CatherineEarnshaw Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 OK, I am the OW. And foolishly the same man has done this to me twice (yes TWICE) but 28 years apart. When I was 16 I met and fell in love with a slightly older man. We ended up in a relationship and I fell hopelessly in love with him. I did know he was with another woman, however, I didnt know that they were planning on getting married. The news of his impending nuptuals hurt. He got married and I continued being the other woman for a further year or so. In total we were together 2 years. One day I called him (bear in mind this was in the days before mobiles and I had to use payphones) and he was off and said he couldnt do this anymore. I hung up and never saw or spoke to him again but for years I wondered what had happened to him. And for years I kept the secret that I had lost his baby. Fast forward 28 years. I am just out of an abusive relationship but still having to live with my abuser. Who should cross my path but my erstwhile lover. Within days we were lovers again. Within weeks we were sharing the most incredible experiences and all those feelings came back. His friendship and support have been incredible on a practical level he did SO much to help me get away from my ex (I had already made the decision by the time our paths crossed and already found alternative accomodation). The emotional support he gave was also amazing. I felt truly loved, protected and safe. Not only that, I felt alive again. It was no wonder that when he hinted at marriage although I said "not at the moment" I was beginning to think that would be my future. Anyway, when we met for the second time he was in a relationship. He told me it was a shell, he didnt love her, they were more like brother and sister, they had separate rooms (that is verified), no sex etc. She had even told him to go elsewhere for sex because she was no longer interested. They had recently moved house and he said he wished he hadnt taken this house on with her. We carried on our affair in secret for a couple of months. Then Monday she asked him outright if he was seeing someone else. He confessed. She is going to move out. She has bombarded him (perfectly understandably I might add) with all manner of stuff from threatening suicide to saying she will not be able to survive financially (a big worry of his) to attempting seduction. He bore this stoically but compassionately until last night when he telephoned me to say he couldnt leave her. I responded by ending our relationship and cutting all ties. Well that lasted for ooohhh 12 hours. Now we are talking again, and all the signs are he wants to get back with her but he has said he wants our friendship and needs to be able to see and talk to me. He said that an ultimatum by his long term partner of us cutting all ties will not be acceptable to him. I am in a really bad place. I love this man SO much and have done my whole stupid life. I feel awful for his long term partner, the guilt is horrid, but the pure self interest is killing me. I dunno, guess I just needed to vent or someone to tell me I'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Ouch. You're in a hard place. He's not going to end it for real on his side anytime soon, that much is clear. He doesn't want to let go of either of you. She's fighting for her side, whereas on your side, he knows that you're willing to accept the lesser position... Is he married to his current partner? This is a different person than the one he married when he first knew you, right? Considering your circumstances and your need for recovery from your abusive ex, the absolute best thing for you at this point is probably to end it with him of your own volition. You honestly do need space and time to center yourself without being tugged around by this sort of emotional drama. You also, if you EVER want to be able to have an actual relationship with this man, need to be able to enforce your own boundaries. It's going to be hard and it's going to hurt a lot but you will come out so much better for it in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 If they have separate rooms, no sex and she told him to go elsewhere, why did he stay and why did she move out when he said he was seeing you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Well that lasted for ooohhh 12 hours. Now we are talking again, and all the signs are he wants to get back with her but he has said he wants our friendship and needs to be able to see and talk to me. He said that an ultimatum by his long term partner of us cutting all ties will not be acceptable to him. Unless you want a life of being number 2, cut contact with him. He is a cake-eater. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Since you have loved him most of your life, you need to give him an ultimatum too, just like his wife has done. If he won't leave her immediately, you have to be strong enough to permanently walk away. He does not deserve your love if he isn't willing to leave her for you. You never stopped loving him and if he won't honor your lifetime of love, move on with your life and close your heart off to him forever. Please don't stay in his life as the OW... it will cause you even more pain in the long run. He needs to either chose to be with you only or you leave him, no inbetween. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatherineEarnshaw Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 Thank you somanymistakes. He is not married to the lady - they have been together about 8 years with 2 or 3 breaks (no one else involved) of up to 18 months so there is clearly a strange glue that binds them. It is not the same person from 28 years ago. He wants to see me Sunday and talk. I have told him we will talk and that is it. I also made it clear that he must not try anything sexual - I am looking elsewhere for that (OK that was gratuitous, but I wanted him to hurt just a little bit). I think you are right, I think I do need to be alone. I just need to withdraw from him as soon as I can. The trouble is, I loved him my whole life and all of a sudden my dreams of 30 odd years ago started to look like becoming real.......It's hard to give up on a dream. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatherineEarnshaw Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 Sorry, you others werent there when I posted. Sandylee - I havent asked those questions yet. She didnt actually move out, she said she was going to on Monday. The reason he stuck with the previous situation was, so he says, apathy. BTDT - Hmmm, given the message I just had, I suspect you may be right. He asked "Hypothetically, if it didnt work with his current lady would I have him back in 6 months". The answer I gave "I dont know"; the answer I should have given "Do one ******, I am not second best" AHG - wow. No he is nt honouring my love. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I do need to be alone. I just need to withdraw from him as soon as I can. The trouble is, I loved him my whole life and all of a sudden my dreams of 30 odd years ago started to look like becoming real.......It's hard to give up on a dream. But it wasn't real was it? Truth is he doesn't choose you. He didn't choose you 28 years ago and he isn't choosing you now. This man is no Heathcliff and you are no Cathy so bin that book, and start living in the real world. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I'm very sorry for your pain. But, it's important to realize that he didn't chose you. He's had the opportunity twice now, and he has chosen another woman both times. This time, he is choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship with a woman who he says, is fairly unstable, dependent on him, and basically lives separately and has limited affection (no sex). If he really loved you, he would chose you. And the fact that he hasn't should tell you where you stand with this man. I think it's best for you to move on, before he hurts you even more. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Reality Check: You traded in one abuse relationship for another. I think it's time for you to be single and go to therapy and get healthy Unhealthy woman attract unhealthy men I wish you the best and said a prayer for you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 It sounds like he use you to try to get something out of her.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 This time, he is choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship with a woman who he says, is fairly unstable, dependent on him, and basically lives separately and has limited affection (no sex). If he really loved you, he would chose you. And the fact that he hasn't should tell you where you stand with this man. Exactly. OP, if she is such a horror then where does that leave you? And if she isn't, then he is lying to you. Neither is good. See him for who he really is. You will heal much quicker that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hunniebae Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 You say that they had separate rooms (that is verified), no sex etc., Do you know her or been in his house? If the relationship is more like brother and sister, then why is he staying in an unfullfilled relationship when there's nothing binding them together? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 He isn't the same person as he was 28 years ago. And I'm sure you're not the same as you were 28 years ago either. You're holding onto a fantasy, your mind has filled in blanks and that chemistry may still be there but reality probably isn't going to be what you expect/hope it to be. Let the past stay in the past. He is with someone else and as you now know he's not going to leave her and start a new life with you. Let him go on all levels. He's not worth it. Move on and find someone who is better suited for you and single. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 You should go back to not talking to him until he is completely available and chooses you. Being his friend and him needing to be able to see and talk to you will keep you forever in second place because he'll never have to make a decision if both of you are fulfilling his needs. He picked her, don't do her job for her, don't make his life tolerable, he needs to feel the unfulfilled relationship without interference. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Has he expressed the same love for you that you have for him? Does he have kids with her? I think the bottom line is if he felt the same level of love he would make the choice to be with you (based on that thy are like "brother and sister", don't have sex, live in separate rooms etc). Most people won't stay in that kind of a relationship long term unless they have young kids they want to finish raising first. I have been in a similar situation as he is in. Married (and was unstable at the time) and my high school sweetheart came back into my life. I have the capacity to love both men, but ultimately I stayed with my husband and worked things out because I love him and value my marriage more than my high school sweetheart that already had 2 chances to be with me when I was single. He may very well love both you and her, but in the end he has chosen her needs over yours I know it is hard, but the best thing is to walk away from this man and learn to kill the love that you have for him on the inside. Link to post Share on other sites
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