Newlyweds troubles

[MonicaD]

I have been married for just over 2 months and my husband decided 4 weeks ago that he feels he made a mistake and he wants a divorce. We dated for 2 1/2 years and he was really hurt from a previous marriage that did not end by his choice. He has a son who he is very much involved in his life. I have a son the same age as his and they are great friends. My husband had many fears about blending the families together by getting married. He actually called the wedding off and then decided to go ahead with it. We got married and moved his son into the house. The kids have adjusted fine, but my husband is not adjusting well. He has a hard time spending more time with my son than his and he thinks he made a mistake getting married at all. He has moved all of his things back to his parents how where he has an apartment. He left his sons here and they still stay here when my husband has his son. My husband has been miserable for weeks and insists he doesn't want to be married and that he thinks he wants a divorce, but he hasn't decided for sure. He goes away for the weekend to his parent rental at the lake and says my son and I are not invited. My dad passed away last week and my husband put his "good supportive husband" hat on and was there for the entire thing acting like nothing was wrong. When I ask him what is the matter he says that he is unhappy and that he doesn't want the marriage and that he just made a mistake and a divorce will fix it. I don't want a divorce. He says our relationship was always a roller coaster due to his fears and that he just wasn't ready to get married and take on the responisiities of marriage. We are in our late thirties. He can't answer why he is uphappy or what he would want to change he just wants out. What do I do. The kids really love each other and I really want my marriage to work. I suggested marriage counseling but he said no. He and his first wife did that and it didn't work. He just yesterday, agreed to go to counseling himself but he doens't feel it will make a difference. 4 weeks ago he seemed so happy. We had one fight and he packed his bags and left. He came back a couple days later with a few clothes, but he says he's not moving back in until he figures out what he's gonna do and he doesn't know. HELP

[A Fly onThe Wall]

What was the fight about ?

 

If he is having second thoughts about your marriage after the fight then maybe he saw a side to you he didn't like

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, once one person wants out and doesn't want to stay married or fix things there isn't much you can do but let them go.

 

The redflags were up when he hesitated before marrying you, calling off the wedding and then going ahead with it. His gut told him then not to do it and he obviously ignored those feelings. Im' sorry, I'm not saying that to hurt you, but it is the truth. He DOES love you, but wasn't ready to get married.

 

I think him excluding you and your son isn't right, but again, there isn't much you can do. He's made up his mind, or seems that way from what you've said here..

 

It is possible he's met somebody else? I"m not saying he's cheating on you, but there's always that possibility.

 

I feel for what you're going through and ofcourse, the kids too. I'm sure they aren't pleased with his choice to leave either.

 

Keep posting and continue to tell him how you feel. Maybe he just needs some time to figure things out and is scared of the whole committment issue and settling down again.

[whichwayisup]

If he is having second thoughts about your marriage after the fight then maybe he saw a side to you he didn't like

 

People don't leave so suddenly because of that!! Isn't nice to putdown either...They dated for 2 1/2 years, so I think by now he's known her long enough to see most of what she is about.

[Merin]

Wow..

 

Well as WWIU pointed out there was red flags when he had cancelled the wedding to begin with.

 

Sounds to me that your Husband had/has committment issues that he never resolved before the 2 of you got married.. it also sounds that he still harbours negative feelings regarding marraige stemming from his first failed marriage.

 

Now that he finally made the decision to marry you and the 2 of you moved forward with living together and the Little People being there he's freaking out.. and honestly I'm willing to bet his immature behaviour is probably one of the many reasons his first marraige didn't work out to begin with.

 

Even if your Husband doesn't wish to go to counseling with you, perhaps it would be a good idea to consider some counseling for yourself (maybe finding some answers there to help you help him) and for your children.

 

Best Wishes

[MonicaD]

Hi,

The fight wasn't anything big. Just basically sharing the household responsibilities. It excalated and I went to bed, he slept on the couch and then packed his stuff the next day. He came back a few days later trying to break the ice. I was upset cause he actually left. Now he is focusing on how easily he left and that he fears he would do it again and that we should just admit we made a mistake. We were blissfully happy it seemed the first 4 weeks. He wanted to get me pregnant. We had discussed home improvments etc. How could his feelings have changed so quickly? Now he doesn't know if he feels anything for me other than a physical attraction. If he wanted to wait to get married I would have. I kept asking him if he was sure. He said he was. Now he says mabye it's the whole marriage he doesn't want and after the divorce we can continue to date each other. WHAT IS THAT?

[whichwayisup]

The fact he up and left for such a stupid reason tells me that was his easy way out the door.

 

Merin's right on the ball with this. HE has emotional issues from his previous marriage and really wasn't ready to walk down the isle with you. Some men can't marry again if they divorce.

 

I don't know what else to say except listen to your gut and try to keep things stable at home for your son. I'm sure he's upset about all this well.

[MonicaD]

I appreciate all the advice I've gotten so far, but really, I want this to work out. I know he has issues with his last divorce. So what, he's gonna feel great getting another one? I am hoping he is just going through something and it is like a transition. I'd like some help on my best way to handle that. What if I say "Get out" and he does. If he is here maybe I can get through to him. If he leaves I myself would be petrified to let him back in fear that it would happen again. I don't want to walk on eggshells. If I can support him while (if) he goes to a counselor, then that can only be a good thing right? If I turn my back I'm behaving no better than he is. Maybe you could give advice on how I try to work it out. Please. His decision will affect his son as well as mine. Right now he is only thinking of right now.

[whichwayisup]

I think you've got some blinders on and you aren't seeing the full picture here. In denial. That's okay, because you need to do what you need to do. If you're not ready to give up, then FIGHT for your marriage.

 

I'll say it again, but once feelings change in the marriage and one doesn't want it anymore there isn't much you can do to get it back.

 

Also, the fact he doesn't treat your son as his own is not cool. Enough time has gone by he SHOULD have done this already.

 

This isn't an easy time for you and I hope it does work out. Do MC and Individual counselling aswell.

 

Maybe he'll realize how hard life will be without you...I don't know...But the redflags are still there from your original post about him nearly backing out of the marriage then changing his mind...How can you trust he won't decide to leave again in the future?

[MonicaD]

I know I probably have blinders on but I can't imagine my life with out him and his son. They are family now. You know! How can feeling really change overnight?

[whichwayisup]

I know this is hard. Doesn't mean you have to accept it's over, just keep your shield up for a while. He isn't sure what he wants and that is not fair to you or your son. If he felt this way then sadly, he should not have gotten married. He obviously loves you, but can't stay and cope with life right now. I know you can't change your feelings over night, noone is expecting you to do that...I hope he isn't putting that on you??

 

Hang in there and keep posting.

[MonicaD]

Hey!

Thanks for putting up with my melt downs. I don't understand how his feeling could change over night. How he can seem so happy for months, plan a wedding happily. Be asked by me and his family over and over if he is sure, he says yes and then decide it's not what he wants after 5 weeks. HOW IS THAT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. How can he not see that it might take a bit of adjustment and work to put all the pieces into place. HOW! It's a nightmare I just can't wake up from. I feel so out of control. This is effecting me and our family as well as him. How do I make him see that?

[Dreamweaver]

If he is willing to go to counseling, stand behind him. The doc may give him mind exercises or a prescription for depression. Just try and stick it out and give him time.

[MonicaD]

Thanks

That was what I was trying to say. Maybe if he works through is stuff, he will realize it had nothing to do with not wanting to be married. I am so glad you responded and you too what'supwiththis.. I appreciate and am processing all the advice. Maybe in the end, it won't work out. But dont' I have to try and stick it through. I think so. Like he says, he's still here. Maybe he just needs to work through some stuff. Maybe not. But everything happened so suddenly. SOOOOOOOOOOOO SUDDELNLY! How can he know what he really wants\/

[Woggle]

Good for him. He sounds like a smart man. He wants out and there is nothing you can do about it. Just move on with your life.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Woggle

Good for him. He sounds like a smart man. He wants out and there is nothing you can do about it. Just move on with your life.

 

That was helpful..

 

Jeez!

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Sometimes we don't know where the line is that has to crossed before we throw the towel in.

 

With me when I was married I took my vows seriously and i was willing to go down in flames before divorcing.

 

But one of the things that I never saw because of the blinders is that it takes 2 to make it work.. Even in Counseling.

 

If you are the only one that wants to make it work then it is like shoveling sand against the tide.. Impossible

 

As soon as I pulled the blinders off.. I filed for divorce

[MonicaD]

Hey guys,

 

Lsst night I did a lot of thinking and I took my wedding rings off. My H went to his place to do laundry and check on his gram, cause his folks are away. We were on the phone and I was trying to talk to him. He is so closed off. He has no answers and he obviously if not for talking. He ended up coming over and came to my room and put the t.v. on.I was in bed pretending to sleep. He sat by me and rubbed my back. I sat up and tried to talk to him. He got upset and said he shouldn't have come. He didn't come to talk he came to crawl in bed and fall asleep. That he would sleep on the couch. I came down with him and tried to talk. I told him that I was glad that he agreed to counseling and that I want him to be happy. That I know he is confused and that it is hard for him. That if he needs some space I will give it to him. But that for me I have to look at it like it's the beginning of the end. That I can't stand the limbo anymore. The fear that daily takes over. He noticed I took my wedding rings off and I said he could too. He got so angry. We are still married he said, And I am still here. I said your body is here, but you are gone. He said he's right here. I ammore confused than ever. Today we picked the boys up at camp and he came back to the house with his son so the boys could play. I made what I had planned for dinner, steak, which is his fav, but I didn't do it for that. /he took the boys for ice cream. I was quiet. Just because what am I gonna say at his point. I'm not good at faking things are fine. Should I say how was work? Hot day huh? Etc. Anyway he leaves tomorrow after camp with his son, to the lake, leaving my son and I at home. He's gone.

 

And Wobble or whatever the screen name is, please don't bother to respond, you are obviously dealing with something that has made you very bitter. I hope you heal.

 

Drel

[whichwayisup]

Awww Mon, I'm sorry.

 

You're handling it the right way. HE is saying one thing but his actions are saying something different. He is making the rollercoaster ride for you alot worse than it has to be. You are right, he is confused. His reaction when he saw you took the rings off is very odd. And you handled yourself perfectly. WHY should you pretend all is OK when it isn't. He has turned your life, your emotions and marriage upside down because he isn't sure what he wants. What does he expect you to do, kiss his a$$ and hold him, tell him you're fine with it? It's like he's chosen not to see how hurt you are and closed down. Feel no pain, no guilt and he's only thinking of himself right now.

 

Concentrate on your son while he's away with his son. DO fun things, see movies, go to the Zoo, visit friends and family. Be as active as you can.

 

Hugs to you cuz you need afew...

[MonicaD]

Hey which way is up.

Thanks. I feel like I am in a poker game at this point and I'm not sure if I have good cards or not. I appreciate the support. I know he is confused and right now all I can do is let him figure it out I guess. And I will do things with my son this weekend. He is my life. WE will survive. My fear is how many more times will this happen, and why do I keep allowing it? My husband is or should I say can be a great guy. It's hard to let that go. But I guess I have to get myself in the mind set that it's no longer my choice. I have to be ok so my son is ok.

 

Thanks keep giving me advice.

Drel

[Thinkalot]

I dont have extra advice to give you, but do want you to know I wish the best for you and feel for you- what you are going through must be so hard! I am a newlywed too and we have had some problems (nothing like him leaving though) and it can be really tough.

 

Hang in there. You seem to be doing the right thing and he obviously has some huge issues himself.