How to recover from toxic relationship?

[ML Hammer95]

I know I have done the right thing in ending all contact with this girl, but sometimes it can be a struggle. The past year a few months have seen constant drama, arguments, struggles amongst all the good things as well. I worry I have been codependent and we have both emotionally abused each other. To go from all that to nothing takes getting used to and I was wondering how exactly to cope?

 

I try and fill my time with work at university (she is back at home), societies and sports and going out but there still feels a void there. I want to understand why I stuck with this behaviour for so long, why we kept going back to each other. Why she would say I have abused her heart when she is emotionally unstable. During our time together she threatened to kill herself if I left, made an actual suicide attempt in response to me hanging out with a friend (and I was blamed) and other worrying behaviour. But I cannot claim I acted perfectly - I got sucked in by this crazy behaviour and we both had spells of neediness, jealousy, possessiveness and emotion (on different scales of course). I often felt I could do no right and both have claimed to feel trapped. Despite this, it was clear we had deep feelings for each other.

 

Even when I tried to distance myself, she would pop up every few days seeming nice and interested until I told her to stop (I was very drunk and cannot remember doing it) saying everytime I started talking to her again she would 'fall for it'.

 

The question is what do I need to do? I stress I don't want her back but I need help to understand and make sense of what has gone on. What was wrong and how I can improve myself.

 

Any advice is greatly received and I will try and answer any questions! Thank You

[Telemachus]

The future is important because you're going to spend the rest of your life there.

 

The void in your life involves the past, and you spend too much time thinking about it. The more you think about today and tomorrow, the less value living in yesterday will have for you.

 

Deep feelings aren't enough. There were too few postive actions and too many negative actions. Become the responsible agent for acting rightly beginning right this moment, and none of that past nonsense and messiness matters.

 

It isn't as if you can't move on separately because you together brought a child into this messy world.

 

Put and leave the past where it belongs - in the past.

[preraph]

It's hard not to get sucked into someone who thrives on drama. Do learn what you can from this. Recognize early red flags. Sit down and list what you noticed that you ignored. Make a list of that and make a list of boundaries you require. Learn from it. Get a firm plan in your head about what turns into trouble and what you want from a relationship and don't accept less!

[ML Hammer95]

The future is important because you're going to spend the rest of your life there.

 

The void in your life involves the past, and you spend too much time thinking about it. The more you think about today and tomorrow, the less value living in yesterday will have for you.

 

Deep feelings aren't enough. There were too few postive actions and too many negative actions. Become the responsible agent for acting rightly beginning right this moment, and none of that past nonsense and messiness matters.

 

It isn't as if you can't move on separately because you together brought a child into this messy world.

 

Put and leave the past where it belongs - in the past.

 

This is so right to be honest - while we had feelings and 'loved' each other, there weren't many positive actions happening. Even then, it seemed like an argument was only round the corner. Need to focus more on today and tomorrow, that is excellent advice.

 

It's hard not to get sucked into someone who thrives on drama. Do learn what you can from this. Recognize early red flags. Sit down and list what you noticed that you ignored. Make a list of that and make a list of boundaries you require. Learn from it. Get a firm plan in your head about what turns into trouble and what you want from a relationship and don't accept less!

 

Thing that annoys me is that there WERE red flags early on with this girl but I kept pushing past it, thinking it would get better! But you are right, I have started to build boundaries and think about what it is I'm actually looking for - already rejected a few girls on this very basis!

 

I suspect it's just being patient with yourself and giving yourself time.

[PLT]

This is so right to be honest - while we had feelings and 'loved' each other, there weren't many positive actions happening. Even then, it seemed like an argument was only round the corner. Need to focus more on today and tomorrow, that is excellent advice.

 

 

 

Thing that annoys me is that there WERE red flags early on with this girl but I kept pushing past it, thinking it would get better! But you are right, I have started to build boundaries and think about what it is I'm actually looking for - already rejected a few girls on this very basis!

 

I suspect it's just being patient with yourself and giving yourself time.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. Many of us have been there, myself included. Ignoring red flag after red flag, putting things down as "one offs", giving them the benefit of the doubt over and over again. My ex showed signs of anger issues early on, but I shrugged it off as her having a bad day or whatever. Fast forward a few years and that anger outburst was now the norm. Just learn the lesson from it.

 

You're right. It is just about time, introspection and patience. It feels odd to start with but you will soon learn to appreciate the calm.

[ML Hammer95]

Don't beat yourself up over it. Many of us have been there, myself included. Ignoring red flag after red flag, putting things down as "one offs", giving them the benefit of the doubt over and over again. My ex showed signs of anger issues early on, but I shrugged it off as her having a bad day or whatever. Fast forward a few years and that anger outburst was now the norm. Just learn the lesson from it.

 

You're right. It is just about time, introspection and patience. It feels odd to start with but you will soon learn to appreciate the calm.

 

What about the accusations that I was taking advantage of her missing me, how I'd abuse her heart and how I only saw her as a back up option? While I think this person will fade away, the labels might stick a lot longer in my head. I want to put it down to her being emotionally unstable but she can't be 100% wrong.

[PLT]

What about the accusations that I was taking advantage of her missing me, how I'd abuse her heart and how I only saw her as a back up option? While I think this person will fade away, the labels might stick a lot longer in my head. I want to put it down to her being emotionally unstable but she can't be 100% wrong.

 

Well yes, she can.

 

Mine accused me of cheating. Didn't happen. I've never cheated in my life, I wasn't about to start then. Accused me of only wanting her for sex. Not true. Showed it through my actions over and over again, the accusations still kept coming. Accused me of taking advantage of her "good nature", which can't be true because she doesn't have a good nature. Accused me of disrespecting our relationship when in fact it was her doing that, and so on and so on.

 

Look, it doesn't matter what she said, what she accused you of. Only you know the truth of what your actions and intentions were. Answer to yourself, not to her accusation.

 

Time apart will give you a better perspective. I mean 6 months+, not a few weeks. It took me 6 months to even start dealing with it from a more balanced perspective.

[ML Hammer95]

Well yes, she can.

 

Mine accused me of cheating. Didn't happen. I've never cheated in my life, I wasn't about to start then. Accused me of only wanting her for sex. Not true. Showed it through my actions over and over again, the accusations still kept coming. Accused me of taking advantage of her "good nature", which can't be true because she doesn't have a good nature. Accused me of disrespecting our relationship when in fact it was her doing that, and so on and so on.

 

Look, it doesn't matter what she said, what she accused you of. Only you know the truth of what your actions and intentions were. Answer to yourself, not to her accusation.

 

Time apart will give you a better perspective. I mean 6 months+, not a few weeks. It took me 6 months to even start dealing with it from a more balanced perspective.

 

This is so true - she was quick to accuse me of things forcing me onto the defensive. And I felt I couldn't raise any concerns without it being turned back onto me.

 

I can't wait until 6 months has passed, to be free of this! Taking it a day at a time though as I still have weak moments and don't want to get complacent.

 

Got a counselling session next week to start rebuilding.

[PLT]

This is so true - she was quick to accuse me of things forcing me onto the defensive. And I felt I couldn't raise any concerns without it being turned back onto me.

 

I can't wait until 6 months has passed, to be free of this! Taking it a day at a time though as I still have weak moments and don't want to get complacent.

 

Got a counselling session next week to start rebuilding.

 

Great. Counselling is a good start. You may feel better sooner, or it may take longer, but after 6 months you will at least be able to look back with a more logical look at it all. You may find that you think you did indeed make mistakes, and will now know not to repeat them in the future.

 

I'm 7 months post BU to the day today. I STILL have sad / angry / depressed moments, but they subside quicker than before, and they are fewer and farther between than they were before. Like I said the main thing is that now at least I can look back and see things for how they really were.

 

Keep going, keep NC (this is VITAL!), and keep posting. You've got this.

[ML Hammer95]

We started talking and getting close at the end of 2015 and the longest time we haven't spoken in that time is two weeks. I want to get to two weeks no contact as a milestone. After the 'breakup' she texted me a few times, and while I replied and had conversation I knew it was the wrong thing to do - she seemed nice and caring (like she was capable of doing) but I couldn't forget what went before.

 

Ended up last week calling her blind drunk (literally no remember) and apparently told her to do one, I was moving on, enjoying uni and didn't need this anymore. Again, she was caring until she heard the voicemails and then she flipped! Said all sorts of things, but generally painted me as the instigator and abuser saying she 'fell' for me whenever I started talking to her and it wasn't fair. She threatened to report me which is bull**** but not spoken since.

 

It's been 8 days and I'm doing okay. Got a Tinder date or two lined up but made it clear I'm not looking for anything serious. Just want to connect and not rush anything.

 

My friends and family have been great too, they were telling me for months how bad this girl was and I thought I knew better or I think we were 'addicted' to each other.

 

Just wanted to add context, there are so many mad stories I could post (and may do) but it feels good to articulate what happened as it makes it sound mental!

[ML Hammer95]

Had a counselling session yesterday, the main points to come from it were:

 

• That this girl was indeed emotionally abusive and manipulative
  
• That I need to be kinder to myself and trust my own judgement
  
• Don't always seek outside validation
  
• That feeling like the abuser is a common trait of emotionally abused partners
  
• That I've made good progress but am currently in a 'grief cycle'
  
• Misconstrued her actions as caring when they were manipulations
  
• worth so much more
  

 

Been making good progress and two weeks has passed without any contact. While sometimes I get angry and frustrated with it, most of the time I can push past it now. Throwing myself into being more social at Uni has helped and have got a few Tinder dates lined up (not looking for anything serious though).

 

I remember reading that part of the reason you miss a toxic ex is because of the drama they bought into your lives and the emptiness when it's gone. Like a constant 'flight or fight' response. Whereas now I'm getting used to the calm again and embracing it. Feels good!

[ML Hammer95]

She contacted me yesterday, through Instagram messenger (didn't block it because we don't follow each other). Ironically while I was on a date with someone else! She said 'Hey' and 'When are you home from uni for Easter?'.

 

Found it quite funny after everything she said that she's getting in contact with me (it's been two weeks since last contact). I wouldn't want to meet up with her except maybe out of morbid curiosity. She must be missing the attention or feeling desperate and lonely - can't think of any other reason she would get in touch.

 

Ignored it. Agree that I've done the right thing?

[ML Hammer95]

Struggled a bit more today. Annoyed she found a way to get in touch and really don't know why she'd bother.

 

Anybody shed any light...?

[marie25]

Definitely ignore it - it is likely breadcrumbs, and if it's reconciliation you aren't interested anyway bc your relationship with her was very unhealthy. You are on a good quest. Believe in yourself and move forward.

[Downtown]

Hammer, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., suicide threats and attempt, irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I'm not suggesting that your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits (which may or may not exceed the diagnostic threshold).

 

She is emotionally unstable.

Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control emotions. See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

She threatened to kill herself if I left, made an actual suicide attempt in response to me hanging out with a friend (and I was blamed)....

One of the 9 defining traits for BPD is "Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting." See cite above.

 

We both had spells of neediness, jealousy, possessiveness and emotion (on different scales of course).

BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as suicide attempts, verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I often felt I could do no right.

It was impossible to "do right" if you were in a BPDer relationship. The main reason is that the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Because you frequently find yourself triggering one fear or the other, you usually feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid triggering another senseless argument. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Found it quite funny after everything she said that she's getting in contact with me.... She must be missing the attention or feeling desperate and lonely.

BPDers absolutely HATE being alone. Because they have a fragile, weak self image, they feel a strong need to be around a stable partner who can supply them with the missing self identity -- by grounding them and helping to center them. But, when you do exactly that, a BPDer will soon start resenting you for it. She will feel like you are "controlling" her and suffocating her. This is due to a BPDer's great fear of engulfment. The result is that a BPDer typically will berate and devalue you -- but won't want you to leave permanently. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

 

Thing that annoys me is that there WERE red flags early on with this girl but I kept pushing past it, thinking it would get better!

As PLT wisely states, "Don't beat yourself up over it." If your exGF is a BPDer, there likely were only a few red flags to see during the courtship period. The reason is that a BPDer's infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to save her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. It is only when the infatuation starts evaporating -- typically about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- that those fears return. At that point, you would start triggering her two fears on a regular basis.

 

I worry I have been codependent.

Perhaps so. Anything is possible. Dating a BPDer for a year, however, does not demonstrate that you have a codependency problem. As I noted above, you likely did not start seeing strong and persistent warning signs until you were halfway through that year. By then, you were so "in love" that it was difficult to see her clearly.

 

It therefore is common for normal healthy adults to remain in a BPDer relationship for 12 to 18 months. Because the abused partner knows to a certainty that the BPDer loves him, he mistakenly assumes that he can restore the R/S to its original blissful state if he can only figure out what HE is doing wrong. Healthy guys will spend 6 to 12 months trying to save the R/S after the strong red flags appear. Then they bail. It's excessive caregivers like me who stay much longer (15 years in my case).

 

Generally painted me as the instigator and abuser.... She threatened to report me which is bull****.

Likewise, my BPDer exW had me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. Because I was arrested early on a Saturday morning, I was in jail nearly 3 full days before I could go before a judge at arraignment.

 

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or even hating you). These rapid flips arises from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

I can't wait until 6 months has passed, to be free of this! Taking it a day at a time though as I still have weak moments.

If you dated a BPDer for a year, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling confused and hurt. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

I want to put it down to her being emotionally unstable but she can't be 100% wrong.

As PLT succinctly states above, "Well yes, she can." Please listen to PLT. Like me, he has been much farther down the path you were on while dating your abusive exGF. He's been there, done that.

 

If your exGF is a BPDer, her feelings frequently are so intense that they distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. On top of that, she has such low self esteem that her subconscious works 24/7 protecting her fragile ego from seeing her own bad behavior and bad choices. It accomplishes this by projecting her painful thoughts and feelings onto YOU.

 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, a BPDer will be convinced -- at the conscious level -- that those thoughts and feelings are originating from you. The result is that a BPDer typically believes the absurd allegations coming out of her mouth. And a week later when her feelings change and she is saying the exact opposite, she will be convinced that nonsense is true too.

 

I want to understand why I stuck with this behaviour for so long, why we kept going back to each other.

If she is a BPDer, that is to be expected. BPDers exhibit an emotional intensity, immaturity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, walking away from a BPDer can feel like you're abandoning a sick child who desperately needs you. And, as I noted above, you will mistakenly conclude that you can restore her to that wonderful woman you saw at the beginning if you can only figure out what you're doing wrong.

 

The result is that it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times. BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

The question is what do I need to do? ...I need help to understand and make sense of what has gone on.

You've already made several wise choices that will hasten your healing process: (a) going NC, (b) seeing a therapist for a professional opinion, and © coming here to LS to communicate with other people having similar experiences. I believe it also may be helpful for you to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join PLT and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Hammer.

[ML Hammer95]

Downtown, I almost cried reading your post... this makes so much sense! Especially the parts about abandonment-engulfment, the emotional intensity and perceiving their emotions as cold-hard facts. Making it out that it was a problem with me too - like coming back after a few days ago after all the bile she said can only be explained by the abandonment theory. The use of 'You NEVER' and 'You ALWAYS' were so frequent too.

 

Also the fact there has been previous breakup-makeup cycles fits in with the statistics listed - I can think of three main ones alongside a few other 'minor' instances and you could frame the contact a few days back as another attempt on her part to instigate another cycle - only I'm stronger now and no contact has framed my mind and I don't feel the guilt I did on previous occasions.

 

Thanks again though mate, this was exactly what I needed to read and hear and fair play for the detailed response! I would love to discuss more as I feel it has really been helping me.

[ML Hammer95]

Hit rock bottom tonight... got added by an unknown Snapchat account. Turned out to be her. Gave her a piece of my mind but felt so ****. Turns out she did report me to the police who told her to delete everything so she couldn't contact me - she ended up contacting me like I have said.

 

Feels like a hundred steps back.

[Downtown]

Downtown... this makes so much sense! ...I would love to discuss more as I feel it has really been helping me.

Hammer, as I said earlier, I would be glad to discuss any questions you have about BPD behaviors and my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you decide you would like to discuss them further, it would be helpful if you would tell us which signs (e.g., #3, #8, and #17) apply very strongly and which ones apply weakly or not at all.

[ML Hammer95]

I think the signs that most applied to this girl are...

 

#1 (she normally comes back though)

#2 (one of the main ones)

#3 (thinking I fancy my flatmates or any girl that I mention... says she acts like this because 'she cares')

#5 (she admits this herself - liable to flip/explode and push me away at a moments notice... eggshells is so apt)

#6

#7 (ultimately)

#8

#10 (turns it back on me often... I'm not perfect by any means but it is rare she notes her own shortcomings. Although she has done during big arguments)

#11 (sometimes)

#12 (previous people have screwed her over or guys complain she is too confrontational)

#15

#18 (huge one - her feelings are often portrayed as stone cold facts)

[Downtown]

Hammer, you've identified 12 of the BPD warning signs as applicable to your exGF. This indicates that you're seeing a strong pattern of BPD red flags -- if you change your mind about trait #9, which is a core feature of BPD behavior. And there are two other red flags you may want to reconsider:

 

9. Fear of abandonment. This trait is such a core feature of BPD behavior that, if she doesn't exhibit it as you say, she almost certainly cannot be a BPDer. But this trait is manifested most commonly as irrational jealousy, a trait that you say your exGF exhibits quite often. As you say, "...thinking I fancy my flatmates or any girl that I mention." Moreover, you say she has threatened several times that she will kill herself if you leave her. That is strong evidence of a powerful abandonment fear.

 

It also can be manifested in numerous other ways. My BPDer exW, for example, would feel threatened whenever I walked a few feet ahead of her on a narrow sidewalk (her thinking I was embarrassed to be seen with her) or whenever I spent time visiting close friends or relatives. Indeed, she felt threatened even by the time and money I spent on my adult foster son.

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction. You omit this trait also. On the other hand, you say she threatens to kill herself if you leave her. Further, you say that she is "emotionally unstable." If so, she likely has relied on you many times to help stabilize her and ground her.

 

16. No close long-term friends. Are you sure about this one not applying? I ask because you say that she exhibits strong black-white thinking (trait #1) and frequently uses all-or-nothing expressions (trait #2, which is how B-W thinking is usually manifested in behavior). Significantly, people who rely heavily on B-W thinking usually reach a point -- with their close friends -- where they get offended over some minor infraction and split that friend "black."

 

At that point, they typically will create a fight over a minor issue in order to push the friend away. The result is that it is unusual for such people to have any close long-term friends unless the friend lives a long distance away. My BPDer exW, for example, had several BFF during our 15 year marriage. She eventually pushed each of them away within 4 or 5 years.

[EmilyJane]

Read about borderline personality disorder in relationships. Seriously.

 

Then apply it to your sitch and come back here if you need to figure it out more

[EmilyJane]

Hammer, you've identified 12 of the BPD warning signs as applicable to your exGF. This indicates that you're seeing a strong pattern of BPD red flags -- if you change your mind about trait #9, which is a core feature of BPD behavior. And there are two other red flags you may want to reconsider:

 

9. Fear of abandonment. This trait is such a core feature of BPD behavior that, if she doesn't exhibit it as you say, she almost certainly cannot be a BPDer. But this trait is manifested most commonly as irrational jealousy, a trait that you say your exGF exhibits quite often. As you say, "...thinking I fancy my flatmates or any girl that I mention." Moreover, you say she has threatened several times that she will kill herself if you leave her. That is strong evidence of a powerful abandonment fear.

 

It also can be manifested in numerous other ways. My BPDer exW, for example, would feel threatened whenever I walked a few feet ahead of her on a narrow sidewalk (her thinking I was embarrassed to be seen with her) or whenever I spent time visiting close friends or relatives. Indeed, she felt threatened even by the time and money I spent on my adult foster son.

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction. You omit this trait also. On the other hand, you say she threatens to kill herself if you leave her. Further, you say that she is "emotionally unstable." If so, she likely has relied on you many times to help stabilize her and ground her.

 

16. No close long-term friends. Are you sure about this one not applying? I ask because you say that she exhibits strong black-white thinking (trait #1) and frequently uses all-or-nothing expressions (trait #2, which is how B-W thinking is usually manifested in behavior). Significantly, people who rely heavily on B-W thinking usually reach a point -- with their close friends -- where they get offended over some minor infraction and split that friend "black."

 

At that point, they typically will create a fight over a minor issue in order to push the friend away. The result is that it is unusual for such people to have any close long-term friends unless the friend lives a long distance away. My BPDer exW, for example, had several BFF during our 15 year marriage. She eventually pushed each of them away within 4 or 5 years.

 

Hahahaha sorry, I posted before reading the thread and was beaten to the point by someone who is much more patient than me at typing out long complex concepts.

 

OP she if not you too totally do exhibit some BPD traits. It is not uncommon at all for many people to exhibit clusters of behaviours used to describe the condition. That ability you have, the one that is making you question yourself, of reading the signs and recognising some of your own behaviours is the clearest indicator that you are not anywhere near the end of the spectrum. She does not have that capacity and it is how she manipulates you. That little voice of reason and healthy self doubt.

 

It's debated how accurate it is as a condition and whether personality disorders at all are anything more than society describing undesirable behaviour and only a trained professional is capable of accurately diagnosing someone. However, using the resources online about the condition and how it affects people in relationships will give you exactly what you are asking for: how to get away and stop being sucked in.

 

Try to keep the focus on you and what need and feel and only seek to understand enough to facilitate practical strategies for keeping away. Trying to understand her and why you didn't leave etc are another trap that suck you in again. It means you are still giving her the emotional energy and investment she needs to feel secure and to be able to manipulate you.

 

I would strongly suggest taking a social media break and closing privacy settings right down where available so that no one who isn't a friend can message you and no one who isn't a friend of a friend can even see your profile. And deleting her contact information from your phone so you can't impulse contact her. After blocking her number.

 

It helps . It's hard and painful. But it helps a lot to get out of their reach until you're stronger and have a clearer perspective and boundaries.

Edited March 31, 2017 by EmilyJane

[ML Hammer95]

 

9. Fear of abandonment. This trait is such a core feature of BPD behavior that, if she doesn't exhibit it as you say, she almost certainly cannot be a BPDer. But this trait is manifested most commonly as irrational jealousy, a trait that you say your exGF exhibits quite often. As you say, "...thinking I fancy my flatmates or any girl that I mention." Moreover, you say she has threatened several times that she will kill herself if you leave her. That is strong evidence of a powerful abandonment fear.

 

It also can be manifested in numerous other ways. My BPDer exW, for example, would feel threatened whenever I walked a few feet ahead of her on a narrow sidewalk (her thinking I was embarrassed to be seen with her) or whenever I spent time visiting close friends or relatives. Indeed, she felt threatened even by the time and money I spent on my adult foster son.

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction. You omit this trait also. On the other hand, you say she threatens to kill herself if you leave her. Further, you say that she is "emotionally unstable." If so, she likely has relied on you many times to help stabilize her and ground her.

 

16. No close long-term friends. Are you sure about this one not applying? I ask because you say that she exhibits strong black-white thinking (trait #1) and frequently uses all-or-nothing expressions (trait #2, which is how B-W thinking is usually manifested in behavior). Significantly, people who rely heavily on B-W thinking usually reach a point -- with their close friends -- where they get offended over some minor infraction and split that friend "black."

 

At that point, they typically will create a fight over a minor issue in order to push the friend away. The result is that it is unusual for such people to have any close long-term friends unless the friend lives a long distance away. My BPDer exW, for example, had several BFF during our 15 year marriage. She eventually pushed each of them away within 4 or 5 years.

 

#9 definitely applies, I didn't realise it manifests itself as irrational jealousy. She exhibited abandonment issues right to the end - in one of our last arguments, out of nowhere, she said 'remember this... you. left. me.' Of course the suicide threats/attempt would apply too. I overlooked it before as it wasn't an obvious sign all the time, it would normally show itself in the middle of arguments and come from nowhere. Also, when she last said 'i'm always here for you' and I said it wasn't for the best we are in contact she got very defensive and dismissive - triggered her abandonment fear? Despite everything, I'd be surprised if she didn't attempt to contact me.

 

#14 too perhaps - whenever she had a problem at work, or with family, or someone annoying her on a night out she would rant about it to me. I'm not sure about the sense of direction though. Maybe because she tried to come back after two weeks NC was an indication of that?

 

#16 is more difficult because I didn't spend much time around her friends. However, due to her relations with her family and work colleagues (and me) I would think that her friends would experience something similar if they annoyed her. She claims she is just honest and direct and that other people cannot handle that confrontation.

 

Before, I did not specify which of the BPD traits were strongest - I'd say the strongest were #2, #6, #10, #3 and #18.

[PLT]

My ex displayed many of the BPD traits Hammer. I had never even heard of BPD until around a year ago when Downtown responded to one of my posts much the same as he/she has yours. That list of signs became my bible.

 

A year and a bit on from then and it still hurts like buggery sometimes. I think there is an added pain when breaking up with a BPDer if you were in love with them, because they made you believe that you were different. You wouldnt be like all the others. You would stand the test of time. They couldn't be without you. And then suddenly, that flips, they are gone, and you are left to pick up the pieces of your now broken life with no discussion and no explanation. It really is like a sudden, unexpected death of a loved one. It leaves deep scars and drastically affects one's ability or willingness to trust people. These people have no idea of the serious long term damage they do to people who fall for them, and if they do, they don't care. It's all about them.

 

It's only when you realise that they WILL NOT CHANGE that it starts to become easier. In fact it could be argued they cannot change. This is fundamentally who they are, not just something they do.

 

EDIT: "I'm just being honest and direct and people cant handle that". Man I heard pretty much those exact words myself. It's bull**** dude. It's an excuse for their behaviour. I'm honest and direct but I don't go around leaving a trail of destruction in my wake.

Edited March 31, 2017 by PLT

[ML Hammer95]

 

OP she if not you too totally do exhibit some BPD traits. It is not uncommon at all for many people to exhibit clusters of behaviours used to describe the condition. That ability you have, the one that is making you question yourself, of reading the signs and recognising some of your own behaviours is the clearest indicator that you are not anywhere near the end of the spectrum. She does not have that capacity and it is how she manipulates you. That little voice of reason and healthy self doubt.

 

It's debated how accurate it is as a condition and whether personality disorders at all are anything more than society describing undesirable behaviour and only a trained professional is capable of accurately diagnosing someone. However, using the resources online about the condition and how it affects people in relationships will give you exactly what you are asking for: how to get away and stop being sucked in.

 

Try to keep the focus on you and what need and feel and only seek to understand enough to facilitate practical strategies for keeping away. Trying to understand her and why you didn't leave etc are another trap that suck you in again. It means you are still giving her the emotional energy and investment she needs to feel secure and to be able to manipulate you.

 

I would strongly suggest taking a social media break and closing privacy settings right down where available so that no one who isn't a friend can message you and no one who isn't a friend of a friend can even see your profile. And deleting her contact information from your phone so you can't impulse contact her. After blocking her number.

 

It helps . It's hard and painful. But it helps a lot to get out of their reach until you're stronger and have a clearer perspective and boundaries.

 

Keeping the focus on myself is exactly what I need right now - and was something I was getting the hang off until she tried to get back in contact (been harder since). Ensuring there is no way of contacting me is essential, the slight ego boost isn't worth being sucked back in. Especially as I was having success getting out there with other girls.

 

I'm reassured that you think I'm on the healthy end of the spectrum as during attacks and arguments by her I was made out to be the one with all the problems. I remember a few months ago I went to counselling and told her, she said I was 'having a meltdown' and made no attempt to understand until I told her to walk away unless she understood and supported my decision. Her perception of counselling though remained me and the counsellor sat in a room 'bitching and blaming her for everything'.

 

I remember how good I was feeling when she was gone (she said too that she was feeling great until a few days before she got back in touch) and that is my motivation to stay away - I know I will improve quite quickly it's just being disciplined and setting boundaries.