Boyfriend doesn't have a plan for me and my children in the event of his death

[Sweetfish]

Look at it from a his perspective and a perspective after going thru a divorce. he has a net worth of 1 million dollars and makes 130k a year. If he gets into a marriage you two will be considered a unit and he will be solely responsible for your 3 children thru child support until they are 21 if they go to college. If you were to leave you will have access to 50% of net worth and alimony. He will be required by law to pay child support to your 3 kids...half of his assets will go to you and he will have to pay you alimony.

 

I think any logical man with a million dollar net worth would think about this specially if he in in finances or money.

 

So my question is.... does he takes his mother off the will and put you on it? What happens to his mother?

 

My next question is if you were married and divorced... would you exercise the ability to acquire child support even though he is not the biological father.. I suspect no as you are concern about your children upon his death and I don't think you realize how offense that may have felt to him...

 

Essentially, if he died we would be homeless and destitute.

 

I have major anxiety about what would happen to me and my kids.

 

I suggest you make the proper movements to ensure you the mother of your kids start taking the motions to not rely on anyone else to support your kids in any event. Do you have your own retirement plan.. are you working on your debt and doing a credit repair? Have you applied for a unsecured card to fix your credit issues.

 

Suze Orman is someone you want to look up.. on youtube and she has books as well if your interested in investing for the future.

 

it was still very hurtful to know that the man I have committed my life to

 

Do not commit your life to anyone... you are your own person and your suppose to enjoy your life with the other person... not submit to them. If you feel that this person is not on the same page as you... maybe he is not the person for you.

[mima74]

mima,

 

Basically he's using you as a sexual housekeeper. The fact that you pay towards the bills is a bonus.

 

Remember the old adage "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

Anyway, to get back to your original question, I agree with others.

 

Start making your own plans for provision for you and the kids in the event of a bereavement/tragedy/financial problem etc.. This should be something you should discuss with their father. It's not the responsibility of this 2nd guy unless he chooses to adopt them.

 

If this guy has called off the wedding (and you haven't said why he did) I would ask why you are still there, after this proverbial "slap across the face"?

He thinks you are good enough to sleep in his bed, cook his meals, mind the kids, put money into the kitty but not good enough to marry?

 

IMO he's controlling and manipulative and you should be making plans to disentangle yourself That's all.

I never said my kids are his responsibility. I am just shocked to know that for someone who is supposed to be his "life partner", he hasn't thought about what would happen to us in the event of his passing. I'm just speaking solely to us being homeless. I think I have been misunderstood.

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[mima74]

Look at it from a his perspective and a perspective after going thru a divorce. he has a net worth of 1 million dollars and makes 130k a year. If he gets into a marriage you two will be considered a unit and he will be solely responsible for your 3 children thru child support until they are 21 if they go to college. If you were to leave you will have access to 50% of net worth and alimony. He will be required by law to pay child support to your 3 kids...half of his assets will go to you and he will have to pay you alimony.

 

I think any logical man with a million dollar net worth would think about this specially if he in in finances or money.

 

So my question is.... does he takes his mother off the will and put you on it? What happens to his mother?

 

My next question is if you were married and divorced... would you exercise the ability to acquire child support even though he is not the biological father.. I suspect no as you are concern about your children upon his death and I don't think you realize how offense that may have felt to him...

 

 

 

 

 

I suggest you make the proper movements to ensure you the mother of your kids start taking the motions to not rely on anyone else to support your kids in any event. Do you have your own retirement plan.. are you working on your debt and doing a credit repair? Have you applied for a unsecured card to fix your credit issues.

 

Suze Orman is someone you want to look up.. on youtube and she has books as well if your interested in investing for the future.

 

 

 

Do not commit your life to anyone... you are your own person and your suppose to enjoy your life with the other person... not submit to them. If you feel that this person is not on the same page as you... maybe he is not the person for you.

 

I think I have been gravely misunderstood. I never meant that he would be responsible for my children. He is not on the hook to me for child support as he is not the father of my kids. He has his own kids to support and he is paying their mother that. I just was hoping there would be a safety net for us if he dies so we aren't out on the street. Meaning enough for a deposit perhaps on an apartment. Yes, I work. Yes, I have a retirement plan going. I just meant right now, if something were to happen. I was surprised to know that he had nothing planned. That's all.

[basil67]

Ok, I'm glad to hear that doing so wouldn't be so unusual. To be clear, I just want to make sure my kids and I aren't homeless if something were to happen to him. I don't care about all his $. Just as long as I have a little to possibly put a deposit on an apartment so we could move. So tops, maybe $1,500.

 

$1,500? I would be appalled with your partner if he couldn't set aside such a small amount for you.

 

Let me say that I understand him wanting his estate to go to his kids. If I found myself starting over again, I'd do exactly the same. But at the same time, I wouldn't leave zero dollars for a long term partner. Possibly I'd leave them 10 or 15% of the estate. Or even in the case of us breaking up, I'd want make sure that they had every opportunity to have their own nest egg to fall back on.

 

Which brings me to another thought: what if the two of you break up and you have to leave? He's made a unilateral decision to call off the wedding, so I wouldn't be making any assumptions about the longevity of your relationship. I'd hate to see you coming back here in 6 months feeling blindsided by a breakup and with nowhere to go. So let me say it clearly now: Him calling off the wedding IS A WARNING that all is not well. While he may not end things, the risk is significantly higher than it was before.

 

It is crucial that you start saving for a nest egg of your own. Say, $5,000 for emergencies. Are you paying your partner market rent? What happens to the rest of your income? If he isn't going to take care of you financially, make sure that you only give him money to pay your way. Do not contribute to any kind of joint account with him. He wants you to be responsible for yourself, so BE responsible for yourself.

[Whodatdog]

It sounds like you are nothing more than roommates. Sure, he financed the car for you. But its still his car. And you are paying for it. So if something happens to him, you lose the car. Makes no sense.

 

You need to start planning for you and your kids. You're in a very dangerous place right now. This situation is exactly why all the threads we see with couples saying (mostly men) that marriage is just a piece of paper, that they dont need it for their relationship. Well, this is exactly why you do.

 

Dont play house with him. You are going to lose. And worse, the kids will lose.

 

If he loved you, he would want to insure your welfare should something happen to him.

[Whodatdog]

I came into this relationship with the understanding that we were going to be partners in everything. I didn't take money into consideration, nor did I enter this relationship for the money. I fell in love. When he offered to finance my car, I asked him if he was sure because he would be on the hook if anything were to happen. He said that he wasn't worried since "we weren't going anywhere". To me, that means we are in it for the long haul. I thought it was a give and take relationship. I do everything to show my commitment. That's just the person I am. Honestly, I don't know what he needs me for. He has everything he could ever want or need. If he doesn't love/need me, then why does he keep me here? I often wonder. But yes, he certainly does have the upper hand.

 

Seriously?? You pay him $800 a month. You cook and clean for him. You keep his bed warm. He owns a car that you're paying for. Sounds like you take care of his kids when he has them. He doesnt have to love you to keep this situation, all he has to do is like you.

 

If he loved you and considered you a life partner, he wouldnt take your money. He wouldnt make you pay rent, pay for your car, for food, for insurance. If he didnt want marriage, he would at least put you in his will, or get a life insurance policy on him. He would consider your future.

 

Which he's not.

[whichwayisup]

 

Are there laws where you are regarding Common Law status? In Canada after three years living together you get almost the same rights as being married.

Yes but if he passes away and she's NOT in his Will, his family and next of kin can take her to court and fight her on money, the house etc..etc.. She may have the same rights, right now but everything changes when death occurs.

[Whodatdog]

It depends on where she is living. Most states do not have common law status.

[BC1980]

I came into this relationship with the understanding that we were going to be partners in everything. I didn't take money into consideration, nor did I enter this relationship for the money. I fell in love. When he offered to finance my car, I asked him if he was sure because he would be on the hook if anything were to happen. He said that he wasn't worried since "we weren't going anywhere". To me, that means we are in it for the long haul. I thought it was a give and take relationship. I do everything to show my commitment. That's just the person I am. Honestly, I don't know what he needs me for. He has everything he could ever want or need. If he doesn't love/need me, then why does he keep me here? I often wonder. But yes, he certainly does have the upper hand.

 

I didn't mean to imply that you are with him for money. I think it might have come out that way, but I don't think that is the case. Anyway, in your situation, I think you have rightly identified the fact that if he were to die, you have no legal protection. What I mean is that you cannot financially support yourself without him. You said you would be destitute if he dies. One of the reasons to get married is to have legal protection if a spouse dies. You would inherit what he has right? That is why, as you have said, people take out life insurance policies on their spouses, especially when they have children involved.

 

The fact that he does not want to get married and does not have a provision for you and your children if he dies really signals that he does not view you as lifelong partners. He views you and your kids as separate from him. So you really are on your own, and the best advice I can give you is to try to get a better job or go back to school, so you can financially support yourself with no help. I don't think the car being in his name means as much as you think it does. He could easily break up with you, and the car would be his. It's not even your car at the end of the day. You have no legal claim on the car.

 

It pains me to read what I bolded. It's like you are trying to prove you are worthy of him. It pained me to read that since you got a raise, you wanted to give him more rent money to show your commitment. It's not supposed to be like that. You aren't supposed to be paying rent to your boyfriend in the hopes it will show him you have something to contribute to the relationship. As to what he wants from you. . . . companionship for one. People get lonely, and people crave companionship. You said you take care of his kids as well. But all of this doesn't mean he wants to be married to you and make this a proper relationship.

 

My question is: what are your long term goals for this relationship?

[Els]

It definitely sounds like the two of you aren't on the same page. If the two of you made a mutual decision to not get married and/or not include each other in your wills, that would be fine. But in your case it isn't a mutual decision.

 

Perhaps more concerning, is the fact that he earns 130k a month and yet has you pay rent to live in a house that he owns, despite you earning $14/hr. This isn't love, as another poster said. I could understand him wanting his assets to go to his children in the event of a separation or death, but not rent. In fact, I can't understand anyone charging a partner 'rent', fullstop. Either split the mortgage costs and have 2 people's names on the house, or if their name isn't going to be on the house they should only contribute to bills/maintenance. IMO, he's taking advantage of you. He's being your landlord, not your partner. And it sounds like he gets free housekeeping and babysitting out of it to boot?

 

I strongly suggest that you stop playing the "dutiful wife", as you say, and focus 100% on your children and your career. If he complains that you aren't taking care of his children and house, tell him that they aren't yours, and that HE made that decision. Leave as soon as you possibly can.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Elswyth

[stillafool]

I really think the idea of getting a large life insurance policy on him is your best bet and will put your mind at ease.

[Shining One]

I could understand him wanting his assets to go to his children in the event of a separation or death, but not rent. In fact, I can't understand anyone charging a partner 'rent', fullstop. Either split the mortgage costs and have 2 people's names on the house, or if their name isn't going to be on the house they should only contribute to bills/maintenance.

She's not actually paying rent. Rent is just the term she uses to describe the money she gives him every month.

I pay him what I call "rent" for living there, which covers some bills, food an wear and tear on the property.

[Shining One]

Initially, I was supposed to pay him $1300/mo for "rent" but I lost my job and got really ill shortly after we moved in, and could just pay $650/mo. Now that I have my current job, I bumped it up to $800/mo. Now that I have my raise, I was going to bump it up to $1K/mo to show that I am willing to contribute more financially. But I think after all this, I am not going to give him another red cent. I have to save all I can so that I'm okay with my kids.

OP, how did you two come to the $1,300/month figure? How did he react to you paying half that?

[mima74]

It sounds like you are nothing more than roommates. Sure, he financed the car for you. But its still his car. And you are paying for it. So if something happens to him, you lose the car. Makes no sense.

 

You need to start planning for you and your kids. You're in a very dangerous place right now. This situation is exactly why all the threads we see with couples saying (mostly men) that marriage is just a piece of paper, that they dont need it for their relationship. Well, this is exactly why you do.

 

Dont play house with him. You are going to lose. And worse, the kids will lose.

 

If he loved you, he would want to insure your welfare should something happen to him.

 

Thank you so much for your feedback.

[mima74]

$1,500? I would be appalled with your partner if he couldn't set aside such a small amount for you.

 

Let me say that I understand him wanting his estate to go to his kids. If I found myself starting over again, I'd do exactly the same. But at the same time, I wouldn't leave zero dollars for a long term partner. Possibly I'd leave them 10 or 15% of the estate. Or even in the case of us breaking up, I'd want make sure that they had every opportunity to have their own nest egg to fall back on.

 

Which brings me to another thought: what if the two of you break up and you have to leave? He's made a unilateral decision to call off the wedding, so I wouldn't be making any assumptions about the longevity of your relationship. I'd hate to see you coming back here in 6 months feeling blindsided by a breakup and with nowhere to go. So let me say it clearly now: Him calling off the wedding IS A WARNING that all is not well. While he may not end things, the risk is significantly higher than it was before.

 

It is crucial that you start saving for a nest egg of your own. Say, $5,000 for emergencies. Are you paying your partner market rent? What happens to the rest of your income? If he isn't going to take care of you financially, make sure that you only give him money to pay your way. Do not contribute to any kind of joint account with him. He wants you to be responsible for yourself, so BE responsible for yourself.

 

Thanks for your comment. I have some money in savings and starting to stash more just in case. I am paying way less than fair market rent. We live in the SF Bay Area and rent for a situation like mine in my area would easily be around $1500 to $2k. This is why I do all the other stuff around here. I guess to kind of "make up the difference". We have no joint accounts.

[BC1980]

Do you have any other family that can help you? What about your children's father? Is he in the picture?

[mima74]

OP, how did you two come to the $1,300/month figure? How did he react to you paying half that?

 

He was very angry.

[mima74]

Do you have any other family that can help you? What about your children's father? Is he in the picture?

 

I have no family. Just me and my kids. My ex pays the child support due to my kids - amount $500 per month.

[anna121]

Are you positive he has set aside NO bequest for you? I find that extremely ungenerous. My H's stepfather (who married my MIL eight years ago after my FIL died) passed last April, maybe a $2M estate, and he left my H and his brother 5K each!

 

So I am a little shocked that he would not at least leave you a small amount of money. One that would not make any appreciable dent in his kids' inheritance but that would make a big difference to you.

 

And yes, of course, his money, his choice. But such a mindset would be very concerning to me.

 

Good for you for looking to upgrade your earning potential. I suspect this soured for him when you had to downgrade your financial contribution right after moving in. If he is "defensive" about money, he may have felt trapped and exploited.

 

Sorry, OP.

[normal person]

I never said my kids are his responsibility. I am just shocked to know that for someone who is supposed to be his "life partner",

 

You're not his life partner, though. You're not married, and you've never gotten a firm confirmation that he's going to take care of you if he dies. Just assigning yourself that title doesn't make you entitled to his money. If you're just "shocked," or "offended," or insulted, why not just leave him?

 

he hasn't thought about what would happen to us in the event of his passing.

 

YOU haven't even thought about what would happen to yourself and your kids -- you're very unprepared. How on Earth can you feel "offended" that someone else hasn't agreed to gift you his fortune? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make any sense.

 

If he dies, you expect his kids to split his million dollars+ six ways as opposed to two. Instead of a pre tax $500K, they instead each get ~$166K just because you were "offended" and totally unprepared. The responsibility lies on you, not some guy you conveniently decided to call your "life partner" two thirds of the way through your life. If you die, his kids get to keep their money. They are actually better off. Do you really think it's fair for you to pocket $664K for yourself and your kids just... because? If you die, his kids don't inherit a small fortune from you, they just get to keep what they were going to get anyways and don't have to split it with someone who felt "offended."

 

It sounds like you're asking for a lot more than you bring to the table, and I totally understand your boyfriend's (not husband, not life partner yet) reluctance. Sorry.

[SunnySide0418]

He is getting all the benefits of a wife without any commitment. I can't believe he takes your money for rent when he makes do much compared to you. How about suggesting you lower your rent pymt and financial contributions and save that money? Personally, I wouldn't stay in a situation that is clearly one sided. If you let it go on you're to blame.

[BC1980]

I have no family. Just me and my kids. My ex pays the child support due to my kids - amount $500 per month.

 

I think your immediate goal should be seeking ways to financially support yourself without help. You simply must be able to do that. What about going back to school?

 

Your situation is like so many women's. So many women are with men who don't want to marry them, but, instead of moving on, they stay and accept whatever the man is willing to offer. Your situation is tricky because you can't financially support yourself without him. So you either have to find a way to do so or stay in this relationship until he breaks up with you. I would start stashing money ASAP and go back to school because you need to get out of this situation. The insurance money is a symptom of a larger problem.

[JuneL]

Like other posters said, at least you know where you stand: he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't care about your future. So you are on your own. The solution is to start making steps to increase your earning power and when you can afford it, break up with him and find someone else. It may take a few years, but I don't think this relationship will last forever and taking action now is best for you and the kids.

 

I agree with this post. OP: May I ask how old the kids from both sides are? How is the relationship between your boyfriend and your own kids? I'm not sure if your boyfriend has already paid off his mortgage, but 130k/year is really not that much for a father of two in the Bay Area. Does the $1m asset include the value of the house? What was your living situation before moving in with your boyfriend?

 

I also wanted to add that if he passes away or if you guys break up, you'll just have to move to a smaller place in a more affordable area (e.g., Oakland in the East Bay). Depending on the situation and the location, you might be qualified for some support for low-income households.

Edited March 20, 2017 by JuneL

[basil67]

If he dies, you expect his kids to split his million dollars+ six ways as opposed to two. Instead of a pre tax $500K, they instead each get ~$166K just because you were "offended" and totally unprepared.

 

I must have missed something. Where did the OP say that she wanted him to split his assets six ways?

[mima74]

Are you positive he has set aside NO bequest for you? I find that extremely ungenerous. My H's stepfather (who married my MIL eight years ago after my FIL died) passed last April, maybe a $2M estate, and he left my H and his brother 5K each!

 

So I am a little shocked that he would not at least leave you a small amount of money. One that would not make any appreciable dent in his kids' inheritance but that would make a big difference to you.

 

And yes, of course, his money, his choice. But such a mindset would be very concerning to me.

 

Good for you for looking to upgrade your earning potential. I suspect this soured for him when you had to downgrade your financial contribution right after moving in. If he is "defensive" about money, he may have felt trapped and exploited.

 

Sorry, OP.

 

Thanks for the response. Yes, I am positive because he told me as much. As you are, I was shocked as well.