KatTA Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I recently found out that my daughter has been in a relationship with a much older woman for over a year now. I have always trusted my daughter, she has always been a very intelligent and respectful girl. She's a straight A student, always followed my rules, and has been open about the girls she dates. I never knew that she could have possibly been in this kind of relationship, with such a huge age difference. I thought she was smarter than that. If she said she was studying at a friend's house or sleeping over at her girlfriend's, I believed her. Her grades never dropped, and there were no personality changes or hints of her lying. I trusted her enough to not ask too many questions. I thought I knew who she was dating but it was all a huge cover up I thought I was so lucky to have such a responsible daughter. I raise my children on my own so it's good that I never thought I had to worry about her as much as my younger kids. I feel so stupid and guilty for allowing this happen. I ended up finding out about this woman when my daughter and I started talking about post secondary schooling and how expensive it would end up being for her. She was unsure about whether she should try and aim for med school. She was worried about the overwhelming amount of debt she would be in. A few weeks later she said she wasn't worried about the money, that it would be taken care of. I asked her how, and she told me a friend promised to help her out. I kept trying to ask her who this friend was and how the hell she managed to pay thousands of dollars for her schooling. I was so confused, who the hell offers their friend to pay for university unless they are filthy rich and have money to toss around. I knew all of her friends, none of them were that wealthy. She ended up telling me that she would introduce me to this friend but that I shouldn't "freak out". My daughter stuck to her word and invited this woman over. I could tell right off the bat that she was much older than my daughter, she looked my age. I was trying to sort out in my head what kind of relationship they had. I couldn't put it together at all. She introduced this woman as her friend throughout the entire ordeal, they said they met volunteering at the hospital. It didn't click in my head until I noticed the way the woman touched my daughter. She would constantly rub her back and her arm, and look at her like a piece of meat. It was so predatory, it made me feel uncomfortable. I called her out and asked what exactly the relationship was as they were clearly more than just friends. She told me that the relationship was more sexual than romantic and that they both benefited from the relationship in different ways. I ended up kicking her out of my house and having a long talk with my daughter. From what I'm seeing, my daughter is a sugar baby for this creepy older woman. My daughter will not listen to me, and says that she has no issue with the relationship. She says she's 100% comfortable and that this woman takes care of her. She says that she loves this woman even if the woman is not in love with her. This woman has completely manipulated my daughter and is seriously taking advantage of her. I know as she is 18 that I cannot do anything about this. Thing is, this relationship apparently started at 16. The age of consent in Canada is 16 but the age of consent is 18 years where the sexual activity "exploits" the young person when it involves prostitution, pornography or occurs in a relationship of authority, trust or dependency (e.g., with a teacher, coach or babysitter). Would a sugar mama/sugar baby type situation apply here? Would it be worth seeing a lawyer? I also have my suspicions of this relationship starting before 16. Is there any way to prove this? If there is nothing I can do legally, what can I do to help my daughter make the right decision? Every time I think of my sweet 16 year old daughter with that woman, I feel sick. I'm sure my daughter sees her as financial help but I am not okay with her being used like this so she can get through school debt free. It's not worth it. This entire situation is so stressful, I have no idea what to do. I'm sorry for the long text, but I needed to vent. I posted this elsewhere but want more diverse opinions before deciding on how to move forward from here. Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I recently found out that my daughter has been in a relationship with a much older woman for over a year now. I have always trusted my daughter, she has always been a very intelligent and respectful girl. She's a straight A student, always followed my rules, and has been open about the girls she dates. I never knew that she could have possibly been in this kind of relationship, with such a huge age difference. I thought she was smarter than that. If she said she was studying at a friend's house or sleeping over at her girlfriend's, I believed her. Her grades never dropped, and there were no personality changes or hints of her lying. I trusted her enough to not ask too many questions. I thought I knew who she was dating but it was all a huge cover up I thought I was so lucky to have such a responsible daughter. I raise my children on my own so it's good that I never thought I had to worry about her as much as my younger kids. I feel so stupid and guilty for allowing this happen. I ended up finding out about this woman when my daughter and I started talking about post secondary schooling and how expensive it would end up being for her. She was unsure about whether she should try and aim for med school. She was worried about the overwhelming amount of debt she would be in. A few weeks later she said she wasn't worried about the money, that it would be taken care of. I asked her how, and she told me a friend promised to help her out. I kept trying to ask her who this friend was and how the hell she managed to pay thousands of dollars for her schooling. I was so confused, who the hell offers their friend to pay for university unless they are filthy rich and have money to toss around. I knew all of her friends, none of them were that wealthy. She ended up telling me that she would introduce me to this friend but that I shouldn't "freak out". My daughter stuck to her word and invited this woman over. I could tell right off the bat that she was much older than my daughter, she looked my age. I was trying to sort out in my head what kind of relationship they had. I couldn't put it together at all. She introduced this woman as her friend throughout the entire ordeal, they said they met volunteering at the hospital. It didn't click in my head until I noticed the way the woman touched my daughter. She would constantly rub her back and her arm, and look at her like a piece of meat. It was so predatory, it made me feel uncomfortable. I called her out and asked what exactly the relationship was as they were clearly more than just friends. She told me that the relationship was more sexual than romantic and that they both benefited from the relationship in different ways. I ended up kicking her out of my house and having a long talk with my daughter. From what I'm seeing, my daughter is a sugar baby for this creepy older woman. My daughter will not listen to me, and says that she has no issue with the relationship. She says she's 100% comfortable and that this woman takes care of her. She says that she loves this woman even if the woman is not in love with her. This woman has completely manipulated my daughter and is seriously taking advantage of her. I know as she is 18 that I cannot do anything about this. Thing is, this relationship apparently started at 16. The age of consent in Canada is 16 but the age of consent is 18 years where the sexual activity "exploits" the young person when it involves prostitution, pornography or occurs in a relationship of authority, trust or dependency (e.g., with a teacher, coach or babysitter). Would a sugar mama/sugar baby type situation apply here? Would it be worth seeing a lawyer? I also have my suspicions of this relationship starting before 16. Is there any way to prove this? If there is nothing I can do legally, what can I do to help my daughter make the right decision? Every time I think of my sweet 16 year old daughter with that woman, I feel sick. I'm sure my daughter sees her as financial help but I am not okay with her being used like this so she can get through school debt free. It's not worth it. This entire situation is so stressful, I have no idea what to do. I'm sorry for the long text, but I needed to vent. I posted this elsewhere but want more diverse opinions before deciding on how to move forward from here. I understand your concerns with that big of an age difference, but unfortunately I don't think there's anything, legally, that you'll be able to do considering your daughter is 18. In regards to your question about what you can do if the relationship started when your daughter was 16, you would have to have some type of indisputable proof. Not to mention, is it worth going through this if it's going to jeopardize the relationship that you have with you daughter,considering it's probably not going to do anything but cause conflict between your daughter and yourself!? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storms Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Wow, I honestly don't know what to say. What a hard position to be in. Just so I'm understand this -- your daughter said that this woman is basically using her for sex and your daughter is, for lack of a better word, using her for her financial aid? Or is there a real relationship there? The good news is, it's not likely that your daughter is going to stay with this woman when she is a few years older. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I know as she is 18 that I cannot do anything about this. Thing is, this relationship apparently started at 16. The age of consent in Canada is 16 but the age of consent is 18 years where the sexual activity "exploits" the young person when it involves prostitution, pornography or occurs in a relationship of authority, trust or dependency (e.g., with a teacher, coach or babysitter). Would a sugar mama/sugar baby type situation apply here? Would it be worth seeing a lawyer? I also have my suspicions of this relationship starting before 16. Is there any way to prove this? If there is nothing I can do legally, what can I do to help my daughter make the right decision? Given what's at stake, wouldn't it make more sense to consult a family law attorney than an Internet forum? You'll get only opinions here, many not applicable to your area's specific laws. Having said that, I'd counsel a long term view. I have friends that had flings with professors, bosses, etc, usually with equally big age differences. Most emerged unscathed... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 The situation sucks, I'm not saying I'd be happy if I was you. But she isn't a kid. 18 year olds make dumb decisions sometimes. Trying to look for a legal method to stop her from dating someone you don't like might seem like the right idea, but what does that say to her, about how you feel about her ability to make decisions. How will that affect your relationship long term? Rightly or wrongly a lot of people date with financial benefits in mind, this might be more of a pure sugar baby relationship, but it isn't exactly a rare thing for a young woman to date someone for money. Your daughter could easily be dating a 20 year old who seems sweet as heck to you, but is abusive to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Looks like a one post wonder. If the threadstarter returns and wants the thread reopened please contact moderation via the "Alert Us" button. Thanks, ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
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