He proposed and I said no! Did I make a mistake?Update: I think we're really over now

[Redhead14]

Your decision is YOUR decision and I'm sorry you're struggling. But, there is one thing bothering me about your decision process -- the process should only be about you, how you're feeling, how he makes you feel not about being his head, deciding what's best for him, deciding for him that he loves someone else more than he loves you and being a "martyr" so to speak. Throwing yourself on the sword for his greater good. You dated him for quite some time. If he was making you feel as though he wasn't "all in" with you and not treating you like his #1, then that's what the decision comes down to. The reasons for the way he made you feel, if the above was true, is not yours to determine . . .

 

He is an adult, he made a very big decision for himself.

 

Nevertheless, you made your decision, so you need to just cut him out altogether. NO CONTACT.

[JuneL]

Why are you having all those discussions with him?

 

Coming to pick up stuff should mean knock on door, here's your boxes handed over the threshold, goodbye.

 

Yeah, I find it odd that he would go out of his way to tell you (OP) that he's going to join his ex to Thailand.

 

Does he even realize part of his problem is that he wants his ex to be a big part of his life and vice versa? His next girlfriend is going to reject his proposal again, because she'll have two other women competing for his love at that time...

[JuneL]

Your decision is YOUR decision and I'm sorry you're struggling. But, there is one thing bothering me about your decision process -- the process should only be about you, how you're feeling, how he makes you feel not about being his head, deciding what's best for him, deciding for him that he loves someone else more than he loves you and being a "martyr" so to speak. Throwing yourself on the sword for his greater good. You dated him for quite some time. If he was making you feel as though he wasn't "all in" with you and not treating you like his #1, then that's what the decision comes down to. The reasons for the way he made you feel, if the above was true, is not yours to determine . . .

 

He is an adult, he made a very big decision for himself.

 

Nevertheless, you made your decision, so you need to just cut him out altogether. NO CONTACT.

 

I don't think she's trying to be the "martyr"; I doubt many women would happily marry a guy who openly admitted to them that his love of the life is someone else, and that someone else is still single and a big part of his life (and is still in love with him).

Edited March 29, 2017 by JuneL

[Redhead14]

Even though that may be true, he understands and accepts that that is and should be in the past and has made the decision to move forward with someone he apparently at least loves equally as much.

 

The love of my life passed away a few years ago and yet, I have an SO that I love very, very much and in different ways. I love him for different reasons. While he is similar in some ways, yet he is different from that man who passed away. I love him for who HE is.

 

There isn't always just one "The One". You can love people in different ways and for different reasons. I just don't think it was fair of her to make that decision for him that way. He was honest and upfront with her apparently, but if he was making her feel wanted and loved and appreciated for who SHE is that's what should matter. Again, if he wasn't making her feel like his #1 in the here and now (not what might be going on in his head), then I get why she'd bail.

[preraph]

Everything he's doing now, running off with her to Thailand, should only be making you thank your lucky stars you woke up in time. Listen, nice guys can be the ones who hurt you the most. Because they can be a little self-righteous and think that just because they act nice, they can go do things that clearly show they have no boundaries and things which unless he is truly dumb as a bolt, he should know would not be acceptable to any woman committed to him.

 

They're off on a honeymoon. Calling BS on the "friends" crap. You know better. He told you and she told you and then they booked the flight.

 

You are going to have to muster some anger for him. His actions here have not been appropriate. He has maintained at least an emotional affair this whole time, and trust me when I tell you that is how he would have preferred it going forward: Having both of you. He didn't want just one person to build a life with. He wanted two and might collect more in the future, so let him do THAT with her instead of you.

 

He was never putting your feelings first or his union with you first. So try to work up a little anger over that. He is not that naive. He was lying to you all along.

[Mackie]

Why are you having all those discussions with him?

 

Coming to pick up stuff should mean knock on door, here's your boxes handed over the threshold, goodbye.

 

Well, i hadn't sorted out his stuff so he had to come in to do that.

BUT I've learnt my lesson I think, this has to be it now, no more, its just making it harder.

 

Your decision is YOUR decision and I'm sorry you're struggling. But, there is one thing bothering me about your decision process -- the process should only be about you, how you're feeling, how he makes you feel not about being his head, deciding what's best for him, deciding for him that he loves someone else more than he loves you and being a "martyr" so to speak. Throwing yourself on the sword for his greater good. You dated him for quite some time. If he was making you feel as though he wasn't "all in" with you and not treating you like his #1, then that's what the decision comes down to. The reasons for the way he made you feel, if the above was true, is not yours to determine . . .

 

He is an adult, he made a very big decision for himself.

 

Nevertheless, you made your decision, so you need to just cut him out altogether. NO CONTACT.

I don't doubt for a second that he was 'all in', he always made me feel very loved.

But she was a permanent fixture in his life, and I just don't know how to deal with that. Its about me in the sense that I don't know how to deal with that, or if i can, i thought i could, when he proposed, i realised i couldn't.

But yeah i respect that hes an adult, i respect that he knew what he was doing, I don't think i'm a great self sacrificing hero or anything!

 

(Though the fact he's already taking off on holiday with her definitely tells me that what i felt in my gut was true)!

 

 

Everything he's doing now, running off with her to Thailand, should only be making you thank your lucky stars you woke up in time...

...They're off on a honeymoon. Calling BS on the "friends" crap. You know better. He told you and she told you and then they booked the flight

Right, I don't buy this "friends" trip thing either! He has a massive break up and the person he runs to be with is her! I think its a massive step to a reconciliation.

BUT, if it is, it is, I'm trying to distance myself from worrying about that, that's their lives and what they choose to do now is up to them. I'm trying to just start to concentrate on my own life and focus on me. (But it does give me more confidence in my decision)!

 

Listen, nice guys can be the ones who hurt you the most. Because they can be a little self-righteous and think that just because they act nice, they can go do things that clearly show they have no boundaries and things which unless he is truly dumb as a bolt, he should know would not be acceptable to any woman committed to him.

I think you're spot on actually! I think he thought if he treated me really really well then it was okay for him to maintain the closeness in his relationship with her. I think that for a long while I felt the same!! But ultimately it doesn't matter whether he was treating me like a queen or whether he was an *********, either way the relationship he had with her was too much!

 

You are going to have to muster some anger for him. His actions here have not been appropriate. He has maintained at least an emotional affair this whole time, and trust me when I tell you that is how he would have preferred it going forward: Having both of you. He didn't want just one person to build a life with. He wanted two and might collect more in the future, so let him do THAT with her instead of you.

He was never putting your feelings first or his union with you first. So try to work up a little anger over that. He is not that naive. He was lying to you all along.

I'm just not mad at him though, i'm just not. I don't think that he had any bad intentions. I think he never got over her, and then got invested with me and then tried to balance and juggle both people.

I don't believe in my heart it was ever about having two (or more) girls, i think, simply, its just all been about her! Which isn't nice for me, and i wish he (or me) would have address the situation years ago but neither of us did so I cant do anything about that now..

[Mackie]

I saw his dad tonight. He dropped round the spare key that they had to our place, he said he wouldnt stop and didnt want to bother me but he just wanted to drop it over and that he didnt think it was right that after having been apart of their family for 4 years he didnt come and say that he wished the very best for me and that he wanted to thank me aswell for "being good to his son for the last 4 years".

I could feel myself getting really emotional, I was hoping he'd like leave like while i was holding it together but i couldnt, i opened my mouth to speak and i started really crying :(

 

I told him I was sorry (because despite everything with his ex, his family have been good to me over the years, and I am sorry that i kind of blindsided Dane, i think it was right it ended but i SO wish that i'd spoke to him in that week before he proposed and not let him get down on one knee)

He just told me not to worry he said "thats where you and Dane are the same, you worry too much about other people! Its not about being more selfish, but you cant make everyone else happy all of the time, sometimes you have to do what you know is right even if other people dont like it. I know you believe this is right, you wouldnt do it otherwise, you dont stand to gain anything. So you concentrate on you now, not Dane, I'll look after my son, he'll be fine"

I said "You think hes better off with [his ex]?"

For the record, i know this was a stupid thing to say, in hindsight i regret it, but it just came out of my mouth in the emotion of the moment.

He was like "no, loves a funny thing, it doesn't you cant predict it, I'm happy so long as my kids are happy"

We talked a little, then he said "you and Dane are similar, steady, constant, salt of the earth. I love Flick like another daughter but she's more like my Jed (his youngest) they could go either way, they've got fire in them, they need more support, more guidance to make sure they make the right impact on the world. Jed's got us, Flick's not got anyone else to be a parent to her. That's got nothing to do with Danes love life. So don't think that we ever didnt like you, or that we hold anything against you now, we really do wish you all the best"

 

That actually was quite nice to hear and made me feel a little better. BUT thats enough now, thats it, they're nice people but i need a clean break now. I can't keep having chats with him or his family, if its over then it has to be over. I know that. I'm drawing a line now. Its going to be tough but that's the only way to move on from this!

[preraph]

I know that was hard for you. I hope you are able to make a clean break.

[beautifulinside2]

I read your entire story and I admire your courage, foresight, and self esteem at such a young age. It seems to me like the dad was very genuine and upstanding to wish you well face to face. I also believe he knew in his heart that his son was making a selfish decision to propose to you knowing that his love was and still is for Flick. It was never about you, it was Dane attempting to move on with his life, but secretly hoping that Flick would try to stop him from marrying you and give in to his previous proposal which it looks like she did. It also bothers me that he didn't fight harder to get you to stay or reconsider especially after 4 years. Please don't keep tabs or look back and absolutely take him up on his offer to pay rent for the duration of the lease not just a couple of months.

 

 

It was not your fairytale but it was his just like the movies. Except for you spared the theatrics of her busting in the wedding chapel on your wedding day and objecting. (Thank God)

 

 

You seem like a lovely young woman, with a bright future. Your man will come along and luckily you realized now before it was too late.

 

 

Hugs!!!

[Grathblagg]

I guess whatever makes one feel good about their decisions, but there's a bunch of presumptions here about the motives of the young man and his family. While the halcyon daze of a tragic romance novel with the heroine bravely facing her future after finding out that the villain was using her for so many years is compelling, it doesn't serve much for critical introspection on the heroine's part.

 

The presumption that love is black and white is disturbing. I lost my first fiancee to a tragic event. The love that I still feel for her is incredible. I also love my wife with all of my heart. Since I am not a neanderthal, and neither is my wife, we understand that humans love in as many ways as there are colors in the spectrum. Fate weaves and mends the tapestry of life, and she uses many colors in her beautiful work. If my former fiancee suddenly appeared back from the dead, I'd still love my wife and stay with her for the rest of my life, with no greater joy to be found. Nonetheless, I am capable of loving both, being faithful and joyous in my relationship with my wife, and putting her first above all others... forever.

 

If one has two children cannot that person love each equally, but recognize each as individuals with special gifts? If one were to take the measure of attitudes here, a person must love one child above the other. Maybe some people are like that, I suppose. I am not.

 

This presumption that love is black and white is the same presumption that leads to "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", the nemesis of many marriages. No, there are different colors of love. Recognizing that leads to an understanding of us as beautiful works of art, each different and unique, capable of different kinds of love, but being able to commit to one spouse for life with no regrets.

 

The presumption that the father thinks that his son is selfish, is another of these not-so-helpful projections. It feels good to say and think that, but how much does that truly help? The father thinks many things, but you only know what he things if he tells you what he thinks. False narratives close doors to understanding.

 

The presumption that the ex boyfriend is running off to Thailand because he not-so-secretly desired the ex girlfriend, the woman who never stopped loving and desiring him, is a stretch as well. The "See! That proves it!" is another potential false narrative because it is completely counter-intuitive. If he loved his ex-ex in such a way as to want to spend his life with her, and she obviously regretted turning him down, loving him still for all these years, why did he propose to our heroine instead? He could have had his ex-ex any time that he wanted.

 

No, the reason to go to Thailand is quite simple. His true love dumped him unceremoniously when he proposed to her, making what would have been a potential celebration of a lifetime into a tragedy. Then, she proceeded to emotionally detach from him. She saw love as black and white and could not fathom the idea that he might just be capable of loving her to the fullest, and at the same time, love his ex-ex in a different way, none of this being mutually exclusive or crossing the line into unfaithfulness. Being faced with heartbreak, and having someone around who adored him, he decided to heal himself in a way that is common with men and women- to distract himself in the sack with someone who seemingly values him for who he is.

 

Now, he is probably going on a sexcation with his ex-ex, who no doubt will show him the time of his life, to the consternation of those here who would much rather see him wallow in rejection and misery, pining for his lost love, feeling guilty because he supposedly had an emotional affair with the ex-ex the whole time. In their eyes, our heroine would be sitting in the shadows with her arms crossed, glaring at him, satisfied that his perceived infidelity is getting him what he deserves, as she prepares to move on to grander things.

 

No, he's going away, with someone who faithfully bided her time, strategically planting a seed of doubt at the proper time, which only sprouted because our heroine's field was fertile for it to do so, and she's going to make damned sure that he's healed quite well in the next couple of weeks. If he's perceptive, he will understand her treachery soon enough, but on the other hand, the weed the ex-ex planted only choked out another weed- a weed of distrust, unspoken and unaddressed until it was too late.

 

I suppose the great thing about projection, false-narratives, jumping to conclusions, and emotionally detaching is that we can all sit here and say, "He'll get his! He's going to be miserable! He was a liar and a cheat, but we're not going to wait and see! We're moving on!", but the reality is that you'll never truly know what was in the man's heart, and apparently, never tried to know, because the time for communicating is gone, wasted, because that time was in the years before the proposal. Presumptions were made that whole time, just like they're being made now.

 

My point is not that there is a bad person and a good person in all of this. Sorry. I can't hop on that bandwagon. Nobody learns anything about themselves in all of that. We are human beings, and this situation occurred because unrealistic ideals about black and white love, communication that should have occurred but did not occur, and because many people these days believe in fairy tales, as if fairy tales just happen, as if it's a roll of the dice.

 

How many people have fairy tale relationships where neither communicated their concerns, wants, desires, and motives, but instead, judged in silence? It's as if keeping suspicions and concerns deep within ourselves, waiting for the other person to guess as to what's going on, is somehow a path to fulfillment. "I have these concerns, and by golly, he'd better guess correctly and address them! I'm Snow White, and the Prince should know what I'm thinking!"

 

Remember the divorce rate? Pay close attention to the rates of infidelity. They're both through the roof! One has a better chance of being cheated on or being divorced, than they do a healthy relationship, one that lasts a lifetime.

 

Understand that many who don't divorce or are unfaithful still have issues that are unresolved their entire lives. Fairy tale relationships happen when no stone is left unturned. Openness and honesty make for lifelong unions. That's my take from all of this, and if everyone wants to pile on the other guy, his family, and his ex-ex, based on little more than "It feels good to think this way. You go girl!", then the person who decided to end the relationship doesn't ever grow, and continues expecting pre-packaged perfection instead of working as a team, creating something as close to perfection as human beings can.

 

This discussion smacks of years of hidden suspicions and distrust, waiting for a time to derail what could have been a beautiful relationship, and people saying "You were right. He was disingenuous and underhanded, see!", while nothing is learned from the experience because of the piling on. All that I can really add to this train wreck is next time, ask the hard questions long before you have to make hard decisions, because Prince Charming is a human being, not a psychic. If that would have happened, if Prince Charming was truly Prince Charming, he wouldn't have proposed until he had worked hard to dispel those suspicions.

[doyathinkso]

Regarding your ex-boyfriend's father .... could he possibly be ANY more sanctimonious? Why I'll wager that when he breaks wind the room is filled with the sweet smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think she's trying to be the "martyr"; I doubt many women would happily marry a guy who openly admitted to them that his love of the life is someone else, and that someone else is still single and a big part of his life (and is still in love with him).

 

But he didn't love her the same. As his ex.

 

The love of our lives are the people we felt THE most for. We felt the highest degree of passion, emotional depth. We grinned like an idiot over the mere thought of them. They are like the feeling of a lazy summer at the beach or the excitable feeling of getting ready for an exciting event. The love of our lives are all the those feel good feelings rolled into one, at any random given moment, simply by being by their side, they provided us with a feeling unmatched by other lovers.

 

I am wholly sorry red head for your loss. I would never recover from losing the love of my life. I would eventually settl for a lesser love that I still loved a great deal sure. But let's not lie here ! It isn't as intense as then greatest love of our lives.

 

Some peoples are okay with not being the love of their partners lives.

Some people are not okay with it

Some people are okay with marrying a spouse that is not the great love of their lives.

Others like me, are not.

 

The OP doesn't even appear to mind that she isn't the love of his life. She just didn't want HER around so much sabotaging their relationship.

[Redhead14]

I am wholly sorry red head for your loss. I would never recover from losing the love of my life. I would eventually settl for a lesser love that I still loved a great deal sure. But let's not lie here ! It isn't as intense as then greatest love of our lives.

 

I have not "settled" for anything less than what I want and need from a relationship. And, I don't agree that there is less "intensity". It didn't start out as intense, but the intensity has grown incrementally over time which has been very nice. It's not getting old I do not compare the two in any way, shape or form. I live in the here and now and what's right in front of me, how I am feeling now.

 

And, it is not for anyone else in this world to TELL me, project for me or make decisions for themselves based on what they think is in my head, my heart or my mind. If I am not treating them or making them feel the way they need to feel or be treated, then they can move on but they should not presume anything about why that is.

 

If the OPs SO came to her and asked her to marry him, let's say a week before his ex dropped those "bombs" on her, would she have accepted his proposal?????

[Sweetfish]

Hm, I'm pretty certain she broke up with him, felt she wasn't ready to be in that kind of relationship or whatever!

Thing is, we had been together 4 years and I would have been overjoyed if all this had happened a month ago, I would have said yes but her comments got be thinking and unfortunately once thought you can't unthink!

 

I'm curious to know if even you trusted your ex 100%

 

Your with someone for 4 years and in an instance you change your mind on marriage based on the fact another woman wanted pole position??

 

You didn't change your mind based on your feeling for him... but because of another woman's feelings. Is your love for him that docile by others?

 

He is the most selfless man i know, he would always but other people before himself, he's committed to me

I feel like I'm standing in the way of his true happiness

When i first came to this board 4 years ago I wrote that he was my fairytale guy, but that i was worried that it was their (hers and his') fairytale.

I told him to look in my eyes and tell me that she's not the love of his life. He looked me in the eye for a moment and then said but this isnt about her, its about us, I'm proposing to you, I asking to spend my life with you, dont make it about her.

You made this about someone else... who cares how she feels. That's life.. as another poster said you can still love someone...but what matters is #1 and he wanted you to be his #1

 

She's lived with them for 4 years.

Long story short, her parents died when she was 13 so she lived with her gran. I think her and Dane met at like 14/15, he's one of 5 kids,so big family and they really took her under their wing.

She's pretty much best mates with his twin sister and close to one of his brothers longgg term gf.

Her gran died very suddenly not long after me and my bf started dating, his dad said she could stay with them for a bit and 4 years later she's still there!

 

She inherited so she could of moved out anytime! Honestly, my take is that she craves that family thing that they have in spades! They're honestly one of the tight knit, happy families I know! I think she's had a rough childhood and I think they're a replacement family for her.

The question is...? has he cheated on you? Slipped? have you caught him eyeing her? 4 years he has been faithful to you I assume and someone got jealous.... She got jealous and literally you handed the keys over...because of a drunk night drinking with his sister...

 

 

I see it as you with a commitment issue and trying to justify your problems for this non-commitment.

 

How does someone believe without a doubt one is loyal and committed and trusting... But because SOMEONE else wants the Ferrari you decide not to buy it.

 

Im sorry... I'm against the crowd on this one.. call me an A-hole...but you submitted because of your insecurities... it sounds like you feel you will not live up to this girl...so thus you submitted...for his true happiness or yours?

[anika99]

Even though that may be true, he understands and accepts that that is and should be in the past and has made the decision to move forward with someone he apparently at least loves equally as much.

 

The love of my life passed away a few years ago and yet, I have an SO that I love very, very much and in different ways. I love him for different reasons. While he is similar in some ways, yet he is different from that man who passed away. I love him for who HE is.

 

There isn't always just one "The One". You can love people in different ways and for different reasons. I just don't think it was fair of her to make that decision for him that way. He was honest and upfront with her apparently, but if he was making her feel wanted and loved and appreciated for who SHE is that's what should matter. Again, if he wasn't making her feel like his #1 in the here and now (not what might be going on in his head), then I get why she'd bail.

 

I'm very sorry the love of your life passed away. My greatest love also passed away almost 5 yrs ago. Its a heartache that never fully goes away so condolences.

 

However you are comparing apples to oranges. The greatest love in the OP's story did not pass away, she is still very much alive and not only is she still alive she is still very much involved in the OP's bf's life, on a daily basis. That is a huge and meaningful difference. As a matter of fact the exbf and his exgf (greatest love of his life) are about to take a 2wk vacation together.

 

Of course the exbf is free to do whatever he wants since the OP broke up with him but it sure doesn't seem like he's grieving very much since he gets to go spend 2wks on a exotic vacation with the love of his life. The OP herself said she would be fine with being Plan b (not the greatest love of his life, so long as Plan A (the greatest love of his life) was actually over and done, which it is not.

[JuneL]

OP: Did Dane know that the ex has leaked his planned proposal to you and told you to your face that she still loves him? I imagine many guys in that situation would go tell the ex off! It's also extremely insensitive of him to say to your face that the ex (who is still very much available and around all the time) is the love of his life. There are things you just shouldn't say to hurt people. But he didn't even bother with a white lie.

 

For those of you who have compared Dane's relationship with his ex to your relationship with your deceased husband/fiancee, it's totally not a fair comparison. This ex is still very much available and around all the time who secretly (or not so secretly now) want each other.

Edited March 30, 2017 by JuneL

[Redhead14]

it's totally not a fair comparison. -- I have not compared anything at all. I've said that there can be more than one love in a person's life and it is not for anyone else to decide if/when you are ready to move forward with your life.

 

The OP sabotaged this for reasons she'll have to evaluate for herself in her "own mirror". The relationship was good and stable before his ex dropped her bombs. That says a ton. And, if her reason was actually based on how SHE was feeling in the relationship and that insecurity existed before the bomb, that's fine. Otherwise, she burnt a bridge that wasn't hers to burn.

[JuneL]

it's totally not a fair comparison. --

 

The OP sabotaged this for reasons she'll have to evaluate for herself in her "own mirror". The relationship was good and stable before his ex dropped her bombs. That says a ton. And, if her reason was actually based on how SHE was feeling in the relationship and that insecurity existed before the bomb, that's fine. Otherwise, she burnt a bridge that wasn't hers to burn.

 

In this case, the bomb dropping has saved her from a lifetime of headaches. It made her realize that her then boyfriend and the ex had been having an emotional affair all along. Some people may be blinded sided to think that they are having a good relationship/marriage, even when their SOs are having an affair on the side.

[Sweetfish]

In this case, the bomb dropping has saved her from a lifetime of headaches. It made her realize that her then boyfriend and the ex had been having an emotional affair all along. Some people may be blinded sided to think that they are having a good relationship/marriage, even when their SOs are having an affair on the side.

 

 

Lifetime of headache... ?? You know this how?

 

No what transpired is the ex now transfered his feeling to another person to not feel the pain of rejection... classic personal defense... he pretty much rebounded hard after his girl of 4 years rejected him.

 

The OP needs time to self reflect and see if she simply has commitment issues...

[Grathblagg]

If this thread is any proof, in the Land of the Blind, the one-eyed man is king.

 

Or, never go to a house of misery unless you're looking for misery.

 

Not only is the prevailing opinion that the ex-boyfriend is a cheater, but now, his father is underhanded as well. Does the ex have any pets? I bet they're the worst pets ever.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Grathblagg

[Mackie]

@Grathblagg:

I hear you. I appreciate what you're saying. I appreciate hearing, i agree with a lot of what you say.

 

I don't think that love is black and white. I caertainly can undeerstand that we can love multiple people and in multiple ways.

I could live with the fact he still loved her, I could live with her always being that, maybe more 'intense' love, because the love we had was real, and strong, and because i trusted him! That wasnt so much the issue, it's more the massive part of his life she still is, and of his families. Its the feelings he has for her combined with that. Not because i think he'd cheat but because I their love or whatever, is always going to be there, in front of my eyes, family BBQ's, days at the track, Christmases, she's always going to be a part of that.

I thought that i was okay with that because, well, I had the guy! But In that moment i suddenly doubted i could.

 

And maybe that does mean i'm insecure. I don't know. Maybe that's something that I have to.. consider, I don't know.

I think the real insecurity in me was that, we were happy and moving forward in a life together, and when you make a plan its hard to walk away from that, its scary! Thats probably why i didnt raise concerns earlier, I feel maybe thats why he didnt either, by the time she came back around to wanting a relationship with him he was already committed to a relationship with me, I guess that I'm not, i never was, sure that given the choice, from a blank starting point her or me, I don't know that i'd win that.

And i know maybe it doesnt matter because he was with me, but, when im seeing them together like 3x a week, it did matter.

 

I don't put all the blame at his door! I don't see myself as a heroine and i certainly don't believe he's a villain nor that his dad thinks he is one!! I honestly don't hope "he gets his" or anything like that, I hope he's happy. He's a good man, he deserves to be happy!

 

However i dont believe on any level that im a commitment phobe! Commitment is what i want. I want marriage, and kids, and a white picket fence, thats what ive always wanted in life! I still want it, I would still love all that with him, but I want him without his ex in his life, but i know thats not fair, thats not something you can ask of someone!

 

If he loved his ex-ex in such a way as to want to spend his life with her, and she obviously regretted turning him down, loving him still for all these years, why did he propose to our heroine instead? He could have had his ex-ex any time that he wanted.

But he was with me. He was moving forward in a life with me. Everything i know about him tells me that he would never 'end us', I believe that no matter what his feelings for his ex. He's all about doing right by people, being loyal, faithful. I don't believe he'd ever ended it.

 

She saw love as black and white and could not fathom the idea that he might just be capable of loving her to the fullest, and at the same time, love his ex-ex in a different way, none of this being mutually exclusive or crossing the line into unfaithfulness.

Its not that so much as yeah maybe he loves us both in different ways but she is still here, still in his daily life and i dont want to live in a harem (if thats the right word?)!

 

[QOUTE]Being faced with heartbreak, and having someone around who adored him, he decided to heal himself in a way that is common with men and women- to distract himself in the sack with someone who seemingly values him for who he is.

No, he's going away, with someone who faithfully bided her time, strategically planting a seed of doubt at the proper time, which only sprouted because our heroine's field was fertile for it to do so, and she's going to make damned sure that he's healed quite well in the next couple of weeks. If he's perceptive, he will understand her treachery soon enough, but on the other hand, the weed the ex-ex planted only choked out another weed-

I understand that, i don't think it puts any mark on his character that he's going away with her. I know i hurt him. I know she's right there to pick up the pieces. I'm not surprised.

 

a weed of distrust, unspoken and unaddressed until it was too late.

I cant argue that. I should have communicated to him earlier, i shouldnt of pretended i was okay with stuff when i wasnt!

 

My point is not that there is a bad person and a good person in all of this. Sorry.

I certainly don't believe that to be the case either!

 

All that I can really add to this train wreck is next time, ask the hard questions long before you have to make hard decisions

Yeah I realise that now..

[Mackie]

And, it is not for anyone else in this world to TELL me, project for me or make decisions for themselves based on what they think is in my head, my heart or my mind. If I am not treating them or making them feel the way they need to feel or be treated, then they can move on but they should not presume anything about why that is.

I get what your saying i do. He treated me better than i could ever have asked for... but i didnt want to share him with his ex, so maybe thats what it comes down to.. I didnt want to share him, and I was.

 

But that doesnt mean i dont sway all over the place, sometimes i feel like ive made a terrible mistake, sometimes i feel like ive done the right thing!

 

If the OPs SO came to her and asked her to marry him, let's say a week before his ex dropped those "bombs" on her, would she have accepted his proposal?????

Yeah, I probably would of.......... but I think the issue would have been there somewhere, under the surface.

 

 

I'm curious to know if even you trusted your ex 100%

I trust 100% he wouldnt cheat

I trust 100% he was fully committed

I trust 100% he meant it when he said he loved me

I never trusted 100% that if he could have either me or her (and that didnt require him to break up with someone) that he would choose me.

 

You didn't change your mind based on your feeling for him... but because of another woman's feelings. Is your love for him that docile by others?

You made this about someone else... who cares how she feels. That's life.. as another poster said you can still love someone...but what matters is #1 and he wanted you to be his #1

What can I say? Like what can i say? I know i broke his heart! I feel horrible! I know i said goodbye to the best man, i've had the privilege to be with! I know! It's me that looses! I sit here, in this empty flat and i think of all the things ive lost! He was my best friend! He was my preset and my future! I don't know what i do with my life now, so what do i say?

 

The question is...? has he cheated on you? Slipped? have you caught him eyeing her? 4 years he has been faithful to you I assume and someone got jealous.... She got jealous and literally you handed the keys over...because of a drunk night drinking with his sister...

He never cheated on me

 

I see it as you with a commitment issue and trying to justify your problems for this non-commitment.

Thats so wrong. There is nothing i want more in this life than a family! I dont want a flash car or a beach house or fancy clothes. I want a family! And i wanted it with him, so badly! Its BS that im non committal! Its just BS!

 

but you submitted because of your insecurities... it sounds like you feel you will not live up to this girl...so thus you submitted...for his true happiness or yours?

I don't want to live in a competition, i don't want to have to be living up to anyone all the time

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Mackie, please don't feel that you have to justify yourself to anyone on this board, because you don't.

 

You made the right decision for you.

 

Take care.

[Mackie]

OP: Did Dane know that the ex has leaked his planned proposal to you and told you to your face that she still loves him?

He knows she told me she loved him. But i asked her didnt I, so she can just say she was being honest! I dont think i said about the proposal

I imagine many guys in that situation would go tell the ex off!

I don't know what conversations he had with her. I'm sure they've talked. Obviously their relationship maintains intact.

It's also extremely insensitive of him to say to your face that the ex (who is still very much available and around all the time) is the love of his life. There are things you just shouldn't say to hurt people. But he didn't even bother with a white lie.

I cant blame him for that. I pushed him for it really, didn't I! I basically old him that if it was true i needed to here it!

 

This ex is still very much available and around all the time who secretly (or not so secretly now) want each other.

This is very much a reality!

[Sweetfish]

I get what your saying i do. He treated me better than i could ever have asked for... but i didnt want to share him with his ex, so maybe thats what it comes down to.. I didnt want to share him, and I was.

 

But that doesnt mean i dont sway all over the place, sometimes i feel like ive made a terrible mistake, sometimes i feel like ive done the right thing!

 

 

Yeah, I probably would of.......... but I think the issue would have been there somewhere, under the surface.

 

 

 

I trust 100% he wouldnt cheat

I trust 100% he was fully committed

I trust 100% he meant it when he said he loved me

I never trusted 100% that if he could have either me or her (and that didnt require him to break up with someone) that he would choose me.

 

 

What can I say? Like what can i say? I know i broke his heart! I feel horrible! I know i said goodbye to the best man, i've had the privilege to be with! I know! It's me that looses! I sit here, in this empty flat and i think of all the things ive lost! He was my best friend! He was my preset and my future! I don't know what i do with my life now, so what do i say?

 

 

He never cheated on me

 

 

Thats so wrong. There is nothing i want more in this life than a family! I dont want a flash car or a beach house or fancy clothes. I want a family! And i wanted it with him, so badly! Its BS that im non committal! Its just BS!

 

 

I don't want to live in a competition, i don't want to have to be living up to anyone all the time

 

 

Im am not looking for approval from the O.P. or for her to justify her actions.

 

The idea of marriage was changed because of someone elses feelings and other peoples feelings should not dictate your future who are not even in a relationship with you.

 

What if you married and found out later? Would you divorce him.

 

This is not a competition... you were with him for 4 years and in one instance everything changed from one who was committed to one who could not commit.

 

This is a issue of commitment... because that is what marriage is.... it was your decision to say no.