, but is he gives you any trouble about the divorce and a fair settlement then I would.

 

And if you need to talk, talk to us. A lot have been through it.

 

Right now you are in shock, but you need to start making moves toward the divorce and decide where you want to live.

 

I live in Texas and the job market and general living conditions are way better than a lot of other states.

 

Start making a list of what you need to do.

 

And keep posting...

[BTDT2012]

I know i looked so pathetic right now but it isnt easy for me at this time to decide . I don't have anybody to talk to.. I can't even talk to my family because I don't want them to worry about me . I don't even understand myself why am i still stying after all the things he did to me.. we do have assets. I have all our savings. We dont have kids . And if i report him to his command what will happen to him? I don't want to destroy his life or carreer .. but if i do it is it worth it?

Adultery is a crime under the UCMJ. He could be jailed, he could lose rank. This is a tough situation. Can you go back to your family? Return to school? You may want to talk one of the chaplains. Your job now is to love yourself. How long have you been married?

[oldshirt]

Should i just leave for now without divorcing him and give him the time to think alone without communication? Or should i just divorce him and just leave everything behind? It's just that I don't want to regret anything when i happen to file the divorce.. is it right for me to give him time for now to think?

 

What on earth is he going to think about?? - how much he enjoys hooking up with the other woman? - how much he wants to hook up with other women?

- how he can hurt you and mistreat you even worse? What could a man like this think about that would be of any benefit to you???

 

And I think we can all guarantee you that the only regret you will experience, is if you remain around him so he can wipe his feet on you more.

[oldshirt]

I don't have anybody to talk to.. I can't even talk to my family because I don't want them to worry about me QUOTE]

 

They know what kind of man he is and they have been worrying about you all along and have been waiting for the day that you have had enough.

 

They have been hoping for the day you come to your senses and leave him for a long long time and they will bend over backwards and crawl through broken glass and rusty thumb tacks to help you get away from him and start a new life without him.

 

Reach out and let them help you.

[oldshirt]

. And if i report him to his command what will happen to him? I don't want to destroy his life or carreer .. but if i do it is it worth it?

 

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

 

None of that is your concern. your primary focus needs to be to get away from him as soon and efficiently as possible and move on with your own life.

 

Whatever happens to him from there is not your concern. He made this bed of filth, he can sleep in it.

[Joie]

You can't save a marriage if one person is already gone and he is long gone. Don't feel bad about filing or leaving. He has already left. It is just a shadow of him haunting your life.

[Mr Blunt]

Aphydiniega,

Stop allowing yourself to be treated like door mat; it is very damaging to your emotional health. You have no chance of him changing as long as you are not standing up for yourself. He has to feel a LOT of his consequences to have a chance at changing.

 

You must prepare yourself for having a life without him. You have to get tough and help yourself get stronger and not walked on like you are being walked on now.

 

There is no soft way to put it. You have to look out for only yourself right now and do not remain co-dependent as you have been.

You will suffer by making the break but you can get a LOT better. To remain in your situation will destroy you!

[aphydiniega]

Thank you so much for all your concerns.. i've decided to leave him and just divorce him later on when i can and moved on.. i decided to go back to my family and start a new life without him after transferring all our bills to his name so that he'll worry that part and not me .. lol .. i think i came to my senses that he's already gone. Thank you so much.. i'm still in a great shock but after him telling me how good is his other girl in bed and getting her pregnant, that i'm ugly and really didn't like or love me from the start is my wake up call i guess. Well this is life .. i just hope i can recover as soon as possible .. and also, i even sacrificed my school just to come with him here in texas . I got 3 w's now and really dont know how to start again

Edited March 17, 2017 by aphydiniega

[QuietDan]

Are you a Christian? If so, you can seek help with a pastor. There is a movie called "Fire Proof" that is both good/entertaining and helpful. There are something that sometimes that one person can do that might be able to eventually save a marriage that is even in this kind of state of existence. It is never easy. I feel for you, and empathise for you. I wish and hope the best for you. The only thing you can do is to change yourself and what you are doing and how you are reacting. If you change what ypu are doing and how you are reacting, he will be faces with different responces and will in turn have to respond differently. Which in turn will usually requir the pther person to reevaluate the current situation and current state of the relationship and get them rethink what they are foinh and why they are doing it. There are many wayward spouses who loose there way. Eventually come to their senses and deeply regret the pain and harm they cause thier loyal spouses. There is reason to hope even in tough situations like yours. However it can be lonely. At least you found this community of people. Many have been or seen any and all sides of all sorts of situations. So, you do not have to be alone in this.

[FoundLove]

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

 

Get all your finances in order and move back to your family as soon as possible so that your own healing can begin. He most probably won't expect you to do this, so he's in for a surprise.

 

Other people on here would tell you to file for divorce and have him served with the papers. That would most definitely show him you are not putting up with his abuse any longer and you don't want to be with him any more.

 

Please take care of yourself. You deserve so much better than this!