Letter to an Ex UPDATE: She Messaged!

[Dandannydandan]

Hi guys,

 

First time poster, thinking I'll become a regular.

 

I generally know that sending a letter to an ex-partner is a big no no, but I was hoping to get some advice from those who have sent or have received them. Has it ever worked? Are there certain things you liked or didn't like to see in the message?

 

Anyway, here's a bit of a story. My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago via text message, we never had the chance to meet up or discuss what had happened in the relationship (we both hate confrontation) despite me originally trying to push for it. After a few weeks of NC I sent her a gift, flowers and a "happy birthday" text for her 40th birthday as a message of goodwill, but got nothing back. When we broke up she said that she still loved me (but was not "in love") and was worried about me as I've had a lot of struggles going on in my life, but now it sounds like all that was a lie and she's cut contact, unless she just needs space, I don't know.

 

I was going to send her a letter discussing everything that happened as I never got the chance to in person. She had asked me how I thought about everything to which I haven't answered her, as I had wanted to do it in person.

 

Here's the letter, sorry it's so long. I'd like an outsiders and impartial opinion on it because my mind is irrational at the moment. Thanks!

 

......

 

Dear Dan's Ex

 

I thought I'd write this because we never really got the chance to answer your questions about how I felt about you, the relationship and everything that was going on. I know relationships are a two way street and I know you've got your own thoughts about everything, but I wanted to tell you what I was feeling, and from my end at least why maybe it didn't work out.

 

I agree with you that neither of us were in a great place in the relationship, I agree it felt similar to before and we weren't perhaps the happiest with each other. I understood when you said we had lost the "wow" factor. I feel that, like before, maybe we weren't too happy in ourselves, and maybe that caused us to not be extremely happy in the relationship.

 

I haven't been in the best place for quite a while as you probably know, and maybe when we got back together into a relationship it was too soon, and we weren't as happy in ourselves as we thought we were (or I wasn't at least).

 

When we got back together I had a good group of (albeit temporary) friends and my visa went through and I thought I was turning a corner. But then the friends I had all left, the client at work pulled the plug and work was thin and I was really concerned about my visa, and then work stopped altogether and then the cancer tests, it all flared up everything that I was going through before. I realise that I never really got rid of the unhappiness I was going through before.

 

I felt so happy with you when we got back together. Although we were taking it slow, at the beginning it felt a bit like when we first met again. After a few weeks that spark faded, and I don't know how much the above, me withdrawing back into unhappiness and "survival mode" affected that, but with the timing of it all maybe it affected our relationship quite a lot.

 

I went to the doctors about what has been going on with me over the last 18 months, and how I’ve been feeling. He diagnosed me with having chronic tension headaches, depression and anxiety and referred me to a psychologist, who I've been seeing for a couple of months now. I should have gone so much sooner, but it was hard to admit I needed help, I didn’t want to show that I was weak and struggling.

 

You know the story, but over the last few months it got to the point where the tiniest thing would get me worked up, I’ve been suffering with a dull headache that’s there literally 24 hours a day. It's like mentally I’m constantly running at either 100 miles an hour and always on edge, or I wasn't running at all. Again I could no longer find enjoyment in anything I was doing, I felt hollow, a shell of who I was, and it scared me. I kept suppressing it telling myself it was all irrational and it'd pass, but it just got worse. I became withdrawn, stubborn and apathetic.

 

I put up a wall and lived in survival mode for so long that it affected my ability to communicate and build relationships with you and everybody else. I could consciously see myself closing up again, to the point where I couldn’t have anything beyond a basic conversation with anyone. I know it sounds like a broken record, but it’s only over the last few weeks that I’ve really identified the problems I have, the help I need and what I need to do to fix them, as opposed to waiting and hoping for things to get better.

 

I don't know how happy you were in yourself (outside of the relationship), you said this was something that was affecting you and us before, like seeing your friends more, exercising more and you felt like you weren’t happy in yourself too. I know you've had a lot going on the last few months as well with moving to a new apartment, a new job and your 40th birthday. I don’t know if you maybe just needed some space and time on your own, if you were struggling with your own happiness still.

 

I felt like I was relying on you too much to make me happy instead of you being an extension of my happiness, I was suffocating you a bit because I didn't really have anyone else, my constant low mood was hanging like a grey cloud, and maybe that was unfair on us.

 

I haven’t been in the right place mentally to take our or any relationship to the next level, it was not because I wasn't in love with you, there were just all the other issues, and I shut everybody out.

 

I know it's not something that's going to be fixed in a couple of weeks or months like maybe I thought before, but I'm trying to work on it, I've needed to take a step back, press the reset button, try to sort myself out properly and get the care-free and excitable me from 2 years ago back.

 

It’s unfair for me to be in a relationship at the moment, until I can sort out my issues. I haven't been myself, I wasn't myself, I wasn’t happy in myself and had low self-esteem. How could I really make anyone else happy?

 

I completely understood what you meant when you said we became more like best friends, that spark had faded. However I've always believed that relationships are built on being best friends, and you are my best friend, I don't want to lose you from my life. You are a beautiful person and I love how you made me feel. The feelings I have for you go far beyond friendship but it’s been a hard to show them, open myself up and let you in. Even though I closed up I felt I had a bond with you than I’ve not had with anyone before.

 

You said that you couldn’t work out why you weren’t feeling how you should about me anymore. Maybe it’s because you could remember what I was like when we first met, the person you fell in love with, and over the last 18 months I haven’t been that person. Maybe down the line when things are better and I’ve got rid of my issues and depression (or at least managing them better) and I’m getting back to how I was before, maybe those feelings and wow factor will come back, maybe there could be something more. I don’t know, I don't know how you feel in your heart. But all I know is I need a friend at the moment.

 

As I wrote at the start this is all just how I've been feeling and from my perspective. I know you have your own thoughts, and I hope we can share them sometime.

 

Dan

[Marc878]

Good lord!!!!! Another letter pouring your heart out?

 

Never send this. Cmon man she dumped you and your flowers and this say you can treat me like dirt and "I'm still here for you".

 

The needy, clingy act just lowers your status even more. You chase they flee further away.

 

Women find weakness very unnattractive.

[Dandannydandan]

Thanks Marc.

 

I know it's unattractive. I've been trying to hide my weakness from her all the time we were together, and she kept on asking me to open up (I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for a good 18 months) and I'm thinking it's not a good idea to keep suppressing it.

 

She was the only one who knew my struggles and the only one I can feel I can admit this too. My family are all on the other side of the world and I have no friends I am close enough to here to open up to.

 

I've never been someone to talk about my problems, or to show weakness, and it's got me nowhere so far. All it's done is make me a completely withdrawn person, and I'm tired of it.

[airborne3502]

For the love of all that's holy, don't send her that!

 

I know you're hurting.

 

I know you feel that if you could explain things it would make some kind of a difference - it won't.

 

Her feelings have changed. Nothing you can say can change them back.

 

I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

 

Go into no contact mode with your ex and pour your heart out in here. There are good caring people in here that listen and advise.

 

Make your first priority making yourself well.

[Dandannydandan]

Thanks Airborne!

 

I'll definitely go NC again. I wished her happy birthday (I would have felt guilty if had completely ignored it) and although it was before anyway, the ball's in her court.

 

It's just so hard because she was my only rock and confident throughout all of my struggles, and now without that my struggles have exploded to nothing like I've felt before. I've tried so hard to focus on myself and getting better but It's only gotten worse.

 

Thanks for understanding and the support I will pour everything I cannot tell anyone else on here.

[Altair0770]

I didn't even read that to say it's a bad idea as the other posters have mentioned.

 

The best way to get an ex back is to radio silence them and make them miss every little thing about you.

 

From my understanding the best way to get an ex back is for them to find someone new, go through complete hell, and realize you were much better than their new toy.

 

It's the "can't have what you want" syndrome. That's why people here are all sad and love their ex and seem desperate. Because it's over. You don't know what you got until it's gone.

 

As long as your ex thinks you're an option, they will run from you and never change their mind. Once you go into NC and make them curious as hell as to what you're up to, how you're doing, and yada yada yada they will reach out.

 

The only time you should EVER break NC is if your ex does it first. And even then it's debatable.

 

Don't ever listen to those websites that tell you how to get an ex back. They're crap and either make them flee more or end you up right in the friend zone.

 

If you meant ANYTHING to your ex, unless they're stubborn or fearful, they will reach out. Doesn't mean they want to reconcile, but that is your best bet to attempt to, as long as you already accepted it's over and can be yourself. The person you were when you thought it was a good idea to become a couple.

 

Also, most dumpers/dumpees likely get a support system of friends, which often involve them saying things like "there are more fish in the sea". or "He's a huge douche bag". All that fun stuff. She likely asked for advice from friends on what to do when you sent her flowers and a happy birthday txt.

 

Go NC - do your best to heal. After months you may get a txt back. Going radio silence and falling off the face of the Earth will increase your chances of getting a response. May be years. May be months. But if you want her back, pray she goes through hell.

[Marc878]

Thanks Marc.

 

I know it's unattractive. I've been trying to hide my weakness from her all the time we were together, and she kept on asking me to open up (I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for a good 18 months) and I'm thinking it's not a good idea to keep suppressing it.

 

She was the only one who knew my struggles and the only one I can feel I can admit this too. My family are all on the other side of the world and I have no friends I am close enough to here to open up to.

 

I've never been someone to talk about my problems, or to show weakness, and it's got me nowhere so far. All it's done is make me a completely withdrawn person, and I'm tired of it.

 

Get a good IC. Girlfriends, friends even family are not necessarily equipped to deal or help you with what you need but you need to get that fixed for your future and other relationships.

 

Men are particularly bad at holding to much inside.

[Dandannydandan]

Thanks Altair!

 

I've completely deleted my Facebook account to help with the NC, so hopefully she's wondering what I'm up to and how I'm doing.

 

She had 2 very serious relationships before me and she said they both were complete arseholes. One cheated on here after that got married and the other made her pay for absolutely everything for 8 years and then went and married someone else.

 

She said that I've been amazing and she can't for the life of her understand why she doesn't feel the way she should about me anymore (although I know it's my depression). I've basically restored her faith that some guys are good, and I also hope she finds another arsehole and realises the grass isn't always greener.

[Marc878]

One thing I would recommend for you is his.

 

"No More Mr Nice Guy" it's a free PDF download.

 

Not a long read either but many swear by it.

 

Read it twice in depth. There is a balanced you need to achieve between holding too much in and letting too much out.

 

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.

[Marc878]

In any relationship you can't make anyone do anything. If they don't have feelings for you its best to o completely dark and move on.

 

Pursuing just makes them move further away. Alway.

[Dandannydandan]

Get a good IC

 

What's an IC? (sorry I'm not great with this).

 

I have been seeing a Psychologist if that's what you mean, but it hasn't been much help so far.

[Marc878]

Any good relationship should be balanced @ 50/50 if it's not it won't last long term.

 

If you do too much you can lose respect and get taken advantage of. Hence, Mr Nice Guys get walked on.

 

However, if you don't put enough effort or take too much from a relationship the other person will get tired or feel used.

 

Hence, the balance.

[Marc878]

What's an IC? (sorry I'm not great with this).

 

I have been seeing a Psychologist if that's what you mean, but it hasn't been much help so far.

 

Individual Counseling. Some are good some aren't. If you feel you aren't getting the help you need switch. It's your money.

 

This is your life not theirs.

[Marc878]

Look over the net it would hurt to read some relationship books or go on YouTube. There are a lot of free good info that you could use.

 

Now that you're out of a relationship and have gone NC use the time to better yourself.

 

You don't need to be dating at this time anyway

[burnt]

About sending the letter to her:

My opinion will clearly fall into the minority group here. I am always in favor of clearly speaking your mind and letting the words out. Yes, the others have a good point: sending it to her will make you look "weak", needy and unattractive. So, the question is WHY do you want to send her the letter? Is it to get her back, or to reach some modicum of closure for both you and her?

 

Perhaps I'm wrong to think this way, but my opinion is that you should send it to her, because the things you wrote are you OWN thoughts and words. Especially since you have had such struggle with opening up, you should take some comfort and solace in knowing that you gathered enough strength to write something that is not easy for you.

 

The relationship is over; let your last thoughts and words be expressed; and then close that door. Then work on moving on the best you can.

 

About opening up:

The ability to fess up and open up with vulnerability is not a "weakness"--it's a sign of courage. It is an incredibly unloving thing to do to choose to be in a relationship, but not open up emotionally. It makes the other person lose the sense of trust and closeness.

 

I would suggest that you try to take away one good lesson from this break up: that is, when you get involved with the next woman, be honest and open about your thoughts and struggles. It will strengthen the relationship.

[Dandannydandan]

One thing I would recommend for you is his.

 

"No More Mr Nice Guy" it's a free PDF download.

 

Not a long read either but many swear by it.

 

Read it twice in depth. There is a balanced you need to achieve between holding too much in and letting too much out.

 

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.

 

Thanks for that Marc I will do! I'll print it off when I get to work and use it for bedtime reading.

[SevenCity]

Thanks Marc.

 

I know it's unattractive. I've been trying to hide my weakness from her all the time we were together, and she kept on asking me to open up (I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for a good 18 months) and I'm thinking it's not a good idea to keep suppressing it.

 

She was the only one who knew my struggles and the only one I can feel I can admit this too. My family are all on the other side of the world and I have no friends I am close enough to here to open up to.

 

I've never been someone to talk about my problems, or to show weakness, and it's got me nowhere so far. All it's done is make me a completely withdrawn person, and I'm tired of it.

 

Being weak and needy to a woman is like a woman being fat to a guy. They find it repugnant. It is a huge turnoff.

 

YOU have to be the rock. You have to be the center of stability.

 

Sure, if she really cares she will put up with it for a while but will slowly fall out of love with you.

 

What's happening is you are forcing her to act masculine and it goes against her natural state. She doesn't know this is the reason and why she is unsure of her feelings changing. She can't put her finger on it but you are the cause.

 

On the other hand guys seldom leave their women when they show weakness. It's feminine and allows us to be masculine. How many guys do you hear breaking up with a girl because she needs him too much?

 

Sending the letter will further solidify how weak you are in her eyes. Get professional help for your issues and if she ever contacts you again everything is great and you couldn't be better.

 

She knows you love her. Telling her more will do nothing but push her away. This crap works in the movies, not real life.

[montie1]

From personal experience. This is the worsssstttttttttt thing to do. If you were distant before, you'll be extremely distance after. Don't write no letter myfriend. We've all done it and it just makes you look pathetic to be honest.

 

Sorry to sound cruel but that's how you look and feel. Manning up is always the best thing. Tell the person how you feel you'd like to work it out. If we can't work it out then I wish you the best.

 

That's what I would've done. Instead I wrote 4 pages of heart felt things that she just said she read. Nothing changed. I think she may have just felt sorry for me. And pity sucks.

 

So just leave it be. If it can't he worked out its better left alone. Good luck.

[Dandannydandan]

About sending the letter to her:

My opinion will clearly fall into the minority group here. I am always in favor of clearly speaking your mind and letting the words out. Yes, the others have a good point: sending it to her will make you look "weak", needy and unattractive. So, the question is WHY do you want to send her the letter? Is it to get her back, or to reach some modicum of closure for both you and her?

 

Perhaps I'm wrong to think this way, but my opinion is that you should send it to her, because the things you wrote are you OWN thoughts and words. Especially since you have had such struggle with opening up, you should take some comfort and solace in knowing that you gathered enough strength to write something that is not easy for you.

 

The relationship is over; let your last thoughts and words be expressed; and then close that door. Then work on moving on the best you can.

 

About opening up:

The ability to fess up and open up with vulnerability is not a "weakness"--it's a sign of courage. It is an incredibly unloving thing to do to choose to be in a relationship, but not open up emotionally. It makes the other person lose the sense of trust and closeness.

 

I would suggest that you try to take away one good lesson from this break up: that is, when you get involved with the next woman, be honest and open about your thoughts and struggles. It will strengthen the relationship.

 

Thanks Burnt! It's always good to get 2 sides of the argument.

 

I had the intention of writing the letter to pour out all that I was holding in, all that I never told her, as I never got the chance or the balls to.

 

At this moment, my intentions are probably not the best. I'm still looking to try and initiate contact, to show her I'm trying to open up and seek help to try and get happy and back to my old self.

 

I was hoping that she would just be a friend and, as I've opened up, she can help me through my tough times and help me get myself well (she said she's been worried about me), and if once I'm well those feelings come back and we feel that closeness then we'd deal with that if it happens. If not, then at least I'm better and I know through the experience that I can open up and it does help for future relationships.

[Dandannydandan]

Being weak and needy to a woman is like a woman being fat to a guy. They find it repugnant. It is a huge turnoff.

 

 

Sure, if she really cares she will put up with it for a while but will slowly fall out of love with you.

 

She doesn't know this is the reason and why she is unsure of her feelings changing. She can't put her finger on it but you are the cause.

 

Thanks SevenCity!

 

Some are attracted to "fat" people, but I can definitely see that point you're trying to make, being needy is a big turn off to anymore.

 

She actually came back once before after we broke up, put up with it, and fell out of love with me. This is annoying because (to my perhaps irrational mind) it makes me think that part of her does love me and wants it to work, but with my issues (unhappiness, being needy etc) it just can't work out at the moment, so I'm trying to show her I'm trying to get rid of the all those unattractive qualities.

 

Fully agree with your last point, I know I'm the cause.

[SevenCity]

Thanks SevenCity!

 

Some are attracted to "fat" people, but I can definitely see that point you're trying to make, being needy is a big turn off to anymore.

 

She actually came back once before after we broke up, put up with it, and fell out of love with me. This is annoying because (to my perhaps irrational mind) it makes me think that part of her does love me and wants it to work, but with my issues (unhappiness, being needy etc) it just can't work out at the moment, so I'm trying to show her I'm trying to get rid of the all those unattractive qualities.

 

Fully agree with your last point, I know I'm the cause.

 

Of course - there are people who like extra pounds. My dear late friend was one.

 

But you get my point. I don't mean to be harsh but you have to understand that any woman will be turned off by this - not only your ex.

 

Therefore, you have to work on it and come a RL as this super awesome dude who can handle anything. It's not easy and it may not be the truth but you have to act as if it is.

 

Women will be most attracted to the most dominant male.

 

It's frustrating as we guys have problems too. But, save that for your buddies and your therapist.

 

Learn from this experience- even if she never comes back you need to fix it for the next one. You would be surprised how attractive women find confidence. It is more important than your looks for them. They want a good looking guy but act like a woman and they will be turned off and often don't realize it's due to the beta behavior.

 

Forgive yourself but work on the issues - lest this happen again.

[Dandannydandan]

Of course - there are people who like extra pounds. My dear late friend was one.

 

But you get my point. I don't mean to be harsh but you have to understand that any woman will be turned off by this - not only your ex.

 

Therefore, you have to work on it and come a RL as this super awesome

It's frustrating as we guys have problems too. But, save that for your dude who can handle anything. It's not easy and it may not be the truth but you have to act as if it is.

 

Women will be most attracted to the most dominant male.

buddies and your therapist.

 

Learn from this experience- even if she never comes back you need to fix it for the next one. You would be surprised how attractive women find confidence. It is more important than your looks for them. They want a good looking guy but act like a woman and they will be turned off and often don't realize it's due to the beta behavior.

 

Forgive yourself but work on the issues - lest this happen again.

 

Agree! Confidence is the key!

 

Sadly it's something that's completely deserted me in the last 18 months for various reasons. I know I need to get it back, it's just been such a long struggle to just get by at the moment.

[whatdeww18]

Hi guys,

 

First time poster, thinking I'll become a regular.

 

I generally know that sending a letter to an ex-partner is a big no no, but I was hoping to get some advice from those who have sent or have received them. Has it ever worked? Are there certain things you liked or didn't like to see in the message?

 

Anyway, here's a bit of a story. My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago via text message, we never had the chance to meet up or discuss what had happened in the relationship (we both hate confrontation) despite me originally trying to push for it. After a few weeks of NC I sent her a gift, flowers and a "happy birthday" text for her 40th birthday as a message of goodwill, but got nothing back. When we broke up she said that she still loved me (but was not "in love") and was worried about me as I've had a lot of struggles going on in my life, but now it sounds like all that was a lie and she's cut contact, unless she just needs space, I don't know.

 

I was going to send her a letter discussing everything that happened as I never got the chance to in person. She had asked me how I thought about everything to which I haven't answered her, as I had wanted to do it in person.

 

Here's the letter, sorry it's so long. I'd like an outsiders and impartial opinion on it because my mind is irrational at the moment. Thanks!

 

......

 

Dear Dan's Ex

 

I thought I'd write this because we never really got the chance to answer your questions about how I felt about you, the relationship and everything that was going on. I know relationships are a two way street and I know you've got your own thoughts about everything, but I wanted to tell you what I was feeling, and from my end at least why maybe it didn't work out.

 

I agree with you that neither of us were in a great place in the relationship, I agree it felt similar to before and we weren't perhaps the happiest with each other. I understood when you said we had lost the "wow" factor. I feel that, like before, maybe we weren't too happy in ourselves, and maybe that caused us to not be extremely happy in the relationship.

 

I haven't been in the best place for quite a while as you probably know, and maybe when we got back together into a relationship it was too soon, and we weren't as happy in ourselves as we thought we were (or I wasn't at least).

 

When we got back together I had a good group of (albeit temporary) friends and my visa went through and I thought I was turning a corner. But then the friends I had all left, the client at work pulled the plug and work was thin and I was really concerned about my visa, and then work stopped altogether and then the cancer tests, it all flared up everything that I was going through before. I realise that I never really got rid of the unhappiness I was going through before.

 

I felt so happy with you when we got back together. Although we were taking it slow, at the beginning it felt a bit like when we first met again. After a few weeks that spark faded, and I don't know how much the above, me withdrawing back into unhappiness and "survival mode" affected that, but with the timing of it all maybe it affected our relationship quite a lot.

 

I went to the doctors about what has been going on with me over the last 18 months, and how I’ve been feeling. He diagnosed me with having chronic tension headaches, depression and anxiety and referred me to a psychologist, who I've been seeing for a couple of months now. I should have gone so much sooner, but it was hard to admit I needed help, I didn’t want to show that I was weak and struggling.

 

You know the story, but over the last few months it got to the point where the tiniest thing would get me worked up, I’ve been suffering with a dull headache that’s there literally 24 hours a day. It's like mentally I’m constantly running at either 100 miles an hour and always on edge, or I wasn't running at all. Again I could no longer find enjoyment in anything I was doing, I felt hollow, a shell of who I was, and it scared me. I kept suppressing it telling myself it was all irrational and it'd pass, but it just got worse. I became withdrawn, stubborn and apathetic.

 

I put up a wall and lived in survival mode for so long that it affected my ability to communicate and build relationships with you and everybody else. I could consciously see myself closing up again, to the point where I couldn’t have anything beyond a basic conversation with anyone. I know it sounds like a broken record, but it’s only over the last few weeks that I’ve really identified the problems I have, the help I need and what I need to do to fix them, as opposed to waiting and hoping for things to get better.

I don't know how happy you were in yourself (outside of the relationship), you said this was something that was affecting you and us before, like seeing your friends more, exercising more and you felt like you weren’t happy in yourself too. I know you've had a lot going on the last few months as well with moving to a new apartment, a new job and your 40th birthday. I don’t know if you maybe just needed some space and time on your own, if you were struggling with your own happiness still.

 

I felt like I was relying on you too much to make me happy instead of you being an extension of my happiness, I was suffocating you a bit because I didn't really have anyone else, my constant low mood was hanging like a grey cloud, and maybe that was unfair on us.

 

I haven’t been in the right place mentally to take our or any relationship to the next level, it was not because I wasn't in love with you, there were just all the other issues, and I shut everybody out.

 

I know it's not something that's going to be fixed in a couple of weeks or months like maybe I thought before, but I'm trying to work on it, I've needed to take a step back, press the reset button, try to sort myself out properly and get the care-free and excitable me from 2 years ago back.

It’s unfair for me to be in a relationship at the moment, until I can sort out my issues. I haven't been myself, I wasn't myself, I wasn’t happy in myself and had low self-esteem. How could I really make anyone else happy?

 

I completely understood what you meant when you said we became more like best friends, that spark had faded. However I've always believed that relationships are built on being best friends, and you are my best friend, I don't want to lose you from my life. You are a beautiful person and I love how you made me feel. The feelings I have for you go far beyond friendship but it’s been a hard to show them, open myself up and let you in. Even though I closed up I felt I had a bond with you than I’ve not had with anyone before.

 

You said that you couldn’t work out why you weren’t feeling how you should about me anymore. Maybe it’s because you could remember what I was like when we first met, the person you fell in love with, and over the last 18 months I haven’t been that person. Maybe down the line when things are better and I’ve got rid of my issues and depression (or at least managing them better) and I’m getting back to how I was before, maybe those feelings and wow factor will come back, maybe there could be something more. I don’t know, I don't know how you feel in your heart. But all I know is I need a friend at the moment.

 

As I wrote at the start this is all just how I've been feeling and from my perspective. I know you have your own thoughts, and I hope we can share them sometime.

 

Dan

 

The bolded points above are reasons why you should not send this letter. Yes, you have identified reasons why you are in a better place and continue to work on it and better yourself. You're taking this time in No Contact to improve yourself, for yourself.

 

Relationships are hard work and just because you had difficulties and problems doesn't mean it was ALL your fault that she bailed. She had a choice and she chose to walk. Let her.

 

If she comes back from genuine feelings and a willingness to work with you, then so be it. You will have worked and will continue to work on yourself and better yourself to be in a relationship.

 

She is done. She doesn't want to talk about the old relationship with you or what drove it to its finality. A letter will do nothing when she is already checked out for now. Who's to say she may not contact you later to be friends and such. if that is your wish, so be it and you can tell her your feelings then. By the time that comes around, you probably will not be so bogged down by the break up that it won't matter.

 

Furthermore, you had a brief reconciliation before? Sounds like it was too soon, and she bailed again. At a minimum, give both of yourselves 4 months since the break up to move on. The emotional high will wear down and you will be thinking a lot more clearly.

 

At the end of the day, you have yourself. Continue to make yourself better, without the need to be validated by anyone else.

 

Doesn't matter if you or others think this comes off as needy or clingy. At the end, it will probably accomplish two things:

1. Push her further away because she does not want to think about the break up right now.

2. Make you feel worse when she doesn't respond or (with high probability) not read it at all.

 

Your actions and thoughts for the future should stem from what benefits you the most right now. Period.

 

Any break up is hard and you sound like you're putting a lot of its failure on your shoulders. Relax and take this time to heal properly.

Wishing you the best of healing!

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited March 19, 2017 by whatdeww18

[magnesium]

If you send that letter, she will show it to her friends and they will all laugh at your expense.

 

"Look, this weak boy is still crying over me, he hasn't changed at all," Is how she will interpret your entire letter.

 

Don't mean to sound harsh, I know you put in effort on yourself and into the letter, but she won't see it that way, and words mean next to nothing at this point with her.

[Quiet Storms]

As others have said, PLEASE don't send that letter.

 

It's all water under the bridge now. She admitted she doesn't feel the same. So it doesn't matter. Consider the letter a way for you to purge some of your emotions.

 

I know it's really hard when you want the person to know how you feel and why. But in the end, it's better to stay silent.