He proposed and I said no! Did I make a mistake?Update: I think we're really over now

[Mackie]

I've been with my boyfriend (22) for four years. I came here not long after we got together when i was concerned about the relationship he still had with his ex. He has 3 brothers, two of whom with very long term gf's, and a twin sister all who are were (and still are) VERY goof friends with his ex.

To give just a little bit of fairly important background, he had been with his ex from 15-18, her parents died when she was 13, and she lived with her gran, his family really took her under their wing. Not very long after I got together with my boyfriend, her gran died suddenly, and as a result she moved into his family home.

 

Flash forward:

Me and my bf rent a little cottage but we still live within 15mins of his family who he is VERY close too. His ex is still living at the family home along with his sister (who is pretty much her best friend), one of his brothers and that brothers gf.

Anyway, his oldest brother is getting married in a April and we went out the other weekend for his gf's hen do. I've known the girl 4 years so obviously I went along. So here's the thing, I drunk too much. Not proud of that. I never go out drinking like that anymore, never do shots or that so i was pretty well gone. It was my bfs ex that helped me outside & home.

I thanked her, we talked a little, she ended up saying something to me about how she doesn't think i like her but that they're the closest thing she has to family, the only people she has in the world, she wont walk away from them (i think she was a little tipsy too). I said to her "you love him though?" and she was like "yeah", which I wasn't expecting, she was like "What? I'm not going to lie to you and make you think its all in your head. I want him to be happy, he wants to marry you I'd never ruin that"

 

Basically she kinda dropped two bombs on me, that he's planning on proposing and that shes in love with him.

I've been thinking about both things a lot since. Her still being in love with him, and saying it out loud scared me and scares me still. I was under the impression that it was an amicable split but im still sure it was more her than him and he obviously still cares about her.

 

Anyway last night he did it, he proposed and i should of felt great but i didn't, all the worry about her and him that i didn't even know i was holding on to so tightly just seemed to swell up in me.

I think what i actually said was "I can't". He was looking like I'd just stamped on his heart.

I'm going to condense the ins and outs:

I told him [his ex] still loves him, and that I think he still loves her too.

Eventually he says he does love her, he'll always love her but it didn't work out for them, that he loves me that he's committed to us.

I said (i was quite oddly together and calm at this point) that i don't want to be someones 'head' choice, that i believe he loves me, but i think he's in love with her and that I'm doing this for both of us.

That last bit was what got him more irate.

He was like "You know whats s***, when is someone going to stop breaking up with me with that same damn line! This isnt for me, this isnt what i want. When is "will you marry me" not going to result in me being dumped (This what totally new info to me, i never knew he proposed to her, i never knew this was what ended there relationship, apparently no one knew, he hadnt wanted his family to be mad at her because he knew what an important part of her life they were - which is Dane all over, he's selfless) Yes, i would of spent my life with her, i would of given her all of it, but she didnt want that, its in the past. I'm proposing to you, i would spend my life with you, i would be the best husband i could be for you, the best dad i could be for our future, i would be whatever you wanted, but you dont want it either, so tell me what makes me so damn unmarryable?"

 

This was yesterday. At the time i honestly felt so strong in what i was doing, it hurt of course! But i honestly beleived it to be right!

Now............ oh god, i dont know. Last month if he'd of proposed i think i would of said yes, and been jumping for joy, and now, i've broken his heart.

I don't even know if i've done the right thing. I miss him. I love him. Maybe i should of fought harder for us.

[lauri]

Hey don't beat yourself up so much.

 

It's clear to me by what you're saying is that you aren't that into him. You weren't feeling it when he asked you to marry him and I'm sure there are lots of reasons that you didn't mention that could've lead to this.

 

I think you are just feeling guilty now and having mixed emotions. I'm sure he's a good guy and has a lot of qualities you may want...but in the end the logic doesn't match up with the physical / emotional attachment you crave.

 

Its only been a day since you turned him down..I think what is best is for you to take a step back and reevaluate. Don't confuse the feelings you have due to "losing him" now for actually wanting to be with him.

 

If after some time you realize "I made a mistake, I am attracted to him and I know I want to be with him forever", then you should re-engage and build his trust again. But truth is, I think you've lost your attraction for him and it's gonna be very hard for you to change how you feel towards him in that sense.

[doyathinkso]

Maybe i should of fought harder for us.

 

 

Gee, ya think?

[Mackie]

Gee, ya think?

 

I don't know, I don't know.

 

I honestly believe he would never do wrong by anyone, he would always but others happiness above his. So I dont believe he would of ever called time on our relationship and so maybe I'm being utterly crazy, maybe we should be celebrating our engagement now!

 

But i honestly believe he loves her too, he admitted as much, I think the only reason they're not together is me. I just don't know. If he's staying with me just because he committed to me and hence he thinks it's the right thing to do, then that's wrong, that's not fair on either of us!

I felt like I was doing this noble thing, I felt like I was setting him free! But now I just feel like a piece of s*** that's broken his heart, and for what!? I love him.

 

[Mackie]

Hey don't beat yourself up so much.

 

It's clear to me by what you're saying is that you aren't that into him. You weren't feeling it when he asked you to marry him and I'm sure there are lots of reasons that you didn't mention that could've lead to this.

 

I think you are just feeling guilty now and having mixed emotions. I'm sure he's a good guy and has a lot of qualities you may want...but in the end the logic doesn't match up with the physical / emotional attachment you crave.

 

Its only been a day since you turned him down..I think what is best is for you to take a step back and reevaluate. Don't confuse the feelings you have due to "losing him" now for actually wanting to be with him.

 

If after some time you realize "I made a mistake, I am attracted to him and I know I want to be with him forever", then you should re-engage and build his trust again. But truth is, I think you've lost your attraction for him and it's gonna be very hard for you to change how you feel towards him in that sense.

I am crazy in love with him! I probably didn't put that in my post but I am! He's everything that I want in a partner, kind & handsome & funny & family oriented and not only that but when I'm with him I feel cherished. I'm in love with him, but right down deep inside I don't think he feels the same! I think he loves me, I just think he loves her more!

 

I know that probably sounds crazy, but I think that's been my fear for like the whole four years we've been together and then suddenly it all came rushing to a head in that moment anddd I don't know if I made a mistake

[Dandannydandan]

If he proposed to her, she turned him down and they're still maintaining such close contact, it will naturally prevent them from moving on.

 

For anything to happen between you too I think his ex needs to move out of the family home. It will be nothing but toxic if she keeps living there.

 

You definitely need to take some time from him and have some space to think.

[Altair0770]

I don't know if I can blame you for the insecurity. No one likes their partner still in close contact with their ex, but I would give him props and kudos for being honest.

 

Everyone that's once loved someone will most likely always have a place for them in their heart.

 

I'd ask to have a serious discussion with him. Over dinner or something. Are you guys broken up or did you just not accept his proposal?

 

Also, just my opinion, 22 is way too young to get married. And if he proposed at 18 then I think he may also need to mature a bit before asking the big question. That's just MY opinion though. But from my experiences, I wouldn't get married at a young age because most those fail.

 

My advice would to be stop dreading on the proposal and have a serious discussion about it first. Remember - it's okay if he still loves her, as long as he's not IN LOVE with her. If he's having sex with her and kissing her and stuff then obviously that is an issue. Have a serious discussion about her, your future, your future goals together, and see where you feel there.

 

Whether your decision was right or wrong, you clearly have some things you guys need to work out before making that decision.

[Mackie]

I don't know if I can blame you for the insecurity. No one likes their partner still in close contact with their ex, but I would give him props and kudos for being honest.

Right, but its something i thought i was okay with! Its not like its come as a bolt out the blue, I thought i'd dealt with it 4 years ago.

But hearing her say she loves him, she's in love with him. It brought it all back to me.

 

Everyone that's once loved someone will most likely always have a place for them in their heart.

Of course, and theyve been through some big things together and I understand that closeness.

But, she's the love of his life, i know that! I said to him, look in my eyes and tell me shes not the love of your life, and he couldn't do it! I've probably always known it, but hearing her say she loves him too...

 

He is the most selfless man i know, he would always but other people before himself, he's committed to me, he's promised me forever. I don't think he'd ever walk away (which means that im probably mental for breaking up with him, and also leaves me completely devastated because I dont know if i will ever find someone that makes me feel the way he does) but how can i let him marry me, because he thinks its the right thing to do, when i know he loves her, and i know she loves him too.

I feel like I'm standing in the way of his true happiness, and i feel like i was trying to do the right thing by him even though like it leaves me comletely heartbroken. I'm heartbroken! But he doesnt even see it like that, he obviously thinks im this horrible person that's let him propse just to reject him and stamp all over his heart. I lose on both counts, whatever i do i'm the bad guy!

 

I'd ask to have a serious discussion with him. Over dinner or something. Are you guys broken up or did you just not accept his proposal?

I guess its a bit up in the air, but it's a break up isnt it, i cant kid myself. I'm at the house, i havent seen him since that night, he's staying at the family home (which incidentally means that i bet he's crying on his ex's shoulder)

 

Also, just my opinion, 22 is way too young to get married. And if he proposed at 18 then I think he may also need to mature a bit before asking the big question.

HIs parents got married at 19, one of his brothers is about to get married, another is engaged, It's very much the example he has.

And i'd actually have no worries about marrying him (how weird does that sound considering i said no ) I dont believe he would ever ever give up on a marriage, i think he would stick it out through thick and thin, i honestly believe that, family is everything to him, and he's got such a strong moral code!

I just feel like, i love him, i want to marry him, but its not fair on either of us, and in that moment, i felt really strong! But I dont anymore, I want him back but its like head vs heart

 

If he's having sex with her and kissing her and stuff then obviously that is an issue.

I don't believe he'd ever cheat on me, i really don't. I've never really trusted her, but i trust him 100%. IT would go against everything he is to cheat!

[Mackie]

This is literally where I'm at right now:

 

He is the most selfless man i know, he would always but other people before himself, he's committed to me, he's promised me forever. I don't think he'd ever walk away (which means that im probably mental for breaking up with him, and also leaves me completely devastated because I dont know if i will ever find someone that makes me feel the way he does) but how can i let him marry me, because he thinks its the right thing to do, when i know he loves her, and i know she loves him too.

I feel like I'm standing in the way of his true happiness, and i feel like i was trying to do the right thing by him even though like it leaves me comletely heartbroken. I'm heartbroken! But he doesnt even see it like that, he obviously thinks im this horrible person that's let him propse just to reject him and stamp all over his heart. I lose on both counts, whatever i do i'm the bad guy!

 

I want him back so badly. My heart tells me that I'm an idiot, that i love him, that i would be overjoyed to marry him, and that i honestly believe we'd really happy.

When i first came to this board 4 years ago I wrote that he was my fairytale guy, but that i was worried that it was their (hers and his') fairytale. And that was the emotional, (maybe melodramatic) writing of a teenager. I'm maybe more grounded and mature 4 years later, but i still believe in love, and i maybe still believe in the feelings behind that sentence.

I'm so broken, honestly. BUT Is it right to go forth and build a life together when we both know im not the love of his life. When his ex is stood there telling me she loves him. How.. how can we possible move forward on that foundation.

But its bloody hard! Honestly the only person i want to pour my heart out to is him, the only shoulder i want to cry on is his. I don't know how to do this.

[Mackie]

For anything to happen between you too I think his ex needs to move out of the family home. It will be nothing but toxic if she keeps living there.

That's never been in my (or his) hands though! She's like a second daughter to them!

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I can't give you advice about what you should do.

 

All I can say is that I would never agree to marry someone under these circumstances. They still have feelings for each other and are acting like it is no big deal. It is a big deal!

 

If it was a platonic thing, perhaps a confident person could work through it, but love? Hell no.

 

The fact he didn't understand why it was an issue in accepting his proposal, and instead just wanted to compare it to his past rejection by her is concerning. It wreaks of unfinished business.

 

With all those facts considered, I think you made the right decision.

[Mackie]

I can't give you advice about what you should do.

 

All I can say is that I would never agree to marry someone under these circumstances. They still have feelings for each other and are acting like it is no big deal. It is a big deal!

 

If it was a platonic thing, perhaps a confident person could work through it, but love? Hell no.

 

The fact he didn't understand why it was an issue in accepting his proposal, and instead just wanted to compare it to his past rejection by her is concerning. It wreaks of unfinished business.

 

With all those facts considered, I think you made the right decision.

 

Thanks, it's actually quite good to read that. Part of me is a little put out that not only is he looking at me like the bad guy but everyone around me seems to be acting like I have no reason to be heartbroken because I'm the one that turned down his proposal and broke his heart!

But like, I gave all of me to this, I held nothing back, he was the only man in my life. But I can't say I was the only woman in his and how can that be alright!? But I feel so terrible!

[Gr8fuln2020]

Did he or anyone else other than his ex tell you that he still loved her?

 

His ex told you that she still loved him b/c she wanted to plant doubt in your mind and heart. She knew that your bf was going to propose, so it was her way to help sabotage the relationship.

 

The whole situation stinks of subterfuge. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HIS LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS HER AND NOT YOU?

[Mackie]

Did he or anyone else other than his ex tell you that he still loved her?

 

His ex told you that she still loved him b/c she wanted to plant doubt in your mind and heart. She knew that your bf was going to propose, so it was her way to help sabotage the relationship.

 

The whole situation stinks of subterfuge. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HIS LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS HER AND NOT YOU?

 

Hmm, directly not really. On and off over the time we've been together I've thought she still likes him, but I trusted him.

I've always known he cares about her. I guess at the start it worried me but I've come to think of it as 'he probably loves her like a sister', It'd be a total lie to say they've been outrageously flirting and throwing come to bed eyes at each other in front of me, that's not the case at all. But I've never got to like her and I think a lot of that is that there has always been a little spark between them. But at the same time he's always been a very doting bf, he's made me feel secure, he's made me feel cherished.

 

Sure theres been odd phrases here and there over the years, occasional bits of body language but I guess, honestly, its just been my own gut.

 

I asked him when he proposed if he loved her. He admitted he did, part of him always would, but that he loves me.

I told him to look in my eyes and tell me that she's not the love of his life. He looked me in the eye for a moment and then said but this isnt about her, its about us, I'm proposing to you, I asking to spend my life with you, dont make it about her.

That was what was the nail in the coffin for me that night, I think. He couldnt do it. He deflected, he didnt deny it. I saw it in his eyes. It's been my biggest insecurity in this relationship and in that moment i felt like it was all coming true.

 

BUT i was pretty emotional by that point already.

 

His ex told you that she still loved him b/c she wanted to plant doubt in your mind and heart. She knew that your bf was going to propose, so it was her way to help sabotage the relationship.

I hadn't even thought about it like that

[Pumpingiron34]

Im going to skip reading everything and just say this, breaking up sucks on so many levels no matter what side of the fence. Do what ever you gotta do to try and make it work. If its another guy you want he'll prolly suck in 4 years too.

[harrybrown]

At least he did ask you.

 

You have that memory.

 

The ball is now in your court. If you do not want him, let him be and go N/C, so he can try to heal.

 

But decide soon. If you do decide that you want him, you will have to make quite an effort. If you do want him, send him an email, telling him you want him, but without her.

 

Good luck. sure sucks to be him.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I hadn't even thought about it like that

 

Perhaps others can chime in on this, but I just don't see the motivation for him to propose to you, marry you, if he was still in love with the other girl. If he was still interested, he could EASILY get her back, right? She is still in love with him, so it would be so easy.

 

He did this with his friends, family having full knowledge, no? He risked a lot to do this.

 

AGAIN, the girl told you b/c she was wanted to hurt you. If she cared at all about his ex's happiness or you, she wouldn't have mentioned that. ABSOLUTELY no reason to other than to sabotage. She never said that HE loved her, right? Just that SHE loved HIM.

 

Good luck.

[Life lessons]

Perhaps others can chime in on this, but I just don't see the motivation for him to propose to you, marry you, if he was still in love with the other girl. If he was still interested, he could EASILY get her back, right? She is still in love with him, so it would be so easy.

 

He did this with his friends, family having full knowledge, no? He risked a lot to do this.

 

AGAIN, the girl told you b/c she was wanted to hurt you. If she cared at all about his ex's happiness or you, she wouldn't have mentioned that. ABSOLUTELY no reason to other than to sabotage. She never said that HE loved her, right? Just that SHE loved HIM.

 

Good luck.

 

I semi see your point in regards to the ex but on the other hand, he couldn't tell the OP that the ex was not the love of his life...that would be a deal breaker for me, personally.

 

OP, I think you made the right decision, based on the information you've provided. If they're both in love with one another still, then it will never work for you two. You would constantly be wondering about their relationship. The fact that she lives with his family would've probably been more than I could've handled to begin with.

 

Good luck to you! I wish you the best!

[Gr8fuln2020]

I semi see your point in regards to the ex but on the other hand, he couldn't tell the OP that the ex was not the love of his life...that would be a deal breaker for me, personally.

 

OP, I think you made the right decision, based on the information you've provided. If they're both in love with one another still, then it will never work for you two. You would constantly be wondering about their relationship. The fact that she lives with his family would've probably been more than I could've handled to begin with.

 

 

I agree, if true, but wasn't too certain if some of that wasn't the OP being emotional as she hinted. The ex living with her family is pretty odd. Personally, I would be put-off by the situation and would never have gotten in a relationship with someone in that arrangement.

[Poutrew]

Tell him she admitted to you that she still loves him. Then tell him that you are going to be the bad guy in the following example - tell him that your positions are reversed. He is living with your family, and your old boyfriend is also living in your house. Tell him the boyfriend admitted to him that he is still in love with you. How would that make him feel? I would have done exactly what you did if the circumstances were similar. You need to find someone who is less encumbered...good luck.

[Life lessons]

I agree, if true, but wasn't too certain if some of that wasn't the OP being emotional as she hinted. The ex living with her family is pretty odd. Personally, I would be put-off by the situation and would never have gotten in a relationship with someone in that arrangement.

 

I agree! There's no way I could be with a guy knowing his ex, whom whether he is in love with or not, still loves him. I would think that'd be too much drama in itself. Relationships are difficult enough without involving the ex in everyday life.

[Altair0770]

Did he or anyone else other than his ex tell you that he still loved her?

 

His ex told you that she still loved him b/c she wanted to plant doubt in your mind and heart. She knew that your bf was going to propose, so it was her way to help sabotage the relationship.

 

The whole situation stinks of subterfuge. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HIS LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS HER AND NOT YOU?

 

I'm going to go with this. Even the best of people get jealous when their ex moves on, even if they are the ones that ended it. It's also a very dick move to tell someone that their partner is going to propose to them.

 

I'd watch out for her...

[preraph]

Why is his ex living with his family? That is not good.

[Mackie]

The ball is now in your court. If you do not want him, let him be and go N/C, so he can try to heal.

I do want him, but I don't know that him completely without her is, or has ever been, an option.

Good luck. sure sucks to be him.

So everyone keeps telling me!!

——————

If he was still interested, he could EASILY get her back, right? She is still in love with him, so it would be so easy.

Yeah. But he'd have to break up with me. He'd have to break my heart. He'd have to put what he wants above what I want and I just don't think he'd do that. I honestly don't believe he'd break up with me so he could be with someone else, even her, it's just not him.

But I guess what I can't get out of my head is if that's all true, It's not fair on either of us! I love him enough that I want him to be truly happy, I know that sounds crazy after breaking his heart, and I don't want to be settled for, even if No ones ever made me feel so loved.

But I dunno, it's just hard!

 

He did this with his friends, family having full knowledge, no? He risked a lot to do this.

Some, of all, again his ex was apparently part of a very inner circle again!

 

AGAIN, the girl told you b/c she was wanted to hurt you. If she cared at all about his ex's happiness or you, she wouldn't have mentioned that. ABSOLUTELY no reason to other than to sabotage. She never said that HE loved her, right? Just that SHE loved HIM.

Your right! You are right! And what's super annoying is that I fell right into it, book line and sinker! I asked her, I asked her 'you still love him?", which means I gave her the perfect 'I was just answering her question, I was just being honest, I'm such a great person I wouldn't lie about it'

————————

he couldn't tell the OP that the ex was not the love of his life...that would be a deal breaker for me, personally.

 

You would constantly be wondering about their relationship.

This is it, this is my problem. I feel like if it wasn't for me, they'd be together, I feel like I am the single thing stopping them being together, and that's a huge weight to carry.. would he be happier with her? I push that question to the back of my head but It it's still there, and never more so than in that moment, he coukdnt deny the question and it didn't even shock me!

 

The fact that she lives with his family would've probably been more than I could've handled to begin with.

It's be tricky at points over the years but we've handled it. At the time she moved in with them I'd not been with him very long and she'd just lost her only living relative, it wasn't my place to kick up a fuss, and he felt like in time me and her would be best buds, but it never worked out like that!

[Mackie]

Tell him she admitted to you that she still loves him. Then tell him that you are going to be the bad guy in the following example -

I might go try and see him tomorrow or Tuesday, I feel like I can't leave things like this we do need to talk!

 

Why is his ex living with his family? That is not good.

She's lived with them for 4 years.

Long story short, her parents died when she was 13 so she lived with her gran. I think her and Dane met at like 14/15, he's one of 5 kids,so big family and they really took her under their wing.

She's pretty much best mates with his twin sister and close to one of his brothers longgg term gf.

Her gran died very suddenly not long after me and my bf started dating, his dad said she could stay with them for a bit and 4 years later she's still there!

 

She inherited so she could of moved out anytime! Honestly, my take is that she craves that family thing that they have in spades! They're honestly one of the tight knit, happy families I know! I think she's had a rough childhood and I think they're a replacement family for her. That's why my issue is, and has ALWAYS been right from her grans funeral, that surely her link to the whole family is sooo much stronger if she's with Dane! That seems obvious to me, if she's with Dane that makes her indisputably part of the family. That unsettled me 4 years ago, but I'd talked it through WITH him and we'd moved past it!!

 

Well I though I'd moved past it! Apparently not!