Letter to an Ex UPDATE: She Messaged!

[Blanco]

Dan, you can disagree with me if you'd like, but I don't think you're being honest with yourself here. There's a small part of you that (maybe subconsciously) hopes that by being so transparent, she will have an awakening of sorts and possibly reconsider things.

[Marc878]

Look within. That's where your problems are.

 

You're seeking some sort of validation from others. They can't help you. Only you can do that.

 

Your X has told you and shown you there's no relationship yet you still don't believe her. Why?

 

Find a good IC or you'll just ruin your next relationship.

[Deadmeat]

Ok. This what Im going to do. Im going to send her one last message and then move on.

 

She has long known I haven't been myself, I hid my depression and anxiety from her and it made me incredibly unhealthy doing that. Im going to write her everything about it, that Im suffering from it and thats why I was not myself for a very long time.

 

I think it would be a massive relief and weight off my shoulders to just send it (even if she doesn't read it) to make her aware, and then move on.

 

It was a relief when I told my closest friend back home, and to do the same with the one person present through it all would be a huge relief, a weight off, and I can move on with NC.

 

I don't care if it makes me look weak or needy or insecure, I already look and feel that way.

 

I have nothing more to lose and only my health to gain, and to release something that's sat there, brewed, and stirred unhealthily inside me for so long will be a step towards that.

 

Why? Just why?

 

This is so selfish. You are doing it to try and get a response from her. You are doing it to guilt her into coming back to your life. That is extremely unhealthy and so manipulative. If you really love this girl you will let her go.

 

 

The demons you face are yours alone. Don't bring some one else into it. YOU must work on yourself. No other person can give you that happiness. Focus on yourself.

 

Stop. Just stop this manipulative behavior. It doesn't do anybody good. Start by accepting that this relationship is over. Google codependency on YouTube and leave this poor girl alone. For your sake and hers.

[Altair0770]

Walk away. Do not send any messages. Walk away with your head held high. All sending another message does is prove to her you aren't over her, and it mainly proves to you that you aren't and this meeting was overall detrimental and set you back a bit.

 

Please move on. There is no "I told you so" posts that are going to happen from me. All you can know is people are trying to help you out as best as they can. We are all in the same boat, which is why we visit this forum frequently. The last thing we want to see is a brother is pain dig themselves deeper.

 

Please walk away from it, continue NC and do your best. I'm sorry about the anxiety and depression. I know the pain. I'm still fighting it myself. Granted, it all came from my ex, and I have exited her life despite begging me to not leave and be her friend (she's an idiot narcissist). It's a tough battle, and sometmes the only thing helping us win is hope, but false hope can throw you into a deeper hole.

 

Start your NC now and stick to it. If you ever did want to be with this woman, it will need to take a long time before she'd even reconsider reconciliation. Unfortunately, your meet up starts you all over at day 1. This is your chance to go even longer, and prove to yourself that you can win this battle.

[whatdeww18]

Dan,

I understand you are in a lot of pain. I can tell you, personally, I was in your shoes just not too long ago but longer than you have been. I know what it feels like to just try one last time. The thought, "well what do I have to lose by now when I feel like I have already lost everything," is part of the hurt and sadness from the break up. You don't want to dig yourself a deeper hole or lose yourself further from all this.

 

The need to try and show her how you "fix" the problems will accomplish very little. She is already out, and it doesn't seem like she wants to stay any longer. This. Is the hardest part to accept. The sooner you do, the quicker the tumultuous emotions come and go. Let yourself feel the emotions.

 

It's best to stay in No Contact. I don't think you clearly see the reasons why just yet. However, had you not contacted her... You would not have found out that she wasn't unaffected by the break up. Now, had you stayed in No Contact, you wouldn't be wondering if the fact that she isn't as happy as you thought means she may be second guessing her decision. It can get into a vicious cycle where you remember that she was hurt by the break up, possibly second guessing her decision, and essentially, you string yourself along. Although, she has conveyed her thoughts pretty clearly, I know what thoughts can do in a difficult time. Instead, you could focus on moving on, improving the mistakes that you acknowledge, and leading your life towards a great and improved future. So, stay in No Contact. No social media checking. No texting. Nothing.

 

Lastly, I would just like to point out a couple things. We all know you are probably going through quite a bit. Emotions can really cloud a lot of your logic and rationale. Before doing anything, before sending any message, just stay in No Contact for 2 months at the least (the longer, the better). If you still feel so strongly to send that message after that time, be my guest. However, if you go through this time and processing everything... You will realize a long term relationship means there will be hard times, and you both stick it through. Not bail through a text message. Self-respect, dignity, and clarity will come in this time. Be good to yourself. I promise, if you take this time to improve yourself, at the very least, some clarity will come. One song, though it made me sad, really connected to me and still does (I can't make you love me, by Tank).

 

I think a lot of the posts have been really helpful and truthful, yet again. One thing that I forget to convey, at times, is empathy and support when I try to give advice. I forget the crazy emotions and even crazier logic I held when I was broken up with. So, don't be too down that things don't make sense, that there are physical aches from your heartache. It's okay. Cry. Yell. Scream. Hell, go punch your pillow or sprint until you physically can't take another step. When those vicious "what if" cycles come back, come here and post and I'll listen. I hope you know that we really do understand your pain. Stay in No Contact, work on yourself, let yourself feel your emotions, let them out when you need to, and treat yourself. You're worth it.

 

It sucks. I know. But, when you treat yourself right, you're happy, and you get yourself back, it's crazy how things fall in to place. You will be a better partner for the future, whether that be someone new or your ex returning. Doing this doesn't mean it makes your ex come back. Like I said before, if she comes back she does. If not, you will have gained so much. The first step begins with you.

 

Be good to yourself in this time, my friend.

Edited April 29, 2017 by whatdeww18

[Kitchen]

Dude she admitted to you she has feelings still and kissed you.

 

Use that as your strength to move on. Don't contact her at all whatsoever and that will be the best way for her to miss you or come back to you.

 

You send that text and it'll help HER move on, not you. It'll make things worse for you.

 

Let her miss you and go crazy wondering where you went. And meet someone else in the meantime.

[bluefeather]

Time for pity is over :/ Now it's time for truth.

 

to release something that's sat there, brewed, and stirred unhealthily inside me for so long will be a step towards that.

 

You are being selfish! She is not your emotional toilet.

 

Do what you will, but it won't help. You may feel relief, but it will most likely only be temporary. And then will come regret, followed by, "I should have said this instead! Ok I'm going to send her one more message..." And on and on the cycle goes - Especially if she responds in any way.

[preraph]

I deleted her number (not blocked) and deactivated my social media.

 

I want to keep A channel of communication for her open, but not one where Im looking at her facebook or have her number saved in my phone.

 

That's not the same thing. You want to keep a line of communication only but ONLY if what she wants to say is "I love you and want you back." As long as you leave that line open, she's free to use it to do whatever she wants, and you already know that's not what she wants.

[preraph]

I feel like asking if she still planned to meet up to have a chat about it (like she always said she planned to at some stage). NOT in hope of reconciliation but to get it all out in the open and more to give myself closure.

 

What you're talking about isn't getting closure. She's told you three times how it is, and that's your closure, but you don't want to accept it. You're just harassing her at this point if you keep prodding her. It's very disrespectful not to respect her wishes and take no for an answer, so if you keep pushing it, she's going to push back.

[preraph]

Thanks Altair and 1fish2fish and Blanco!

 

I have completely relapsed. My depression and tension headaches have hit me like a brick wall.

 

For a long time, even whilst we were in a relationship, I was suffering from terrible isolation (I now live on the opposite side of the world to my old friends and family) and have really struggled to get new friends. I've tried joining clubs, meetups etc without success, and my ongoing depression and anxiety just made me isolate myself even more.

 

I enjoyed it last night not because I hoping for reconciliation but because the feelings of isolation, tension headaches and depression had vanished and I was just happy enjoying good company. She has always been available for me, listened to me and always replied to text messages quickly (apart from the needy breakup ones, understandably). This is not something I can say of any friend I have.

 

I feel being friends and having her in my life would help me as I battle and try and overcome the depression and anxiety, even more if I actually tell her about it (I've hid it from her). But I also know for as long as I harbour feelings for her I would not be able to see her with anyone else (I could ask her to just not tell me when she does).

 

I know of the "band aid" phrase, but I feel like keeping it on until I am cured of my depression and anxiety would serve me better than ripping it off and spiraling into much darker place that I don't want to imagine, and suffering with long term depression, might never get out of.

 

Please no "I told you so" replies, it's really not what I need right now.

 

Next you'll be threatening suicide to try to force her to come back. I'm sure she knows you're unstable and have problems. This isn't going to be a big revelation to her. You're trying to coerce her into staying. That is the mark of a crazy person, so think about that, whether that is the last impression you want to leave her with.

[GeekLover]

Next you'll be threatening suicide to try to force her to come back. I'm sure she knows you're unstable and have problems. This isn't going to be a big revelation to her. You're trying to coerce her into staying. That is the mark of a crazy person, so think about that, whether that is the last impression you want to leave her with.

 

I agree with all the other posters. Don't send the message. Leave it be. Let that meet up you had with her be the last impression she has of you. It will at least be a stronger image of yourself than what you will be depicting in that message.

 

Walk away with your head held high. Sure...leave one line of communication open for her, but only respond to anything worthwhile. Post here if you hear from her again BEFORE you respond. But continue with your life assuming she is gone for good.

 

And I agree with bluefeather: Don't dump your depression and anxiety on her. It's not her cross to carry. Relief from that will come from within, nobody else can save you from it.

[jamili]

Dont send that last message man. You will 1000% regret it, and you 100000% destroy any future chance of her someday coming back.

[ML Hammer95]

Dont send that last message man. You will 1000% regret it, and you 100000% destroy any future chance of her someday coming back.

 

Can only echo this.

 

It's hard right now but NC really is a win-win. I'm always surprised how many times I've done this and girls have come back but I don't do it for that reason - the reason I do it is to put myself first, work on what I need to work on and live my life without holding myself back for anybody. The point is that this girl has told you 'no' and sending any more messages will drive her even further away.

 

I would throw myself into solving your depression issues before anything else. You need to learn to accept who you are and not feel the need for another person to complete you.