He proposed and I said no! Did I make a mistake?Update: I think we're really over now

[preraph]

Wow!!

 

I had a brief flashback to that episode of Friends where Ross falls in love with Julie but lets her go for Rachel because "it's always been you, Rachel." And you are Julie.

 

I am so very sorry you are going through this. But...I'm also so impressed with how you handled it and finally getting to the root of things.

 

I want to know, though, if "she" was there in the same room, or nearby, during your conversation?

 

And did she know you were coming? The fact that she answered the door floored me. That would have completely taken me off guard.

 

Big hugs to you!

 

Yes, and Ross wasn't any catch, so it was a hard storyline for me to stomach. He had been a jerk and then when they had them make up, I was barfing.

[Decorum]

Pardon me for pipping up at the end here.

 

It's entirely possible that she doesn't actually want him, at least for now. She just doesn't want him to be unavailable later if the need arises.

 

When it became clear he was going to propose she drove a wedge in so he would not be locked up later.

 

In other words, "I don't want him (for now at least), I just don't want anyone else to have him."

 

Now she has several years to lead him on while scoping out her options.

 

I don't think your relationship was that healthy, he was working too hard to be a guy a girl could say no to.

 

His self esteem was damaged and he has never dealt with it openly.

 

Here is a tip, someone with a healthy self-esteem cannot be easily manipulated.

 

It was too good to be true.

 

I wish you well.

Take care!

Edited March 27, 2017 by Decorum

[Poutrew]

You did good, kid. Real good. Your man wanted two wives. One to be legal with, and one unofficial, hanging around for the times you don't give him what he wants. If you ever doubt yourself, picture yourself 5 years from now, married and with a couple of babies. Then, you look over at his First Love, and she is pregnant as well, with his (of course) child...Imagine how you'd be feeling. Then realize that this scenario was only a scary dream and not real because you walked out of the situation.

[Mackie]

I'm sure it must be hard, I cant even imagine. I totally get why you'd be hurtin' & over-analysing, of course you are.

I don't have any world beating post break up advice but I did want to say that through everything you write you have come across as an incredibly classy lady who has handled a totally shyt situation with a hell of a lot of grace and empathy. And that tells me that however bad you feel right now you're gonna be just fine, and make some guy very lucky one day! You're certainly right to leave him, even if he is a great guy, you don't deserve to be someones second pick, dont settle for that!

Aw well thank you! I'm not sure I've handled it all that amazingly but what can I do, you can't make other people feel what you want them to can you, it wouldnt make me feel any better to be horrible to him, I really do want him to be happy!

[Mackie]

I had a brief flashback to that episode of Friends where Ross falls in love with Julie but lets her go for Rachel because "it's always been you, Rachel." And you are Julie.

I love friends, but no girl wants to be Julie, do they!! I maybe I've always felt like that thought, however good our relationship was, however confident in us i was, my irrational worry has always been that despite the difficulties they've had, she was his "leading lady" and i guess now, it wasnt that irrational after all!

 

I am so very sorry you are going through this. But...I'm also so impressed with how you handled it and finally getting to the root of things.

Thank you

 

I want to know, though, if "she" was there in the same room, or nearby, during your conversation?

And did she know you were coming? The fact that she answered the door floored me. That would have completely taken me off guard.

She wasn't in the room. She answered the door, we spoke briefly (awkwardly), she walked me to the lounge and then said she was going to go make dinner.

But she had he laptop and photos all over the coffee table, and I clocked she had wine on the table next to his beer, so they obviously had been sat together before i got there, I guess he was helping her go through photos or whatever.

Did she know i was coming? I don't know, he knew I was coming at some point late afternoon, i'd be surprised if he didn't tell her. She was the only other person home when I got there, she looked vaguely surprised when she opened the door.

 

 

 

It's entirely possible that she doesn't actually want him, at least for now. She just doesn't want him to be unavailable later if the need arises.

When it became clear he was going to propose she drove a wedge in so he would not be locked up later.

In other words, "I don't want him (for now at least), I just don't want anyone else to have him."

Wellll, i can't worry about their relationship. Whether they get together or they dont, thats for them to figure out! I know thats easy to say now and I know I'm certainly not ready to think about them being a couple right now but, it's there lives.

 

I don't think she's a horrible girl. We've never really seen eye to eye despite the fact that the family all love her. I know that she's had a lot of heartache, but I've just always found her a bit 'full on', she'll veers between being centre of attention, life of the party or being quite aloof. The only thing I can say is that my kid brother is only 9 and he's autistic and she is really so good with him, like probably one of the best people outside of the family with him, that's the only time I've ever liked her. The palatable connection between her and dane hasnt helped with our relationship I guess, but i don't hate her, although on paper me and Dane are a much better fit than Flick and Dane.

 

I don't think your relationship was that healthy, he was working too hard to be a guy a girl could say no to.

His self esteem was damaged and he has never dealt with it openly.

Yeah. In retrospect you may have a good point. I think maybe he has spent 4 years being exactly what he thinks he should be, a boyfriend should be, what I would want, whereas with her I think maybe he is more himself. Like I say, me and him would never argue (we just had was was quite a horrible break up and we still barely raised our voices at each other) whereas him and her bicker like siblings! Ah I dunno, its so easily to go over and over in hindsight now! Our relationship was everything i ever wanted, he was everything i wanted in a man. It all felt so right! But clearly it wasnt!

 

It was too good to be true.

Ha now aint that the truth!!

[1fish2fish]

Yes, and Ross wasn't any catch, so it was a hard storyline for me to stomach. He had been a jerk and then when they had them make up, I was barfing.

 

 

LOL!!! Totally agree!

[usa1ah]

I don't know, I don't know.

 

I honestly believe he would never do wrong by anyone, he would always but others happiness above his. So I dont believe he would of ever called time on our relationship and so maybe I'm being utterly crazy, maybe we should be celebrating our engagement now!

 

But i honestly believe he loves her too, he admitted as much, I think the only reason they're not together is me. I just don't know. If he's staying with me just because he committed to me and hence he thinks it's the right thing to do, then that's wrong, that's not fair on either of us!

I felt like I was doing this noble thing, I felt like I was setting him free! But now I just feel like a piece of s*** that's broken his heart, and for what!? I love him.

 

 

No they are not together because she said no for her own reasons.

 

You said no because of your insecurities about them. Big difference for saying no.

 

You screwed up.

[1fish2fish]

 

She wasn't in the room. She answered the door, we spoke briefly (awkwardly), she walked me to the lounge and then said she was going to go make dinner.

But she had he laptop and photos all over the coffee table, and I clocked she had wine on the table next to his beer, so they obviously had been sat together before i got there, I guess he was helping her go through photos or whatever.

Did she know i was coming? I don't know, he knew I was coming at some point late afternoon, i'd be surprised if he didn't tell her. She was the only other person home when I got there, she looked vaguely surprised when she opened the door.

 

 

 

 

 

Ya know...if she had any class at all, she would have removed herself from his life completely after turning down his proposal. At the very least, she should have severed ties when he started dating you exclusively. I agree with the above poster - she wants him on the backburner in case she changes her mind.

 

How are you doing today and what are your immediate next steps?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

No they are not together because she said no for her own reasons.

 

You said no because of your insecurities about them. Big difference for saying no.

 

You screwed up.

 

 

You might want to finish reading the rest of the thread because it turns out her instincts were actually spot on. She did not screw up.

[preraph]

To me, with her living there and him having known her so long, she sounds like a step-sister, which only makes it worse. He might have boundary issues. She definitely does and his parents as well. No reason to think he doesn't.

[spiderowl]

This is a really difficult situation. What do you do if you love someone and they do not want you? Eventually you try to move on and you open yourself up to meeting others. This is how he met you. I feel I cannot blame him for doing his best to move on. He may really love you and want to be with you but somewhere he still loves her too. What a crappy situation for all of you! I think you sensed this deep down and he has confessed his feelings for her now. He must be torn apart as you are. Feelings are not controllable: in an ideal world he would have been able to switch off his feelings for her and been entirely happy with you. He probably still could be very happy with you. It's very sad actually. I can't imagine your pain. I can understand why you acted the way you did because of an underlying unease. At least you two can be apart for a while and see how feelings work out. It is always possible he will realise you had become his true love - anything is possible and love works in mysterious ways. I wouldn't bank on though: the unconscious mind has its own way of making itself known. I'm so sorry.

[JuneL]

OP: I am so sorry you are hurting, but I think you have made the right decision. Your (now ex) boyfriend seems pretty messed up deep down, though he appears to be a very nice guy on surface.

 

Just a few questions:

 

- If his ex has always been in love with him, why did she reject his proposal 4 years ago?

 

- Why would he propose to her when he was barely 18? Did they go to college? Do they work now?

 

- Is she about his age? It's quite odd that she's still staying with his family instead of moving out to be an independent adult. She can still be close to his family without living with them.

Edited March 27, 2017 by JuneL

[Raena]

I'm sorry you are going through this but at least now you know you weren't just overreacting. Listening to, trusting in and following through on your gut instincts can be difficult at times, especially when you don't want it to be true.

 

How long after she refused his proposal and ended their relationship did he start dating you? It seems like if he was 18 when their relationship ended and 18 when he started dating you then he never really had the time to get over it and heal before trying to move on.

[Leigh 87]

He actually did right thing.

 

Not many people get to marry the greatat love of their life.

 

The one person who made us feel their most intense, in terms of our emotional capabilities, are never the ones we tend to end up with.

 

He tried to do what most reasonable adults do; move in from the one girl he fell super hard for and didn't want him- and seek out a suitable partner who he may not fall as head over else for in the exact same way, but who could fulfil his desire to raise a in a monogamous environment with.

 

He never saw you as second best. He just mature enough to realise that there are different types of love and that being head over heels and enamoured is not necessary for a long and happy relationship or marriage.

 

Personally, I DO need the great love of my life and I need to be considered theirs. And no-- this does not count the guys who fall Gaga over any pretty girl and call several girls the love of their lives. I am also aware that most people who hold out for this fairytale remain perpetually single for life. Chasing unavailable men or women that make their hearts flutter instead of settling for less dazzling chemistry with a more compatible individual who actually likes them back.

 

I am like you. I would not be thrilled to marry a man who already had met the love of his life. I would need to surpass all their exes.

 

When I say surpass all their exes I don't mean in looks. I am average and will never be the prettiest girl any guy has dated. I am talking about that feeling a man has....the chemical click the way 2 people fit together and love each other more brightly than many prettier girls or more handsome guys triggered in them.

 

You did the right thing.

 

He wasn't in the wrong, however. He was just doing what most adults who want marriage and children do: seek out someone they are very fold of and grow to love a lot. Sky illuminating fireworks in their hearts is simply not necessary for most people.

[Chi townD]

Well, I'm proud of the fact that you met up with him and put it all out there.

 

I kind of feel sorry for him. He's chasing after a dream for the wrong girl. He wants marriage, the house in the suburbs, white picket fences with 2.5 kids. And his Ex doesn't. Yet, she's still in the picture. Therefore, while she's still in the picture and injecting herself in his life, he'll always think that there's a chance. Why wouldn't he think that way? Why else would she still be hanging around? (At least, that's what is probably going through his head).

 

So, you are right. I think it's time to bow out and minimize the pain. You need to start going straight NO CONTACT on him. It's time to heal and move on. Sorry to say, one day he's going to wake up and realize that he was holding out for someone that doesn't want the same things in life. So, the only one that is REALLY going to feel the pain is him when he finally realizes that. But, not your problem anymore. He made his choice.

 

You should never be someones consolation prize. You are not someone's second best. So, now that I have a better understanding of your situation, I agree that it's time for you to move on. I really believe that there is a guy out there for you. That's going to be perfect for you in every way possible. And he's going to want to be with you because there's no other place in the world he'd rather be. This guy isn't it. I still think that this guy is a nice guy, but I think that he's lost in a dream. And it's unfortunate for him, because I think he's losing something really great.

 

I know you're hurting and it's going to take some time to get over this. Just remember, there's a guy out there and he's looking to find you right now. Life is full of up's and down's. But, we have to endure the down's or else the up's won't mean anything. So, keep your chin up, okay?

[Mackie]

Ya know...if she had any class at all, she would have removed herself from his life completely after turning down his proposal.

I can't imagine hanging around my exs family after a break up, even less so if I'd turned down there proposal! I'm literally dreading bumping into any of his family!

How are you doing today and what are your immediate next steps?

Pffttt I dunno, I had a awful day at work today and normally it wouldn't have got to me but I just don't feel in a place to cope with anything right now! I'm thinking about him a lot.

Well he's coming over tomorrow to get his stuff, he's moved back home and he's said he's willing to pay his share of April and Mays rent so I could stay at out place for another two months, but I want to move much sooner than that! This is our place not mine, and his family home is 15 mins walk I really don't want to be bumping into him and her all the time! So I guess I'll have to start house hunting.

[Mackie]

Not many people get to marry the greatat love of their life.

The one person who made us feel their most intense, in terms of our emotional capabilities, are never the ones we tend to end up with.

 

He tried to do what most reasonable adults do; move in from the one girl he fell super hard for and didn't want him- and seek out a suitable partner who he may not fall as head over else for in the exact same way, but who could fulfil his desire to raise a in a monogamous environment with.

 

He never saw you as second best. He just mature enough to realise that there are different types of love and that being head over heels and enamoured is not necessary for a long and happy relationship or marriage.

 

Eventually you try to move on and you open yourself up to meeting others. This is how he met you. I feel I cannot blame him for doing his best to move on. He may really love you and want to be with you but somewhere he still loves her too. What a crappy situation for all of you! I think you sensed this deep down and he has confessed his feelings for her now. He must be torn apart as you are. Feelings are not controllable: in an ideal world he would have been able to switch off his feelings for her and been entirely happy with you. He probably still could be very happy with you. It's very sad actually.

 

This is It! I don't hate him, or at all! I don't even really blame him! I'm just really really sad

 

It's hard, becuasse I still think about what Leigh says, I know in my heart of hearts he'd of been a good husband and a good father and I know we would have been happy! And I'm. not a romanticist, I think I could live without not being the fairytale love of his life as long as we had love and commitment and loyalty!

But I just know I can't do it while the girl who apparently is the love of his life remains his friend, lives with his family and confesses her live for him! That's the step to far, even though it really really hurts!

[Mackie]

Your (now ex) boyfriend

So weird to call him this

 

- If his ex has always been in love with him, why did she reject his proposal 4 years ago?

I dunno, I'm not that close to her! ...I think she has grown up a lot in the last 4 years though, when I think back to the girl I first met to the girl I know now, maybe she just wasn't ready, I dunno!

- Why would he propose to her when he was barely 18? Did they go to college? Do they work now?

Well, I think it's simply what he's always wanted! He was a mature 18, I guess he felt ready! Plus his parents got married very young, and 2 of his brothers got serious very young with there gf's so I think it's the example he's been set too!

Yeah, he's a coastguard and lifeboat crew, she's a photographer for magazines, mostly sports or scenery/travel type photography.

- Is she about his age? It's quite odd that she's still staying with his family instead of moving out to be an independent adult. She can still be close to his family without living with them.

Yeah same age. Yeah, like I say she's basically inherited twice, plus like life insurance etc, she could afford to move out and buy a house outright easy!

I think if you asked her she'd say that because she's currently doing quite a bit of travelling for work there's no point moving out! But I don't really buy that, I think it's like a security type thing, she's had a lot of upheavel, a lot of heartache As a kid and young teen, I think that's taken it's toll!

[Mackie]

I'm sorry you are going through this but at least now you know you weren't just overreacting. Listening to, trusting in and following through on your gut instincts can be difficult at times, especially when you don't want it to be true.

True! Although for once I'd of loved to be wrong!!

 

How long after she refused his proposal and ended their relationship did he start dating you? It seems like if he was 18 when their relationship ended and 18 when he started dating you then he never really had the time to get over it and heal before trying to move on.

Urn I don't know exactly but we're defo talking months not years!

 

My friend is friends with his sister, which is how I met him one time. Then I finally gave in let my friend send me on his blind date and it turned out to be him! When I walked in to that pub I was so nervous I almost backed out and then I saw it was him and I was so happy! I just knew that it was right!

He always said it would be a great story to tell the grandkids!

[JuneL]

Thanks for responding. Honestly, if I were proposed by a guy whom I knew was the love of my life at that tender age (18), I would say no without a doubt. In this case, your boyfriend should have been much more patient instead of taking it personally and breaking up with her. He seems to have this hangup of getting married asap without seeing from his girlfriend's perspective.

Edited March 28, 2017 by JuneL

[Mackie]

Thanks for responding. Honestly, if I were proposed by a guy whom I knew was the love of my life at that tender age (18), I would say no without a doubt. In this case, your boyfriend should have been much more patient instead of taking it personally and breaking up with her. He seems to have this hangup of getting married asap without seeing from his girlfriend's perspective.

 

Hm, I'm pretty certain she broke up with him, felt she wasn't ready to be in that kind of relationship or whatever!

Thing is, we had been together 4 years and I would have been overjoyed if all this had happened a month ago, I would have said yes but her comments got be thinking and unfortunately once thought you can't unthink!

[olivetree]

Hey Mackie,

 

I just wanted to commend you for your immense strength and courage.

 

What you did wasn't easy - you gave up the love of YOUR life (thus far) who was promising you forever to stay true to yourself.

 

I know you're hurting so much right now.

But eventually it will hurt less and less.

You'll probably question yourself over and over.

But one day I think you will look back and be proud that you didn't settle for less than you deserve, especially when you find an even greater love whose heart only belongs to you.

[Mackie]

Hey Mackie,

 

I just wanted to commend you for your immense strength and courage.

 

What you did wasn't easy - you gave up the love of YOUR life (thus far) who was promising you forever to stay true to yourself.

 

I know you're hurting so much right now.

But eventually it will hurt less and less.

You'll probably question yourself over and over.

But one day I think you will look back and be proud that you didn't settle for less than you deserve, especially when you find an even greater love whose heart only belongs to you.

Thank you so much!!!

 

Literally this is the hardest decision i've ever made, and following it through is every bit as hard! I've never loved anyone more than I loved him, than i still love him.

[Mackie]

He came over to get his stuff this morning.

I knew it was going to be so hard but I could feel myself get excited to see him which is why this has got to be it now really, I certainly cant be his 'friend', I told him that. I told him I'm looking to move out of the area.

 

He was obviously low but less emotional that previously, I think because moving is something practical he's doing. But I think I was less strong than i have been, less strong that i would have like...

 

He told me that he's struggling with us splitting so suddenly and he can't stand all the "ah but you were such a great couple, i would never of seen this coming" (which i completely feel him on), so he's going to get away for a bit.

But this means he's intending to tag along with his ex when she heads out to Thailand for 2 weeks for work in a fortnight. He wanted to make it clear to me that this was as friends and blah blah blah, but I just feel like, i know he is hurting, i get that, he thought id say yes, he thought we'd spend forever together, he's proposed twice in what he thought were happy relationships and both times it resulted in a immediate break up. I dont like to see him hurt and i feel for him.

 

BUT he's going to trot off back to the family farm, and not long from now he'll be sipping cocktails sat on some gorgeous beach in Thailand where he can cry on the shoulder of 'the love of his life' who apparently loves him back!

Whereas i walk away with, what? I need to sort a place to live and work and put my life back together.

I don't mean to sound like a bratty little kid like "life's not fair" and i don't mean to detract from the heartache he obviously feels but in weak moments I cant help but feel like from the outside his life looks pretty much intact whereas mine is shattered!!

 

He was really nice though. Of course he was he's always really nice! He gave me a massive cuddle and he said he was sorry if he made it harder for me because he didn't understand at the time, that he respects where I'm coming from now even if its not what he wanted. That he respects why I need to minimise contact between us from here but that he wants me to never forget that i always have a friend in him, anytime, anything, doesn't matter if its a week from now or 5 years from now, he's there for me if I ever need him.

I know he means it as well, he's that kind of guy!

[PegNosePete]

Why are you having all those discussions with him?

 

Coming to pick up stuff should mean knock on door, here's your boxes handed over the threshold, goodbye.