Letter to an Ex UPDATE: She Messaged!

[bubbaganoosh]

There's a reason for a break up. It wasn't meant to be. If it was you two would still be together.

 

My advice is pitch the letter and move on. You'll never heal if you refuse to let go. Why do you thinks you haven't got a response from her? She's doing what you need to do....................move on.

[SevenCity]

If you send that letter, she will show it to her friends and they will all laugh at your expense.

 

"Look, this weak boy is still crying over me, he hasn't changed at all," Is how she will interpret your entire letter.

 

Don't mean to sound harsh, I know you put in effort on yourself and into the letter, but she won't see it that way, and words mean next to nothing at this point with her.

 

Although this might happen, it should not be the reason you don't send it. Who cares what people think?

 

Think of it as getting fired from a job. Would you send them a letter outlining all the issues that led up to it? No, you find another job.

 

Getting dumped will put your confidence in the toilet. You know what will bring it back up? Landing other chicks.

 

Focus your efforts on that.

 

Also, set a reminder in your calendar to look at this post in 6 months. I guarantee you will thank god you didn't send it once the fog clears. In a year you will laugh at yourself for ever having considered it.

 

Right now you are like a drug addict going though withdrawal. Once that passes, and it will pass, you'll have a completely different outlook.

 

Don't make any decisions now. Just work on your issues and realize this will take time. More than you think. But you know what will help? Yup, new chicks

[Dandannydandan]

The bolded points above are reasons why you should not send this letter. Yes, you have identified reasons why you are in a better place and continue to work on it and better yourself. You're taking this time in No Contact to improve yourself, for yourself.

 

Relationships are hard work and just because you had difficulties and problems doesn't mean it was ALL your fault that she bailed. She had a choice and she chose to walk. Let her.

 

If she comes back from genuine feelings and a willingness to work with you, then so be it. You will have worked and will continue to work on yourself and better yourself to be in a relationship.

 

She is done. She doesn't want to talk about the old relationship with you or what drove it to its finality. A letter will do nothing when she is already checked out for now. Who's to say she may not contact you later to be friends and such. if that is your wish, so be it and you can tell her your feelings then. By the time that comes around, you probably will not be so bogged down by the break up that it won't matter.

 

Furthermore, you had a brief reconciliation before? Sounds like it was too soon, and she bailed again. At a minimum, give both of yourselves 4 months since the break up to move on. The emotional high will wear down and you will be thinking a lot more clearly.

 

At the end of the day, you have yourself. Continue to make yourself better, without the need to be validated by anyone else.

 

Doesn't matter if you or others think this comes off as needy or clingy. At the end, it will probably accomplish two things:

1. Push her further away because she does not want to think about the break up right now.

2. Make you feel worse when she doesn't respond or (with high probability) not read it at all.

 

Your actions and thoughts for the future should stem from what benefits you the most right now. Period.

 

Any break up is hard and you sound like you're putting a lot of its failure on your shoulders. Relax and take this time to heal properly.

Wishing you the best of healing!

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Thanks WhatDeww!

 

Yeah we had broken up for 3 months before. Then I started posting things on FB and she likely thought I had got my mojo back, and I kind of had, and we got back together. But then things went tits up again (referenced in the letter) and I fell apart.

 

I know NC is probably what's best for me at the moment, but its been 2 months and feels so much harder than before.

[whatdeww18]

Thanks WhatDeww!

 

Yeah we had broken up for 3 months before. Then I started posting things on FB and she likely thought I had got my mojo back, and I kind of had, and we got back together. But then things went tits up again (referenced in the letter) and I fell apart.

 

I know NC is probably what's best for me at the moment, but its been 2 months and feels so much harder than before.

 

Yea... Even 3 months is on the shorter end of things. That's not to say that things weren't improving, but like many say, lasting change comes in the time frame of many months. Like any habit, it takes determination and time to change.

 

So it seems that the thread is moving towards addressing her feelings, etc. That is her problem that she will have to find out. You do not interfere with that. She will have to come to terms with ending the relationship for her "lack of feelings" and whether she should have been there for you. You wrote that letter, now you can just keep it and think of it as you expressing your feelings. Continue to come here, and you could journal. It's much better.

 

I don't have the clearest of pictures... But it doesn't sound like she voiced any concern over the problems that you addressed/are addressing. This is also why I say it's not all your fault, which can be easy for you to think. Of course, having a significant other with health problems is taxing. But, you communicate issues and work towards a solution, together. They say in trying times, is when you can grow and learn the most. So, with all the ailments you were having, you didn't express how you felt to her. Likewise, she didn't ask how she could help or maybe to suggest you visit a doctor. Catch my drift? Not ALL on you.

 

So, other posters have their experiences and own perception of breaking up/second chances. Many times, second chances can be another heartbreak and just beating a dead horse. Some choose not to look back, it's just dead. It's different for everyone; some believe in second chances and others don't. Ultimately, I take this advice as truly moving on. (It really does help with healing, I can attest). However, when you do get in a better place emotionally and aren't hung up on your ex, you will know what is right for you in a few months.

 

The key, however, is honestly to just focus on yourself like others have stated. A part of that is shying away from sending that letter to your ex. I think the one bit of advice that really stuck through with me (which you can see the consequences of all over Loveshack) is "NOTHING you do right now will bring back your ex for a successful reconciliation." Moving on, healing, and getting yourself into a better place is the best shot. The downside? There really isn't one except that you may grow to a point where your ex is not as valuable as she is now. (Not really a downside once you heal).

 

Keep your head up. You'll get through this, and keep going to therapy to address those issues, okay? Make sure you know how to fully cope and treat these issues so that you can truly enjoy life, and, you'll be in a place to give and receive love.

 

Warmly,

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited March 19, 2017 by whatdeww18

[Dandannydandan]

Guys!

 

So I got a response from the birthday text I sent yesterday

 

Thank you Dan, I had a really nice day with everyone.

Thank you soooo much for my gorgeous watch and beautiful flowers, it was really thoughtful of you and I really do appreciate it. I hope you're well.

 

What should I reply with? I want to maybe keep the comms going but not come across as cold or needy.

 

Advice???

[Murmillo]

Guys!

 

So I got a response from the birthday text I sent yesterday

 

Thank you Dan, I had a really nice day with everyone.

Thank you soooo much for my gorgeous watch and beautiful flowers, it was really thoughtful of you and I really do appreciate it. I hope you're well.

 

What should I reply with? I want to maybe keep the comms going but not come across as cold or needy.

 

Advice???

 

I would do nothing to be honest. Especially when you have a history of being too much of a nice guy.

 

She will expect you to respond so do what she does not expect. Being predictable is the key symptom of a ´nice guy´

[FoundLove]

Hi Dan.

 

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much.

 

Even though you have written a beautiful letter and poured your heart out to this woman who means so much to you, I agree with the others not to send it to her. If she ignores it you'll just be left heartbroken all over again, which is not what you need right now.

 

I gather you are not someone who easily talks about your feelings and open up. Instead you bottle things up. If I'm right, PLEASE sit down and write more letters like these. No, not to send to her. Just to get everything out there.

 

That's exactly how I coped with my heartbreak and it really works. I wrote pages and pages every day - and that finally gave me the closure I needed.

 

Good luck!

 

PS - also don't reply to the message she sent you, you'll just end up waiting for yet another reply from her.

Edited March 19, 2017 by FoundLove

[Dandannydandan]

I would do nothing to be honest. Especially when you have a history of being too much of a nice guy.

 

She will expect you to respond so do what she does not expect. Being predictable is the key symptom of a ´nice guy´

 

Thanka Murmillo!

 

It's taking everything I can muster not to reply at the moment.

 

I'm not quite sure how to analyse her reply at at moment. It's more than "Thanks" without really saying much more.

 

Part of me wants to stay NC and make her sweat, part of me wants to reply in a day or so with a "sorry I didnt reply sooner Ive been so busy doing xyz fun stuff without you" kinda message.

 

I don't know.

[Dandannydandan]

Thanka Murmillo!

 

It's taking everything I can muster not to reply at the moment.

 

I'm not quite sure how to analyse her reply at at moment. It's more than "Thanks" without really saying much more.

 

Part of me wants to stay NC and make her sweat, part of me wants to reply in a day or so with a "sorry I didnt reply sooner Ive been so busy doing xyz fun stuff without you" kinda message.

 

I don't know.

 

Actually screw that. I'm going to go NC again. I have "the power" as it were and the ball is kind of back in my court, and I want to keep it that way for a bit.

 

The thing that's getting me (maybe irrational again) is that her reply was all too similar to what she said when we were broke up before, a few weeks or so before she messaged saying she missed me.

 

She could have just not replied, or said "thanks" and left it at that, but she didn't.

[Marc878]

Chase, chase, chase they will run, run, run away from you. Always

[Murmillo]

Thanka Murmillo!

 

It's taking everything I can muster not to reply at the moment.

 

I'm not quite sure how to analyse her reply at at moment. It's more than "Thanks" without really saying much more.

 

Part of me wants to stay NC and make her sweat, part of me wants to reply in a day or so with a "sorry I didnt reply sooner Ive been so busy doing xyz fun stuff without you" kinda message.

 

I don't know.

 

 

Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing. IF she has any feelings/interest left for you she will eventually reach out. If she does, be friendly but don't give her too much info about you. It is often the 'not knowing' that can increase desire.

 

I kind of believe that being a nice guy and being too available can also have a positive effect in certain cases... but only after you stop doing it...

 

She will kind of get used to you being like this which is nice for her. She always has someone to fall back on... Everyone wants a nice guy in their life, but no one wants a nice guy as a romantic partner. When she notices that you are no longer doing this she will start thinking

- hey why is he not initiating any contact anymore?

- why doesn't he share anything anymore?

- is he maybe with someone else?

- did he maybe move on?

 

Keep in mind... this MIGHT be a possibility. If she has zero feelings for you then you backing off will maybe cause her interest to go up a bit but nothing more...

 

I have 2 examples of this of my own life:

 

1) Back when I was 21 and still a selfish prick I dumped my GF at the time because of GIGS. She chased after me for 1,5 years and I was such an ******* that I still met up with her and sometimes slept with her. At some point she started to initiate less and all of a suden she never had time anymore. The tables completely turned and I started chasing her (NEVER a good look). A few months later she met someone else and me (again being a selfish prick blew up her phone). Needless to say that I never saw her again.

 

2) I got dumped 1 year ago. For the fist 2,5 months I made every mistake you can make (begging, pestering, crying etc). Then I sent her a beautiful letter (kind of like the one you did) and even though it made her cry and she told me she still thought about me a lot, it did nothing for my chances to get her back. I did clear the air a bit though because we did not argue anymore after this.

 

Went into NC for 1 month but got persuaded by some of those ridiculous 'ex back books/coaches'. I tried to stay in touch with her and force a (re)connection but she kept me at a distance. She turned down 2 requests for a phone call, one in July, one in September and when I asked why she said that she felt that I was pushing her to still work things out. In late October I thought she was seeing someone else (seems like I was wrong about this btw) and I literally said out loud: '**** this ****'.

 

I started with writing a letter to her that I wanted to send. Told her that I could not be friends with her anymore, telling her how much I had changed, what causes some of the mistakes I made and blabla. I worked on this letter for 5 weeks (was 5 pages long) and then I logged into facebook again. She had written me a message to ask how I was doing. (this was the first time in 4 months that she initiated a conversation. I did not reply because I honestly did not know what to say. A few days later I got a message from a strange phone number. It was her, again asking me how I was doing. I told her what I had been up to and after a few messages she disappeared again. I felt like such a dumbass again because I obviously responded way to enthousiastic to her message (learning moment).

 

One month later she contacted me regarding an incident in my city. I wrote her back in 3 words. End of the conversation.

 

One month later she contacted me again to wish me a happy bday. Thanked her and that's it. Right after, I did not go on facebook for 5 weeks because my account got hacked. It actually felt pretty nice not to be on social media for that long.

 

After those 5 weeks I again got a message from her on my phone. She asked me how I was and that she texted me because I had not replied to her last message and that she was a bit worried. I told her that it was nice to hear from her and we chit-chatted for quite a bit. She was the one asking me most of the questions and most of what I did was just reply to her questions. We talked a bit about the cities where we now live in and she told me she really wanted to visit my city. I know her schedule and I know this will not be anytime soon so I told her I would be visiting her city soon with a friend for a few days.

 

It is still a bit up in the air whether we will actually meet when I am there because she had already planned to go back to her own country for some time and I am also not completely sure about my agenda but there is a chance I will see her in a few weeks whereas six months ago I thought I was never going to see her again and even a phone call was too much for her. What is the difference from now and six months ago? 2 things:

 

1) Time... time happened

2) I stopped chasing her

 

I know I am still far... very very far away from reconcilliation and there is still a possibility that she is just being friendly but I feel like I have some of my power back and that feels really good because at my lowest point I really felt like I had given away ALL of my dignity.

 

Re-attracting someone is a process... A process full of trial-and-error. What applies to one situation might not apply to your situation. I think that the most important aspect of re-attracting someone is being able to being able to mirror what they want, what they desire and what turns them off.

 

What turned your ex on (once when she was not yet an ex)? > Only show her this side.

What turned your ex off (what made her go from girlfriend to ex)? > Never EVER show her this again.

 

That is why I am against the NC battle cry that gets used her so much. Yes for most cases this is probably the safest route to avoid getting your heart broken again. But what if you neglected your partner? You did not listen to their needs? You cheated on them? You honestly believe that ignoring them then will get you guys back together?

 

NC works... if you turned them off by being to needy or being too dependent on them... NC also works if you made a lot of mistakes post BU. How long does NC need to be in these cases? There is no timeline for this. It could be weeks, months and yes, maybe even longer than a year. How do you know it is time to try to reconnect again? When the dumper has initiated contact at least 3 times in a row with more than just a simple 'hey how are you?'. If they really show interest and ask more questions it might be time to ask them to meet and just take things from there. You don't want to text too long back and forth because then her interest might drop again because she already knows everything there is to know...

 

Good luck buddy!

[Murmillo]

Actually screw that. I'm going to go NC again. I have "the power" as it were and the ball is kind of back in my court, and I want to keep it that way for a bit.

 

The thing that's getting me (maybe irrational again) is that her reply was all too similar to what she said when we were broke up before, a few weeks or so before she messaged saying she missed me.

 

She could have just not replied, or said "thanks" and left it at that, but she didn't.

 

Yes, keeping the power is very very important. Not just for her attraction but also for your own self-worth.

 

Don't overanalyze everything that she does. It really sounds like something my ex could have said. The most likely scenario is that she is just being nice so stick to that.

[Dandannydandan]

Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing. IF she has any feelings/interest left for you she will eventually reach out. If she does, be friendly but don't give her too much info about you. It is often the 'not knowing' that can increase desire.

 

I kind of believe that being a nice guy and being too available can also have a positive effect in certain cases... but only after you stop doing it...

 

She will kind of get used to you being like this which is nice for her. She always has someone to fall back on... Everyone wants a nice guy in their life, but no one wants a nice guy as a romantic partner. When she notices that you are no longer doing this she will start thinking

- hey why is he not initiating any contact anymore?

- why doesn't he share anything anymore?

- is he maybe with someone else?

- did he maybe move on?

 

Keep in mind... this MIGHT be a possibility. If she has zero feelings for you then you backing off will maybe cause her interest to go up a bit but nothing more...

 

I have 2 examples of this of my own life:

 

1) Back when I was 21 and still a selfish prick I dumped my GF at the time because of GIGS. She chased after me for 1,5 years and I was such an ******* that I still met up with her and sometimes slept with her. At some point she started to initiate less and all of a suden she never had time anymore. The tables completely turned and I started chasing her (NEVER a good look). A few months later she met someone else and me (again being a selfish prick blew up her phone). Needless to say that I never saw her again.

 

2) I got dumped 1 year ago. For the fist 2,5 months I made every mistake you can make (begging, pestering, crying etc). Then I sent her a beautiful letter (kind of like the one you did) and even though it made her cry and she told me she still thought about me a lot, it did nothing for my chances to get her back. I did clear the air a bit though because we did not argue anymore after this.

 

Went into NC for 1 month but got persuaded by some of those ridiculous 'ex back books/coaches'. I tried to stay in touch with her and force a (re)connection but she kept me at a distance. She turned down 2 requests for a phone call, one in July, one in September and when I asked why she said that she felt that I was pushing her to still work things out. In late October I thought she was seeing someone else (seems like I was wrong about this btw) and I literally said out loud: '**** this ****'.

 

I started with writing a letter to her that I wanted to send. Told her that I could not be friends with her anymore, telling her how much I had changed, what causes some of the mistakes I made and blabla. I worked on this letter for 5 weeks (was 5 pages long) and then I logged into facebook again. She had written me a message to ask how I was doing. (this was the first time in 4 months that she initiated a conversation. I did not reply because I honestly did not know what to say. A few days later I got a message from a strange phone number. It was her, again asking me how I was doing. I told her what I had been up to and after a few messages she disappeared again. I felt like such a dumbass again because I obviously responded way to enthousiastic to her message (learning moment).

 

One month later she contacted me regarding an incident in my city. I wrote her back in 3 words. End of the conversation.

 

One month later she contacted me again to wish me a happy bday. Thanked her and that's it. Right after, I did not go on facebook for 5 weeks because my account got hacked. It actually felt pretty nice not to be on social media for that long.

 

After those 5 weeks I again got a message from her on my phone. She asked me how I was and that she texted me because I had not replied to her last message and that she was a bit worried. I told her that it was nice to hear from her and we chit-chatted for quite a bit. She was the one asking me most of the questions and most of what I did was just reply to her questions. We talked a bit about the cities where we now live in and she told me she really wanted to visit my city. I know her schedule and I know this will not be anytime soon so I told her I would be visiting her city soon with a friend for a few days.

 

It is still a bit up in the air whether we will actually meet when I am there because she had already planned to go back to her own country for some time and I am also not completely sure about my agenda but there is a chance I will see her in a few weeks whereas six months ago I thought I was never going to see her again and even a phone call was too much for her. What is the difference from now and six months ago? 2 things:

 

1) Time... time happened

2) I stopped chasing her

 

I know I am still far... very very far away from reconcilliation and there is still a possibility that she is just being friendly but I feel like I have some of my power back and that feels really good because at my lowest point I really felt like I had given away ALL of my dignity.

 

Re-attracting someone is a process... A process full of trial-and-error. What applies to one situation might not apply to your situation. I think that the most important aspect of re-attracting someone is being able to being able to mirror what they want, what they desire and what turns them off.

 

What turned your ex on (once when she was not yet an ex)? > Only show her this side.

What turned your ex off (what made her go from girlfriend to ex)? > Never EVER show her this again.

 

That is why I am against the NC battle cry that gets used her so much. Yes for most cases this is probably the safest route to avoid getting your heart broken again. But what if you neglected your partner? You did not listen to their needs? You cheated on them? You honestly believe that ignoring them then will get you guys back together?

 

NC works... if you turned them off by being to needy or being too dependent on them... NC also works if you made a lot of mistakes post BU. How long does NC need to be in these cases? There is no timeline for this. It could be weeks, months and yes, maybe even longer than a year. How do you know it is time to try to reconnect again? When the dumper has initiated contact at least 3 times in a row with more than just a simple 'hey how are you?'. If they really show interest and ask more questions it might be time to ask them to meet and just take things from there. You don't want to text too long back and forth because then her interest might drop again because she already knows everything there is to know...

 

Good luck buddy!

 

Cheers buddy. I'll no doubt be keeping you all updated.

 

It's good to hear a different side to "NC, NC, NC!" as well.

 

I'm going to take your advice and try and wait until she initiates contact again and i'll take it from there.

 

Shutting people out is completely against everything I'm trying to do for my sanity at the moment, but I know in this case it's probably needed.

 

Good luck with your possible reconciliation as well buddy, keep us updated.

[Dandannydandan]

 

I don't have the clearest of pictures... But it doesn't sound like she voiced any concern over the problems that you addressed/are addressing. This is also why I say it's not all your fault, which can be easy for you to think. Of course, having a significant other with health problems is taxing. But, you communicate issues and work towards a solution, together. They say in trying times, is when you can grow and learn the most. So, with all the ailments you were having, you didn't express how you felt to her. Likewise, she didn't ask how she could help or maybe to suggest you visit a doctor. Catch my drift? Not ALL on you.

 

Warmly,

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Yeah when we met I was happy, confident and full of life. After about a year I had turned full circle.

 

She knew I was going through a tough time and I wasn't coping well. She tried to lift my spirits in ways she knew how (finding solutions to the problems) but my stubborness ground her down. She stopped short of telling me I need to get professional help, maybe she didn't think I was THAT bad.

 

We both hate confrontation and that probably stopped us having in-depth conversations about it, and that never helps.

[SevenCity]

Cheers buddy. I'll no doubt be keeping you all updated.

 

It's good to hear a different side to "NC, NC, NC!" as well.

 

I'm going to take your advice and try and wait until she initiates contact again and i'll take it from there.

 

Shutting people out is completely against everything I'm trying to do for my sanity at the moment, but I know in this case it's probably needed.

 

Good luck with your possible reconciliation as well buddy, keep us updated.

 

The reason most people here are a fan of NC is because it is not meant as a tool to get your ex back, it is meant as a tool to heal you.

 

If you want your ex back, ignoring them will not work. Most dumpers won't come out and say they made a huge mistake - they dip a toe in the water. Problem is they often call to alleviate guilt or make sure you are still on the hook. Not to get back together.

 

That's the risk you run by responding - you can get your hopes up and it was nothing but a breadcrumb.

[magnesium]

Although this might happen, it should not be the reason you don't send it. Who cares what people think?

 

SevenCity my friend you are absolutely right. It doesn't matter what others think, but what you think of yourself.

 

I wrote my response because I got the sense that the OP is looking for approval from his ex. If the OP doesn't get the response he wants by sending the letter, it might set him back in recovery.

 

And...

 

I've sent a letter before several years ago to an ex...lol. It didn't work out how I wanted. I laugh about it now, but back then it wasn't so funny.

[Dandannydandan]

If you want your ex back, ignoring them will not work.

 

That's the risk you run by responding - you can get your hopes up and it was nothing but a breadcrumb.

 

This is true.

 

I do want them back, but I don't want to come across as needy or too much of a "nice guy". As this moment in time I want them more as a friend to help me through my tough times rather than to jump back into a relationship (I know that wouldn't be right). If, once I'm better and back to my old self, something more comes of it then great! If not, than at least they've helped me heal from my all my issues.

 

I'm fully aware of the risk by replying, and now I'm back in two minds about doing it, and if I do, what do I respond with, and how long do I wait?

 

Argh.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Dandannydandan

[preraph]

Nothing has changed. It was inappropriate to send her a watch and flowers after a breakup. You surely can't expect her to come back just because of that. I agree NC is best. If she has second thoughts, she knows where to find you, but if you're not careful she'll get the idea you're cool with just being platonic friends while she dates other guys.

[Dandannydandan]

Nothing has changed. It was inappropriate to send her a watch and flowers after a breakup. You surely can't expect her to come back just because of that. I agree NC is best. If she has second thoughts, she knows where to find you, but if you're not careful she'll get the idea you're cool with just being platonic friends while she dates other guys.

 

Thanks Preraph!

 

Thinking about it again, I agree NC is still the best idea for now, she knows where to find me if she wants to discuss possible reconciliation or anything more than just to see how I am.

 

I only sent the gifts and flowers as it was her 40th birthday and I know she was freaking out over it. I had previously sent flowers and gifts when we were last broke up, all of which she has still kept, said she really appreciated and even put on display, so I thought "why not again".

[AnotherNewBeginning]

I think the time for letters is long past. I can see the value of sending one to get stuff off your chest, in the early days of the break-up, but at this stage it seems you're trying to get her back.

You have to accept that isn't going happen and move on.

It's isn't easy, but for your own sanity and happiness, you have to do that.

[Dandannydandan]

I think the time for letters is long past. I can see the value of sending one to get stuff off your chest, in the early days of the break-up, but at this stage it seems you're trying to get her back.

You have to accept that isn't going happen and move on.

It's isn't easy, but for your own sanity and happiness, you have to do that.

 

Thanks AnotherNewBeginning!

 

Yeah I've come to terms not sending the letter.

 

It was frustrating because she initially said she was happy to meet up and chat if I needed to (she had broken up with me over text so we never got to chat about it) and then she kept cancelling, so I was going to send the letter or a long message. She had asked how I was feeling about it all which I never answered, because I wanted to do it in person.

 

If she reaches out at some point and is happy to meet up to chat about why it went wrong, then I'll perhaps put the letter to use.

[Dandannydandan]

Ok so Ive gone a long way in the last couple of days.

 

From seeking approval to send a letter to an ex, one that probably sounded needy and desperate, also having sent the last text and pining for a reply, a sign, contact, anything.

 

I'm now at a stage where I feel 'ok' not sending the letter, she responded to my text, Im no longer waiting for a reply (if anything it will make her wonder about me more) and I feel like I have more "power".

 

Even though all my other depression issues are still making me nuts 24/7 I feel in a slightly better place about my ex at least at the moment.

 

So this is my next steps plan.

 

1) Stay NC with her until she contacts me again, at least.

2) Focus more on all my other issues and try and get less mentally unstable.

3) Go out, get out the house, see people, get drunk and try and take my mind off her.

4) Avoid dating or mindlesly shagging anyone else unless I get to the stage where I'm completely over her.

 

Thoughts?

 

Oh and huge thanks to all you guys for your advice so far. I'm thinking irrationally and unclear at the moment and you're all being an awesome help! Although Im a noob I already feel at home here.

[keiji]

So this is my next steps plan.

 

1) Stay NC with her until she contacts me again, at least.

2) Focus more on all my other issues and try and get less mentally unstable.

3) Go out, get out the house, see people, get drunk and try and take my mind off her.

4) Avoid dating or mindlesly shagging anyone else unless I get to the stage where I'm completely over her.

1) You're going NC to try to trigger a reaction in her, which is a mistake. NC it's about healing and taking care of yourself, but you won't achieve this if all you're doing is waiting for her to contact you. You'll have half a foot in the present, one and a half in the past.

 

2) Great.

 

3) Getting drunk won't help you at all. You'll probably make mistakes you'll regret the day after. Also, hangovers are nostalgia and depression triggers. If you're in a depressive stage, the worst you can do is resort to alcohol and/or drugs. Trying to keep your mind as clear as possible is your best bet.

 

4) Absolutely great.

Edited March 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dandannydandan]

1) You're going NC to try to trigger a reaction in her, which is a mistake. NC it's about healing and taking care of yourself, but you won't achieve this if all you're doing is waiting for her to contact you. You'll have half a foot in the present, one and a half in the past.

 

Hmm. I'm enforcing NC make a change from the "Nice Guy" person who always replied to messages straight away. I want her to wonder "why hasn't he replied", "What's he up to" etc. I'm hoping the mystery of NC will make her think about me more. Is NC not the way to go? I was only planning to enforce it for a short time to heal myself a bit.

 

NC is also helping me because I'm not hanging on a reply from her, and because I'm not hanging on it's letting me get on with my life better and heal a bit.

 

I plan on contacting her in a few weeks or months regardless to see if she wants to meet up and chat about why it didn't work.

 

I wouldn't use it initially as a way to get back together with her as I'm not in the right space for ANY relationship. But IF we do meet up and IF it's productive and goes well then who knows.

 

I know there's a strong possibility that she won't reply or reject the meetup (hence the IFs) but I'm willing to take my chances and live with the fallout if I get pushed back. Hopefully because the weeks or months of NC has partly/fully healed me already, the fall will be less painful and more expected than during the breakup.

 

As the saying goes you only regret the things in life you don't do and the chances you don't take, right?

[Marc878]

Hope is a dangerous thing it holds or binds you to an idea so you will be unable to move on.

 

If she wanted anything shed reach out in a serious way not breadcrumbs.

 

You still don't get it.