Boyfriend doesn't have a plan for me and my children in the event of his death

[mima74]

My man and I have been together for 4 years. We have a blended family - he has 2 kids and I have 3. We have been living together for about 3 1/2 years. We have discussed marriage and growing old together, retirement, etc. We plan on living the rest of our lives together and are basically "married" without the formal commitment.

 

We were actually planning our wedding - including looking at rings, venues, etc. - until he pulled the plug after having an argument. I was, and still am, really hurt but it is what it is. He says that marriage may still be in our future, as long as we work on our issues and relationship, which I agree with 100%. We live in his home - he owned it before we got together - and I pay him what I call "rent" for living there, which covers some bills, food an wear and tear on the property. I have no legal rights to anything. I purchased a car when mine died and he was kind enough to let me use his credit since mine was shot due to an ugly divorce years ago.

 

The car is in his name and I pay for it monthly and the insurance. One day, I asked him in the event of his death, how much time I would have to vacate his home. He said that his mom - who would end up with the house - wouldn't kick me out or anything like that and I would have some time to get out. As time went on, I was talking to my therapist about this stuff since I have major anxiety about what would happen to me and my kids. She mentioned that she thought it was weird that he wouldn't provide for me financially in the event of his death.

 

I explained that we weren't married, but she said that it was still weird and that I should consider talking to him about it. I was very nervous because he makes 5 times the amount I do and to him, money is a very important and touchy subject. But I did muster up the courage to talk about it and asked. He was surprised that I brought it up and said that he had no plan for me and the kids. Essentially, if he died we would be homeless and destitute. Although I expected this answer, it was still very hurtful to know that the man I have committed my life to, even without marriage, never considered to have a plan for me. I am and wouldn't be entitled to anything. Since I make a fraction of what he makes, he doesn't consider us "equals" in the relationship. He doesn't consider my contributions as his life partner to be the same value as the money I/we bring into the relationship. We both take care of each other's children and I play the role of the dutiful wife.

 

He was married before and his ex-wife made about the same amount of money as him and since they were actually married, it makes sense that he would have her in his will, etc. I expressed my sadness and disappointment and he asked me in sort of a snarky way "If the tables were turned, would you do that for me?" and without hesitation I said that absolutely, I would. He asked if "this was about money", which kind of made it sound like he thought I was a gold digger and that was really offensive.

 

I don't care about getting all his money but as his life partner, I thought at least he would have given some thought about what would happen to me and the kids if he died. This has really made me question what kind of relationship I have with him and has saddened me a lot. I am so worried and depressed and constantly think about what I'm going to do if something were to happen. Do you think that it's normal for a couple who is unmarried, but is building a life and future together (supposedly) to not have a financial plan in the event of one's death?

 

I would really like some feedback, advice and suggestions on what to do. Thanks for reading.

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sadly, it doesn't sound like you are on the same page regarding your relationship. As painful as this realization is, it is also a wake up call that you need to start planning for your own future and not leaving it to chance.

 

It is easy for him to leave things as they are because he has nothing to lose if it doesn't work out. On the other hand, you have no security in your situation so you have to start thinking more independently, even if that means finding your own home.

 

Considering his words and actions, I don't think you have much choice.

[basil67]

It worries me that you're putting your future well being in his hands. And I would argue that your future is more your responsibility than his.

 

Forget about him dying and think about if the relationship ended. Would you become homeless and destitute? If so, I suggest you make some changes so that you can support yourself and your children. Oh, and don't forget that taking out life insurance on him is always an option.

 

I'm also confused about his ex wife being in his will. Did they not come to a settlement when they divorced? It would make sense him leaving his assets to his children (with his mother as power of attorney), but leaving things to his ex wife is very strange.

 

Lastly, why are you so nervous to speak of money with him? Does he intimidate or frighten you if he doesn't agree with you? To be honest, if a large part of your therapy involves discussing your relationship - then this is a relationship you'd be best off leaving behind.

[BluEyeL]

Like other posters said, at least you know where you stand: he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't care about your future. So you are on your own. The solution is to start making steps to increase your earning power and when you can afford it, break up with him and find someone else. It may take a few years, but I don't think this relationship will last forever and taking action now is best for you and the kids.

[stillafool]

It is pretty much up to you and your children's father to make sure they are financially provided for until they are adults. I imagine your bf and his ex are going to have to pay for college for his 2 kids and his mom gets the house. I don't know how old your kids are but if they are school age you should try to go back to school so you can have a career that pays well. Are your kids father helping you financially?

[normal person]

I can understand your frustration. I'm by no means an expert but here are my initial observations:

 

He was surprised that I brought it up and said that he had no plan for me and the kids. Essentially, if he died we would be homeless and destitute.

 

You "committed your life" to him 4 years ago and brought along three other mouths to feed. Providing for one child takes a lifetime of work and sacrifice. He has two kids of his own, and, quite understandably, probably wants to make sure they're taken care of before yours. If I was one of his kids I wouldn't too happy if my dad had saved and planned to split everything two ways, and all of sudden it's getting split 6 ways because his girlfriend didn't bother to plan as diligently.

 

Although I expected this answer, it was still very hurtful to know that the man I have committed my life to, even without marriage, never considered to have a plan for me.

 

Serious question: why haven't you planned for yourself? Why is he at fault for not planning for you when you haven't even planned for you?

 

never considered to have a plan for me.

 

So was your plan for yourself just to be dependent on him? What about your ex husband? Why doesn't he provide for his children? Why is it solely your boyfriend's responsibility and not your ex-husbands and/or yours? I don't understand the hypocrisy here.

 

Since I make a fraction of what he makes, he doesn't consider us "equals" in the relationship. He doesn't consider my contributions as his life partner to be the same value as the money I/we bring into the relationship. We both take care of each other's children and I play the role of the dutiful wife.

 

Calling yourself a "life partner" after you've already been married previously and had 3 kids with someone else is a bit much. I understand your frustration but I can also understand your boyfriend's reluctance. I doubt your life plans were to marry other people first, have kids, get divorced, and then try again with someone else who also wasn't expecting it. You can see how expecting his house and money after simply stepping into the role of "dutiful wife" is sort of expecting more than you bring to the table.

 

I expressed my sadness and disappointment and he asked me in sort of a snarky way "If the tables were turned, would you do that for me?" and without hesitation I said that absolutely, I would.

 

That's very easy for you to say because the tables never realistically would be turned. It's totally hypothetical. Not to mention, you haven't ensured the security of yourself and your kids now on your volition, and your plan is to rely on his house and money -- saying that if the tables were turned you'd so quickly give it all to his kids just doesn't add up to me. You currently haven't taken the steps to provide for your own or yourself, how can you even begin to say you'd provide for his?

 

Think about this: let's say the tables were turned, and you were the one making all the money, you planned well, you worked hard to get your high paying job, you realized having 3 kids will cost you a fortune so you only have 2, you live frugally and want to provide for them, but you get divorced from the person you built your life with. Then, you decide to enter a relationship with a guy who makes a fraction of what you do, but for some reason has even more kids and his plan to take care of them is to rely solely on you. Then he dies. Granted, you're adults and are hopefully aware of the implications of getting into relationships and the complications thereof. I don't think you're expecting anyone to die suddenly. But if that were the case under those circumstances, you probably wouldn't feel so great about the situation you inherited. Maybe that's why you were hesitant to marry this person.

 

Realistically, you want his money and house to provide and protect for you and your kids after his death -- what do he and his kids get in the event that you die? Well for one, they won't have to split their money with you and your kids, so more for them. And if he wants, he can be with someone who won't expect him to give away his kid's nest egg. I know it's hard to hear, but you need to consider things from his perspective. Maybe there's a reason he's being so hesitant about all this.

 

 

He asked if "this was about money", which kind of made it sound like he thought I was a gold digger and that was really offensive. I don't care about getting all his money but as his life partner, I thought at least he would have given some thought about what would happen to me and the kids if he died. This has really made me question what kind of relationship I have with him and has saddened me a lot.

 

So you say you don't care about the money, you're just offended, but...

 

I am so worried and depressed and constantly think about what I'm going to do if something were to happen.

 

...this makes it sound like you're actually worried about the money and simply want to avoid seeming like a gold digger while you write this. The thing is, this is not a binary issue. You can be offended that he doesn't have a plan for you and still want the money too, as I suspect is the case. That's understandable. But it's better to forthright if you really want to solve this problem. If he had planned to leave his kids his house and money, and he left you and your kids of incredible sentimental value, would you still be "offended?" I imagine you would. So if you're that worried about the money, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to be honest with him about it.

 

Do you think that it's normal for a couple who is unmarried, but is building a life and future together (supposedly) to not have a financial plan in the event of one's death? I would really like some feedback, advice and suggestions on what to do. Thanks for reading.

 

Look, I can understand your frustration. But saying you're "building a life together" is sort of a broad stroke. My guess is that you were "building a life together" with your first spouses too, you both had kids, invested a lot of time, resources, blood, sweat, and tears into it, and thought that would be your life. It didn't work out. The "building" phase of your lives is basically over, and it was with other people, for the benefit of your own children. Your current relationship isn't so much one of "building," it's more one of comfort, convenience, and luxury. The luxury of having a person of the opposite sex there even though he's already had his wife and kids. The convenience of having him to pay bills and him having you handle some of the responsibilities. Your lives were "built" previously, this is just a different building you both moved into. It's very convenient for you to now say "I'm building my life with you now," and suddenly present him with all sorts of complicated obligations, because it doesn't seem as this man thinks of it as "building his life" with you. It sounds like it translates to "you and your kids need him for your survival, but he doesn't necessarily need you" and you're understandably anxious about it.

 

While I'm sure it's an unfavorable opinion, I don't think your boyfriend is that far wrong. He wants to make sure his own kids are provided for, and for him, this relationship seems more like one of convenience than one of necessity (I could be completely off here, so correct me if I'm wrong). If I were him, I'd be telling myself that I worked hard my whole life to house and feed my own children and to leave them with my house and money, not 4 other people who came into the picture 15 years later -- who conveniently didn't take the time or precaution to get their own home or money -- and suddenly are so "offended" that they can't have mine. That seems pretty ridiculous and I can empathize with your boyfriend.

 

Maybe I'm biased. My parents lived below their means, spent their years planning carefully, living frugally, and making endless sacrifices for me and my brother. All that sacrifice and planning manifested itself into quite a bit of money ~25 years later. They built a life together successfully for themselves and their children. After my mom died, my dad was lonely and bored and decided to date. He met a woman who was very eager to insert herself into his life, my 65 year old dad became enamored, and proposed to her. I doubt the expectation for them was to "build a life together," they were both retired and done building careers, and my dad done raising kids. There was little life left to "build" and "develop," it was a relationship predicated on having someone to talk to spend remaining days with. So a few days after the proposal, my dad had a prenuptial agreement drawn up, and to his new finance's horror, it stated that in the event of his death, he wouldn't leave her his money, just use of (not ownership of) the house. She then decided the relationship wasn't working out and left him. I wonder if she would've been in that position, or as subsequently offended, if she didn't think she could live comfortably off my dad's money after he died.

 

I'm sure you can draw some slight comparisons here. I'm not saying you don't love your boyfriend or that he doesn't love you, or that you aren't a great step mom or caretaker. But saying that you're "building a life together" when that entails you and your kids largely benefitting at the expense of his kids is cause for concern for him, and that I largely understand. Your lives are basically "built" already. It's not his (or his kids) fault that he's more prepared than you are. Why aren't your kids provided for already? Why isn't your childrens' father providing for them? Why are you suddenly saddling your boyfriend, who had no say in their creation or lack of provision, with the obligation to provide for you and them at the expense of his own after his death?

 

If this is really about you being just "offended," then you should just leave the guy and move on with your life. You aren't married, and maybe this is part of the reason. Perhaps he can't fully commit to someone whose sole plan this late in her life is to be totally reliant on someone else. If it's about money as well, I think you should be a little more understanding. If money is such a concern, you should get some yourself and/or from your children's father -- it's his responsibility to pay for the kids he brought into this world (yours too, to be honest), it's not your boyfriend's. Your lives have been built before you met each other. I'm guessing he's with you out of convenience and luxury because it's nice to have someone around -- he has his kids provided for already -- you're with him out of love I'm sure, but also necessity. You need his money to survive. If he didn't have yours or the lack thereof, he'd still survive, I'm imagining. I could be wrong.

 

Keep that in mind when you consider things from his perspective. I'm sorry, I know it's a confusing situation and I'm not trying to be harsh but I hope you can consider a nuanced view on this. If you consider his position in all this you might be able to come to some sort of a compromise. What I would do is carefully consider and have a very frank discussion about marriage and the implications thereof. Be realistic. He's providing a lot of value to your lives, but you aren't married yet. I'm being totally harsh yet realistic here, but think about how his death would benefit your kids and detract from the well being of his own if you had things your way. But if you died, his kids wouldn't have to lose a large portion of everything their father worked for. Those are extremes of course -- you bring a lot to the table by handling a lot of responsibilities that have value of their own. You and your husband need to consider the value of those things, whether or not you'd continue to raise his kids if he died, etc. It's a complicated issue of course, but you've got to realize that on the most practical level, you're expecting more than you're providing. It's up to you both to see if that's a situation he, and you, are ultimately comfortable with. It's something you really need to hash out before marriage.

[mima74]

It worries me that you're putting your future well being in his hands. And I would argue that your future is more your responsibility than his.

 

Forget about him dying and think about if the relationship ended. Would you become homeless and destitute? If so, I suggest you make some changes so that you can support yourself and your children. Oh, and don't forget that taking out life insurance on him is always an option.

 

I'm also confused about his ex wife being in his will. Did they not come to a settlement when they divorced? It would make sense him leaving his assets to his children (with his mother as power of attorney), but leaving things to his ex wife is very strange.

 

Lastly, why are you so nervous to speak of money with him? Does he intimidate or frighten you if he doesn't agree with you? To be honest, if a large part of your therapy involves discussing your relationship - then this is a relationship you'd be best off leaving behind.

 

Thanks for the advice. I didn't even consider taking a life insurance policy on him. Would that sound weird though? I wonder if many unmarried people do that. It's an interesting option.

 

I also realize that my post about the ex was confusing. She isn't in his will now, but she was obviously when they were together. I meant that since they were married, it made sense that she was on it and that he planned for her future. That piece of paper changes a lot!

 

I am always nervous to talk to him about money or anything super serious for that matter. He gets very defensive and isn't a fan of communicating about deeper things in our relationship. And yes, our couples therapy was always about the kids, blending our family and relationship problems. But isn't these major reasons why people go to couples counseling in the first place. If couples were happy and had no problems, I don't know why they would see a therapist.

[mima74]

It is pretty much up to you and your children's father to make sure they are financially provided for until they are adults. I imagine your bf and his ex are going to have to pay for college for his 2 kids and his mom gets the house. I don't know how old your kids are but if they are school age you should try to go back to school so you can have a career that pays well. Are your kids father helping you financially?

 

Yes, my ex helps me with the kids financially but not by much.

[preraph]

Have you made a plan for him and his and your kids in the event of your death? I also suggest you start working and socking money away or buy a life insurance policy on yourself.

[mima74]

Like other posters said, at least you know where you stand: he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't care about your future. So you are on your own. The solution is to start making steps to increase your earning power and when you can afford it, break up with him and find someone else. It may take a few years, but I don't think this relationship will last forever and taking action now is best for you and the kids.

 

Thank you for the response. Yes, I came to this same conclusion shorty after our discussion. I decided to go back to college and am currently taking 2 night classes - I know, not much but with working full time during the day and taking care of 4 kids afterwards, I don't have much time to take more. I am definitely going to keep working towards my degree so I can have a plan for our future. In the meantime, all I can do is keep working hard and hope that nothing drastic happens in the immediate future - although that's all up to chance. It's pretty much the only thing I can do unfortunately.

[mima74]

Sadly, it doesn't sound like you are on the same page regarding your relationship. As painful as this realization is, it is also a wake up call that you need to start planning for your own future and not leaving it to chance.

 

It is easy for him to leave things as they are because he has nothing to lose if it doesn't work out. On the other hand, you have no security in your situation so you have to start thinking more independently, even if that means finding your own home.

 

Considering his words and actions, I don't think you have much choice.

 

Yes, sadly I believe that you are right. I thought we were on the same page, but at least I know now and not later. I wish I would have had this conversation with him sooner but I had no reason to believe that he felt this way. Oh well, lesson learned!

[mima74]

Have you made a plan for him and his and your kids in the event of your death? I also suggest you start working and socking money away or buy a life insurance policy on yourself.

 

Thank you for your reply. We don't have children together, but I do have a plan for my own kids. I have a life insurance policy on myself. My kids will be taken care of. I have lots of bills and expenses so after paying them all off, I do have a little savings left. He has a plan for his kids. They will be well off if he passes.

[mima74]

My man and I have been together for 4 years. We have a blended family - he has 2 kids and I have 3. We have been living together for about 3 1/2 years. We have discussed marriage and growing old together, retirement, etc. We plan on living the rest of our lives together and are basically "married" without the formal commitment. We were actually planning our wedding - including looking at rings, venues, etc. - until he pulled the plug after having an argument. I was, and still am, really hurt but it is what it is. He says that marriage may still be in our future, as long as we work on our issues and relationship, which I agree with 100%. We live in his home - he owned it before we got together - and I pay him what I call "rent" for living there, which covers some bills, food an wear and tear on the property. I have no legal rights to anything. I purchased a car when mine died and he was kind enough to let me use his credit since mine was shot due to an ugly divorce years ago. The car is in his name and I pay for it monthly and the insurance. One day, I asked him in the event of his death, how much time I would have to vacate his home. He said that his mom - who would end up with the house - wouldn't kick me out or anything like that and I would have some time to get out. As time went on, I was talking to my therapist about this stuff since I have major anxiety about what would happen to me and my kids. She mentioned that she thought it was weird that he wouldn't provide for me financially in the event of his death. I explained that we weren't married, but she said that it was still weird and that I should consider talking to him about it. I was very nervous because he makes 5 times the amount I do and to him, money is a very important and touchy subject. But I did muster up the courage to talk about it and asked. He was surprised that I brought it up and said that he had no plan for me and the kids. Essentially, if he died we would be homeless and destitute. Although I expected this answer, it was still very hurtful to know that the man I have committed my life to, even without marriage, never considered to have a plan for me. I am and wouldn't be entitled to anything. Since I make a fraction of what he makes, he doesn't consider us "equals" in the relationship. He doesn't consider my contributions as his life partner to be the same value as the money I/we bring into the relationship. We both take care of each other's children and I play the role of the dutiful wife. He was married before and his ex-wife made about the same amount of money as him and since they were actually married, it makes sense that he would have her in his will, etc. I expressed my sadness and disappointment and he asked me in sort of a snarky way "If the tables were turned, would you do that for me?" and without hesitation I said that absolutely, I would. He asked if "this was about money", which kind of made it sound like he thought I was a gold digger and that was really offensive. I don't care about getting all his money but as his life partner, I thought at least he would have given some thought about what would happen to me and the kids if he died. This has really made me question what kind of relationship I have with him and has saddened me a lot. I am so worried and depressed and constantly think about what I'm going to do if something were to happen. Do you think that it's normal for a couple who is unmarried, but is building a life and future together (supposedly) to not have a financial plan in the event of one's death? I would really like some feedback, advice and suggestions on what to do. Thanks for reading.

 

 

I would also like to add that I recently got a promotion at my work and got a $2 raise. I'm making $14/hr and he makes about $130K a year. So, although I don't have a plan for him in the event of my death, he doesn't really need it. His net worth is over $1M and he would be just fine. But like I said, if the tables were turned, I would definitely make sure that his future would be secure. But again, I think of our relationship differently I guess. For all intents and purposes, he is my life partner and I would want him to be secure, at least for a little while, without me. I was just so surprised that we have been together all these years and he doesn't regard me in the same way. But I think that it all boils down to money. It seems that since I make just a fraction of what he makes, the equality in our relationship is just not there in his eyes. I try to make it up and show that I do make significant contributions to our "family" and household by doing ALL the housework and cooking, etc. But I don't think that's enough. So many married couples have one spouse who makes more and one less. Or even stay at home wives/husbands and since it's a partnership, the people are equal. Sadly, it doesn't seem this way in our relationship which makes me sad. Initially, I was supposed to pay him $1300/mo for "rent" but I lost my job and got really ill shortly after we moved in, and could just pay $650/mo. Now that I have my current job, I bumped it up to $800/mo. Now that I have my raise, I was going to bump it up to $1K/mo to show that I am willing to contribute more financially. But I think after all this, I am not going to give him another red cent. I have to save all I can so that I'm okay with my kids.

[Popsicle]

Marriage solves all these problems.

[whichwayisup]

So his ex wife is in his Will but you're not, as his life partner? You should have a problem with that. Are they officially divorced? If so, then there's no reason why you two can't get married and at best he put you in his Will.

 

Maybe it's time to really think if this is the right man for you. Money is an issue on his end so it seems and he's loaded! (sounds like the type who doesn't like to give or realize you make less yet he expects you to pay a lot too, as well as looking after ALL the kids and the house).

[BC1980]

You are definitely not on the same page. You pay him rent to live in his house, which is more like a roommate. I question his motives since he won't marry you. From the outside, it honestly sounds like he is using you somewhat. You play the role of wife with no commmitment from him. But then again, you need him it seems. He had to get you the car, and tou admit you'd be destitute without him. It almost sounds like you rely on each other, but he has the upper hand.

[whichwayisup]

If something does happen to him and you're not in his Will, his ex, and his mom could kick you out the house and not give you a cent of his money. That includes if he has any siblings, they could get involved too.

 

I agree with everything BC has said.

[mima74]

Marriage solves all these problems.

 

I doubt it. I assume this is sarcasm. Thanks for the comment.

[mima74]

You are definitely not on the same page. You pay him rent to live in his house, which is more like a roommate. I question his motives since he won't marry you. From the outside, it honestly sounds like he is using you somewhat. You play the role of wife with no commmitment from him. But then again, you need him it seems. He had to get you the car, and tou admit you'd be destitute without him. It almost sounds like you rely on each other, but he has the upper hand.

 

I came into this relationship with the understanding that we were going to be partners in everything. I didn't take money into consideration, nor did I enter this relationship for the money. I fell in love. When he offered to finance my car, I asked him if he was sure because he would be on the hook if anything were to happen. He said that he wasn't worried since "we weren't going anywhere". To me, that means we are in it for the long haul. I thought it was a give and take relationship. I do everything to show my commitment. That's just the person I am. Honestly, I don't know what he needs me for. He has everything he could ever want or need. If he doesn't love/need me, then why does he keep me here? I often wonder. But yes, he certainly does have the upper hand.

[mima74]

If something does happen to him and you're not in his Will, his ex, and his mom could kick you out the house and not give you a cent of his money. That includes if he has any siblings, they could get involved too.

 

I agree with everything BC has said.

 

Thank you!

[mima74]

So his ex wife is in his Will but you're not, as his life partner? You should have a problem with that. Are they officially divorced? If so, then there's no reason why you two can't get married and at best he put you in his Will.

 

Maybe it's time to really think if this is the right man for you. Money is an issue on his end so it seems and he's loaded! (sounds like the type who doesn't like to give or realize you make less yet he expects you to pay a lot too, as well as looking after ALL the kids and the house).

 

His ex is not on his current will - just the one he had when they were together. Sorry that was confusing! I know that he loves me (in his own way) but our relationship is strange and we don't see it the same way.

[basil67]

Thanks for the advice. I didn't even consider taking a life insurance policy on him. Would that sound weird though? I wonder if many unmarried people do that. It's an interesting option.

 

I also realize that my post about the ex was confusing. She isn't in his will now, but she was obviously when they were together. I meant that since they were married, it made sense that she was on it and that he planned for her future. That piece of paper changes a lot!

 

I am always nervous to talk to him about money or anything super serious for that matter. He gets very defensive and isn't a fan of communicating about deeper things in our relationship. And yes, our couples therapy was always about the kids, blending our family and relationship problems. But isn't these major reasons why people go to couples counseling in the first place. If couples were happy and had no problems, I don't know why they would see a therapist.

 

Re life insurance: I have been with my partner unmarried for 25 years. I have not done significant work in the past 20 years because I'm a full time carer for our disabled son. As I am now virtually unemployable and my caring duties will not go away, I have life insurance on my partner. So from where I sit, it's not unusual.

 

When I mentioned therapy, I was assuming you were doing individual therapy because the therapist suggested you speak to him about the financial issues. I was just worried that you're in therapy partly because of ongoing issues with your partner.

 

I could be wrong here, but I get the feeling that your partner is running this show and pays little attention to what you need. Do you feel that he respects your opinions and helps make sure your needs are met?

 

I noted that you're working full time, studying and caring for all four children. Is he an active father to the kids? Does he help you with domestic work? Cooking, cleaning etc?

[VeveCakes]

Your partner makes over $100k and makes you pay rent when you have three kids and make $14 an hr? This is not love.

 

FYI you can get a mortgage for $800 a month.

 

Are there laws where you are regarding Common Law status? In Canada after three years living together you get almost the same rights as being married.

[mima74]

Re life insurance: I have been with my partner unmarried for 25 years. I have not done significant work in the past 20 years because I'm a full time carer for our disabled son. As I am now virtually unemployable and my caring duties will not go away, I have life insurance on my partner. So from where I sit, it's not unusual.

 

When I mentioned therapy, I was assuming you were doing individual therapy because the therapist suggested you speak to him about the financial issues. I was just worried that you're in therapy partly because of ongoing issues with your partner.

 

I could be wrong here, but I get the feeling that your partner is running this show and pays little attention to what you need. Do you feel that he respects your opinions and helps make sure your needs are met?

 

I noted that you're working full time, studying and caring for all four children. Is he an active father to the kids? Does he help you with domestic work? Cooking, cleaning etc?

 

Ok, I'm glad to hear that doing so wouldn't be so unusual. To be clear, I just want to make sure my kids and I aren't homeless if something were to happen to him. I don't care about all his $. Just as long as I have a little to possibly put a deposit on an apartment so we could move. So tops, maybe $1,500. I just want to make sure people don't get the wrong impression when I say "a plan for me and my kids". I have been homeless before. If I didn't have my kids, it wouldn't be a big deal. I could live out of my car. I just don't want the kids to suffer.

 

Yes, I was in therapy mainly because of child abuse I went through. I am still living with the trauma so I see someone to work on myself. I am not ashamed of it. I do it for me and my children. I suppose you can say that my partner runs the show. As far as respecting my opinions, I am not so sure how to answer that. Opinions about what? We talk about politics and life in general. I feel those opinions are respected. He is an active father - his kids spent half the week here and half with their mom. On occasion, he will help with stuff around the house, but he does work a lot - from the office and at home and he has a really tough job. But to help "pull my weight" since I don't bring in that much $, I pick up the slack with all the housework and cooking. I suppose it doesn't equate to a bunch of money, but I thought it should at least count for something.

[Arieswoman]

Basically he's using you as a sexual housekeeper. The fact that you pay towards the bills is a bonus.

 

Remember the old adage "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

Anyway, to get back to your original question, I agree with others.

 

Start making your own plans for provision for you and the kids in the event of a bereavement/tragedy/financial problem etc.. This should be something you should discuss with their father. It's not the responsibility of this 2nd guy unless he chooses to adopt them.

 

If this guy has called off the wedding (and you haven't said why he did) I would ask why you are still there, after this proverbial "slap across the face"?

He thinks you are good enough to sleep in his bed, cook his meals, mind the kids, put money into the kitty but not good enough to marry?

 

IMO he's controlling and manipulative and you should be making plans to disentangle yourself

Save

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote of deleted post ~T