Why mind movies if betrayed but not with past?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Men have a harder time with the PA because a good Man and Husband wants to please his wife in every way. Not only does he want to be a good companion, provider and father to your children, but deep down inside he wants to be the best you ever had. To leave you satisfied and wanting no other. Superman.

 

It isn't just the thought of your sexual acts with the AP.

 

It is the thought that you enjoyed it...immensely.

 

Call it sexist if you wish. But most Men call it torture.

 

yeah ...not so much

you can speculate all you want..

 

in our case...he was the ONLY man i ever had...I was not the only woman he ever had

 

does that make a difference...I am sure it does

 

but i think your post is like...total speculation

[JohnAdams]

My issues never had anything to do with are my kids my kids. For one thing, unfortunately, they look like me. Actually they have the best of both Mrs. JA and me.

 

My issue is my wife sharing something this intimate with someone else. Not just sex, but, extremely intimate sex. Giving "her best" to another man.

 

You suddenly realize you are not so special. You can be easily replaced. That you meant so little. You realize she never loved you as much as you thought. You realize the person you put all your trust in cannot be trusted. You realize the innocence of your love and marriage is gone forever.

 

You are left with a sickening porn movie. The whole cuckold, hot wife theme is not my thing.

 

I guess if the sex thing is not enough, there are the emotions, the feelings of inadequacies enforced by words, and the doubt about the whole marriage.

 

Infidility is a life changer. Mind movies are just one of the new things it adds to your life.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My issues never had anything to do with are my kids my kids. For one thing, unfortunately, they look like me. Actually they have the best of both Mrs. JA and me.

 

My issue is my wife sharing something this intimate with someone else. Not just sex, but, extremely intimate sex. Giving "her best" to another man.

 

You suddenly realize you are not so special. You can be easily replaced. That you meant so little. You realize she never loved you as much as you thought. You realize the person you put all your trust in cannot be trusted. You realize the innocence of your love and marriage is gone forever.

 

You are left with a sickening porn movie. The whole cuckold, hot wife theme is not my thing.

 

I guess if the sex thing is not enough, there are the emotions, the feelings of inadequacies enforced by words, and the doubt about the whole marriage.

 

Infidility is a life changer. Mind movies are just one of the new things it adds to your life.

 

maybe as time goes by love...those things will diminish...33 down....33 to go

[Heathen]

Hats off to a 33 year plus Marriage. Certainly not my place to question the validity. 33 years is real love, not a fixer upper.

 

Anyway, as a new poster I don't wish to offend with speculation, although your Hs words are pretty close. Take care

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hats off to a 33 year plus Marriage. Certainly not my place to question the validity. 33 years is real love, not a fixer upper.

 

Anyway, as a new poster I don't wish to offend with speculation, although your Hs words are pretty close. Take care

 

33 year reconciliation...45 year marriage

 

no offense..just be careful how you project

[oldshirt]

Well road..My kids are my husbands....they look like my husband....and i did not have sex with the ap until my kids were both born

 

If John doubts my fidelity the first 10 years of our marriage...if he doubts the paternity of our children...then he is welcome to get them tested.

 

My affair was our 11th year of marriage and john had a vasectomy after the birth of our last child...and i had no more children

 

so no....there is no reason that john should have a harder time "getting over" it than my getting over it.

 

Yes... women have the children and while there are some women who cheat and pass the child off as their husbands child...I would bet most do not...especially in this day and age where people get FIXED when their families are complete.

 

I think what Road was getting at is a man's reaction to betrayal is a very primordial, deep instinctual thing that goes backs millions of years of evolution.

 

It's not necessarily always about a literal concern of paternity, although that certainly does occur.

 

on a deep instinctive level, the reptilian brain of a male is telling him his mate is depriving him of his progeny so that she can pass on some other man's genes instead of his own.

 

Today we may have paternity testing and family planning and reliable birth control and family courts to help determine child custody and support etc etc but our instincts and our instinctual responses and reactions haven't caught up to our technology and social/legal constructs yet.

[QuietDan]

I had an affair

 

two years later my husband had a revenge affair

 

I never have mind movies...but he does

 

How do i explain that?

 

I cannot

 

I don't know if I have heard/read the whole story between you two.

I know you have mentioned them in bits and pieces of your many posts.

I suspect, the turmoil in the relationship and guilt of your own affair may have possible affected the typical factors that lead to the mind movies.

If your husband's affair was more of a case of revenge/ him trying to reclaim his sense of ego and manhood through inappropriate means, it may have also sort of put it into a slightly different category of meaning to you. It seems like, as a revenge affair, in some ways, what he was doing was still all about you and him. If he had been in a deep emotional affair that was about the other woman, it probable would have been much more of a traumatic experience that might have led to some of the PTSD mind movies.

Just thinking out loud here. Since I don't know or remember the specific details and relationship involved with this, this is just sort of a shoot from the hip speculative response to your observational question.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't know if I have heard/read the whole story between you two.

I know you have mentioned them in bits and pieces of your many posts.

I suspect, the turmoil in the relationship and guilt of your own affair may have possible affected the typical factors that lead to the mind movies.

If your husband's affair was more of a case of revenge/ him trying to reclaim his sense of ego and manhood through inappropriate means, it may have also sort of put it into a slightly different category of meaning to you. It seems like, as a revenge affair, in some ways, what he was doing was still all about you and him. If he had been in a deep emotional affair that was about the other woman, it probable would have been much more of a traumatic experience that might have led to some of the PTSD mind movies.

Just thinking out loud here. Since I don't know or remember the specific details and relationship involved with this, this is just sort of a shoot from the hip speculative response to your observational question.

 

Neither of us was involved in a deep emotional affair.. his affair was an attempt to understand my mindset at the time of my affair

 

He still did not understand

 

And for that matter neither did I

 

You are at a disadvantage since you are trying to second guess

 

It's ok... we are no longer trying to figure our situation out... we are in a very good pkace

Edited March 29, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[QuietDan]

Mind movies are a fickled thing. Some people have them and some people don't. Some people want details of what happened and some people don't want to know. What I speculate is mind movies can get intense is when the betrayed isn't getting the full story. Not having all the information of what happened and how far it went. And when they don't have the full story, then their minds are not their friends at that moment. In your head, you believe that there are gaps in their betrayers story. Therefore, your mind has missing data. So, your mind creates "mind movies" to fill in the gaps. And sometimes the mind movies are worse than what actually happened. So, it becomes extremely important that the betrayee gets the full story to help them stop the mind movies and sometimes they ask the same story over and over to make sure nothing changed.

 

Not to mention, in this modern era, unless you are living under a rock, or really disciplined and very self controlled. At some point in your life since at least probable the age of 12 or 13, most people have been exposed to many many things that give them some context as to what is possible between to human bodies. Most of which does not seem to be in common practice. However, the assumption is that if a spouse is having sex outside of the marriage with another person, it is every porn image you have ever accidently or on purpose been exposed to. Every position known to man, every taboo thing that they refused to do...it all is there for the mind to bring in to the story and fill in the missing details with...

[italianjob]

As often happens, most of the people that say they are very affected by mind movies are males, most of those who say they maybe do have some mind movies but are not much affected by those are females.

 

So I'll try to put my 2 cents in:

 

-I think that all of the reasons brought in have something to do with it.

 

. The paternity matter:

There's a latin saying (and a Roman law principle) that says "Mater semper certa est, pater numquam" which means more or less "The Mother is always known for sure, the Father never is". Many times, when the wife is the one who cheats, this is a real and present concern. But even when it isn't, female infidelity brings fears on that matter.

 

Male select their female companion to be the one who will pass on their genes, they trust her in that regard.

Infidelity makes that trust vanish and makes the female "unsafe" for the male genes as she has shown she is open to other men's sexual attention.

 

This is true for future children, but it also affects the male primitive part of the brain (the caveman in us, in other words) even if the male is sure that the existing children are his (maybe they have even been tested, it doesn't matter)

 

- The inadequacy feelings:

 

Performance in sex is important for both sexes, but while females can get a lot better with experience and commitment to the task, in males it is connected to things that are often impossible or very hard to get any better, the size of the male organ varies from an handful of inches to quite huge, the stamina might make people last from a few minutes to an hour or so.

 

So performance is in a wide range and not always much can be done about it for males.

 

When the wife decides to be with another partner, the male immediately thinks the OM is somewhat better in that department, and can not easily be matched.

 

- That also leads to imagine the wife as some kind of a pornstar with the OM: if you have a disinhibited wife you'll think she went through anything imaginable with the OM, if you have a wife that was never interested you think she had an affair because the OM was so much better that he sparkled her interest and probably she tried everything in the book (and BTW it appears that is something that happens quite a lot).

 

- I would also add that the mechanics of sex have the male take an active part and the female a passive one: so when the man have sex "outside" is "conquering" another "land" while the female opens the gates to let the enemy invader in. So, in the perception we have inherited from our ancestors, the act of sex itself by the female is an act of treason. (I'm obviously talking about instincts and reactions coming from generations ago, not making any statement about female betrayal being worse than male, I hope that is clear...)

 

A lot of team sports, by the way -invented by males for males and only in recent times also played by women -are about violating the other team's goal and at the same time protecting your own from the enemy, and that is not casual.

 

-IMO, those are the reasons why sex and mind movies seem to affect males more than females, in a betrayal.

 

Women seem much more affected by emotional attachment, and IMO that's because for generations their well being depended on being supported financially by their husband. In many societies from the past a repudiated woman was a dead woman, often literally (hunger).

 

So her mate having sex "outside" was disturbing but not alarming, but if he fell in love with the OW it became a serious risk for her.

 

- As for why we are not disturbed by what happened "before us", I think that is becase we selected that person usually knowing their history and their character and we deemed them suitable, so there is no reason to have mind movies about what happened before if we are aware.

 

The counterproof is that when people discover that they have been lied to and/or part of the past has been hidden to them they often suffer from what is called "retroactive jealousy" and it happens mostly to males...

 

If we discover that we have deemed the other person "suitable" on flawed information, we feel frauded, and many have mind movies even on previous partners...

 

 

Sorry for the novel, and all of the above, IMHO of course...

[curiouslysearching]

^^^ so it's a reptilian brain issue?

 

I wonder if this is why conversely more guys have Hot Wife, cuckold etc fantasies then women do.

 

For me, I guess I did have some mind movies, but I really didn't find them very troubling.

 

It's like right now (many years later) I can picture my WH and the OW together, and I don't feel much more than a shrug.

 

But I don't want to know what he told her. I don't want to know what he said to make her feel "special"

 

RC....you are a WOW woman (a very good thing)...men see you and say WOW

[drifter777]

The response from women who think that this idea is somehow "sexist" is unbelievable. Even the smallest effort to find some research on the subject will uncover dozens of studies. A quote from one of then:

 

Sociocultural perspectives have generally claimed that no difference would be expected between men and women. However, this study notes that men are socialized to be masculine, which includes having great sexual prowess. If a man’s partner commits sexual infidelity, this brings into question his sexual prowess and therefore threatens his masculinity, which leads him to react more negatively to his partner committing sexual rather than emotional infidelity.

 

And this is just the social aspects. Think about the evolutionary impact. Do you really believe there are not considerable psychological differences between men and women? Their roles in human development have been radically different. Come on. Is it because you think that men have it worse as BS because of all of this? Pretty much every study ever produced confirms that sexual infidelity is significantly harder on a man than a woman. The jury is in on this and there's no debate on this fact among professionals.

[lolablue17]

What happens is that you'd lived what you thought your life and memories were. suddenly after Dday, you understand that a major part of your memories is false. there are gaps.

 

Moments that you thought you knew all about them, are now missing links in your mind chain. You're desperately trying to fill the gaps with something new, with the truth. We all know what the truth is, the gaps contain all the things that hurt the most.

[road]

Well road..My kids are my husbands....they look like my husband....and i did not have sex with the ap until my kids were both born

 

If John doubts my fidelity the first 10 years of our marriage...if he doubts the paternity of our children...then he is welcome to get them tested.

 

My affair was our 11th year of marriage and john had a vasectomy after the birth of our last child...and i had no more children

 

so no....there is no reason that john should have a harder time "getting over" it than my getting over it.

 

Yes... women have the children and while there are some women who cheat and pass the child off as their husbands child...I would bet most do not...especially in this day and age where people get FIXED when their families are complete.

 

I was not indicating paternity fraud for any poster here. Rather why

WW-OM sex is harder for the BH.

[drifter777]

I was not indicating paternity fraud for any poster here. Rather why

WW-OM sex is harder for the BH.

 

This is DNA stuff. The male will provide for & protect the female and the kids while the female promises he will not raise another man's child. About 100,000 years later someone wrote this stuff down and couples began to make these promises (vows) to each other and make the whole thing legally and socially binding. Keeping our women from having sex with other men is in our DNA.

[NTV]

Just to add on to what road and drifter said, I think it may in general (and this will vary case by case. And I don't think there's any difference in the first few months of complete emotional devastation) that men are socially, instinctually and genetically programmed to Protect and guard their families--meaning it's easier for a woman to be angry at a wh. I felt I failed to protect my wife and my family when she cheated. I know logically it was her choice but for me it was infinitely easier to be angry and hate the APs.

 

How this impacts mind movies? Well you combine that with the fact that men are more visual creatures.

 

This is not to say that that there is any difference regarding the level of Pain between sexes. I imagine that there are pieces of an affair the are tremendously worse to a bw than a bh.

 

Overall, for both sexes, mind movies are horrible. I wouldn't wish those on my 2nd worst enemy. 1st one can get them for all I care though lol.