Taxed Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Hi Savannah, I have tried the same as you with the vacations etc. For years! For some reason, I chose to stay every single time, hoping that things would change. Have you tried to explore all the possible reasons to why you stay? The only person holding you in this position is you - you can choose to walk away right now and start a better life. It will be so much better in just a few months, perhaps get into therapy and get to know yourself and learn to feel your true boundaries again. Link to post Share on other sites
gia37 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 As I'm in the same situation, obsessed w a MM, maybe you could keep friendship with him (as lame as it sounds, but that way u don't lose him completely that feels unbearable), and at the same time start dating other guys? At least that my plan;) Link to post Share on other sites
gia37 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Wanted to add - you have to empower yourself. Don't tell yourself negative things about yourself, putting himself on the pedestal. Dont listen what people here say about his hot sex life and intimacy with his wife. As a cheater he doesn't respect his wife and his home life is miserable. Never ever he can have loving sex and real intimacy with his wife, because he is a miserable and broken human being, with many issues and complexes. You are oversensitive towards him and these nasty remarks he makes are aimed to put you more down and thus keep you obsessed with him. Deep down he is afraid of losing you, you make him feel worthy. You can play this game with him only when you are equal - you enjoy what you have, but you have a life on the side, you date different guys to find the right one... Once you become empowered the whole dynamics might change and you might not even want him any more. I'm at the same place trust me.,. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 This is an addiction. Go cold turkey for a month ("detox") - change your phone number, keep your distance at work, get support where you can (here or from sympathetic family/friends). It will help to get the cravings out of your system, and you will learn a new pattern of behavior to follow in the meantime. It won't be fun, and it won't be all sunshine and roses at the end of it. But you will know that you never want to repeat that process again, and that will keep you from going back to him. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 As far as what I'm getting out of this.. i just enjoy talking to him. In the beginning, he used to compliment me a lot more but I can't really remember the last time he did. The relationship has become pretty one sided and I'm usually doing the chasing, complimenting.. If he doesn't compliment you anymore, doesn't reciprocate, why do you enjoy talking with him? Is he really that great a conversationalist? Like jah said, this sounds like you're knee-deep into the affair addiction. If you're anything like I was, simply seeing xMM's notification on my phone made me excited and giddy. I was like one of Pavlov's dogs, salivating at the sound of a bell even though you won't be getting any food. Jah's right. The only path out of this is detoxing. No contact. If you can't bear the thought, just try it as an experiment. Just give yourself 3 months away from him. Trust me, you'll feel much better by the end. And more able to make a rational decision about this man. Plus, after 3 months, I bet you'll see this man's true colors come out. I bet he'll go after that co-worker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 19, 2017 Author Share Posted March 19, 2017 I think the friendship part of us was manipulation too on his part. He only really seemed interested in my life when he was getting something from it. I see him do this with others as well and he is a user of people. He comes back tomorrow and for the first time I hope I don't hear from him. I don't think he really thought much of me while he was gone. That part won't really sink in until he has to go back to work because that's where we were always together. He is a master at compartmentalization. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storms Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I think the friendship part of us was manipulation too on his part. He only really seemed interested in my life when he was getting something from it. I see him do this with others as well and he is a user of people. He comes back tomorrow and for the first time I hope I don't hear from him. I don't think he really thought much of me while he was gone. That part won't really sink in until he has to go back to work because that's where we were always together. He is a master at compartmentalization. I think his goal was to make sure that you were still in place while he was gone. It really is all about "fake it til you make it". I can tell you from experience. I hope for your sake that you will realize this sooner than later. You don't have to hear from him when he gets back. You are in control, if you want to be. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 He comes back tomorrow and for the first time I hope I don't hear from him. Do you have a plan for what you are going to do if/when he contacts you? I try to plan ahead, but I'll admit Sunday nights are always kind of anxiety-provoking for me. Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Do you have a plan for what you are going to do if/when he contacts you? I try to plan ahead, but I'll admit Sunday nights are always kind of anxiety-provoking for me. How do avoid him at work? Have there been any repercussions from him for you breaking it off with him? I'm in a similar situation and don't know how to do NC at work. He is my manager. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I think the friendship part of us was manipulation too on his part. He only really seemed interested in my life when he was getting something from it. I see him do this with others as well and he is a user of people. He comes back tomorrow and for the first time I hope I don't hear from him. I don't think he really thought much of me while he was gone. That part won't really sink in until he has to go back to work because that's where we were always together. He is a master at compartmentalization. If he's blocked you can't hear from him. Link to post Share on other sites
ice3784 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 So he left today for a cruise. Just him and his wife. I'm sure he will have a grand time. I have been in tears. He messaged me three times today before they left. I didn't open them so I don't know what it said but I'm sure it's something like.. he's sorry and he will miss me. I told him last night I couldn't talk to him today I knew it was going to be very tough day for me. I've kept my word and have not talked to him. I'm proud of myself for that. It's something I've always threatened but never followed through. I'm guessing even he's probably surprised I did not open his messages. I just didn't want to see his messages saying the same thing he's said to me every time he goes on vacation with her. His words don't mean anything to me anymore. We are so similar, i know how u feels. But at least your MM is honest, you know in advance. Mine, lie straight to my eye. He said he is just going to visit the kids, but when i saw in her fb, they were going 4 hour drive for a family vacation in a resort. It was more then heart break. I wish i can just kill him for that but what can i do, he wants to have a family like a normal man does, with his children - plus a wife. Just the wife cant be me. Link to post Share on other sites
ice3784 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Hi, im in a relationship with a MM that are staying with me, he was at this moment trying to reconcile with his separated wife, he texted her behind me, go vacation...can you tell me how you ended it ? Link to post Share on other sites
ice3784 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 YMMV. I can kind of identify with savannah because mine did not treat me well either, so in that sense it was an addiction to someone toxic. You had a friendship with this man first so I can see how you could still be grieving that loss. I was "friends" with mine too, although in hindsight it was likely just manipulation on his part. That's the part I miss most, and it wasn't even real. In any case, when I'm feeling like I need him, I think about the pain I went through in breaking my addiction to him, and I know I can't ever go down that path again. You did do the right thing. Think about all the people who were being harmed by your actions, and know that you were the bigger, stronger person for doing something very difficult and changing it. Pride yourself on that. Hi, im in a relationship with a MM that are staying with me, he was at this moment trying to reconcile with his separated wife, he texted her behind me, go vacation...can you tell me how you ended it ? Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 How do avoid him at work? Have there been any repercussions from him for you breaking it off with him? I'm in a similar situation and don't know how to do NC at work. He is my manager. Tough one. Mine is a coworker who works in a different office so it's a bit easier. There haven't been any repercussions so far. I haven't been total NC, except for 6 weeks at the beginning of the year, and the two times we've been alone since then he's tried to restart it. So I'm trying not to be alone with him now. Hi, im in a relationship with a MM that are staying with me, he was at this moment trying to reconcile with his separated wife, he texted her behind me, go vacation...can you tell me how you ended it ? I changed my phone number at the beginning of the year. I was total NC for 6 weeks and then a therapist suggested I talk to him. So I've had a few bumps in the road but my main focus is staying away as much as possible. Eventually I'm probably going to have to find another job. That period of total NC really helped me "detox" from the addiction though. And yes, I still have cravings sometimes, but not nearly as bad as it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 20, 2017 Author Share Posted March 20, 2017 Well he got back today and the first thing he did was message me saying good morning and he wAs heading home. That was at 7:15 Am I don't even think he was off the ship. That's all really. I responded with I'm not ready to talk to him and I don't know if I can get past this. He just responded with an ok. Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 You are reading way too much in to nothing. It means nothing that he texted you so early. Seriously, how hard is it to write 'good morning' ? Takes about 10 seconds and zero effort. He wants to know it's still on with you. The fact that you responded tells him, yep,it's on. It doesnt matter what you wrote, you immediately gave him attention. He figures you're pissed with him, but 'ok' doesnt exactly show concern, does it? He knows you'll come around soon enough. Once you decide it really is O V E R you need to stick to NC like your life depends on it. Every time you break it or give in, you will lose faith in yourself that you can do this and he will take you even less seriously. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 He didnt even dock and disrespecting you already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 ACTIONS speak louder than words, my dear. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Unreal ! I can't find one nice girl to go out with and this clown has two !!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storms Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Well he got back today and the first thing he did was message me saying good morning and he wAs heading home. That was at 7:15 Am I don't even think he was off the ship. That's all really. I responded with I'm not ready to talk to him and I don't know if I can get past this. He just responded with an ok. He needed to make sure you were still there, in your proper place (waiting for him). Your response told him that you will soon be ready to talk to him and that you will get past this soon enough, and all will be as it was before. So he was reassured ("ok") and he could stop thinking about it and move on to other things. At some point you will see this; it will become clear to you, and hopefully you will respond accordingly (which is to not respond). That is my wish for you - to be free of this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 20, 2017 Author Share Posted March 20, 2017 I have this strong overwhelming urge to anonymously tell his wife. Why should he be able to get away with this. I saw her pictures of their cruise together on FB. I hate him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Tell her. That will 100% end things. You'll never have to worry about him bothering you again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I have this strong overwhelming urge to anonymously tell his wife. Why should he be able to get away with this. I saw her pictures of their cruise together on FB. I hate him. Why anonymously? As a BS, I would want to know. But you do it anonymously, it is an easy way for it to be dismissed. And if you tell her, you better come with some proof. Because he will explain it all away. You will be some crazy stalker woman. Trust me on this. Have proof. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storms Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Why anonymously? As a BS, I would want to know. But you do it anonymously, it is an easy way for it to be dismissed. And if you tell her, you better come with some proof. Because he will explain it all away. You will be some crazy stalker woman. Trust me on this. Have proof. I agree. It would be a very effective way of putting an end to things, because if you did that, he would run straight to his BS to fix things and you would be smashed by that bus he threw you under. But it would be the right thing for her to know, and a good way for you to get out of a bad situation. I know it hurt to see those photos. Please stop looking at his FB page. You are torturing yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I have this strong overwhelming urge to anonymously tell his wife. Why should he be able to get away with this. Don't do it out of revenge. Do it because it is the right thing to do. If you had a H that was cheating, wouldn't you like to know? Link to post Share on other sites
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