Boyfriend doesn't have a plan for me and my children in the event of his death

[JuneL]

Hello there. He lived alone before we met, so he did everything for his kids and the house. Yes, he is actually paying less in his mortgage because he recently refinanced. He also said the utilities are basically the same. I actually asked him to break down where my $800 goes and he said "wear and tear" on the house/appliances, food and utilities. As far as finances after marriage, he pulled the plug on all plans before we could formulate a plan.

 

I think you're smart to take the helpful suggestions from different posters and start planning for your own future with your kids.

 

While there is nothing unreasonable with what your boyfriend has been doing (in terms of financial arrangement), he does come off as a stingy guy

[basil67]

Mima, do you love him? If so, what types of things does he do which make you feel loved, respected and meeting your emotional needs?

 

It's just that the guy sounds like an arse-hat and I think we need to know the other side of the story here.

[JuneL]

Mima, do you love him? If so, what types of things does he do which make you feel loved, respected and meeting your emotional needs?

 

It's just that the guy sounds like an arse-hat and I think we need to know the other side of the story here.

 

Great question! Is he a good father figure to your kids? Does he treat your kids well?

[mima74]

Mima, do you love him? If so, what types of things does he do which make you feel loved, respected and meeting your emotional needs?

 

It's just that the guy sounds like an arse-hat and I think we need to know the other side of the story here.

 

 

Yes I do love him very much. Although I feel like that love is evolving more onto a good friendship. We have lots of laughs together, enjoy spending time, share some common interests. My children ADORE him and he is very nice to them. He does tend to favor his kids and treat them better - but I guess that's for totally different thread? lol

 

I know that in his own he he does love me. He wouldn't be helping me with my kids and stuff when I go to school if he didn't I suppose. I think that all the hurt feelings have prevented me from feeling close to him anymore. Respected? Not so much. Emotional needs? Not really.

[Gaeta]

Hello there. He lived alone before we met, so he did everything for his kids and the house. Yes, he is actually paying less in his mortgage because he recently refinanced. He also said the utilities are basically the same. I actually asked him to break down where my $800 goes and he said "wear and tear" on the house/appliances, food and utilities. As far as finances after marriage, he pulled the plug on all plans before we could formulate a plan.

 

I have a problem with this 'wear and tear' money you are giving him. A house looses value much faster when it's not used to its full potential. And wear and tear of applicances? huh? A 10 year old washer will always be a 10 year old washer no matter how many times you used it.

 

Here is what I want to share with you:

 

I always told myself I would never remarry untill a couple of years ago when my ex-husband unexpectedly died at 54. When he died he had been living with a woman for 10 years and had a 9 year old together. They were not married and he had no will. When he died she was blocked out of everything. She could not even withdraw money for groceries or gas. The bank took the house and she had to leave with practically only her clothes. She was only allowed to take her daughter's bedroom set, nothing else. She was also blocked out of the funeral arrangements, she had no rights or any saying concerning his funeral, where he would be burried, etc.

 

Now you've been with this man 4 years but imagine you spend 10 years, 20 years or the next 30 years with him and after a life time with him he dies and you cannot have him burried next to you and you have NO saying what so ever about the house you spend 30 years together in, no saying on how his most personal belonging will be disposed of. His children will come in the house and strip you of everything you shared for 20-30 years with him.

 

Everything I read about this man makes me think he is lazy and he does not care deeply for you. He makes promises to you, to your kids and he never gets to them, he speaks marriage and changes his mind about it depending on the weather, and he doesn't care much about sitting down with you and make a plan in case of his death. He does not need to marry you, but he needs to recognize if he dies you will end up in the streets stuggling and a man that cares deeply about you wouldn't be able to live with the thought of it. I still think for now the solution is for you to take a life insurance on him. Of course you let him know.

 

If this relationship goes beyong 5 years than I find your current arrangement unacceptable. This man should be concern for your future, concerned with your well being, concerned with you building your own retirement plan and your own financial security. When you love someone that's what you do, you encourage them to be the best they can be.

[mima74]

I have a problem with this 'wear and tear' money you are giving him. A house looses value much faster when it's not used to its full potential. And wear and tear of applicances? huh? A 10 year old washer will always be a 10 year old washer no matter how many times you used it.

 

Here is what I want to share with you:

 

I always told myself I would never remarry untill a couple of years ago when my ex-husband unexpectedly died at 54. When he died he had been living with a woman for 10 years and had a 9 year old together. They were not married and he had no will. When he died she was blocked out of everything. She could not even withdraw money for groceries or gas. The bank took the house and she had to leave with practically only her clothes. She was only allowed to take her daughter's bedroom set, nothing else. She was also blocked out of the funeral arrangements, she had no rights or any saying concerning his funeral, where he would be burried, etc.

 

Now you've been with this man 4 years but imagine you spend 10 years, 20 years or the next 30 years with him and after a life time with him he dies and you cannot have him burried next to you and you have NO saying what so ever about the house you spend 30 years together in, no saying on how his most personal belonging will be disposed of. His children will come in the house and strip you of everything you shared for 20-30 years with him.

 

Everything I read about this man makes me think he is lazy and he does not care deeply for you. He makes promises to you, to your kids and he never gets to them, he speaks marriage and changes his mind about it depending on the weather, and he doesn't care much about sitting down with you and make a plan in case of his death. He does not need to marry you, but he needs to recognize if he dies you will end up in the streets stuggling and a man that cares deeply about you wouldn't be able to live with the thought of it. I still think for now the solution is for you to take a life insurance on him. Of course you let him know.

 

If this relationship goes beyong 5 years than I find your current arrangement unacceptable. This man should be concern for your future, concerned with your well being, concerned with you building your own retirement plan and your own financial security. When you love someone that's what you do, you encourage them to be the best they can be.

 

I really appreciate your help very much. This is exactly how I feel too.

[Els]

Uh... okay. I still don't agree with him being so incredibly stingy with $1500, and I still think he doesn't want the same things out of your relationship that you do. But I'm starting to think that there's more to the story here. Why would you consider groceries, bills and food for you and your children as "paying him rent"?? If I hadn't asked, we would all have taken you at your word - that you were literally paying him rent.

 

That points to a really strange mindset IMO. Do you describe your contributions as "rent" to him as well? I think $800 for bills, groceries and food is not an unreasonable ask, considering your location, and considering that you did not relocate there for him. I'd certainly not describe it as 'him charging you rent'.

[mima74]

Uh... okay. I still don't agree with him being so incredibly stingy with $1500, and I still think he doesn't want the same things out of your relationship that you do. But I'm starting to think that there's more to the story here. Why would you consider groceries, bills and food for you and your children as "paying him rent"?? If I hadn't asked, we would all have taken you at your word - that you were literally paying him rent.

 

That points to a really strange mindset IMO. Do you describe your contributions as "rent" to him as well? I think $800 for bills, groceries and food is not an unreasonable ask, considering your location, and considering that you did not relocate there for him. I'd certainly not describe it as 'him charging you rent'.

 

In my original post, I said that I paid him what I consider "rent". I never said he "charged me rent". That is what he and I call what I pay him because that is what I pay to live here with my kids. That is what HE and I called it from the very beginning. I never said that it was unreasonable. It covers my kids' food, ALL utilities and this "wear and tear" he describes. So essentially. He pays for his mortgage and all his other bills (credit cards, insurance, etc.) He does not pay for my car or insurance or any of my other bills, kids' stuff, etc. He asked me to move in so I did under the impression that we were going to be a "blended family". But the reason for my post is to find out essentially if he and I both actually consider this relationship a "family" and "building a life and future together" (both of our words - yes, his too) because not considering to provide a safety net for your "family" seemed strange to me. I thought that when you have a family, this is one of the things that wasn't so out of the ordinary. But from most of the posts here, I guess it really is. That's all I was trying to get at. Thanks for the comment.

[Sweetfish]

In my original post, I said that I paid him what I consider "rent". I never said he "charged me rent". That is what he and I call what I pay him because that is what I pay to live here with my kids. That is what HE and I called it from the very beginning. I never said that it was unreasonable. It covers my kids' food, ALL utilities and this "wear and tear" he describes. So essentially. He pays for his mortgage and all his other bills (credit cards, insurance, etc.) He does not pay for my car or insurance or any of my other bills, kids' stuff, etc. He asked me to move in so I did under the impression that we were going to be a "blended family". But the reason for my post is to find out essentially if he and I both actually consider this relationship a "family" and "building a life and future together" (both of our words - yes, his too) because not considering to provide a safety net for your "family" seemed strange to me. I thought that when you have a family, this is one of the things that wasn't so out of the ordinary. But from most of the posts here, I guess it really is. That's all I was trying to get at. Thanks for the comment.

 

Im reading this... I understand what your saying. I clearly see your point about blending in...

 

But from the mortgage, the bills, (homes have wear and tear) utilities, tv, internet, etc... are you saying he should pay your bills, car note, and insurance. Many relationships are different and his prior wife had a 6 figure income... so its possible she paid for her own stuff...

 

Its possible she was paying half the mortgage and utilities if they lived together and he was only expects a fraction from you... he offered his credit for you... which is a big thing.. building a room is a big project (is this an addition) and maybe he shouldn't have made such a promise?

 

You are now in his life and he is probably normailzed to his partner from before being fiscally secure. You are not.

 

It appears as the relationship progresses you are "raising the bar" or asking for more... but all these mores are money related and they are pushing him away. Again you never said he was a dead beat, lazy, not loving or anything. You still have not express this... you have not expressed being bare foot in a kitchen washing dishes and cooking hot meals day in and day out.

 

Its seems the only concern in this post is a security blanket... and that a family should have a blanket that protects everyone... it seems like you do get a lot and when you get it.. you slightly raise the bar. My question for you is does he ask you for much? Do you feel like your being used?

 

when you talking about combining two families I feel it can be different in my opinion. I think after someone has been thru a divorce its different.

 

I personally think he has not full vested because any guy who has been thru a divorce will protect his assets... specially at $1 mil and make sure at the end of the day he has his own security blanket.... while at the mean time your worried about you and your kids blanket.

 

Just the fact that you assume he would die first... would turn me off.. asking for your eviction rules before my death was in poor taste.. is he ill or 85 years old? I do feel there is more to this...

Edited March 22, 2017 by Sweetfish

[mima74]

Im reading this... I understand what your saying. I clearly see your point about blending in...

 

But from the mortgage, the bills, (homes have wear and tear) utilities, tv, internet, etc... are you saying he should pay your bills, car note, and insurance. Many relationships are different and his prior wife had a 6 figure income... so its possible she paid for her own stuff...

 

Its possible she was paying half the mortgage and utilities if they lived together and he was only expects a fraction from you... he offered his credit for you... which is a big thing.. building a room is a big project (is this an addition) and maybe he shouldn't have made such a promise?

 

You are now in his life and he is probably normailzed to his partner from before being fiscally secure. You are not.

 

It appears as the relationship progresses you are "raising the bar" or asking for more... but all these mores are money related and they are pushing him away. Again you never said he was a dead beat, lazy, not loving or anything. You still have not express this... you have not expressed being bare foot in a kitchen washing dishes and cooking hot meals day in and day out.

 

Its seems the only concern in this post is a security blanket... and that a family should have a blanket that protects everyone... it seems like you do get a lot and when you get it.. you slightly raise the bar. My question for you is does he ask you for much? Do you feel like your being used?

 

when you talking about combining two families I feel it can be different in my opinion. I think after someone has been thru a divorce its different.

 

I personally think he has not full vested because any guy who has been thru a divorce will protect his assets... specially at $1 mil and make sure at the end of the day he has his own security blanket.... while at the mean time your worried about you and your kids blanket.

 

Just the fact that you assume he would die first... would turn me off.. asking for your eviction rules before my death was in poor taste.. is he ill or 85 years old? I do feel there is more to this...

 

I think it's a responsible thing for me to know if there is plan in place. I guess I wonder why that's not okay. Especially since I was under the impression that we were a family. Isn't that what families do? Look out for each other? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong about this whole family thing. Like I said, I would like to think that since I'm in his life, that he himself would be concerned about what would happen to me and the kids. That's all I'm saying.

[Sweetfish]

Isn't that what families do? Look out for each other?

 

Yes... that is what suppose to happen.