MM and vacation with wife [UPDATE He's applying for another job]

[aileD]

DELETE THE APP. Change your phone number. That is how you break the hold. No contact. Tell people. Ask them to help you keep him away from you. If he k OWs where you live, stay with a friend or family for a month. You need to take drastic measures.

[BuddyX]

DELETE THE APP. Change your phone number. That is how you break the hold. No contact. Tell people. Ask them to help you keep him away from you. If he k OWs where you live, stay with a friend or family for a month. You need to take drastic measures.

 

Agree ^^^

There's really nothing more to be said from this forum.

Just think about it, every night they're intimate. That's what married couples do on cruises. Why are you involved in this?

 

From another LS member

"I could stay NC because I made a cast iron commitment to being a friend to myself. I realised that no person was worth more pain."

[Lovetoo]

Have you ever thought of moving? I did that once. It was nice. Good. I didn't stay long though. I moved 12 hours away for about 5-6 months. That helped.

[BaileyB]

I just wish I could break free from the hold he has over me. He has me wrapped around his finger and he has to know it. I just wish for the day I feel nothing for him. I feel so out of control.. like I can't help my feelings for him and the feelings are so strong and powerful.

 

Every day, we make choices. We create the life we want for ourselves, by making decisions.

 

You can either chose the things that will build you up and bring joy to your life, or you can make choices that will cause you pain and hardship.

 

The choice, is yours. If you want something different in your life, then make a different decision. It is really that simple.

 

You have a very bad case of learned helplessness... You believe that you don't have the strength to break free of this man, that you are somehow a victim and destined to wait around for him to call you over and show you some attention. That is a sad, sad way to live... Giving your power over to another person who will use it to their benefit, not yours.

 

But the truth is, as Dorothy learned in the Wizard of Oz, you have had the power all along... When are you ever going to decide to take your own power back and gather the courage to live your own life.

 

Make a decision.

[Quiet Storms]

So sad.

 

Right now you are in control. The SECOND you reply to this "man" you have lost all control.

 

What he cares about is that he has you still on his leash, questionable now since he is on a lovemaking cruise with his wife. So he has to know he's still got you.

 

So when you didn't reply to him earlier or check his message, he wondered, Hey. Where is she? She needs to be here! Just waiting for me in the wings while I spend my time with my wife having a wonderful cruise and making love to her.

 

[]

Edited March 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[S2B]

I just wish I could break free from the hold he has over me. He has me wrapped around his finger and he has to know it. I just wish for the day I feel nothing for him. I feel so out of control.. like I can't help my feelings for him and the feelings are so strong and powerful.

 

[]

 

He doesn't have any hold on you! You choose this every day - so you do this to yourself!

 

YOU can stop doing this to yourself too!

 

And you CAN help it! Stop believing your lies you tell yourself to stay in this toxic 'relationship'.

 

You give and he takes. That will never equal a balanced and loving union.

Edited March 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[S2B]

I told him that I couldn't talk to him today because it was too tough for me knowing he was leaving for vacation with her. I didn't ghost him, he was aware that I wasn't going to be on the app we use to talk today. He was the one who acted annoyed that I actually did what I said I would and not talk today. I don't see that as manipulation on my part but I do admit that I was surprised that he acted like it bothered him I didn't check his message

 

He's just mad you might actually find a real man who is capable of OFFERING you a happy future.

 

[]He's not thinking about you being happy! []

 

He will hurt you more and more. How much more do you take?

 

It's just not right that you stay while he hurts you this way. That's not love - that's abuse.

Edited March 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content and member moderated

[imsosad]

Why did he follow up with the messages?

I know what you want to hear.

He did it because he cares. He misses you. Maybe he is secretly in love with you. You want to hear that he followed up because this means something to him.

 

Sadly, that is not the case.

 

He followed up because he has the sweetest deal ever going on with you. He figures this vacation is a vulnerable moment,one that might set you off, so he's making sure you're still on board. []

 

Men dont hide their feelings. When a guy wants you, he lets you know. If this guy was in love with you and wanted something real with you, you would know for sure.

He has no hold over you.[]

 

He is not about to make everything ok. Only you can do that.

He has zero hold over you. All the power you think he has is imagined. It is power you handed over to him, time to take it back.

[]

Edited March 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs added and marginally topical content retained

[Darren Steez]

So I opened his messages after I knew he no longer had cell service on the ship. He started with a good morning message and said he understood why I was ypset and said I'll talk to you Monday when I have my cell service. He then sent another message at 12:00 after he saw I hadn't opened the morning one he sent at 8:00. The 12:00 message had a little different tone I think. He said, really, you aren't even going to check your messages? Then he said good night sweet dreams because we say that every night to each other when we sign off and I won't be able to talk to him while he is on the cruise.

 

Why is he throwing it back on me for not checking his messages? Isn't he supposed to be on vacation with his wife? Why is he so concerned with me opening his messages? I think he's not used to this from me. I always waiting hook line and sinker for him at his beckon call and this time I wasn't. Maybe he thinks he's losing control of me. Maybe he finally is.

 

The biggest thing about all this is how everything is

 

a) a reaction to what he's done/doing

b) being done with a gauge on his reaction/or how he will react

 

e.g I'm not checking my messages because he might do this/he might miss me

I checked my messages because he's out of coverage

What are in his messages, do they pertain to me

My actions might be eliciting this response or that response

 

None of your actions were because the man chose his family again and went off with his wife and you were cutting him off because you had enough and you were doing it strictly for yourself.

 

The path to self realisation is through acceptance of self and embracing yourself and your self worth.

 

Why be someone's 25% when you could be someone's 100% ?

[freengreen]

His micro moves are keeping you thinking for hours... his frivolous texts, in those tiny bored moments on the ship are swirling you all over.

 

How are you going to rationalise this utter disrepect towards yourself?.. Reminds me of Freddie Mercurys "dont stop me now, floating in ecstacy.... gonna make a supersonic man outta you"... your AP is just another little man stealing the cake... the armour you gave him dosnt even fit him.

 

Please think.

[FoundLove]

Take it from someone who's been in the same situation as you:

 

He is NEVER going to leave his wife for you.

 

If only someone told me that about 10 years ago, I would have gotten out before I got hurt.

[d0nnivain]

Actions speak louder than words. His actions: Paying for & going on a romantic cruise with his wife say that she will always be more important to him than you are.

 

 

Now that you know this, what do you want to do next?

[georgia girl]

Savannah,

 

I don't think you realize it, but your posts follow a familiar theme and as a result, are very telling. The post usually starts with some statement or deed where the MM has made it clear to you that he essentially chooses his wife. Then, there is a mitigating statement from you of how he showed you attention as well, although its usually exponentially less than what he's done/said for his wife. Then, you express frustration at attempting to understand what is in his head, when in your heart of hearts, you know exactly what's going on. You know he loves his wife and plans on staying with her and having his life with her be his primary life. You know that he is sometimes kind to you and takes advantage of the fact that you love him. You also know that sometimes you do things like ignore his messages as you did here to get a reaction out of him. It feels good... it's some sort of affirmation that he cares.

 

After all of this time, having poster after poster tell you to leave him isn't going to do you any good and I'm not going to tell you that. I'm also not going to put you down for loving him, although I will take issue with the idea that you "can't help" who you love or that he has a hold over you. That's fatalistic thinking that we use to affirm that we are meant to stay exactly where we are.

 

Instead, I am going to advise simply that you go find a counselor with whom you can work. Tell him or her everything. You seem to have a high degree of emotional intelligence when it comes to MM, use that same emotional intelligence on yourself. You do not have to commit to leaving him, demanding more, etc. Just start exploring you and how you feel. Asking you to leave a man you love is a huge lift - I know I've done it. Asking you to leave when he begs you back is even bigger. (I walked away from my fiance.) Asking you to leave when you love him, when he begs and when you think he's the only guy for you is nearly impossible. But with therapy and a real sounding board, you may realize that you don't really love him (as I suspect), but that you need him. You will begin to ferret out what your dreams are and they suddenly become more important than this one man. And then, my dear, you will have the strength to leave, if you so desire.

 

So, don't go to therapy with the thought that you need to gather the strength to leave - because I think that will defeat your efforts as you really don't want to leave. Go to therapy with the thought of talking it out with a therapist, having someone who can answer questions like the ones you post here and help you navigate this relationship to whether you stay or leave. I'm betting here that you will eventually WANT to leave. I could be wrong. But, I do think it will at least help you get your strength back and that can only improve your life (and quite honestly, your relationship with him if you become a stronger person).

 

I have to be very honest here, I REALLY hope that through therapy you will find yourself again and want more for and from yourself so that you dump him. But, the thing I want most for you is to find yourself.

 

Good luck, GG

[William]

Short version is thread was reviewed and a number of members are now moderated.

 

Please focus on the topical content, do not bring the thread starter's history into the current topic unless you quote and link to relevant content from their history, emphasis on content to this topic, and always approach the discussion in a civil and respectful manner.

 

Thanks!

[aileD]

Savannah. I hope you know things that were said were not said to hurt you. They were said to open your eyes to the reality of your situation. Sometimes you have to see things in black and white and blunt. There's no romanticism as our your situation. MM is going to continue to use you because you're letting him. Please stand up for yourself! You are worth more!

[sandylee1]

 

 

His words don't mean anything to me anymore.

 

Does that really matter if you don't do anything to change your situation though?

 

It just means you know, but continue to choose this for yourself.

[jenkins95]

(((Savannah)))

 

Please get out of the a now. Every day you stay in it will add a bit more pain and a bit more time to your recovery.

 

It maybe that he does have love for you and he doesn't want to hurt you, but it is inevitable in this situation that someone is going to be hurt.. .A lot. Probably several people.

 

I was the MM in an affair that ended nearly two years ago now. I didn't want to hurt my wife and never had any intention of leaving. Also, i didn't want to hurt the OW and had genuine feelings for her. I thought i could have it all and that no one need get hurt. Didn't turn out that way of course! We were all heartbroken in the end, and affairs nearly always lead to heartbreak. Oh how foolish my xOW and I were - i see it so clearly now, but couldn't see it at the time. Please leave now, S.

 

Good luck OP, we are here for you. Keep posting

[Savannah2]

Thank you all for posting. Your words truly do help me. He comes back from the cruise tomorrow. I have decided if he contacts me, I will tell him that I'm not ready to talk and leave it at that for now. Baby steps. I do need to get myself in counseling to figure out why I get in toxic relationships.

[BaileyB]

Thank you all for posting. Your words truly do help me. He comes back from the cruise tomorrow. I have decided if he contacts me, I will tell him that I'm not ready to talk and leave it at that for now. Baby steps. I do need to get myself in counseling to figure out why I get in toxic relationships.

 

You most definitely do. Good luck to you.

[wmacbride]

I just wish I could break free from the hold he has over me. He has me wrapped around his finger and he has to know it. I just wish for the day I feel nothing for him. I feel so out of control.. like I can't help my feelings for him and the feelings are so strong and powerful.

 

He has control because you allow him to.

 

Try turning your statement around and take ownership of your feelings and actions.

It would read " I let him wrap me around his finger, and I know it. "

 

I'm not saying this to be cruel,but because once you take ownership of your feelings and actions, you won't be at his whim any longer. you will be able to control your life and protect yourself from being hurt.

 

Let's be honest here. He doesn't care if he hurts you, so long a she gets his ego feed, and what could be a bigger boost than knowing you are on vacation and having fun and intimacy with your wife, meanwhile, you've got some other woman back on shore pining for you. He knows it's hurting you and he simply doesn't care.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't care at all about you, it's just that, if he has to choose between his comfort, pleasure and happiness, or not hurting you,which side does he continually choose? Your feelings are not incentive enough for him to stop, and you know this. You need to start treating yourself better than he's treating you.

[BuddyX]

Thank you all for posting. Your words truly do help me. He comes back from the cruise tomorrow. I have decided if he contacts me, I will tell him that I'm not ready to talk and leave it at that for now. Baby steps. I do need to get myself in counseling to figure out why I get in toxic relationships.

 

He doesn't need an explanation. Why bother answering the message? Just block him. I know it's difficult, but understand that he'll contact you, throw you some breadcrumbs (i.e. I was with my wife but thinking about you the whole time, blah blah blah) and the cycle begins.

[cocorico]

Savannah, perhaps you need to make a list for yourself of what you're actually getting from this R. It seems you're doing all the giving, but there must be something you're getting, to keep you invested. Does he make you feel good about yourself? Give you attention? Make you feel loved? What is it he provides, that you feel you'd lose if you dumped him?

[Savannah2]

As far as what I'm getting out of this.. i just enjoy talking to him. In the beginning, he used to compliment me a lot more but I can't really remember the last time he did. The relationship has become pretty one sided and I'm usually doing the chasing, complimenting..

 

There was a co worker being flirty with him last week and I got jealous.. he said to me I shouldn't worry because he couldn't manage another... not the response I wanted.. so in other words.. he wouldn't because HE couldn't manage another woman.. not anything to do with me or my feelings..

[BaileyB]

There was a co worker being flirty with him last week and I got jealous.. he said to me I shouldn't worry because he couldn't manage another...

 

He's a real gem .

 

The fact that he won't begin an affair with another woman, when he's already being unfaithful to his wife, definitely doesn't show strength of character. seriously, this guy is seriously entitled.

 

You would do well to just block him, don't give him any opportunity to get back into your life... And if you send him an email, that's exactly what you will be doing. Good luck with that.

[Midwestmissy]

Savannah, his mask is slipping. Everything he does or says is about getting what he wants. I'll bet he's incredulous and offended if you were to ever suggest such a thing. Remember, he's saying and doing all the same things to his wife. Please see how cruel this man is.

 

He will give his attention to the easiest mark, not the most valued, desirable or respected. The easiest mark requires the least amount of effort or cajoling. If you change your thinking to being offended by him instead of flattered, it'll be easier to walk away. He sounds like he will replace you quickly, because none of it is about you. Or his wife. And make sure you walk right to a therapist - it's so helpful to have a professional help sort these bad choices out. Being desired and led on by a married man isn't flattering. He's showing you who he really is.