How do you do this? What's equitable? Find a lawyer?

[caveman621]

I know these are all legal questions, but would like to hear what others have experienced.

 

I'm in central Virginia, but how do you even start looking for a lawyer if you don't know one? Yelp?

 

Been married for 27 years. I make a lot more than my wife. She seems to think due to the length of our marriage I owe her the live she has become accustomed to, plus some, forever!!! She doesn't seem concerned with how I will live. It's not REALLY nasty yet, but I can see it getting that way. I think she was brought up in such an old fashioned paternalistic family that she thinks it's the man's job to take care of the woman. I'm trying to tell her I still care about her and wouldn't let her end up homeless or anything, but I'm not going to live in poverty so she can live as she has the last 25 years that my salary has been paying. She needs to take SOME responsibility for herself. And I would rather not give all the $$$ we are fighting over to lawyers, but it looks like that's where this might end up.

[elaine567]

Virginia Spousal Support (Alimony) FAQs | DivorceNet.com

With the length of your marriage and the fact she earns so much less then I think you will have to pay her spousal support until she remarries.

I am however no lawyer.

YOU can't go about arguing with her if you have no facts to back it up.

It may seem unfair in your eyes, but the law is the law and you need to go see a lawyer to establish what it is you will actually owe her.

[SoleMate]

Your wife may be right about her entitlement:

 

"The court, in determining whether to award support and maintenance for a spouse, shall consider the circumstances and factors which contributed to the dissolution of the marriage, specifically including adultery and any other ground for divorce under the provisions of subdivision (3) or (6) of §§ 20-91 or §§ 20-95. In determining the nature, amount and duration of an award pursuant to this section, the court shall consider the following1. The obligations, needs and financial resources of the parties, including but not limited to income from all pension, profit sharing or retirement plans, of whatever nature; 2. The standard of living established during the marriage; 3. The duration of the marriage; 4. The age and physical and mental condition of the parties and any special circumstances of the family; 5. The extent to which the age, physical or mental condition or special circumstances of any child of the parties would make it appropriate that a party not seek employment outside of the home; 6. The contributions, monetary and non monetary, of each party to the well-being of the family; 7. The property interests of the parties, both real and personal, tangible and intangible; 8. The provisions made with regard to the marital property under §§ 20-107.3; 9. The earning capacity, including the skills, education and training of the parties and the present employment opportunities for persons possessing such earning capacity; 10. The opportunity for, ability of, and the time and costs involved for a party to acquire the appropriate education, training and employment to obtain the skills needed to enhance his or her earning ability; 11. The decisions regarding employment, career, economics, education and parenting arrangements made by the parties during the marriage and their effect on present and future earning potential, including the length of time one or both of the parties have been absent from the job market; 12. The extent to which either party has contributed to the attainment of education, training, career position or profession of the other party; and 13. Such other factors, including the tax consequences to each party, as are necessary to consider the equities between the parties.

 

Opinion: There has been a rough rule of thumb among Virginia divorce lawyers that the successful petitioner is likely to be granted a monthly support sum which will allow him or her to continue approximately the level of life style to which they had become accustomed in the marriage, usually not exceeding one-third of the husband’s monthly net income."

-from http://divorceinfo.com/vafaqsalimony.htm

[SoleMate]

If you did any of the following:

 

• Asked her not to work, or work less, or quit school
  
• Made it difficult for her to work for pay, such as by burdening her with child care or housework
  
• Permitted her to not be employed over an extended period
  

 

then IMO and in the eyes of the law, you created her dependency and built up her entitlement to support. This is something everyone should think about before marrying.

[d0nnivain]

Ask around if you know anybody who got divorced.

 

 

Call the VA state bar association & ask for a referral for a lawyer near you.

 

 

Also do a search on your computer & look on the back cover of your local phone book. The person who can afford that full color advertisement has made money over the years. You don't make that kind of cash without being able to do something right.

 

 

Get a few names. Interview 3-4; ask for a free or discounted consultation. You are there to let them sell themselves to you not talk about the specifics of your case until you hire one. Ask about their hourly rates & their philosophy, the communications style & whether they prefer mediation or litigation. Litigation is always more expensive.

 

 

When you find one who you think is a good fit for you personality wise, hire that lawyer.

 

 

Do try to interview the "best" shark out there because once that person meets with you, the attorney is conflicted out of representing her.

 

 

Consider getting a therapist. Issues will arise during this process & if you try to use your lawyer for emotional support you will rack up the bill & not get any relief. A therapist can be covered by medical insurance.

[elaine567]

The court, in determining whether to award support and maintenance for a spouse, shall consider the circumstances and factors which contributed to the dissolution of the marriage, specifically including adultery and any other ground for divorce under the provisions of subdivision (3) or (6) of §§ 20-91 or §§ 20-95.

 

I guess as you have had a gf for the past 2 years, your wife could get you on the adultery as well.

 

In the eyes of the law in many places, if you sleep with someone of the opposite sex whilst separated, you are committing adultery as you are still legally married. Something else to ask your lawyer about.

[PegNosePete]

how do you even start looking for a lawyer if you don't know one? Yelp?

Yeah, google, phone book, personal recommendations, etc.

 

Make sure you get a family lawyer though. It's no use taking a recommendation from a work colleague who knows a great tax lawyer!

 

I would rather not give all the $$$ we are fighting over to lawyers, but it looks like that's where this might end up.

It is a lawyer's responsibility to get the best outcome possible for their client, and that includes minimising their own fees. Generally when people give all their money to the lawyers it is because they are unreasonable and don't follow the lawyer's advice. There are rare exceptions of course but generally if you're pragmatic and sensible and listen to advice, then all but the most extremely unreasonable ex can be dealt with with minimal lawyers fees.