MM and vacation with wife [UPDATE He's applying for another job]

[Tressugar]

I think the OP needs to process her feelings in her own time. Everyone who's been in her shoes never listened to a sound person's advice. Then why do you feel she'll listen? When she has her own epiphany then and only then she'll change.

 

Pain is the greatest motivator when you see great changes made.

[Whoknew30]

Ending an affair, and informing the betrayed spouse and giving the person back some autonomy and control over their marriage, is the "lowest of the low"? Errrrrrr I don't follow that logic AT ALL.

 

Savannah, I agree with most of the others. This guy is a POS who doesn't even PRETEND to care about you. You deserve better, and his wife deserves better than to be uninformed about his activities. Telling her will solve both of those issues. Good luck!

 

Doing it while pretending it's for the BS is the lowest of the low! It's not for the BS or is all of a sudden such a caring jester...it's strictly bc one didn't the object of their affection away from their spouse.

 

In this case, had OP been in vacation with OM, she wouldn't want to all of a sudden let the poor BA know about her H.

 

It's ALL selfish thinking & it's has nothing to with the BS...if one feels so bad one shouldn't having sex with a married person to begin with. She needs to find her own strength & not continue the selfish thinking. Their marriage is none of her concern.

 

How nice, one decides to have sex with a married person & when they can't get that married person to leave their spouse, now they "must" tell the BS for their own good...yeah, it's such a positive step...bottom

Line it's revenge bc they did t get their way, in the mess they created for themselves.

 

I'm all for telling when a person is doing it out of actual love...not when they're doing it bc they didn't get their way. It's no different thinking then what likes them into an A..."I don't get my way, I'll do what makes me feel better".

[Whoknew30]

Actually that logic is just as bad as the MM she's so upset with & OP you're not going to improve your life by being just as selfish as him.

 

Stop blaming him for your own choices...you did things bc you wanted to do them. It's ok to be hurt, hurt & shame teach you life lessons & makes you stronger...but don't fool yourself to think that right now you're character is any different from his...you're thinking is just st selfish.

[BaileyB]

Exactly. Stop blaming him for your choices...

 

You are the one who has been engaging with this man in a very inappropriate way. YOU could have very easily made the decision to tell him where to go and walk away... But, YOU didn't do that.

 

There is nothing to be gained from telling his wife. The only reason why you would do that is to get back at this man - who sadly, doesn't seem to care all that much anyway.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

@BaileyB I do not agree with your ideology tho. I was the Other woman and i told his wife for so many reasons but most importantly for him never to come back and for me to move on! Only i understood the emotional torture and manipulation he had played on me! I had broken up with him months before but he found his way back only for him to break up with me and claim being born again using Almighty God as an excuse. Even though we sin,common at some point you have to fear God. That i wasnt going to have and i was done. he already knew my focus had shifted as he constantly told me he could see my mind wasnt in the relationship anymore, he knew he had lost me before he broke up with me.

 

The day he broke up with me and told me he was born again, i was stark naked and he was insisting that i shouldnt put them on, he followed me to the bathroom and there were so many mixed signals. I take full responsibility for allowing him back in. But i also took full responsibility for my involvement by apologizing physically to his wife in tears. My conscience was already having an awakening but i was fully awake on this day. Even though i didnt tell her any gory details that cud spoil their marriage like his other affairs and children outside his home and he kept on lieing in front of me, claiming he was going to tell her at the right time. that didnt matter to me, i just wanted to apologize for getting involved as it dawned on me i was gravely misled. he was who he was and wouldnt change.

 

What i have found is that there is no right or wrong way to do things in this world and only God has the power to say things should be done in this way or that way. i for one believe its true integrity facing your wrong instead of cowardly shying from it! The xMM has been a serial cheat from after year one of his marriage. i dont believe he will change but yet again only God Knows and thats his problem. I am finding my happiness again before he brought me into his mess. i truly feel free and whether his wife comes at me tomorrow even though she says she has forgiven me, i have nothing to hide and will face her for truly in my heart i am remorseful putting aside my pain. its likes the load of living a life of lies has been lifted. all i can see is clear clouds ahead. No more lies!

 

@Savannah2, Tell her if you must to set yourself free... What ever you could do to break the bond do it! You didnt destroy his home, he did when he made that choice. What you did was to accommodate/tolerate his bad behavior and for this you hurt someone else. So tell her if you must to break the chain. That's standing up for yourself but pls dont forget to learn the lesson.

 

Also know after you tell her, you will go through a bit of guilt but trust me you are doing the right thing and you will get past it. you can only start living a life of integrity when you own your truth!

 

The xMM knows i have his wife's number and so that alone will discourage him from ever contacting me cos of fear that i will call her. Even though i have deleted her number and blocked his. Do not be bothered whether they stay together or not, trust me you were the other woman and endured the pain, you will get past that phase knowing fully well who he is and you will see eventually u were the one who got away.

 

Forget the MM and what you feel. You could also focus on the spiritual/ moral wrongness of this affair based on your religion.

Edited March 22, 2017 by HeartbrokenDec29

[HeartbrokenDec29]

@Savannah2 i will leave you with this and know surely this is true:

 

Once a person bad mouths others to gain favour with you. Know surely they will lie and manipulate other people's perception of who they are and their role. yet again, manipulating the perception of you with others.

 

Dont bug your head one bit. YOU GAIN TWO THINGS to say the least: 1) You walk away with the true picture of who they really are 2) You get to thank God everyday of your life cos thats one evil out of your way.

[Savannah2]

He told me that there is a job opening somewhere else that will benefit his family and he is going to apply He will only see me at work so he knows by leaving our workplace, he is ultimately ending this after five years. He says he doesn't know what to do. I think he wants an out and knows this is truly the only way to put an end to this. Many of you on here have followed my story for years and given me support and guidance in my darkest times. I never had the strength to end it no matter how bad it got. I guess now he's going to do it for me. I feel like I'm drowning when I think about not seeing him everyday. We are a big part of each other's daily lives for over five years.

[Grey Cloud]

I know it feels like your heart is being wrenched out but trust me it's the best outcome that can happen. This is how my A ended - when xMM found another job. I didn't know how I would cope not seeing him everyday. Especially for you after 5 years it will be difficult (my A was one year). My xMM was also moving on to end the A, as we both tried to end but kept falling back into the same patterns seeing each other every day.

 

So for you it's the only way to break free. This is your chance! The first 3 months will be awful but after 12 months you will be feeling a lot happier, more like your normal self and it will give you greater clarity and perspective as to why you allowed yourself to go down that path with him.

 

I know you can't probably breathe right now but look at this as a positive not a negative.

Edited April 1, 2017 by Grey Cloud

[whichwayisup]

He's doing the kindest thing for you by leaving his job. It totally ends the affair and gives you a real chance to let go, grieve the loss and find "you" again. When was the last time you were truly happy and felt at peace? Without tears, without feeling anxiety?

 

Do counseling to help you cope with letting go in a healthy way.

[Chica80]

We are a big part of each other's daily lives for over five years .

 

 

No....we like to think so..... the truth is he is your whole life, or it feels like it, but you are only a small part of his.

[HappyAgain2014]

He's going on vacations with his wife and applying for another job with his family's interests in mind.

 

How can you not see that none of these decisions are about you being a priority?

 

So many OW avoid ending affairs because they think the end justify the means. They believe the affair was ok if they end up with the man so accepting the affair wasn't the start of a legitimate relationship is too much to deal with.

 

It's really the best outcome. It frees you up for a real chance of happiness with someone who is truly yours.

[sandylee1]

He told me that there is a job opening somewhere else that will benefit his family and he is going to apply...

 

He says he doesn't know what to do.

I think he knows what to do.

 

I think he wants an out and knows this is truly the only way to put an end to this.

You're right. He knows you won't ever end it, so leaving the workplace is the only way it will be over for good.

 

I guess now he's going to do it for me. I feel like I'm drowning when I think about not seeing him everyday.

 

We are a big part of each other's daily lives for over five years.

 

I think he's a big part of your life, but not so sure he'd consider you to be a big part of his life.

 

The sooner he moves on with employment the better and the sooner you can start to get over it and look forward to a brighter future.

[gia37]

I know how badly it hurts... my EA MM works in the same building as me, it would hurt as hell if I wouldnt see him at work every week.

 

Maybe it helps a little if you think this way... Your MM doesnt apply for another job out of pity for you, to end it for you, but mainly for himself, because this situation is torturous for him as well, whatever he might say (and he behaves like jerk and says hurtful things on purpose to protect himself; I know these guys too well). He leaves, because it hurts him as well.

And whatever people might say here, he doesnt do it out of love for his wife and family bla ba (for kids maybe if he has kids) , because if he loved his wife he would do what he does with you.

 

He is in a painful situation and he tries to save himself and get out of it... when we are in pain, we think mainly of ourselves.

[BaileyB]

I think he's a big part of your life, but not so sure he'd consider you to be a big part of his life.

 

The sooner he moves on with employment the better and the sooner you can start to get over it and look forward to a brighter future.

 

This is it. Best that he move on and you really need to let him go. See this decision as the gift that it is...

 

It does free you up for a relationship with a man who is actually available and can bring you happiness. But, definitely take care not to find yourself in a very unhealthy situation like this again... Good luck to you.

Edited April 2, 2017 by BaileyB

[trolloperative]

He probably reconnected with his wife while on vacation.

 

You will need to find a different job also and perhaps move. Any place youve been together will send you down a spiral of depression.. work most of all.

 

Plan now. Therapy. Vacations, classes, anything to keep you occupied.

[trolloperative]

This wont be easy.

[Bittersweetie]

Savannah, I hope you can see a counselor to figure out why you stayed so long despite his poor treatment of you. To figure out why you could not end things yourself. Yes, it is good that it will be over, but again you are just letting something happen to you rather than taking the initiative in your own life. Why? I hope you can learn why so you never find yourself in a similar situation again. Good luck.

[aileD]

No....we like to think so..... the truth is he is your whole life, or it feels like it, but you are only a small part of his.

 

That^^^^^

 

And this:

He probably reconnected with his wife while on vacation

 

I'm sorry. Prepare yourself because this will be difficult but it's really the best thing for you.

[georgia girl]

Savannah,

 

First, let me say I am sorry for your pain. This has to hurt very badly. I had an ex that I was still hung up on and when I found out he was moving, while a part of me knew it was the best thing, another part was devestated.

 

Take this time between now and then to slowly begin the process of extricating yourself and healing. He may or may not leave but the fact he was willing to leave the only place where you have a relationship means he was willing to leave you, too. Use that thought - and the pain and anger that come with it - to begin fueling your own recovery. No one you love should unilaterally hurt you with aforethought. Regardless of his motivations, use his actions to fuel yourself and begin to slowly raise the bar of what behavior of his is acceptable to you. Once you begin doing that, I think it will help you to begin healing.

 

I echo others and strongly advise counseling. You could have your own advocate and your own personal sounding board that would help you make sense of your relationship in a way that supports you and strengthens you for whatever lies ahead. Through counseling, you can explore your feelings, your situation and how to make the right decisions for you. You are not weak to need counseling. I know CEOs who go to counseling and they're some of the most well-adjusted people I know. Counseling gives you safe ground to find your feet without pressure to leave, stay, etc.

 

Savannah, although this is going to hurt you terribly, I think this is one of those situations where your MMis being cruel to be kind. I think he has to do this, for everyone's sake. I am especially pleased that you will be the primary beneficiary. At some point down the road when you are completely over him, you will be able to look back at this time and him and at least smile. This is one time when he will have done something truly wonderful for you. Yes, his family and he will also benefit, but I am mostly pleased for what this will give to you.

 

Good luck, Savannah. These are tough days ahead, but I think you will survive them. The death of hope is the toughest part but it is the part that ultimately leads to healing. Godspeed.

[bathtub-row]

I'm going to chime in here. Five years? You're wasting some very precious years of your life on a dead end relationship. He is NOT a big part of your life. That's in your imagination. He's in the peripheral of your life and he has no intention of changing that. And that "ok" comment he made when you said you might not be able to get past the cruise thing, is just him acting calm about it so that you'll change your mind. He makes choice after choice in favor of his family, not in favor of you. You're going to end up alone if you're not careful, and he'll end up fine -- with his life still fully intact. This is not romantic. It is the worst choice of your life and I'd truly recommend that you exit this situation now before another day goes by. I'm sure you won't do it though. You think this tiny hold you have on him means something. But it doesn't. In the great scheme of things, it doesn't.

 

Also, I'd recommend that you turn off the thing on your phone that shows whether you've read a message or not. You're being too open, too transparent to someone who's life is completely closed off to you.

 

Trust that gut reaction you had when you found out about the cruise. Anytime we ignore our instincts, we pay a big price. I hope you realize that your instincts are screaming at you and you're ignoring them. This will only end badly.

Edited April 4, 2017 by bathtub-row

[Kat Keller]

I have this strong overwhelming urge to anonymously tell his wife. Why should he be able to get away with this. I saw her pictures of their cruise together on FB. I hate him.

 

Savannah,

 

 

You willingly engage in an affair with a married man and you had to know that he'd do things with his wife like most married men do. It's normal. Simply because you are angry and jealous of his relationship with his wife doesn't make it appropriate for you to now try to ruin his marriage. That is a reflection of you, not him in this particular instance.

 

 

You saw those pictures and it hurt. I don't think your feelings are invalid but what did you expect going onto FB and looking? That they wouldn't post photos like any normal married couple during/after a vacation who uses social media? I think you know better. Why torture yourself needlessly? You can't blame that on him.

 

 

I think you have to accept the reality of the situation. You are called, "the other woman" for a reason. You aren't his wife and so in most cases she will be the priority, she will be the one going on trips, she will be the one posted on his social media, she will be the one who get the majority of his time. He has obligations to his wife and if you are engaging with him in an affair then the reality is you accepted his marriage as part of the deal. So now to out him because you have an attitude about a planned vacation he had with his wife is absolutely unfair and very petty.

 

 

Bottom line: If you can't take that he is married then you have to step back from him and look for another outlet such as a single man who doesn't have obligations to his wife because pretty much any married man that you are with is going to have to do things with his spouse and family. That's just how it is...doesn't mean that he may not care for you or want to spend time with you but it does mean that his priority list can't have you at the top in most scenarios.

 

 

From what I read, it seems like he has no interest in being much more than a friends with benefits situation with you. If you can't accept that position in his life then simply leave him alone but to ruin his life, his wife's life, and possibly his children's lives (if he has any) over a choice that YOU made with him knowingly is below the belt to me...No one dragged you kicking and screaming into an affair with him.

 

 

Maybe stepping back and recognizing that you can't actually handle an affair is the reality you need to accept.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Kat Keller

[Kat Keller]

(the OP) engaged in the affair with the married man of her own free will. To ruin his marriage over her hurt feelings because he spent time with his wife (which should be expected as he's not a single man) after the fact IN THIS CASE is simply unfair. No one was forced here.

 

 

The nature of extramarital affairs dictates that they are between the two people involved. They both make a mutual decision to engage in it secretly and because someone (as the OP of this thread) finds themselves disgruntled then wants to start ruining lives by divulging what the AP has done with them is hypocritical and unreasonable.

 

 

I am not of the opinion that there is never a time for a spouse to be informed of infidelity. I'm saying THIS situation as related by the OP is simply unwarranted and she even mentions herself that she did it out of hurt not because she actually cared about his wife.

Edited April 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Kat Keller]

I think it's safe to assume she wasn't concerned with "actually caring about his wife".

 

the OP could take her power back by ending it completely with her MM. Then she could begin a. Ew and improved life.

 

Indeed. The OP stated why she wanted to do it and it wasn't because of any concern for his wife so no one needed to really assume since she gave that information.

 

 

As far as her power is concerned... absolutely in agreement with your point. Unfortunately, sometimes when emotions are running so high people don't always make the most sound decisions about ending something detrimental to themselves right away. Takes longer for some people. I got the impression that is why she came here seeking support and a chance to vent her feelings about it. I'm glad she was able to find the outlet.

[Savannah2]

at this point, I hope he does leave and I'm finally able to free myself of this. It's been five years and it will never change. I've been doing a lot of reading up on love addiction and separation attachment disorder and omg I realize now that I have been this way with every man in my life since dating. I could never let them go even when I knew the relationship was not right. I'm starting to understand the reasons why and it's helping me see this situation differently. It's not MM I cannot live without because he doesn't even treat me good. It's the validation and abandonment issues i have.

[aileD]

Savannah,

 

I am happy to see you doing a lot of self introspection! Keep it up. A healthy you will attract a healthy partner. Your choices in the past have been indicative of your unhealthiness. Unhealthy attracts unhealthy. Healthy attracts healthy.

 

Keep up the self care