Accepting CSA (trigger warning)

[Hotmammabear]

I'm having a lot of trouble accepting and admitting even to my self that I'm a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It is effecting my life and I know I need to take steps to heal and repair and also grow and change and better myself. But every time I start searching for what takes my insurance, or taking steps to tell a loved one, I start doubting this. I make excuses, I spent hours last night trying to figure out how old one of my perpetrators was when he molested me, some how thinking if he was under 12 or 13 it wouldn't really count. The same with one specific memory of me being 3, and sleeping in my bed and my dad came in and abused me. I remember asking what he was doing and he answered with do you like this and I said it feels good. This is a memory I've always had. I masterbated starting at 4 or 5 years old because that memory gave me the idea. But now when I go to take action I can't because maybe it wasn't my dad maybe it was an uncle or cousin and I have just always mistaken him. Then of course there are days where I think that I may have made the memories up or dreamed them. I can't get myself to take that step of seeking therapy. I don't know what to think any more.

[hindsight2021]

Hi mammabear,

 

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your experience in childhood. I think, though, that ultimately it is good that you remember this. That means the door is open for you to heal. Many people who have had these experiences as children don't remember them at all, and because of that end up making subconscious decisions for themselves as they grow up to "relive" the experience, and it makes it much harder to get over the original experience, because there is so much compounded into it at that point. If they can access the original experience in the first place.

 

I had an experience as a child, too. I was much older than you though. And sometimes I have these flashing memories of things that happened that I don't remember, and I wonder if they actually DID happen or if i am just making them up.... I don't know what to tell you about regarding that.

 

Therapy helps, my dear. Don't be afraid of it. It isn't as intense or scary as you might think. You will gain insight into a lot of things. Be open with them and honest. Let them in to help you. If you do not feel like progress is being made, state to the therapist what you need from them. If after things do not progress any better, try a new therapist. This is the most frustrating part about therapy for me... but the right therapist will be able to help you.

 

You'll make it through this. You are showing you want to. And that is enough to make it. Just keep wanting to <3

[Hotmammabear]

Hi mammabear,

 

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your experience in childhood. I think, though, that ultimately it is good that you remember this. That means the door is open for you to heal. Many people who have had these experiences as children don't remember them at all, and because of that end up making subconscious decisions for themselves as they grow up to "relive" the experience, and it makes it much harder to get over the original experience, because there is so much compounded into it at that point. If they can access the original experience in the first place.

 

I had an experience as a child, too. I was much older than you though. And sometimes I have these flashing memories of things that happened that I don't remember, and I wonder if they actually DID happen or if i am just making them up.... I don't know what to tell you about regarding that.

 

Therapy helps, my dear. Don't be afraid of it. It isn't as intense or scary as you might think. You will gain insight into a lot of things. Be open with them and honest. Let them in to help you. If you do not feel like progress is being made, state to the therapist what you need from them. If after things do not progress any better, try a new therapist. This is the most frustrating part about therapy for me... but the right therapist will be able to help you.

 

You'll make it through this. You are showing you want to. And that is enough to make it. Just keep wanting to <3

I know it's never too late to change but I have made some horrible reoccurring mistakes in relationship choices, and recently made some choices that shocked me into realizing im not in control like I should be. I do wonder a lot if the memories are real. Like maybe I dreamed them and just thought it happened. I think therapy could help in the right circumstances but I also feel like it's a step I can't take possibly yet. But soon. My youngest is about to start kindergarten, so I'll have more time and ability soon.

[hindsight2021]

I know it's never too late to change but I have made some horrible reoccurring mistakes in relationship choices, and recently made some choices that shocked me into realizing im not in control like I should be. I do wonder a lot if the memories are real. Like maybe I dreamed them and just thought it happened. I think therapy could help in the right circumstances but I also feel like it's a step I can't take possibly yet. But soon. My youngest is about to start kindergarten, so I'll have more time and ability soon.

 

Its okay, its okay, mammabear! We all make horrible reoccurring mistakes in relationships (and life) that directly correlate with our traumas. It's okay.

 

I'll say it again.

 

It's okay. It is part of "the process" of working through it all.

 

You may not feel "in control" now, but as you work through things, you will feel more and more control. I believe this lack of "control" is what many trauma survivors have to face in each of their own rights, before they are able to take ownership over that which they wish to control (which is themselves).

 

And, you are absolutely right. Therapy IN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES is exactly what will help. It sounds like you already have an instinctual and intuitive knowing that this is what will help you. The right circumstances.

 

It is up to you to find those circumstances. In other words, the right therapist that matches you well. That will take asking for what you feel like you need from them, and also trusting your instinct as to whether or not they are delivering that to you.

 

You will know when the time is right to start therapy. Right now, it is time for you to be looking into it at least, and posting on this forum. Yeah?

 

Between now and then, don't worry if the memories are real or not. The mind does some tricky stuff. Sometimes the visions are right. Sometimes they are not. Often times, I have found they are not right, and are only a by product of the original trauma (or traumas). I truly hope that makes sense in the way I am conveying it...

 

You'll get through this. We all repeat patterns in our own ways. You are recognizing that you are repeating them. That is a HUGE part of succeeding in healing. So many people never even notice the patterns. Or just don't care.

 

You obviously care. Which means you care about yourself. And your child. And with care, there is love. And with love, towards yourself AND others (not just one or the other), you can do anything.

 

That is the key, I think. Love for yourself AND others.

 

You will come out the other end of this tunnel more bright and full of light than you can imagine. I promise. Just keep going through it.