Letter to an Ex UPDATE: She Messaged!

[Dandannydandan]

Reading this, I will recommend a friend or yours to come and pick up the camera for you. You know deep down it would hurt you seeing her, and even more if she is not looking for reconciliation. If no friend is available maybe a family member.

 

One of the possible reasons for this message is that she feels guilty or wants to know about you. Remember that dumpers, especially, looks after their own interest. (and that's what you need to do too, think what's best for you).

 

I was thinking about getting a friend to do it, but I don't want to put them in an awkward position having to collect it.

[Dandannydandan]

Ok so I've slept on it.

 

I've decided to take plunge (and the advice of Corey Wayne etc) and take it that she's suddenly messaging now because she is interested.

 

I'd like to at least see if there's any faint possibility of getting back together in the future (I'll kick myself if I didn't take up the offer of meeting).

 

So I'm going to tell her we can meet up so I can pick up my camera, and see if she wants to grab a drink.

 

If she says no to the drink, then I'll arrange for a friend to pick up the camera and go back to NC, unless she messages again.

 

Thoughts?

[SadEgg]

Im for Team Do What Ever Makes YOU Happy.

 

Will the letter make you seem weak or work in your favor to get her back...who knows. Every situation is different but clearly the normal outcome of a dumpee pursuing the dumper, in any way, will result in pushing them further away.

 

But if it makes you happy to send it, then by all means send it. Everything you do now should be about you.

[Dandannydandan]

Im for Team Do What Ever Makes YOU Happy.

 

Will the letter make you seem weak or work in your favor to get her back...who knows. Every situation is different but clearly the normal outcome of a dumpee pursuing the dumper, in any way, will result in pushing them further away.

 

But if it makes you happy to send it, then by all means send it. Everything you do now should be about you.

 

Thanks SadEgg!

 

Im ok with not sending the letterl, been a few developments that mean I probably should update the title haha (anyone know how to?)

[Gene Clark]

Thanks SadEgg!

 

Im ok with not sending the letterl, been a few developments that mean I probably should update the title haha (anyone know how to?)

 

Hey there Dan, doing ok? (within the bounds of what's possible for you atm)

 

Man, stumbling upon this thread was the best thing that happened to me today. I've been in NC for around the same time as you, nearly two months already! I can relate to your struggle and I'm getting the same urges and whatnot but this site has been tremendously helping me stand my NC ground.

 

But I'll let you in on a little secret:

 

Two weeks after the BU, I sent her a much much longer letter than yours ever dreamed to be. More of a manuscript if you will.

 

She replied but not in the way I expected her to.

Actually a friend gave me some of the same (rare) advice seen on this thread, that I should contact her, send her a letter or whatever if only to see how she would react, to kill off any lingering hope I might still have.

 

And I did. But of course it backfired because she couldn't be asked to objectively tell me whether it was 100% over and that she had no feelings for me.

It failed miserably because it only led to more of her leading me on and not being straightforward about what she wants.

 

I'd say you made the right choice in not sending her the letter and I would have done the same had this not been my very first relationship.

 

I'd like to further embarrass myself and share some of what was on that letter if that's ok with you. I think we can help each other stick it out.

 

On a side note, I was also wondering...how do you update a thread title?

I don't see any options for that when looking at the message editing tools and once a post has replies it's pretty much locked up as far as I'm concerned.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Gene Clark

[Dandannydandan]

We're all in this together Gene Clark.

 

Ok this is what I'm going to reply with, hope it's enough to meet up and sound out her intentions, without being too forward and scaring her off.

 

Wish me luck!

 

Hi Dan's Ex.

 

I'm good thanks. Thanks for offering to give back my camera, that's very nice of you.

 

We could meet up, that would be probably be easier. Maybe we could meet in a pub, have a drink and catch up?

 

 

Dan

[Dandannydandan]

Ok so she's replied, and the way she signed it off makes it sound like she's trying super hard to friendzone me. Mainly because she never signed off any texts with "cheers" before. I don't know if its because I'm playing my cards close to my chest so she is too?

 

I know I'm reading way too much into this but I still can't understand why, after 3 months, she suddenly wants to return my camera to me now.

 

Anyway, here it is.

 

Hi Dan,

That would be great. When is good for you? What about Thursday after work? I finish at 5pm so can meet you somewhere if that suits?

Cheers, Dan' Ex.

 

Oh and how can I update the thread title? It's gone beyond the letter now.

[whatdeww18]

Ok so she's replied, and the way she signed it off makes it sound like she's trying super hard to friendzone me. Mainly because she never signed off any texts with "cheers" before. I don't know if its because I'm playing my cards close to my chest so she is too?

 

I know I'm reading way too much into this but I still can't understand why, after 3 months, she suddenly wants to return my camera to me now.

 

Anyway, here it is.

 

Hi Dan,

That would be great. When is good for you? What about Thursday after work? I finish at 5pm so can meet you somewhere if that suits?

Cheers, Dan' Ex.

 

Oh and how can I update the thread title? It's gone beyond the letter now.

 

You have gone against much of the advice to not contact her to meet up. You should have let her keep the camera or get a friend to get it. Who cares why? One thing could be she just wants to give you your camera back, nothing else.

 

I was hoping someone would chime in before you sent that message. I will just say you are shooting yourself in the foot. This girl dumped you by text, and you are asking to catch up? Sounds like you are on the back burner for her while she gets to play the field.

 

It's sticky'd as one of the first couple posts. I forget the intricate details but I think it involves PMing a moderator.

 

In my opinion, you took yourself to the friendzone. You need to take her off the pedestal you put her on and get yourself back. Also, quit listening to Corey Wayne so much and just focus on improving yourself. If she comes back, she does. If not, you'll be a better partner. You're going to drive yourself mad with overthinking all the interactions and words. We've all been there. It gets better but you have to move on.

 

I would suggest just getting your camera back, or letting her keep it.

[Dandannydandan]

You have gone against much of the advice to not contact her to meet up. You should have let her keep the camera or get a friend to get it. Who cares why? One thing could be she just wants to give you your camera back, nothing else.

 

I was hoping someone would chime in before you sent that message. I will just say you are shooting yourself in the foot. This girl dumped you by text, and you are asking to catch up? Sounds like you are on the back burner for her while she gets to play the field.

 

It's sticky'd as one of the first couple posts. I forget the intricate details but I think it involves PMing a moderator.

 

In my opinion, you took yourself to the friendzone. You need to take her off the pedestal you put her on and get yourself back. Also, quit listening to Corey Wayne so much and just focus on improving yourself. If she comes back, she does. If not, you'll be a better partner. You're going to drive yourself mad with overthinking all the interactions and words. We've all been there. It gets better but you have to move on.

 

I would suggest just getting your camera back, or letting her keep it.

 

Thanks WhatDeww!

 

Yeah I feel weird about meeting up now, but that little voice inside my head is telling "what if if she's indirectly reaching out" even though I know it's the most unlikely of scenario's. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to find out.

 

I'm going to think about it today if I can go through with meeting up. Im not sure whether to ask her if there is another motive for her putting it out there to meet up, and if not, only to contact me if she changes her mind?

 

I did have a look through the pinned threads but there was nothing specific about editing a thread title. I'll message a Mod.

[Dandannydandan]

I know Im thinking way to much into this, but I kind of want to send a message seeking clarification as to why she wants to return my camera. Something along the lines of:

 

Hi Dan's Ex,

 

Sorry but I can't help but wonder why you're offering to return my camera now?

 

Is there another reason for offering to meet up? I love you but I can't just be friends, and (after what happened last time) if there isn't another reason, I think it would be best to drop it off somehow.

 

Dan

[Kitchen]

I know Im thinking way to much into this, but I kind of want to send a message seeking clarification as to why she wants to return my camera. Something along the lines of:

 

Hi Dan's Ex,

 

Sorry but I can't help but wonder why you're offering to return my camera now?

 

Is there another reason for offering to meet up? I love you but I can't just be friends, and (after what happened last time) if there isn't another reason, I think it would be best to drop it off somehow.

 

Dan

 

Don't send this. Make a decision based on your gut as to what you'd like to do, but even if she is somewhat interested in exploring again with you, this message will just kill it for her. Don't leave it up to her; you decide.

[Dandannydandan]

Thanks Kitchen! I'll do that.

 

I think I'll take my chances and meet up, maybe have a drink.

 

I'll just keep asking the questions and try and divert her from finding too much about what's going on with me.

[Blanco]

Corey Wayne makes his living, in part, by convincing people that he's got the secrets to getting your ex back. He's got some interesting ideas, but it's important not to lose sight that he's made a small fortune on selling thousands of people on the notion that he's got all of the answers to get your ex back into your life.

 

He's not wrong about how pulling away after a breakup can lead to curiosity from the other person. That is not the same as rebuilding a healthy romantic relationship.

 

The unsexy and much-less-profitable truth is that exes are almost always best left in the past.

[Marc878]

You go in expecting nothing but to get your camera back. Just listen and don't put Mickey Mouse ears on being over happy.

 

Let her talk. You'll know soon enough.

 

She maybe feeling a little guilty over dumping you over text.

 

If she offers you a friendship just politely decline it.

 

Don't hang around if that's the case. Just say "thank you, it as nice spring you but I gotta go". Then leave!!!!!

[Dandannydandan]

You go in expecting nothing but to get your camera back. Just listen and don't put Mickey Mouse ears on being over happy.

 

Let her talk. You'll know soon enough.

 

She maybe feeling a little guilty over dumping you over text.

 

If she offers you a friendship just politely decline it.

 

Don't hang around if that's the case. Just say "thank you, it as nice spring you but I gotta go". Then leave!!!!!

 

Never heard of the phrase Mickey Mouse ears, what is that? I'll make sure I don't do it.

 

Definitely turning down any "just be friends" request, it's that last possible thing I want and it won't lead anywhere.

 

Ok so I'm meeting her on Friday after work. Any other advice or pep talks on what to say and what not to say would be super appreciated.

[Marc878]

Never heard of the phrase Mickey Mouse ears, what is that? I'll make sure I don't do it.

 

Showing up in awe of her. Over eager to see her. Pretend you're there to get your camera. Nothing else. Zero expectations. Her post didn't hint anything else

 

Definitely turning down any "just be friends" request, it's that last possible thing I want and it won't lead anywhere.

 

Ok so I'm meeting her on Friday after work. Any other advice or pep talks on what to say and what not to say would be super appreciated.

 

Be cool, calm and aloof. Civil and just listen to what she has to say. Don't drown her in conversation or offer much. This is a fact finding mission.

[preraph]

She didn't reach out. You did. Please stop humiliating yourself by begging.

[Dandannydandan]

Be cool, calm and aloof. Civil and just listen to what she has to say. Don't drown her in conversation or offer much. This is a fact finding mission.

 

I will be James Bond.

 

So you would advise against being the enthusiastic and outgoing guy she loved?

 

IF the question comes up asking if there has has been anyone else or if Im seeing someone (which I'd assume to mean she's interested), how should I answer it?

[Dandannydandan]

She didn't reach out. You did. Please stop humiliating yourself by begging.

 

I reached out in offering to meet for a drink, she made the first move to message and offer to meet up (albeit just to return something).

 

I wanted to meet up to avoid being casually breadcrumbed through text and just get down to it, if there is actually any "it", and if there isn't then I"ll go back to NC.

[Blanco]

I know you want to be prepared for any outcome, but I think you're getting yourself amped up for something that is almost certainly going to disappoint you. You need to go into this meeting with the expectation that she truly just wants to give you back an expensive item of yours.

[Dandannydandan]

I know you want to be prepared for any outcome, but I think you're getting yourself amped up for something that is almost certainly going to disappoint you. You need to go into this meeting with the expectation that she truly just wants to give you back an expensive item of yours.

 

That's how Im going to try and keep going over it in my head.

[Timpye]

good luck, rooting for you bruz

[Dandannydandan]

good luck, rooting for you bruz

 

Cheers Timpye! I'll keep the forum updated no doubt.

[Dandannydandan]

Definitely wish I'd slept on it one more night.

 

Definitely should have not asked to go for that drink and instead have let her ask for it.

 

Anyway, there's not much I can do now. But I'm going to be as cold as ice when I do meet her so she knows I'm totally not ok with how she ended it and haven't forgiven her.

[SevenCity]

Definitely wish I'd slept on it one more night.

 

Definitely should have not asked to go for that drink and instead have let her ask for it.

 

Anyway, there's not much I can do now. But I'm going to be as cold as ice when I do meet her so she knows I'm totally not ok with how she ended it and haven't forgiven her.

 

I haven't read the last few pages but from what I gather you want her back, no?

 

If that's the case don't be a dick. Don't be all butt hurt. Be the guy she fell in love with and not the guy she dumped.

 

Don't bring up the RL unless she does and don't make it the topic of the night. Be like you were on the first date. You're over it but open to start something new.

 

Showing her coldness and anger will ruin any chances you have of getting her back.

 

Apologies if you just want to show up and give her a big FU. If that's the case move forward with your approach.