Wanting Closure

[Steffi]

Been in this relationship for 3 years. We had a split last year which revolved around his drinking.

We patched things up and he moved back in with the hope that he would seek help with the drinking. It sort of happened but didn't. He wasn't drinking at home but I knew he was still drinking but at least it wasn't in excess.

 

Alas the drinking increased. He didn't appear happy and wasn't very communicative with me. He didn't seem to want to go out much with me.

 

He would go to appointments but was always out of the house a lot longer than the appointment would take or for what other reason he was going our for. He was drinking while out and trying to hide it. I told him I was aware.

 

He left the house last Monday 8:30 to go to an appointment at 10:30, stating he had to go to his place to check mail first.

16:30 he still wasn't home (I would of expected a text to state he was going to do other things).

I called him but no reply then he called me back 10mins later and said he was 10mins away. He said it was nice that I'd called and I replied well you weren't going to call me. Yes I was a bit miffed.

He said he had to go to the library. My total gut feeling is that he lies to me and I am fed up of it so I then hung up.

 

I didn't hear off him till 3 days later. When I went to my exercise class he came back to the house and removed most of his belongings. He emailed the next day to say he had picked his things up and would collect the rest asa. I haven't replied. He has rang the land line and left a message (not my mobile) to ask If I wanted to go to the cinema. I never use the land line; all a bit strange.

 

I think things had gotten a bit stale between us but I did try to get us to do things together. He has given up obviously.

 

I just think it is totally off not to have discussed this. It would of been nice Just to say I'm sorry but this is not working for me and then to depart on good terms.

 

I think he prefers to drink than be with me. That hurts.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened Steffi. I think the fact that he gave you no explanation and just walked out shows you what kind of guy he is. I think you are right, the drink comes first. Alcoholism is an illness. He probably realised you were not going to tolerate his drinking and jumped before he was pushed. He could not have been a good boyfriend to you if he carried on drinking.

 

Remember what you said:

 

My total gut feeling is that he lies to me and I am fed up of it

Remember that gut feeling. It told you everything. He is not going to give you closure because he is in one hell of a mess. He will have a short life if he does not get the drinking under control. Believe me, you are better off out of it. I lost a friend recently through drink. He married twice and both wives left him because of drink. He died from liver failure. He left a daughter who has only known a father who was drunk all the time. Please believe you are better off out of this relationship and don't try to get closure or to get it back. Alcoholism is serious and can mean a lifetime of tears.

[Steffi]

Thank you SpiderOwl I don't want this relationship to continue and he is not doing anything to let me know that he does, so it's over.

 

It's just hard dealing with it at this time. I feel very anger and sad that he could just walk out with out saying anything. I will not consider that he can come back into my life after doing that.

 

The drink had been a big issue with me as we couldn't have a life together. Lies are no good in a relationship they destroy trust. He lied all the time about the amount he drank but he would fall asleep on the settee; the drink made him tired.

 

He was ok with a couple but he couldn't leave it there.

I felt like I was being too demanding and uncaring when he would say he was too tired to go anywhere. Just a walk would of done him good.

 

And like everyone here after a breakup, I miss him. He was here one day and then gone the next.

[spiderowl]

Of course you are bound to miss him and feel hurt at the way he behaved. I hope that passes with time. Time does make a big difference, even a few weeks can help if you don't try to reconcile with him and end up in pain again. I think he realised he was not what you needed.

[Steffi]

I hope it passes with time also. I'm a little worried because I don't feel I can face the world and have stayed in for days, cancelled arrangements and not spoken to anyone.

I've read that I should be out mixing. Hope this wanting to alone doesn't last.

 

It's ironic because when we were together it was me who would say to him that he/we ort to socialise more....I did on my own and now I'm not.

[preraph]

Take some time to mourn. Take care of yourself during that time, including pampering like getting hair and nails done or doing them yourself, bubblebath, ice cream, see a movie. Think it through but once you start just repeating thoughts, make yourself get out more with friends and don't talk about it beyond a quick update and then change subject and start doing fun things. Watch funny movies, things like that, when alone. I'm sorry. But it's better to get out now.

[Steffi]

Yes I have to make the effort, just seems hard right now.

He called again and left a message asking me to call him. What for heavens knows.

Reading other threads I know that is not the best thing to do.

[preraph]

Probably time to block him if you have all your stuff and know it's a lost cause.

[Steffi]

Struggling with not contacting him as part of me wants to, just to hear his explanation. Then I think I would dread to hear what he has to say so that stops me.

I know things will get better and I have started today to sort some things out.

 

Some of his things are still here but there isn't anything he couldn't do without.

[preraph]

Honestly, the chances of him having a good explanation wherein he places any responsibility on himself seems unlikely in this situation. He's probably avoiding because he knows it's his fault.

[Steffi]

Then why does he call asking me to call him back? That I don't understand. He could email me or call my mobile, he has never called my land line before. Nobody calls my land line except cold callers.

I never answer it, so maybe that's why he calls the land line; wanting to leave a message without speaking to me.

Perhaps he wants to speak to me but doesn't know how the land lies.

[preraph]

And maybe that's just him checking up on you or something too. Or maybe he's just drunk dialing. Gets drunk, gets morose, picks up the phone.

[Steffi]

Oh help...I had a feeling that someone had been in my home as things had moved or disappeared. Silly things like cutlery moved about in the draw...though I was going do lally. This after I had been out of the house.

 

Was out this evening but while I was out my son came over and found him in the house. My son said the garage door was open and he was coming out of the front door.

 

So although I had secured the front door he is entering via the garage door and my back door. I wasn't aware that he had keys for those.

 

He told my son he was picking up some of his things but those things of his which he left are still here.

 

He gave my son a letter to give me.

 

He basically said that he had done a lot of things for me (some work on the kitchen) and is happy to complete the work. He said he would like to come along to a trip to see my brother in The USA, which i'd said I'd like to do this year. He asked that I pay for his air fare but if not he would do it anyway and he put 'I'm no trying to be mercenary'.

To end he said if 'You don't know how much I love you by now then i doubt if you ever will. to call him and let him know what I decide either way'.

 

This said after he walked out the house 2 weeks ago and hasn't been back, well not to see or be with me anyway. He came to my house two days later and removed most of his stuff.

 

What the hec is he thinking I'm going to think and do.

 

What do I do?

[Blanco]

You will never be a priority for an addict. It's as simple as that.

 

Make sure he has the rest of his things and then get your locks changed.

[Steffi]

That's all I can do but it's the emotional side that's difficult.

To have some one come uninvited into ones home is not nice. He went through all of my things; what for.

[Blanco]

You ask the wrong questions. It does not matter why he went through your things. All that matters is that he did.

 

I understand this is challenging, but as someone who grew up with an addict in the picture, trust me when I say that an addict cannot give you the answers or closure you desire.

[Steffi]

locks changed.

[Redhead14]

Been in this relationship for 3 years. We had a split last year which revolved around his drinking.

We patched things up and he moved back in with the hope that he would seek help with the drinking. It sort of happened but didn't. He wasn't drinking at home but I knew he was still drinking but at least it wasn't in excess.

 

Alas the drinking increased. He didn't appear happy and wasn't very communicative with me. He didn't seem to want to go out much with me.

 

He would go to appointments but was always out of the house a lot longer than the appointment would take or for what other reason he was going our for. He was drinking while out and trying to hide it. I told him I was aware.

 

He left the house last Monday 8:30 to go to an appointment at 10:30, stating he had to go to his place to check mail first.

16:30 he still wasn't home (I would of expected a text to state he was going to do other things).

I called him but no reply then he called me back 10mins later and said he was 10mins away. He said it was nice that I'd called and I replied well you weren't going to call me. Yes I was a bit miffed.

He said he had to go to the library. My total gut feeling is that he lies to me and I am fed up of it so I then hung up.

 

I didn't hear off him till 3 days later. When I went to my exercise class he came back to the house and removed most of his belongings. He emailed the next day to say he had picked his things up and would collect the rest asa. I haven't replied. He has rang the land line and left a message (not my mobile) to ask If I wanted to go to the cinema. I never use the land line; all a bit strange.

 

I think things had gotten a bit stale between us but I did try to get us to do things together. He has given up obviously.

 

I just think it is totally off not to have discussed this. It would of been nice Just to say I'm sorry but this is not working for me and then to depart on good terms.

 

I think he prefers to drink than be with me. That hurts.

 

Alcoholism is a disease -- a selfish one -- but a disease none the less. And, yes, most alcoholics will choose alcohol over a loved one. They cannot control it. It affects the brain and neurological system. Until he gets and embraces professional/long-term help, he cannot be a good relationship partner. Those are the facts, plain and simple. Until the underlying issues that are causing him to seek comfort/numbing that alcohol provides, he can never let go. That is his coping mechanism.

 

Alas the drinking increased. He didn't appear happy and wasn't very communicative with me. He didn't seem to want to go out much with me. -- Alcohol is "the other" woman. Let him go for both your sakes.

[Steffi]

Blanco you are right, that's why I don't want to talk to him because I know that what ever he says will mean nothing and even cause me more distress.

 

Dealing with his belonging is a quest for me. I wont to just take them round and leave them outside but I don't want to antagonise him.

 

I've come to an understanding that he will make things as difficult for me as possible but more in the psychological way but I'm also fearful that he may use what ever I do against me.

 

Legal and appropriate way to return his belongings.......I don't want him here again.

 

He'd had a drink yesterday and still driving. So tempted to inform police; the back lash isn't worth it.

[Steffi]

Ok I have gone no contact. Took his things back which he text and said thank you.

He is texting to ask to see me, asking me out to different venues. One text said can you tell me what you are thinking. One text said 'I can't be with anyone else but you' ohhhh.....Now the phone calls a few times a day...I've blocked the calls.

 

My thoughts now are...do I send an email to remind him that he left me and I do now wish to see him and why. Somethings tells me to but then I think why the hect should I as he left.

 

What is appropriate

[Zahara]

Ok I have gone no contact. Took his things back which he text and said thank you.

He is texting to ask to see me, asking me out to different venues. One text said can you tell me what you are thinking. One text said 'I can't be with anyone else but you' ohhhh.....Now the phone calls a few times a day...I've blocked the calls.

 

My thoughts now are...do I send an email to remind him that he left me and I do now wish to see him and why. Somethings tells me to but then I think why the hect should I as he left.

 

What is appropriate

 

This is what these types do. They swing back to see if they can rope you back into the cycle again.

 

What's appropriate is that you block him. Do not not contact him. He's not a child that you need to remind him of what's transpired. He knows he left and you should to find acceptance that this is over and that you need to move on. You don't need to announce your reasons for walking away.

 

Why are you still allowing him access?

[Steffi]

Thanks Zahara

Good to have reinforcement, your right, he knows he left. I don't want to contact him, just thought to remind would do him a favour.

I'm moving on with no contact. Not letting him in!!

[Bromeo]

This is what these types do. They swing back to see if they can rope you back into the cycle again.

 

What's appropriate is that you block him. Do not not contact him. He's not a child that you need to remind him of what's transpired. He knows he left and you should to find acceptance that this is over and that you need to move on. You don't need to announce your reasons for walking away.

 

Why are you still allowing him access?

 

Steffi,

 

I was reading through your thread, and it strikes me how similar our exs are. My heart feels for you.

 

Lemme explain:

 

My ex moved in, spent three months living with me, and one day ghosted on a whim after 18 months together. Afterwards, I asked for for one conversation before she got her things.

 

Drama, on top of drama, on top of more drama ensued. I went away on travel for work, she broke in twice, just like yours. Brought other people with her, traipsing through my home.

 

The rest of her remaining junk went straight to the trash. Slash and burn.

 

And after all that, she still played games with me until I cut it off, months later.

 

The rest is more than detailed in my thread.

 

Point is, its like all of our exs attend the same school of majoring in immaturity, with a minor in hurting the dumpee. Whatever her reasoning was, I had explicitly told her not to bring other people to my home.

 

I let my own drama go on way, way too long. Finally a couple weeks ago I deleted my FB, and have been healing exponentially faster.

 

All this contact with him does is delay and restart your own healing process. The ambivalence and games are the playground of the insecure and immature ex. Be better than I was, and cut it off before more damage is done.

 

Please do not let this drag on. I didn't even realize how much damage she did to my ego, and its only been in the last couple weeks I can feel my sense of humor and confidence coming back.

 

Babe, my heart goes out to you, and I know how you feel.

[Steffi]

Bromeo

Sorry to hear your have endured what I have. It is a terrible feeling that someone has been in ones home when they know you will be out. It's like an invasion.

My home is my secure place or so I thought. I am still finding that things have gone missing that I hadn't realised had before, just small things but they are my things. I'm so angry.

 

We did split for a time last year and it should of stayed that way. I will not make the same mistake again.

 

I'm finding the inner strength to block him. For some reason even though I had blocked his number from my phone he could still leave voice mail but I've sorted that today. I am determined to keep to no contact.

 

Good to hear that your are keeping to no contact to. Thanks for sharing

[Redhead14]

If he shows up at your place again, you call the police and document everything. I don't understand why you didn't report him to the police before.