MM and vacation with wife [UPDATE He's applying for another job]

[OWAmy]

I think at this stage so many years in and because he has used you in such a degrading manner that you should get yourself out of this BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE. I really do - WHATEVER IT TAKES. I don't think you have the strength to say no and need help with this. Tell his wife - expose this man and let her decide based on evidence whether she will stay or leave. He's never going to end it. Your not. Exposure will.

[waterwoman]

I think you are right. Tell her. You don't have the strength. He doesn't have the motivation. Let someone else have a crack at it.

[freengreen]

I think you are right. Tell her. You don't have the strength. He doesn't have the motivation. Let someone else have a crack at it.

 

You mean crack the crack out of it...+1 to that!

[Scarlett94]

Hon I'm a BW. Tell her.

I knew something was going on but he made me think I was going crazy. He went so far as to threaten divorce if I accused him again.

 

He was never going to divorce me. I got diamond earrings so big during his affair that I thought they were fake lol. A ten grand upgraded wedding ring. A brand new Cadillac he paid cash for etc. Maybe it was guilt I don't know.

What did she get? Giving blow jobs in a car at the side of the road or quickie sex once a month and a few phone calls. Is that all your worth?

 

But I do know that I wish someone would have told me. It's been over two years since the proverbial under the bus toss and I still haven't gotten over it.

 

Please don't continue to do this to someone else. I found out shortly before my child senior year in high school. There was no way I could leave.

 

You are destroying someone else's life who has done NOTHING to you.

Please tell so she can make an informed decision about HER life.

 

Want to know day my life is like now? I have no trust, every glance he makes is suspect, I have anxiety attacks, I hate myself for staying and I hate him and her for doing this to me. Neither one of you have the right to destroy another person but that is what you are doing.

 

Think about it.

[Taxed]

Yeah, how long has this been going on now - 5 years or more? I guess at this point your mind, body and soul is completely infected with MM and there is no room for anything or anyone else but him.

 

Do you know who you are, what you stand for and what you want from life for yourself, defined by and for you alone?

 

Do you remember which day it is today and who your friends are?

 

What else makes your life worth living but him?

 

Cut him off and I think that telling his wife will help both you and her. She lives in the dark. You would need to prepare for the potential fallout, though.

[Savannah2]

I know this won't be the last affair he finds himself in so he will either eventually leave her for his next affair partner or she will leave him once she finds out.

[SoleMate]

I know this won't be the last affair he finds himself in so he will either eventually leave her for his next affair partner or she will leave him once she finds out.

Sure, maybe, whatever. Why would you want YOUR life and YOUR relationship to have any dependence on the actions of a married couple? I suggest you start thinking about what YOU will be doing, not them.

[whichwayisup]

I have this strong overwhelming urge to anonymously tell his wife. Why should he be able to get away with this. I saw her pictures of their cruise together on FB. I hate him.

 

Good. Get pissed off! You should be. At him and at yourself for allowing this affair to continue.

 

If you tell his wife, own it! You apologize to her for your part in helping her husband cheat on her. Don't send an annon. note, that's not right. You answer all that she needs to know.

 

You knew going in he was married and still chose to have an affair with a MM. You're not a victim in this mess.

[whichwayisup]

I know this won't be the last affair he finds himself in so he will either eventually leave her for his next affair partner or she will leave him once she finds out.

 

Whatever happens in their marriage isn't your business. You get NO say about how he suffers or his consequences. Worry about yourself, not him.

 

Nobody knows if she'll stay or leave. What counts is what YOU DO and hopefully it's getting professional counseling so you can process this in a healthy way and grieve the loss, let go of him so you can find happiness again.

[Maddieandtae]

Savannah I have a friend in a affair going on ten years that is very similar to your affair. The affair is played out exclusively in her apartment, if he wants takeout while he is there she buys it and no money is pitched in on his part. Blinds are closed while he is there and windows are closed while he smokes in her apartment. He gets sex each and every visit even though he doesn't text or talk to her in between visits. She's not going to end it, I can only see it ending when he does it. So maybe you just need to admit to yourself that you are staying in this situation until he ends it? I don't want my friend or you to do it this way it's just I can see you both focusing on the wife and what is wrong with her. It's never about the married man:(

[drypuddle]

I've been the OW that exposed him to his wife. Let me tell you, it is really effective at ending the affair! Afterwards I felt relief for being out of the affair but then I also struggled with knowing the devastation I rained down on her heart. I sent an email providing indisputable proof of the affair so he wasn't able to explain it away, but also tried to be considerate of the proof I provided so as to not rub salt in the wound.

Edited March 21, 2017 by drypuddle

[wmacbride]

When I read stories like this, it makes me wonder if the woman ( or man) involved would be so accommodating of poor treatment if it was physical instead of emotional and mental.

 

In other words, if you would never allow someone to hurt you by hitting you, why do you allow them to hurt you with words and actions? why would you put up with behavior in an A that you would, up until that point, never have accepted in a "regular" relationship?

 

I guess if someone has been putting up with it for a long time, it becomes the below normal, and your brain can almost rewire itself to expect, accept and excuse hurtful behavior from their relationship partner.

[Whoknew30]

Telling on your AP bc one is too weak to end themselves is the lowest thing one can do IMO...the logic behind it is what got one into an A to begin with.

 

I know it's hard, I've been in an A & I was the one that confessed, had my OM told on me, I would completely hate his guts. It's like blaming the drug dealer in you being an addict. There will always be WS, just as there will always be drug dealers. If one can't control themselves, they shouldn't put the blame on anyone else.

 

Is he a jerk, yes but that's his problem & his wife's problem...you've "made it" your problem. One of the nice things about being the AP & not the spouse, is you get to walk away problem free...but the whole telling is only transfer of frustration bc the AP couldn't get the WS to leave their marriage.

 

Worry about yourself...get into therapy. You're going to carry what's wrong with you way after the A & compound your problems with having a BW hating your guts...how does that help you? You're an adult not a child that has no options...make an adult decision to help yourself, away from him. Good luck

[Birdies]

Telling on your AP bc one is too weak to end themselves is the lowest thing one can do IMO...the logic behind it is what got one into an A to begin with.

 

I know it's hard, I've been in an A & I was the one that confessed, had my OM told on me, I would completely hate his guts. It's like blaming the drug dealer in you being an addict. There will always be WS, just as there will always be drug dealers. If one can't control themselves, they shouldn't put the blame on anyone else.

 

Is he a jerk, yes but that's his problem & his wife's problem...you've "made it" your problem. One of the nice things about being the AP & not the spouse, is you get to walk away problem free...but the whole telling is only transfer of frustration bc the AP couldn't get the WS to leave their marriage.

 

Worry about yourself...get into therapy. You're going to carry what's wrong with you way after the A & compound your problems with having a BW hating your guts...how does that help you? You're an adult not a child that has no options...make an adult decision to help yourself, away from him. Good luck

 

Ending an affair, and informing the betrayed spouse and giving the person back some autonomy and control over their marriage, is the "lowest of the low"? Errrrrrr I don't follow that logic AT ALL.

 

Savannah, I agree with most of the others. This guy is a POS who doesn't even PRETEND to care about you. You deserve better, and his wife deserves better than to be uninformed about his activities. Telling her will solve both of those issues. Good luck!

[aileD]

Savannah

 

If you end up with him, what do you think it will be like?

 

I think deep down inside you know that you'll shift from the person he's cheating WITH to the person he's cheating ON

 

Is yet really what you want for your life? Is this?

[wmacbride]

Ending an affair, and informing the betrayed spouse and giving the person back some autonomy and control over their marriage, is the "lowest of the low"? Errrrrrr I don't follow that logic AT ALL.

 

Savannah, I agree with most of the others. This guy is a POS who doesn't even PRETEND to care about you. You deserve better, and his wife deserves better than to be uninformed about his activities. Telling her will solve both of those issues. Good luck!

 

While I 100 percent agree that the bs deserves to know, there is something about the idea that the ow should add more hurt tot he bs because she sin;t strong enough to walk away that is troubling.

 

It would be different if it the ow wanted to tell the W because she felt bad and wanted her to know. That is not the same thing as telling because she's too weak to let the mm go and she needs someone else to do it for her.

At what point has she caused enough harm to the bs?

[Birdies]

While I 100 percent agree that the bs deserves to know, there is something about the idea that the ow should add more hurt tot he bs because she sin;t strong enough to walk away that is troubling.

 

It would be different if it the ow wanted to tell the W because she felt bad and wanted her to know. That is not the same thing as telling because she's too weak to let the mm go and she needs someone else to do it for her.

At what point has she caused enough harm to the bs?

 

Yeah I hear you, for sure. I just think any motivation to end the affair and to inform the BS is better than no motivation and letting it continue. It doesn't sound like she'd be doing it out of spite toward the BS and would probably/hopefully be as delicate as possible.

 

Having been an OW and WW myself, I just think ending it is better than dragging it out, period. I can relate to the feeling of an inability to cut it off. I knew, KNEW that we needed to end ours....but it was so hard putting that into practice. DDay was what did it.

[aileD]

It's called being accountable.

 

The only time I do t think an AP should tell the WS is after the affair is ended and they've ageeed to NC. At that point, you're free....and their marriage is non of your business and will just get you back into drama with the MM by popping up in their lives again.

[wmacbride]

Yeah I hear you, for sure. I just think any motivation to end the affair and to inform the BS is better than no motivation and letting it continue. It doesn't sound like she'd be doing it out of spite toward the BS and would probably/hopefully be as delicate as possible.

 

Having been an OW and WW myself, I just think ending it is better than dragging it out, period. I can relate to the feeling of an inability to cut it off. I knew, KNEW that we needed to end ours....but it was so hard putting that into practice. DDay was what did it.

 

I makes me feel bad for all of the people involved in the situation, as none of them sound like they are truly happy, and they are all living a lie.

 

It's sad.

[Purepony]

Why would you waste your time telling the wife ?

 

I think it makes you look needy and insecure but that's just me anyone wanna chime in on this ?

[Lovetoo]

This is all very sad. He doesn't treat you well. When you think of grieving the loss of him, what do you think you'll miss/grieve the most?

 

Probably the texts? I was going to say nothing till I thought about the fact that you said he texts you a lot. My ex mm didn't. Honestly we didn't communicate everyday or nearly enough for me. I didn't know he was married though, so it explained a lot.

 

Anywho, I hate the read how he treats you. Almost like an object. He can pleasure himself in the closet at work. You are a woman. Capable of and deserving of love. You deserve a man who wants to make love to you. Only you. Wants you to birth his children. Wants to go on vacay with you. Post photos of you.

 

To me, telling his wife takes courage. More courage than I have presently. I get nervous just thinking about what I'd say. What would you be expecting to happen as a result? Would you be ok if she took his side and thought of you as a persistent, home wrecker?

 

I almost want to tell you to go smoke some weed or sum, maybe it'll make you forget what he does for you. Which is all psychological.

 

He is an a whole.

Baby, I certainly hope things work out. I hope you find love. Love like you never imagined existed. And that God will be at the center of it.

[BaileyB]

What do you stand to gain from telling his wife?

And, what do you stand to loose...

[basil67]

Why would you waste your time telling the wife ?

 

I think it makes you look needy and insecure but that's just me anyone wanna chime in on this ?

 

I agree. If I was the BS, I'd see you as a trouble maker with a bad case of sour grapes. In all likelihood, I'd tear strips off you.

[Lovetoo]

I agree. If I was the BS, I'd see you as a trouble maker with a bad case of sour grapes. In all likelihood, I'd tear strips off you.

 

So you're saying you wouldn't want to know? Or you wouldn't want to know only in her case?

 

I'm not married so I can't say what I'd want. I don't think I'd want to be in the dark because I'd never want to catch an std or find out he has a baby.

 

I just don't know. That's a hard one.

[BaileyB]

In this case, given the nature of the transgression, I don't know that it would mean much to this couple. It's not an emotional affair, they haven't really had sex...

 

I'm quite sure that he will say that it is a lie, or it meant nothing, or perhaps that she was chasing him... And as such, OP will be seen as a woman who was rejected and wanted to cause trouble. And as such, I imagine that they will continue on with their life without perhaps, as much as a second thought... And I'm quite sure, if the opportunity presents, he will cheat again... But, that is their path to walk...

 

In my humble opinion, you have nothing to gain by telling the wife. But, you have your dignity and self respect to lose. I wouldn't do it. There is grace and dignity in knowing where you don't belong and moving on...