New here, the "jealous guy"

[Explorer9404]

So as a newb here let me first start out with some particulars. 39yo male, divorced for 4 yrs. Fitness junkie, professional and very driven.

 

my ex wife and I divorced 4 years ago after 14 years of marriage (it was amicable). We were just both going in two different directions and disconnected on every level.

 

About 6 months later I started dating this beautiful woman who ended up absolutely adoring me. She put me on a pedestal, loved me more than anything and did whatever I asked (not that I'm like that). However after a few months her insecurities started to show. Questioning a lot of things that I didn't feel were warranted, would get upset if I couldn't hang out a certain night or had other plans etc. This progressed to accusations of cheating etc. At that point the relationship started to fail miserably because there was nothing there. She would come up with something in her head and act on it which only created strain. Then fighting, even broke up a few times (silly I know). It got to the point that it became toxic and I stuck in there for some reason. I was addicted to her even though she often drove me crazy. I finally cut it off and after 5 months we gave it another go only for it to blow up in our face after a month. The whole thing is sad really and I feel bad for how it happened.

 

I'll get to how I felt bad in a second.

 

After another 6 months of being single I met through a friend the most beautiful woman. I knew I was in trouble on the first date. I got overly consumed with her looks and ignored some minor red flags right out of the gate. She is a "semi" geographically famous fitness model so she knows A LOT of people and men. She also works in a male dominated industry so I knew the opportunity's were there for her. After a few weeks of dating we were in full swing and having a blast. I was/am completely cool with her job as I trust her and I am feeling really good about myself because she chose me out of the hundreds and hundreds of men that would love to date her.

 

After a month a so I discover that she's bipolar and only her closest friends know. I was thrown back. I didn't know what to do and how to handle it because I knew nothing about it. I was vested at this point and told her how happy I was that she chose to tel me and that it meant a great deal and we would deal with it as it comes.

 

Fast forward almost 5 months now and we are reeling. I have been so amazingly patient with her, her mom loves me for it. It doesn't really cause me any problems until I do something that she doesn't like and she's in a "mood". I have never been called so many names in my life. Most recently I've been accused of being jealous because I questioned her working out with another guy (who she told me in the past liked her) at her gym and then posted a picture of it on her businesses web page (she runs a fitness app). She explained its not like that, its art etc. Its nothing racy or anything but for whatever reason I got upset and asked about it. She lost it on me and told me it will never work out between us because this is her life, business etc. Now i'm absolutely no slouch, I can do quite ok for myself but that wasn't the point. I wasn't jealous, I just didn't feel I was honored in that situation. I am madly in love with her and do anything for her but i am starting to wonder am I actually a jealous person? because the more i think about my questioning her the more I am reminded of how my ex gf treated me and I hated it. I will admit, as a physically fit, successful man with charm and good looks I do battle with insecurity sometimes.

 

I had to think back to my last relationship and thought long and hard about some of our fights. The more I thought the more I realized that I was the cause of some of the fights. A random ex drunk texting her in the middle of the night? thats not her fault. Why did I get so pissed at her? Same thing could happen to me.

 

I don't think i am jealous as much as I am battling some self confidence issues and some obvious insecurity issues.

 

I feel like I should just wave the white towel and do some self discovery for a while but on the other hand I love what i have with my gf when we're firing on all cylinders.

 

Anyone ever deal with this?

[Telemachus]

Falling in love is easy, ridiculously so. Doing what is necessary to keep the relationship healthy and alive is the hard work that most people won't make the effort to do.

 

You're in the club, but slow to realize it. Honestly, a little more self-awareness and a little less self-absorption would benefit most of us, you included.

 

You seem to be very focused on physical appearance, your own and those of the women you date. That won't serve you well in the long run. There's nothing wrong with looking good and maintaining a healthy-looking form, but you seem to value it too highly for your own good.

 

It doesn't seem that "beautiful" and "most beautiful" as you refer to regarding your two most recent relationships are inner qualities that could survive a vehicle collision and resulting disfigurement and physical disability.

 

Time has a way of stripping-away all that you say you value. When that happens, what's left for you? If you judge the quality of a relationship based on superficial physical qualities that are temporary and fleeting in yourself and others, you'll eventually see your judgment flawed each and every time.

 

You can be a much better relationship partner, and you can make better decisions. We all can. You've started on the path of self-awareness and acknowledging the damage done by your own jealous words and actions. Continue down that path and be impeccable in your own words and actions.

[Altair0770]

One of the costs of dating an extremely attractive partner is that people will check them out. I'm not a jealous person either, but insecurity does develop when your partner does get constantly hit on.

 

You mentioned she has Bi-Polar. My ex has PTSD. The thing about mental illness is that it takes a lot of time to manage and there isn't a cure. A friend of mine missed a year in school to go to therapy for his bi-polar disorder and it never went away. He did get better but still has his outbursts. The main thing I think you need to discuss with yourself is are you willing to accept this for the rest of your life?

 

While mental illness can be "recovered" from, there are different stages of recovery for each person, and there is no cure. It never truly goes away.

 

My advice would be to have a long self talk. Is this someone you can see a future with?

[Nox]

I might be saying this influenced by my own bad experience, but it's possible you have jealous moments because deep down you don't trust her.

 

You are not a kid and this is not your first relationship - I assume not the first experience of falling passionately in love. Your marriage ended in a friendly manner, you never had such issues before - well I am more inclined to believe you are just sensing that this woman is not trustworthy.

Hiding that she was bi-polar might play a role in that. Or it could be something else.

 

All I am saying is, a grown man who never had jealousy issues is probably not likely to get them on his own.

Yeah, your own insecurities, however weak they might be, could be a part of the issue as well, but I have an impression that you are intuitively aware that she is not totally trustworthy.

[GorillaTheater]

Explorer, your problem isn't that you're jealous so much as the type of women you're choosing to date.

 

 

I believe the correct medical term for them is Battsh Ytecr Z.

 

I think it's Latin...or German

[William]

One and done and not back in a week so thanks for the input and I'll close this up.