Letter to an Ex UPDATE: She Messaged!

[marky00]

It's alright.

 

 

No Contact has its benefits regardless of why you impose it.

 

 

When I started NC many months ago, I did initially still harbour hopes that another chapter may unfold one day. But over time, I started feeling better simple because the contact had stopped.

 

 

So just don't overthink why you are doing NC.

 

 

Do it because your sick of being treated with disrespect, create some boundaries for yourself and stick to your guns.

 

 

As time passes, you will start to figure out why the NC is in place and it will surprise in a few months when you decide to ignore her breadcrumbs.

[Dandannydandan]

It's alright.

 

 

No Contact has its benefits regardless of why you impose it.

 

 

When I started NC many months ago, I did initially still harbour hopes that another chapter may unfold one day. But over time, I started feeling better simple because the contact had stopped.

 

 

So just don't overthink why you are doing NC.

 

 

Do it because your sick of being treated with disrespect, create some boundaries for yourself and stick to your guns.

 

 

As time passes, you will start to figure out why the NC is in place and it will surprise in a few months when you decide to ignore her breadcrumbs.

 

The NC has definately improved me since I'm not looking hanging on a reply.

 

I'm hoping I'll feel the same over the next few weeks and months but it's been almost 2 months and there's been no improvement so far.

 

I'm trying not over think it but my anxiety prevents me doing that with anything haha. Im focussing on fixing that and my depression at the moment.

[Dandannydandan]

Hope is a dangerous thing it holds or binds you to an idea so you will be unable to move on.

 

If she wanted anything shed reach out in a serious way not breadcrumbs.

 

You still don't get it.

 

I get it. Hope is just not an easy thing to give up on.

[Dandannydandan]

Under what circumstances do you break NC with an ex?

 

So my ex and I were together for 2 years, she broke it off, after 3 months she messaged me that she missed me and we had another 3 months before she broke it off again, which was now 2 months ago.

 

During the first breakup I sent frequent messages of "I miss you", wrote poems, sent her gifts and flowers, remained friends on facebook and probably did every "NO" in the book. During this time I coped relatively well.

 

Since the last breakup, after a couple of weeks pleading to talk (she broke up with me over text this time), I did alot of "yesses" in the book, I went NC (apart from a birthday text), deactivated facebook and done alot of the things that helped first time. She sent the last message hoping I was ok, to which I haven't replied.

 

The difference is this time I have got noticeably worse over the last 2 months despite enforcing alot of the "yesses". My depression and anxiety are at an all time low.

 

So my question is under what circumstances do you break NC with an ex?

 

I know the battlecry will be "NEVER" but I really love this girl and despite having a few relationships in the past (Im 30) this is the strongest connection ive felt with anyone ever, she was my best friend. I can't seem to give up on hope trying to get her back, as the saying goes you only regret what you don't do, right?

 

Although I'm trying NC to heal its just not working. I feel because I did every "No" in the book last time and tried everything I could to get her back, I knew I couldn't do any more and almost felt comfort in knowing if it hadn't worked out then at least I'd tried everything.

[Altair0770]

You break NC when she texts you asking to reconcile, or sends breadcrumbs in which you either ignore or you respond with indifference and don't give out any information.

 

NC is a way to heal. People use it as a method to manipulate their ex into reconciliation. Unfortunately, it's 100% on the ex to decide to reconcile, and no manipulation will work. All NC does is give you room to heal, and gives them time to see life without you.

 

Sign up for therapy if you feel it's worse. The reason it felt better before is because you were in false hope, rather than reality. Do you prefer to go through hell right now to feel much better later or be stuck in a false hope limbo until you crash and burn when she moves on to another guy?

[Dandannydandan]

You break NC when she texts you asking to reconcile, or sends breadcrumbs in which you either ignore or you respond with indifference and don't give out any information.

 

NC is a way to heal. People use it as a method to manipulate their ex into reconciliation. Unfortunately, it's 100% on the ex to decide to reconcile, and no manipulation will work. All NC does is give you room to heal, and gives them time to see life without you.

 

Sign up for therapy if you feel it's worse. The reason it felt better before is because you were in false hope, rather than reality. Do you prefer to go through hell right now to feel much better later or be stuck in a false hope limbo until you crash and burn when she moves on to another guy?

 

Thanks Altair!

 

The false hope ended up a reality when we got back together, which is why I'm (irrationally) thinking this MIGHT work again, although it's very unlikely.

 

I've been seeing a psychologist for a couple of months already, to help try and address not just the relationship but other issues that ultimately ignited my depression in the first place, but I still seem worse off now than when see broke it off.

 

She sent me a long message to say "thank you so much for the birthday message I really appreciate it, I hope you're ok", to which I haven't responded, I'm trying to leave it one more message (if she sends it) and extend NC before I consider replying but we'll see how it goes.

 

In my mind I'm still harbouring the same hope of reconciliation (although I don't want to be thinking this, and know it's very unlikely) but I'm implementing a different approach to dealing with it.

[Altair0770]

Everyone hopes for reconciliation when they've been dumped. I DON'T want a relationship with my ex, but stupid me would jump right into one with her because I once loved her, and had to give up on loving her. People all the time say, "don't hope for reconciliation it'll prolong the process". That's impossible, we'll always have hope.

 

But it does get easier with time.

[Dandannydandan]

Everyone hopes for reconciliation when they've been dumped. I DON'T want a relationship with my ex, but stupid me would jump right into one with her because I once loved her, and had to give up on loving her. People all the time say, "don't hope for reconciliation it'll prolong the process". That's impossible, we'll always have hope.

 

But it does get easier with time.

 

It's good to hear Im not being completely irrational in hoping for reconciliation, despite knowing it's unlikely.

[breadbin]

course it's not irrational. It's perfectly normal to be desperate to get your ex back if you are the dumpee. There are probably thousands of posts on here that tell the same thing. Use these peoples past experiences to your advantage. The people on here don't know you personally and are only trying to help you, save you making the mistakes that they have made. I know every relationship is different but there are some great pieces of advice here even on this thread.

 

i think honestly to get back with her now would be a mistake. Things haven't changed. If anything you are more needy and desperate which might make it all the harder. The best way you can get her back is not just pretend to be but BE the man you were before you broke up. Get her out of your head, out of your life and heal yourself. Get yourself back to the place where you were before you started with this girl. She was attracted to that dan, not this one. This dan is the one she broke up with.

[Dandannydandan]

course it's not irrational. It's perfectly normal to be desperate to get your ex back if you are the dumpee. There are probably thousands of posts on here that tell the same thing. Use these peoples past experiences to your advantage. The people on here don't know you personally and are only trying to help you, save you making the mistakes that they have made. I know every relationship is different but there are some great pieces of advice here even on this thread.

 

i think honestly to get back with her now would be a mistake. Things haven't changed. If anything you are more needy and desperate which might make it all the harder. The best way you can get her back is not just pretend to be but BE the man you were before you broke up. Get her out of your head, out of your life and heal yourself. Get yourself back to the place where you were before you started with this girl. She was attracted to that dan, not this one. This dan is the one she broke up with.

 

Thanks Breadbin.

 

You are very correct. Every couple of days I get a massive urge to reach out but there are a couple of posts in this thread that I go back and read and it gives me the strength not to send it..

 

My focus is trying to get out of this depression and get back to the Dan of old. I've been going out and doing things everyday to avoid being alone in my apartment. Im seeing a Psych to get everything Ive been holding in out. Its 2 months down the line (and 18 with depression) and nothing changed yet but I know it cant last forever so I just keep plugging on.

 

I'm determined not to contact her until Im well on the road to recovery at least. If she contacts me again in the meantime Ill deal with that if it comes. But I know I have to focus on getting better and the only one that can do that is me.

 

Im still all over the place and it helps writing here so i'll probably start just posting my thoughts (sorry all in advance). It's not because I'm not learning from whats been posted so far, it's to help me make sense of and get out all the s*it going around in my head.

[jamili]

You dont break NC unless they specifically and conspicuously state that they want to get back with you. Dont reply to her breadcrumbs imo, ive made that mistake and i assure you it isnt a good idea. Just disappear from existence as if you are dead.

[Dandannydandan]

I'm sure most have been in this position, but how do resist that overwhelming urge to respond to their message or send a quick 3 letter text to say "how are you?" and reach out?

 

Im getting it several times a day most often when there's little to distract me and take my mind away from it (when I cant sleep at night etc)

[Dandannydandan]

So it’s been almost month since she replied to my birthday text (and almost 2.5 months since we broke up).

 

I still haven’t replied to her text, am maintaining NC and will continue to try and stay NC for the foreseeable future, unless she reaches out.

 

My question is asking how many dumpees out there have broken NC, sent breadcrumbs to the dumper to try and find out how they feel, and got back together?

 

I know the unofficial rule is that it’s that dumper who must initiate contact and reconciliation, but this can’t be the case in 100% of reconciliations.

 

My ex could be stubborn and even if (however unlikely) she was missing me and/or questioning her decision to end the relationship I believe she would resist contacting me again unless I replied first, telling herself that it would be wrong to go back a 3rd time.

 

Sorry guys, this might be more a rant and 'getting it of my chest' than anything. I'm having a very bad day today with the depression, and my loneliness and lack of friends/support is really hitting home.

 

I'm going to go for a walk in the sunshine and try and clear my head.

[Marc878]

A sliver of hope is a dangerous thing. It binds you and keeps you in limbo.

 

You need to get out of your fantasy and quit looking for a good excuse to contact. There isn't one.

[ImComplicated]

I have to disagree w/what the majority have said here. If you CONSTANTLY wrote letters like this since the breakup, yeah, it would be super unattractive, but if it's the only time you've ever sent her anything like this and you guys had no closure and you've given her a little time, sure, why not? sent it. i'm not saying it'll work, but you have nothing to lose, at this point, right? and nothing you wrote in that letter is psycho or cringe-worthy or creepy or desperate-sounding, so if you really want to, go for it.

 

BUT if you don't get a response, DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN.

[Dandannydandan]

I have to disagree w/what the majority have said here. If you CONSTANTLY wrote letters like this since the breakup, yeah, it would be super unattractive, but if it's the only time you've ever sent her anything like this and you guys had no closure and you've given her a little time, sure, why not? sent it. i'm not saying it'll work, but you have nothing to lose, at this point, right? and nothing you wrote in that letter is psycho or cringe-worthy or creepy or desperate-sounding, so if you really want to, go for it.

 

BUT if you don't get a response, DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN.

 

Thanks I'm Complicated! Always good to hear another side.

 

I've put the letter on the back burners for the time being and going NC. But if I hear nothing from her in a few weeks I might contact her, I will see where I am at the time.

 

I've always believed you only regret the things you don't do, and you're right, apart from the possibility of being put back a bit in my healing, the possible (but unlikely) gain from it far outweighs it for me.

 

I'm very up and down at the moment and still a bit all over the shop, so I'm going to sit on it at least a bit longer until I'm at least a bit more stable.

[fromheart]

One thing I would recommend for you is his.

 

"No More Mr Nice Guy" it's a free PDF download.

 

Not a long read either but many swear by it.

 

Read it twice in depth. There is a balanced you need to achieve between holding too much in and letting too much out.

 

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.

 

Plus Corey Wayne.

 

One thing you have to understand and accept when a woman dumps you, she has a very low interest at that particular point.

 

You're saying that she was the only one who knew about your depression; try not to tell girls too much about your mental state, become responsible for it yourself.

 

They will pry into your inner workings, as when you're a mystery to be discovered and it is very attractive. When that mystery is depression, they'll usually bail.

If the mystery is how you DEAL with the depression, then this can be very attractive and incredibly rare.

 

Your letter is pure confirmation that yes you are indeed weak and unattractive, and she did the right thing by dumping you.

 

The absolute best thing to do is to take steps into managing your own mental state. Then you'll be in a much better position to have a healthy relationship.

[fromheart]

NC all the way, every day. Trust us on this.

[Dandannydandan]

Ok guys. Advice Needed!

 

She sent another message!

 

 

Its been a few weeks since my ex replied to my birthday message and I've been no contact since then (disappeared off the face of the earth).

 

But she's sent another message, which I'll post below, and I'm jyst wondering how to reply? As far as I can see there are 2 ways I can take it.

 

1) She has zero interest in me and is for some reason being really nice in wanting to return my camera (which she could have just kept and never mentioned it).

 

2) She's using this as a way to start a conversation, whatever intentions they may be for.

 

From watching Corey Wayne etc on YouTube they say that you should treat any contact from an ex as a way of them showing they're interested (lets face it its rare they come straight out with "I miss you, I made a mistake and want you back").

 

But anyway I wanted you advice on how you think I should proceed?

 

For those who can't remember she dumped me over text, said she planned to meet up at some point to talk about it, then stopped replying when I wrongly and needily tried to push for it straight away.

 

Anyway, here's the message:

 

Hi Dandannydan, how are you?

 

I hope you're well ?

 

I just wanted to let you know I have your good camera and I know how much you love to take photos especially now Vivid is coming up soon.

 

Let me know how you would like me to get it back to you. I can drop it somewhere for you or if you want I can meet you somewhere if you prefer?

 

Thanks, Dandannydandan's Ex.

[lana-banana]

You're overthinking this. She's just trying to return your camera. I would never keep any of an ex's belongings, especially something as expensive as a good camera. Write her back politely and stop obsessing because this isn't an attempt to get you back.

[marky00]

You're overthinking this. She's just trying to return your camera. I would never keep any of an ex's belongings, especially something as expensive as a good camera. Write her back politely and stop obsessing because this isn't an attempt to get you back.

 

Funny, my ex dumped me and gave me an iPhone a few days before dumping me.

 

 

A year later, when I started to feel better, I used it everyday.

 

 

Personal possessions and who gave them to you are petty. If she is the dumper, that seems quite cruel to break NC over a camera. I realise the camera is actually the OPs in this case but the same rule applies I think. Once the BU happens, unless its a fricken car or something, whoever has what, just leave it be,

 

 

I don't totally buy it. Not at all saying she wants a reconciliation but there's always an ulterior motive for such behaviour. Even dumpers need to "ween off" and often seek validation.

 

 

Personally OP, I would say to her it ok, you don't really need the camera. I don't think its right meeting her under that context when clearly things are far more complex.

Edited April 24, 2017 by marky00

[Dandannydandan]

I don't totally buy it. Not at all saying she wants a reconciliation but there's always an ulterior motive for such behaviour. Even dumpers need to "ween off" and often seek validation.

 

Personally OP, I would say to her it ok, you don't really need the camera. I don't think its right meeting her under that context when clearly things are far more complex.

 

I don't buy it either, she broke up with me not far off 3 months ago and she knows she had the camera. Even if she forgot, she lives in a studio and there's no way it took her this long to find it.

 

It's a good and expensive camera that I would like back, but I'm in no position to meet her unless there's a chance of reconciliation. We don't have any mutual friends either so there's no chance we can do a "drop off", and she knows that.

 

I just don't get why she's messaging this now.

[BG1]

 

It's a good and expensive camera that I would like back, but I'm in no position to meet her unless there's a chance of reconciliation.

 

Reading this, I will recommend a friend or yours to come and pick up the camera for you. You know deep down it would hurt you seeing her, and even more if she is not looking for reconciliation. If no friend is available maybe a family member.

 

One of the possible reasons for this message is that she feels guilty or wants to know about you. Remember that dumpers, especially, looks after their own interest. (and that's what you need to do too, think what's best for you).

[DarrenB]

If you really want the camera back, ask her to drop it outside your house or something. I doubt that she'd want to have a coffee whilst doing so.

 

If you want something more than just the camera, I suggest you make it as if you were oblivious of that message from her and that you never even received it.

[Dandannydandan]

If you want something more than just the camera, I suggest you make it as if you were oblivious of that message from her and that you never even received it.

 

I do still harbour hope of reconciliation, although I know its unlikely.

 

What do you mean when you suggest that I reply whilst appearing oblivious to her message?