Boyfriend doesn't have a plan for me and my children in the event of his death

[mima74]

Your boyfriend was ready for marriage... something happen. Something turned him off.

 

What was the argument?

 

He had made a promise to my daughter about getting her own room and reneged on it. Long story, but it was quite upsetting.

[Whodatdog]

A slight change in the boyfriends investment in the relationship is all it would take to change the dynamic. If he were a true boyfriend, and had the OP move in because he loved her, then there is little doubt he would be more involved in the relationship, and care about the OP and her kids, which he would consider his "family".

 

The problem here is that he doesnt. Im not sure how you can even consider him a boyfriend, maybe only in the vaguest sense. He's a roommate, with benefits. Roommates dont concern themselves with their roommates future financials. They care about the here and now. Which is what he's concerned with.

 

The OP, on the other hand, is invested in this as a relationship, as having a future with this man. I think she is thinking there is more there than there is, on his part.

 

Hopefully the OP has realized the writing is on the wall, and is looking out now for herself and her kids.

[Els]

She's not actually paying rent. Rent is just the term she uses to describe the money she gives him every month.

 

Perhaps the OP can clarify this. Is $800 the full extent of her contributions to the household, meaning she pays for NOTHING other than that? Or does she still need to pay for food, toiletries, household items, bills, etc above and beyond that? If the former, why does she have zero savings despite having a full-time job that pays $14/hr? And, uh, why call it "rent"?

 

My interpretation of that sentence was that she pays him rent and he uses it to cover HIS share of food and other expenses.

[mima74]

A slight change in the boyfriends investment in the relationship is all it would take to change the dynamic. If he were a true boyfriend, and had the OP move in because he loved her, then there is little doubt he would be more involved in the relationship, and care about the OP and her kids, which he would consider his "family".

 

The problem here is that he doesnt. Im not sure how you can even consider him a boyfriend, maybe only in the vaguest sense. He's a roommate, with benefits. Roommates dont concern themselves with their roommates future financials. They care about the here and now. Which is what he's concerned with.

 

The OP, on the other hand, is invested in this as a relationship, as having a future with this man. I think she is thinking there is more there than there is, on his part.

 

Hopefully the OP has realized the writing is on the wall, and is looking out now for herself and her kids.

 

Yes you have nailed it right on the head. Thank you for the insight. I already started the ball rolling - going to school, got a little raise at my job, putting away in savings. Thank you for all the feedback and comments.

[mima74]

Perhaps the OP can clarify this. Is $800 the full extent of her contributions to the household, meaning she pays for NOTHING other than that? Or does she still need to pay for food, toiletries, household items, bills, etc above and beyond that? If the former, why does she have zero savings despite having a full-time job that pays $14/hr? And, uh, why call it "rent"?

 

My interpretation of that sentence was that she pays him rent and he uses it to cover HIS share of food and other expenses.

 

Thanks for your question. The $800 i pay encompasses the food for me and my three kids, what he calls "wear and tear" to his property/furniture/appliances, and all utilities. I pay for my own toiletries, ALL of my children's expenses (school lunches, clothes, extra curricular, etc.), gas, insurance, car payment and tuition/books. So, after everything is paid, including all the above and some other bills, I have a couple of hundred bucks tops left over every month. I save as much of it as possible. I don't eat out for unch (eat at home) and don't buy anything for myself. It's all for the kids. Living in the Bay Area is very expensive and I do the best that I can. I JUST got my $2 raise so I hope put that into my savings as well.

[Els]

Thanks for your question. The $800 i pay encompasses the food for me and my three kids, what he calls "wear and tear" to his property/furniture/appliances, and all utilities. I pay for my own toiletries, ALL of my children's expenses (school lunches, clothes, extra curricular, etc.), gas, insurance, car payment and tuition/books. So, after everything is paid, including all the above and some other bills, I have a couple of hundred bucks tops left over every month. I save as much of it as possible. I don't eat out for unch (eat at home) and don't buy anything for myself. It's all for the kids. Living in the Bay Area is very expensive and I do the best that I can. I JUST got my $2 raise so I hope put that into my savings as well.

 

Would you be living in SF if it weren't for him? Or would you and your children have gone elsewhere?

[Gaeta]

I have to question your therapist professionalism as they should keep their personal opinion out of their seance.

 

No I don't think your BF should have a plan for you and your kids. Not for your kids certainly. As any intelligent adults living together with no marriage contract you should make an arrangement and have it notarized. An arrangement that identifies the type of a help you would need in case of separation. The person making more money in the relationship should be willing to help re-home the other in a separation. As for death than have an insurance on each other to amortize the financial blow.

 

I am also interested in hearing why he was ready for marriage and he changed his mind?

[mima74]

Would you be living in SF if it weren't for him? Or would you and your children have gone elsewhere?

 

We don't live in SF itself - we live about 30 minutes out of the city. I have lived here for almost 30 years and all my children were born here. I lived here way before I met him.

[mima74]

I have to question your therapist professionalism as they should keep their personal opinion out of their seance.

 

No I don't think your BF should have a plan for you and your kids. Not for your kids certainly. As any intelligent adults living together with no marriage contract you should make an arrangement and have it notarized. An arrangement that identifies the type of a help you would need in case of separation. The person making more money in the relationship should be willing to help re-home the other in a separation. As for death than have an insurance on each other to amortize the financial blow.

 

I am also interested in hearing why he was ready for marriage and he changed his mind?

 

Thank you. In the 4 years that we have been together we may many plans for our future including marriage, having more children, retirement etc. Many promises were made to me and my children. I have come to the conclusion that this is a pattern of behavior that he may or not realize he does. He will tell me things that seem really great and I think I can count on, but changes his mind and our plans unilaterally when he wants. It has become obvious that as most posters have said here, I can only count on myself and not what anybody says or does anymore. So, that's what I'm going to do.

 

Thank you for your comment!

[Shining One]

We don't live in SF itself - we live about 30 minutes out of the city. I have lived here for almost 30 years and all my children were born here. I lived here way before I met him.

How were you able to afford living there before moving in with him?

[mima74]

How were you able to afford living there before moving in with him?

 

My kids, their dad and I lived together.

[clia]

Thanks for your question. The $800 i pay encompasses the food for me and my three kids, what he calls "wear and tear" to his property/furniture/appliances, and all utilities. I pay for my own toiletries, ALL of my children's expenses (school lunches, clothes, extra curricular, etc.), gas, insurance, car payment and tuition/books. So, after everything is paid, including all the above and some other bills, I have a couple of hundred bucks tops left over every month. I save as much of it as possible. I don't eat out for unch (eat at home) and don't buy anything for myself. It's all for the kids. Living in the Bay Area is very expensive and I do the best that I can. I JUST got my $2 raise so I hope put that into my savings as well.

 

Honestly, $800 a month to pay for food for four people, gas, electric, water, cable, Internet, and phone sounds pretty cheap to me, especially for the Bay area. I can't see how anything is even left over for "wear and tear" on his home. It seems like she's getting a pretty good deal here.

 

I personally don't think it's that strange that he hasn't made arrangements for you and your children. The two of you are not married and have no children together. Yes, it would be nice if he did think of you, but it's very telling that he won't marry you. That should tell you everything about how he feels about the relationship. You two are not on the same page.

 

I tend to agree with some of the others that your children are your responsibility, not his. You spoke above quite dramatically about becoming homeless and out on the street if something should happen to him. Surely your ex would be able to make arrangements for his children, to prevent them from becoming homeless or living on the streets? I just don't see why their living situation is your current boyfriend's responsibility.

 

Have you expressed to him that all you want from him is $1,500? It's such a small amount in the grand scheme that I really don't see why you can't save that amount up and put it into an emergency account for yourself, so that you have it in case of the worst. I'm finding it hard to believe that is all you are after.

[mima74]

Honestly, $800 a month to pay for food for four people, gas, electric, water, cable, Internet, and phone sounds pretty cheap to me, especially for the Bay area. I can't see how anything is even left over for "wear and tear" on his home. It seems like she's getting a pretty good deal here.

 

I personally don't think it's that strange that he hasn't made arrangements for you and your children. The two of you are not married and have no children together. Yes, it would be nice if he did think of you, but it's very telling that he won't marry you. That should tell you everything about how he feels about the relationship. You two are not on the same page.

 

I tend to agree with some of the others that your children are your responsibility, not his. You spoke above quite dramatically about becoming homeless and out on the street if something should happen to him. Surely your ex would be able to make arrangements for his children, to prevent them from becoming homeless or living on the streets? I just don't see why their living situation is your current boyfriend's responsibility.

 

Have you expressed to him that all you want from him is $1,500? It's such a small amount in the grand scheme that I really don't see why you can't save that amount up and put it into an emergency account for yourself, so that you have it in case of the worst. I'm finding it hard to believe that is all you are after.

 

I have actually reiterated numerous times that I don't think my kids are his responsibility at all. I have never said that. Not even once. My ex is not in my kids' lives for the most part. My kids are not my boyfriend's obligation. Yes, I am saving up the money for myself. I have alread said that as well. Numerous times. I have also stated numerous times that I don't care about getting all the money. Thanks for the comment though.

[mima74]

I didn't mean to imply that you are with him for money. I think it might have come out that way, but I don't think that is the case. Anyway, in your situation, I think you have rightly identified the fact that if he were to die, you have no legal protection. What I mean is that you cannot financially support yourself without him. You said you would be destitute if he dies. One of the reasons to get married is to have legal protection if a spouse dies. You would inherit what he has right? That is why, as you have said, people take out life insurance policies on their spouses, especially when they have children involved.

 

The fact that he does not want to get married and does not have a provision for you and your children if he dies really signals that he does not view you as lifelong partners. He views you and your kids as separate from him. So you really are on your own, and the best advice I can give you is to try to get a better job or go back to school, so you can financially support yourself with no help. I don't think the car being in his name means as much as you think it does. He could easily break up with you, and the car would be his. It's not even your car at the end of the day. You have no legal claim on the car.

 

It pains me to read what I bolded. It's like you are trying to prove you are worthy of him. It pained me to read that since you got a raise, you wanted to give him more rent money to show your commitment. It's not supposed to be like that. You aren't supposed to be paying rent to your boyfriend in the hopes it will show him you have something to contribute to the relationship. As to what he wants from you. . . . companionship for one. People get lonely, and people crave companionship. You said you take care of his kids as well. But all of this doesn't mean he wants to be married to you and make this a proper relationship.

 

My question is: what are your long term goals for this relationship?

 

I just reread your comment. I want to thank you very much for what you wrote. It really struck a chord. Thank you for being kind when you wrote it. I'm very grateful.

[SunnySide0418]

EXACTLY. I didn't. This person doesn't know what they're talking about. The only dollar amount I mentioned was $1,500 (one thousand five hundred dollars) maximum so I can put a deposit on an apartment so my kids and I wouldn't be homeless. That's it.

 

Did you tell him that's all you'd like? I wood think he'd leave you guys a little something so you're not screwed.

[rester]

We live in his home - he owned it before we got together - and I pay him what I call "rent" for living there, which covers some bills, food an wear and tear on the property. I have no legal rights to anything.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I imagine you don't have a written rental agreement with him. I suggest at the very least taking care of the fact that you have no legal rights to anything. You've been paying "rent" but really what you are doing is contributing to HIS mortgage and equity. You will have nothing to show for this in the long run. I would stop paying this "rent" until you get some legal rights to something. You need to protect yourself because it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has any intention of helping you out in the case of your relationship dissolving.

[mima74]

Did you tell him that's all you'd like? I wood think he'd leave you guys a little something so you're not screwed.

 

Yes, I did.

[mima74]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I imagine you don't have a written rental agreement with him. I suggest at the very least taking care of the fact that you have no legal rights to anything. You've been paying "rent" but really what you are doing is contributing to HIS mortgage and equity. You will have nothing to show for this in the long run. I would stop paying this "rent" until you get some legal rights to something. You need to protect yourself because it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has any intention of helping you out in the case of your relationship dissolving.

 

Thank you so much for your constructive feedback. It is very helpful.

[Sweetfish]

A slight change in the boyfriends investment in the relationship is all it would take to change the dynamic. If he were a true boyfriend, and had the OP move in because he loved her, then there is little doubt he would be more involved in the relationship, and care about the OP and her kids, which he would consider his "family".

 

The problem here is that he doesnt. Im not sure how you can even consider him a boyfriend, maybe only in the vaguest sense. He's a roommate, with benefits. Roommates dont concern themselves with their roommates future financials. They care about the here and now. Which is what he's concerned with.

 

The OP, on the other hand, is invested in this as a relationship, as having a future with this man. I think she is thinking there is more there than there is, on his part.

 

Hopefully the OP has realized the writing is on the wall, and is looking out now for herself and her kids.

 

This is an interesting statement. I truly care for the O.P.s well being... more more information is unraveling and I suspect the OP is not perfect either. You talk about the boyfriends investment...however it seems many women do not understand the nature of man and shoot straight to how "she feels"... bypassing that men feeings are different than how a woman feels. Women forget that men too can get TURNED OFF or shut down... just like women and this is something women fail to understand.

 

Maintaining a house with many individuals in its is HARD WORK. I assume he manages all the bills, works, has to up keep the house and etc. There are many kids in the house and the pressure for him to provide will be high. (Mens mentality) He offered his credit to help you out and your in his home.. by no means should you SUBMIT to him... but to say you will not offer a cent more is kind of a slap on the face in my opinion. however.... just as a man can do things to push a woman away... it seems woman forget there are things she can do to push him away and she will be clueless as he will be too and agruments will become passive and unresolved pushing both of you away.

 

I too question the guidance and therapy your getting and it seems like its creating tension in the house... you may want to talk to someone else.

 

The argument about the room your boyfriend promised is interesting and would like if you can explain what happened.

 

 

This relationship amoung the both of you is turning more into a business transaction... "rent" and "wear and tear" its absurd.

 

If my girlfriend asked me how long does she have to leave if I died... it would turn me off.. specially if its after little arguments we have been recently having... I think your not seeing the link between what you say and how it makes him feel... but at the same time he may not respect you or he is telling you in a way you have to pull your own weight.

 

Its hard to tell... we dont know him and going by snips of information your giving us...

 

Its funny how the women posters say he needs to invest more... but the only investment here is $$ or future $$. No complaint of lack of affection or disregard of your feelings... unless your withholding this information. Thats why the advice here you have to take with a grain of salt.

 

Im glad your making the moves to have a better safety net and that is my concern as my point in this thread. Your well being and a foundation that allows you to walk out of a relation not bonded by strings

 

I hope that helps

[rester]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I imagine you don't have a written rental agreement with him. I suggest at the very least taking care of the fact that you have no legal rights to anything. You've been paying "rent" but really what you are doing is contributing to HIS mortgage and equity. You will have nothing to show for this in the long run. I would stop paying this "rent" until you get some legal rights to something. You need to protect yourself because it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has any intention of helping you out in the case of your relationship dissolving.

 

Thank you so much for your constructive feedback. It is very helpful.

 

Another thing to consider is your credit score. Is your name on any of the utility bills? Make sure your credit score is good because if you are giving away money to your boyfriend you aren't building any credit, and on top of that if **** hits the fan with your relationship your rental history may be problematic because you won't have a good reference for where you've been living the past few years. Without a rental/mortgage/utility bill history for the last few years you may be seen as essentially homeless in the eyes of future lenders or landlords.

[Sweetfish]

Another thing to consider is your credit score. Is your name on any of the utility bills? Make sure your credit score is good because if you are giving away money to your boyfriend you aren't building any credit, and on top of that if **** hits the fan with your relationship your rental history may be problematic because you won't have a good reference for where you've been living the past few years. Without a rental/mortgage/utility bill history for the last few years you may be seen as essentially homeless in the eyes of future lenders or landlords.

 

 

If she has letters coming to the house or her bills...she will in most states have rights and by law she cannot be kicked out.. she will have to be given a notice and even on some states he may have liability of her kids as they live in his household.

 

The relationship or relationships has idled her self development in my opinion... I think the OP has defaulted to what she can do best and this may be limited to "house wife" duties and this will make her feel inferior as the bread winner maybe or may appear to be a tyrant...it seems money and value is an issue in the relationship.. correct me if im wrong.

 

Im not sure how old the OP is.. I may have missed it in the thread... but as another poster said... many women get trapped into a relationship because they did not build a solid foundation for them self and have to solely rely on someone who may not be worth a dime.

 

I feel the O.P. is conflicted on what to do..a move now would put her in a more stressful situation. She loves him...but it might not be the right relationship as well and she needs space and mindful thought to make a clear decision instead of making huge decision based on posters here on LS with limit information of the whole picture. We are just proving information and view points male and female so you can come to a very logical and realistic future that supports you and your kids and your S.O. if he is in your future.

[mima74]

Another thing to consider is your credit score. Is your name on any of the utility bills? Make sure your credit score is good because if you are giving away money to your boyfriend you aren't building any credit, and on top of that if **** hits the fan with your relationship your rental history may be problematic because you won't have a good reference for where you've been living the past few years. Without a rental/mortgage/utility bill history for the last few years you may be seen as essentially homeless in the eyes of future lenders or landlords.

 

Great points! Since last year my credit score has gone up significantly which pleases me. So I am now in a position to get help if needed. I just paid off one credit card in full. So hopefully my score will just keep going up.

[JuneL]

Yes, I would definitely move from the area we are now. The kids all get along well. They're all really best buddies and consider each other siblings. Ages 6, 10, 11, and 12. My oldest is grown and out of the house.

 

Thanks for responding, OP. Who was taking care of his small kids and taking care of the housework in his household before you moved in together a few years ago?

 

I think paying $800 to cover the "room and board" expenses for you and your kids doesn't seem unreasonable. Actually you both are better off financially. You probably wouldn't be able to stay in a nice house/area without moving in with him. But the extra cost of letting you and your kids stay in his house is very small (he's paying the same mortgage plus utilities anyway); he does have to pay for extra food for the 4 of you. On the other hand, without your help, he would have to pay for a housekeeper.

 

Did you plan to continue to separate your finances to this extent when you were planning to get married?

[mima74]

This is an interesting statement. I truly care for the O.P.s well being... more more information is unraveling and I suspect the OP is not perfect either. You talk about the boyfriends investment...however it seems many women do not understand the nature of man and shoot straight to how "she feels"... bypassing that men feeings are different than how a woman feels. Women forget that men too can get TURNED OFF or shut down... just like women and this is something women fail to understand.

 

Maintaining a house with many individuals in its is HARD WORK. I assume he manages all the bills, works, has to up keep the house and etc. There are many kids in the house and the pressure for him to provide will be high. (Mens mentality) He offered his credit to help you out and your in his home.. by no means should you SUBMIT to him... but to say you will not offer a cent more is kind of a slap on the face in my opinion. however.... just as a man can do things to push a woman away... it seems woman forget there are things she can do to push him away and she will be clueless as he will be too and agruments will become passive and unresolved pushing both of you away.

 

I too question the guidance and therapy your getting and it seems like its creating tension in the house... you may want to talk to someone else.

 

The argument about the room your boyfriend promised is interesting and would like if you can explain what happened.

 

 

This relationship amoung the both of you is turning more into a business transaction... "rent" and "wear and tear" its absurd.

 

If my girlfriend asked me how long does she have to leave if I died... it would turn me off.. specially if its after little arguments we have been recently having... I think your not seeing the link between what you say and how it makes him feel... but at the same time he may not respect you or he is telling you in a way you have to pull your own weight.

 

Its hard to tell... we dont know him and going by snips of information your giving us...

 

Its funny how the women posters say he needs to invest more... but the only investment here is $$ or future $$. No complaint of lack of affection or disregard of your feelings... unless your withholding this information. Thats why the advice here you have to take with a grain of salt.

 

Im glad your making the moves to have a better safety net and that is my concern as my point in this thread. Your well being and a foundation that allows you to walk out of a relation not bonded by strings

 

I hope that helps

 

This is VERY helpful! As far as the issues you brought up ...

 

My daughter was promised that she would have her own room built for her when we moved in. HE told her that, not me. It was HIS idea because in his words "to make sure she felt like this was her home too". Years went by and there was always a reason for it not to happen. I finally asked him and he got really upset and angry which led to the implosion of all future plans.

 

Yes, maintaining a house is hard work. I feel that I do that everyday. He and I both work full time. He fixes stuff around the house if needed. I clean the house and cook for everyone. We both pick up/drop off kids from school. We both do the homework thing, etc.

 

I should have worded my post differently. I read it now and depending on who is reading it, I can see how people think it's all about money. Although it partially is for a financial safety net, it's more of the emotion behind it. Although hypothetically, the shoe would never be on the other foot, the fact is that if I consider someone my family (significant other, children, etc) I would want to make sure that they would be okay, even temporarily, if I was to be gone. The fact is that he never considered me in this way. That's a tough pill to swallow. Having a $ amount in mind, a plan, a will etc aside ... just the fact that I had not even entered his mind in this way is what was the most hurtful. It really goes back to if he really considers me "family" or not. That is what I was questioning ... whether we view this relationship differently. But, I suppose I have my answer based on all the responses I have read on this thread.

 

I am going to guess that you are a man based on what you wrote here. I hope I am right and don't offend! lol I'm not sure if I'm articulating well enough here. But as a man, do you understand where I'm coming from? What would you do? I do need a man's perspective on this.

[mima74]

Thanks for responding, OP. Who was taking care of his small kids and taking care of the housework in his household before you moved in together a few years ago?

 

I think paying $800 to cover the "room and board" expenses for you and your kids doesn't seem unreasonable. Actually you both are better off financially. You probably wouldn't be able to stay in a nice house/area without moving in with him. But the extra cost of letting you and your kids stay in his house is very small (he's paying the same mortgage plus utilities anyway); he does have to pay for extra food for the 4 of you. On the other hand, without your help, he would have to pay for a housekeeper.

 

Did you plan to continue to separate your finances to this extent when you were planning to get married?

 

Hello there. He lived alone before we met, so he did everything for his kids and the house. Yes, he is actually paying less in his mortgage because he recently refinanced. He also said the utilities are basically the same. I actually asked him to break down where my $800 goes and he said "wear and tear" on the house/appliances, food and utilities. As far as finances after marriage, he pulled the plug on all plans before we could formulate a plan.