Rose52 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 (edited) My partner and I met three years ago and have lived together for two years. We're middle-aged - I'm widowed and he's divorced. He recently reconnected on Facebook with a group of college friends that he hadn't been in touch with for 20 years. Two of the friends were female room-mates. L was his girlfriend and he cheated on her with the other one (S) which caused he and L to break up. He told me about this a while back and said how he still felt guilty. After reconnecting in Facebook, he and L exchanged some messages, updated each other on their lives, and that was it. But he has been communicating on an almost-daily basis with S by messaging and phone calls. Sometimes late at night, sometimes at the gym, but mostly away from my eyes and ears, even though he tells me about it. My female intuition kicked in and I began looking at the messages. I'm not proud of that fact, but he had always been open with me about his password and that I was free to look at his phone. The messages ranged from catching up on each others' lives, to flirting, to reminiscing in some detail about their sexual activities in the past. I know there is no chance that they will ever have a real-life physical relationship again (for many reasons), but I feel hurt and betrayed by the level of intimacy that is evident in their communications. I confronted him about it and he said I was making a big deal out of nothing. I know that some of the messages were deleted and "secret" so I couldn't see them. I just don't know what to do and I would be very grateful for your opinions and advice. Edited March 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 I think it's a red flag. And your BF isn't considering he's hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBathWater Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Cheating is about doing something in secret that you know would upset your partner and affect the relationship if it was not secret. Obviously, you're bothered by what he's doing. Maybe this is just my perspective, but I find it defensive that he just responded with "you have nothing to worry about." It's as if he sees nothing wrong with the situation and has no intention to stop. What about how YOU feel about it and what it's doing to the both of your relationship? Does he see something wrong with that? If it's causing this much trouble, he needs to cut contact with the old friends now. It's too bad that facebook and people's curiosity can really cause conflict like this in a marriage, but it does happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 (edited) You're not making a big deal out of nothing, OP. Secretive daily chats that verge into the inappropriate are a reason to be worried. Even if they won't have the chance to meet in person, he shouldn't be having those types of conversations with other women to begin with. Period. He's just showed you he has poor boundaries and isn't respecting your relationship. The fact that he dismisses your feelings about this is troubling and indicates he's not going to put a stop to this. The question now is, what are you going to do about it? Edited March 19, 2017 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 L was his girlfriend and he cheated on her with the other one (S) which caused he and L to break up. He told me about this a while back and said how he still felt guilty. I feel hurt and betrayed by the level of intimacy that is evident in their communications. I confronted him about it and he said I was making a big deal out of nothing. I know that some of the messages were deleted and "secret" so I couldn't see them. So your boyfriend cheated with S on his girlfriend L "which caused he and L to break up", and here he is expecting you to be OK with him having an emotional affair (Google emotional affair) with S? I am sure that when L first started questioning your boyfriend's relationship with S, that your boyfriend also told L that she "was making a big deal out of nothing". Standard relationship boundaries say that you cannot have opposite sex friends that were exs. That goes double for exs that cheated with you. But of course your boyfriend is an acknowledged cheater that does not respect standard relationship boundaries. BTW, if you researched why he divorced, do not be surprised if you find that he cheated then too. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 My partner and I met three years ago and have lived together for two years. We're middle-aged - I'm widowed and he's divorced. He recently reconnected on Facebook with a group of college friends that he hadn't been in touch with for 20 years. Two of the friends were female room-mates. L was his girlfriend and he cheated on her with the other one (S) which caused he and L to break up. He told me about this a while back and said how he still felt guilty. After reconnecting in Facebook, he and L exchanged some messages, updated each other on their lives, and that was it. But he has been communicating on an almost-daily basis with S by messaging and phone calls. Sometimes late at night, sometimes at the gym, but mostly away from my eyes and ears, even though he tells me about it. My female intuition kicked in and I began looking at the messages. I'm not proud of that fact, but he had always been open with me about his password and that I was free to look at his phone. The messages ranged from catching up on each others' lives, to flirting, to reminiscing in some detail about their sexual activities in the past. I know there is no chance that they will ever have a real-life physical relationship again (for many reasons), but I feel hurt and betrayed by the level of intimacy that is evident in their communications. I confronted him about it and he said I was making a big deal out of nothing. I know that some of the messages were deleted and "secret" so I couldn't see them. I just don't know what to do and I would be very grateful for your opinions and advice. Sometimes I feel like I repeat myself too often on Loveshack but the adage "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing" does apply. I'm sorry. Facebook in and of itself is not the problem, for it is simply a vehicle most people use, and use incorrectly. The problem is with your boyfriend. It does not matter old or young, white black brown or green, it happens to the best of us. He is in the throes of an emotional affair. And in a lot of ways they can be more damaging than a physical one. He is enamored with the feelings that communicating with this woman are giving him, and it is taking him back to those halcyon days when he cheated on his girlfriend with little consequence. Those are some powerful motions, especially for someone who has more days behind them than ahead of them. You were not wrong to snoop, you were not invading his privacy, you were invading his secrecy. The burning question is what to do about it? well, if you confront now, you risk giving your source away,and if that happens he will blameshift and tell you all the ways you have failed him, because he will be backed into a corner. People tend to do that when cornered. Kind of like an Impromptu Festivus Celebration. But if you have the stomach for it sit back and watch his actions. See if you can screenshot any of these messages, send them to a private email account and then when you've had enough produce them and give him an ultimatum that you are prepared to enforce. And that ultimatum should last about 30 seconds. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 When he told you 'S' broke up him and 'L', he was giving you a preview of the road you are now traveling down. Tigers don't change their stripes, people never change, and you boyfriend is doing the same thing he did all those years ago because he is the same person he was then, just older. Couples in a relationship have no business communicating with ex lovers. For me, what he is doing is a deal breaker. Being in a relationship with someone who has such poor boundaries is only going to lead to grief and despair. I'd rather be (and currently am, so I live what I preach) single. What is OK for you is for you to decide, but I think you need to ask yourself just how much pain you are prepared to tolerate in your life... Link to post Share on other sites
inigele14u Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 He has emotionally cheated on you already, and clearly has boundary issues. He also has a past of cheating. No telling what he has done already. I'd just do the same thing he is doing to me to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rose52 Posted March 19, 2017 Author Share Posted March 19, 2017 Thank you all so much for your insight. I will consider all your advice before I decide what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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