I think I need to leave my wife....

[James81]

Been married for almost 10 years , together for 13. Have 2 kids together 14 and 8

 

She is 6 years younger and I am starting to think the age is a problem.

 

She likes an active social life and I am more of a home body, I do like going out together but the times she wants to goes out is with 20-25yr olds, I am 40 now and it's quite obvious even making the effort to socialise with people almost half my age is getting awkward.

 

My wife cheated on me a few times and found that difficult to muster, still sits in the back of my head but thankfully she hasn't cheated on me while married well...about 6months back I found her sneaking around with her 22yr old friend to nightclubs which I thought was fine, but she had met a guy which she got with and ended up going back to his house. I confronted her and basically denied it unfortunately I found messages which I finally had proof, she finally admitted it.

 

She says nothing happened and that all she did was lie down with him and the only reason she was there was that she wanted to feel loved something I apparently wasn't giving her.

 

I have been on anti-depressants for the last 7 years and I'm completely flat, I don't do this deliberately but she can't unstand me and it's hard.

 

I really think too much has happened and even though I pushed through and begged her not to leave me after her 5 months of partying , I find my depression pushing her away, I kind of feel like I'm not wanted or I could be easily replaced.

 

im not sure I even love my wife anymore , things are ok but we seem like 2 different people with nothing in common.

 

I just feel that moving on now would save us another 10 years.

 

I can't imagine what this will do to the kids and how this will end, I am really just scared of the unknown .

[Lovetoo]

Sounds like a not so good situation. I think it could be much worse.

 

Your depression: one thing you can and should do is everyday write ten things that you are grateful for. And really think about and appreciate them. Gratitude really helps Helps depression. Also, the quickest way to get your mind off of yourself is to help someone else. Volunteer. Do something nice for someone who doesn't have much. That'll make you feel better. Like your contributing to the greater good.

 

She probably wants some spontaneity in the relationship. Surprise her. Take her out one day out of the blue. Maybe a park, picnic or lake or whatever. Do something fun! Let her walk in to a completely different situation one day. Soon as she opens the door, you have music and candles and dinner/takeout. Whatever. Get creative. Let her know you love her, you care, this is hard and you want to try.

 

I think you can be happy and you can get what you really want, which doesn't seem like divorce.

 

One last thing, do you pray? No cliche, God can and will turn her situation completely around. I've seen and experienced it. Fight, spiritual warfare.

 

Love you! All the best!

[somanymistakes]

If your relationship has become flat and lifeless but you aren't actually antagonistic towards each other, it's worth trying to fix things first. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Tried to work through any exercises to reconnect and find things you can enjoy together?

 

Divorce is a last resort. If you try to fix things and it just doesn't work, you can always part later. It's much harder to undo a divorce if you change your mind.

[hippychick3]

There is no excuse for her horrible behavior. But given the fact that there are children involved, the best thing you can do is get help for your depression and work on yourself while remaining married. Once you have been treated for the depression and are feeling better about yourself, you can then decide the best course of action and be better able to emotionally handle the outcome.

 

Find a good therapist (first) and possibly a good psychiatrist (in case you need medication). Work on excercising daily if you're not already.

[mikeylo]

She is 6 years younger and I am starting to think the age is a problem.

 

Not at all man ! This age difference is nothing. Might get blasted here but younger wife works well for most guys, believe me.

 

Its her affairs that is the issue here. Even though they were before you got married but probably never dealt with them at the time and came into marriage with them, unresolved.

 

Might want to get into MC.

[Lovetoo]

Mikey I agree. I'm younger and older men and myself work really well. I like older me. 10-13 years older. Why do you think it works well?

 

OP, what else leads you to believe the age difference has become an issue.

[harrybrown]

She is lying to you.

 

You do not lie down with someone of the opposite sex and nothing happens.

 

File for D.

 

She does not love or respect you.

 

Partying and having another A on you is not good.

 

She can't stop, she is addicted.

 

Go see her attorney. If she still says nothing ever happened, have her pay for the polygraph.

 

She has to prove that she did not cheat. She did cheat. Do DNA tests on the kids.

 

have her get tested for stds.

 

She can go leave and be with her friends. She leaves the family behind.

 

That is what she wants.

 

She can do that as a single person, not as your wife.

[SevenCity]

If your relationship has become flat and lifeless but you aren't actually antagonistic towards each other, it's worth trying to fix things first. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Tried to work through any exercises to reconnect and find things you can enjoy together?

 

Divorce is a last resort. If you try to fix things and it just doesn't work, you can always part later. It's much harder to undo a divorce if you change your mind.

 

There is no excuse for her horrible behavior. But given the fact that there are children involved, the best thing you can do is get help for your depression and work on yourself while remaining married. Once you have been treated for the depression and are feeling better about yourself, you can then decide the best course of action and be better able to emotionally handle the outcome.

 

Find a good therapist (first) and possibly a good psychiatrist (in case you need medication). Work on excercising daily if you're not already.

 

Don't stay together for the kids. It will cause more damage to them then splitting apart.

 

They need to see a healthy loving relationship. You can have this if you leave your wife and find a girl who doesn't cheat on you.

 

If not, your kids will think this is normal and will be destined to a miserable life like yours for another generation.

 

Leave her FOR your kids. They will adapt.

[Roommate]

Not at all man ! This age difference is nothing. Might get blasted here but younger wife works well for most guys, believe me.

 

Its her affairs that is the issue here. Even though they were before you got married but probably never dealt with them at the time and came into marriage with them, unresolved.

 

Might want to get into MC.

 

ABSOLUTELY - ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER - Unless there is massive contrition and serious turn around.

 

She is going out to clubs - Likes the night life - Oh let me guess "Girls Night Out Again"

 

From what little I know of this situation - Yes - the issue is you are probably picking up very subtle almost unconscious "VIBES" that something is not right.

 

I had a girlfriend years ago, and she cheated on me - TRUST WAS BROKEN - how to restore trust? Generally it never is BUT yes there are EXCEPTIONS - again big big acts of contrition and remorse etc.

 

On the other side of the coin - now I am in a very miserable marriage and I am cheating - and it is over and over and over again.

 

A long time ago, a very wise girl said "Once they cheat - it is over - you can and must foregive them (read: do not harbor toxic hate or resentment) but the trust is broken forever" - I think there are exceptions but RARE.

 

Good luck - I would trust your instincts here - you seem to feel something aint right and it is not - she may not be satisfied in your relationship - or she "loves" you and all you bring but she just needs that extra thing on the side. Whatever - I would seriously dig deep into this the CHEATING thing really worries me.

 

Sorry if this is brutal - if it were not for a friend being "brutal" with me years ago on my cheating girlfriend I was in ignorance or even "willful blindness" or denial.

 

You are NOT alone. Respect.

[Roommate]

Don't stay together for the kids. It will cause more damage to them then splitting apart.

 

They need to see a healthy loving relationship. You can have this if you leave your wife and find a girl who doesn't cheat on you.

 

If not, your kids will think this is normal and will be destined to a miserable life like yours for another generation.

 

Leave her FOR your kids. They will adapt.

 

ABSOLUTELY ! Staying together for the kids? At what price? You are falling in a depression.

 

What does the Air Stewardess tell you - First put YOUR oxygen mask on, THEN and ONLY THEN put the oxygen mask on your children.

 

In my mind, being in a HEALTHY LOVING COUPLE is YOUR OXYGEN - you will be starving your soul and heart in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship and your children will suffer.

 

DIVORCE is like a total expense in 1 Year as opposed to "depreciating" your life in a miserable marriage - only the annual depreciation gets bigger and bigger and the "economic life" of the depreciable asset is your own life.

 

Yes there are arguments to stay married no matter what - Go see a Catholic Priest for that approach (they are not married by the way) - you might get a better seat in Heaven but only because you spent your life on Earth in Hell already.

[hippychick3]

I do NOT believe that the OP should stay with her for the sake of the kids. But he is suffering from depression and may not be able to make the best decisions for HIMSELF and his children in his current state of mind. Couple the depression with a divorce and it may send him over the edge. Divorce is inevitable given her actions. He, of course, deserves better. But people with severe depression are not in the best head space.

 

And yes, she is probably contributing to OP's depression. No question about that. OP needs to get better and get out.

[SevenCity]

ABSOLUTELY ! Staying together for the kids? At what price? You are falling in a depression.

What does the Air Stewardess tell you - First put YOUR oxygen mask on, THEN and ONLY THEN put the oxygen mask on your children.

 

In my mind, being in a HEALTHY LOVING COUPLE is YOUR OXYGEN - you will be starving your soul and heart in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship and your children will suffer.

 

DIVORCE is like a total expense in 1 Year as opposed to "depreciating" your life in a miserable marriage - only the annual depreciation gets bigger and bigger and the "economic life" of the depreciable asset is your own life.

 

Yes there are arguments to stay married no matter what - Go see a Catholic Priest for that approach (they are not married by the way) - you might get a better seat in Heaven but only because you spent your life on Earth in Hell already.

 

I liked this post so much I bolded the best parts which is pretty much all of it.

 

Excellent advice and metaphors.

 

Bravo!

[James81]

Recently we went a weekend with out messaging, I worked Friday to Sunday , I got a message on the Sunday night saying sorry for not messaging.

 

 

She says she loved me but I think she confuses this with when everything is fine, example , bills are paid up , doing most of the cleaning, I got a cleaner in a fortnight because part of her struggle was that she was over cleaning all the time

 

I work 7 day straight shifts and the 7 days off , when I'm finished I come home but she doesn't see excited to see me, the kids jump on me straight away but not her .

 

I did get her to the marriage councilor but she refused to talk about prior marriage cheating so we moved on and talked about current marriage stuff.

 

I am on anti- depressants now , I feel like I am being run into the ground.

 

We built our home together which she never helped plan only bitched when she didn't like something, I organized the bank the plans , the bills, I organized the other things , driveway, decking landscaping . She reaps the rewards but says I do nothing.

 

I'm already working 84hours for the week and just sleeping, all I have is the 7 days off and just recently she won a free trip to Asia for 10 days and I am having to put in annual leave for 7 days not including the days I have off to watch the kids. She invited her sister but didn't consider me.

 

I am suffering anxiety on a daily bases, I have panic attacks and she never talks to me, I think she is depressed as well but she seems 50 times more active than me.

 

I have tried to leave my job for something else and she isn't favorable insists I need to work there as we need the money, I am commuting 45 mins each way ontop of 10 and 12 hour shifts. Almost 14 hour day sometimes .

 

I been telling my wife for years I need a break and almost had enough, all I use my annual leave for school holidays and have no time to myself hence the frustration when she goes out with her friends or her nails, eye lashes, hair etc.

[aurelius99]

Flip the situation. If she were the man and you were the woman. 100% of this forum would be calling your spouse a pig and telling you to divorce because you deserve better.

[fawnlawn]

I agree with user Lovetoo. I don't know about the praying and all that, if it is something you do then go ahead but if it isn't don't feel like your problems will or won't be solved based on that.

 

Since I am young, I think I see the appeal in getting out of a relationship that is unhappy; but I think because of my age I also miss that there can be a big impact if you do divorce. You have two kids so this is also about them. I know many people say divorce isn't about the kids, but sometimes it really is. I'll tell you why: where are they in life? At 14 you're either in or entering high school. I was in my freshman year when I was 14. Then my dad died. It isn't the same thing as a divorce, and maybe death is even a little less messy - but it's a big change. And change is important to someone at that age. Especially a big change. For both the question of "Did daddy leave because of me?" will be a question. I know this because my parents filed for divorce years before his death. Are you prepared to fight for custody? Or give them up? Will you share 50/50 or will she take primary and you pay child support? Or vice versa? Will you follow through seeing them on weekends and taking them in the summers? Divorce gets complicated when there are kids involved, and even if she isn't a good person, perhaps you can come to some sort of mutually beneficial agreement that will put the kids first.

 

Plus it really sounds to me like your age and depression getting in the way can be worked through. There's a few questions to maybe ask yourself.

1. Are the anti-depressants working?

2. If yes, proceed & ask yourself if you're comfortable talking to your doctor about the side effects. If no, can you possibly switch to something else?

3. 40 - 6 = 34. Why is it that your wife is hanging out with people aged 20 - 25? That's 10 - 15 years younger than her while you only share a six year age gap. Is it really age that's in the way, or is it her attitude and personality?

 

To me, I dunno, it just seems like there's some more to consider here because of the possibility of fixing things. Also, what about couples therapy?

[Popsicle]

I just feel that moving on now would save us another 10 years.

 

YES! It will.

 

But you need to be ready to be alone. You can't leave her unless you feel like you will be happier alone than with her.

[MGTOW101]

Damn that ****ed up I feel for you but you need to get some self respect and pride that's not a woman that loves you or a wife. I know it's difficult but you need to understand by begging and going out of your way to give her everything she wants, you basically said it's okay to cheat and or whatever cause I'll always take you back. She is a mother and a grown woman if that was the life she wanted she should have never got married and defo not had kids. Also separating is better for the kids than raising the in a toxic environment. She enjoys the attention of the younger men and and probably feels like she settled down to young and she's unfulfilled blah blah blah... to put it simply your wife doesn't respect you or the life you've built. She emasculates you all the time by going out with these younger men expecting you to keep up and while she's ****ing or sucking on who Evers ......... come on seriously I know it's emotion and so painful but gather your courage and leave u did ur best now leave. The crazy thing is as soon as u show her that u won't put up with this **** n start getting ready to leave I bet her attitude changes dramatically if not immediately then in the near futur ?????? good luck my thoughts are with u dude and btw there are so many beautiful women your age older and younger who would love a good man don't keep them wanting #MEN GO THIER OWN WAY

[James81]

Alone , you make it sound like the end of the world, I don't want to be alone .

 

I'm sure there is a new world out there I suppose I just need to be brace enough to take the dive, I know I'm not happy , I know she says she loves me but it just seems like a convenience line than anything.

 

Obviously there is things we all do for our partners to make them happy but is that love ? I do things all the time that make her life easier and I try my hardest to be supportive but in the end if someone isn't excited your home there is something wrong, marriage by convenience.

 

I'm comfortable until the wind blows another direction , I can't sit here and take hits every 6 months because I can't be what she wants and I can't take her eventually cheating on me again .

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

I'm comfortable until the wind blows another direction , I can't sit here and take hits every 6 months because I can't be what she wants and I can't take her eventually cheating on me again .

 

You sound like me and my story didn't end well, you can read my story if you want. Now that my marriage is over, looking back... I thought exactly the way you thought, and she acted exactly the way your wife is acting.

 

- My wife cheated on me at the end, she may have cheated during our relationship. I discovered she would take her ring off while out to get more attention from guys.

 

- At the end she was trying to change me A LOT. Like you I wasn't what she wanted. She would say what about me she didn't like, and they were all trivial little things, e.g. I didn't treat her curtains well, I didn't like putting up Christmas lights, she wanted me to "party" more.. you get the idea.

 

- She stopped acting like a mom/wife and started going out and preferred spending time with friends over family time. Even now that I have full custody of our son she rarely sees him.

 

What I did and what you are doing is WAITING FOR THE WHOLE THING TO BLOW UP!! you feel it deep down, you feel the end is near... heck, there's a reason you posted here.

 

All the while trying to fix it knowing that at age 40 (I'm 37, her 30) you are who you are and you probably can't change and become a completely different person for her... and at the end of they day would you really want to do that? I didn't... but honestly you will change when it is over. You will become more social, you'll be forced to... otherwise you'll be forced with the possibility of living the rest of your days alone.

 

Yes you're going to be alone for a while and yes that sucks... but if I had to take a guess, she sounds like the type of person who will be gone as soon as she finds a suitable replacement for you, so the ALONE is inevitable. Good luck to you sir.

[lolablue17]

I don't know about your depression, but i do know that if I was married to this woman it would have made me fully depressed.

 

Do you know why many people divorce after even one case of infidelity? Because they understand that they can't be happy with the one who cheated on them. Because infidelity throws you to the ground, makes you insecure, and put you in a very bad place.

 

I think you should end your marriage. She doesn't really love you, and you don't really love her. She is toxic to your mental health. The children will be fine. You can end it amicably without fighting, and move on with your life, finding yourself a better woman.

[SevenCity]

YES! It will.

 

But you need to be ready to be alone. You can't leave her unless you feel like you will be happier alone than with her.

 

If this was a women posting the same about her husband, would you sugguest she stay?

 

It's not about whether or not he "thinks" he'll be happy, it whether or not this is a toxic relationship that is slowly killing him.

 

He needs to get a lawyer and start the process of leaving TODAY.

[Clay]

She is a serial cheater. I lived with one for ten years. I have two children with her. My advice for you is to run. Don't walk. Run. File for divorce as fast as you can. Don't talk to her about it. Don't try to convince her of anything. You have a better chance of catching a Unicorn then you do of helping her change. If she was really serious about being a better person she would have started working on this right after the first time she cheated. The fact she is continuing it only tells you what your future will be like if you stay with her.

 

Your kids will be just fine. Push for full or joint custody and spend as much time with them as you can. The more you open yourself to them the better they will take this change. Your the leader in there eyes. So the more you lead in a calm and reasonable way the more they will follow. My kids did exactly that. They were broken hearted but it didn't last long. I won custody in my case. It was hard raising four kids on my own but I wouldn't change a thing. They see there mother for who she is now. Even with all her wonderful stories of how I was a crazed lunatic and control freak they really see her. She is still a serial cheater. Its been almost 11 years since. She is on her seventh child. She has custody of non except the one she is carrying. I doubt seriously she will be able to keep this one long.

 

Its hard to walk away but I can tell you there is a life away form these people. Your just going to have to put Question mark on your life with her. Your never going to understand why she is the way she is. I seriously recommend not even trying. Serial cheaters never change.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I really wished there was laws against this kind of abuse. Until then the only they we can do is just get away from these people.

 

Clay

I wouldn't talk to her about the divorce. I would file as quickly as I could to get the process started. You can do all the talking you want once you have it going. I don't personally suggest you stay with her but if you want to possibly entertain doing it this would be a good way to get her to the table to make serious changes about herself.

[SteelyPhil]

I think you deserve better, much better. It's bad enough that your wife cheated on you once but to do it multiple times shows that she doesn't respect you at all and never realized how bad it hurt you the first time.

 

Also, you should not feel that you have to take medication to get through life due to what your wife has done to you. That isn't healthy and I would ask yourself "do I really want to be married to someone that I have to take medication just in order to live with because of what she's done to me"? Personally I would file for divorce and get out of the marriage.

[Cephalopod]

Alone , you make it sound like the end of the world, I don't want to be alone .

 

I'm sure there is a new world out there I suppose I just need to be brace enough to take the dive, I know I'm not happy , I know she says she loves me but it just seems like a convenience line than anything.

 

Obviously there is things we all do for our partners to make them happy but is that love ? I do things all the time that make her life easier and I try my hardest to be supportive but in the end if someone isn't excited your home there is something wrong, marriage by convenience.

 

I'm comfortable until the wind blows another direction , I can't sit here and take hits every 6 months because I can't be what she wants and I can't take her eventually cheating on me again .

 

James I was in love with an ex-wife who had absolutely no respect for me. I know what you are going through. My ex saw me as her servant....someone to supply a paycheck and a comfortable life while she went out and banged strangers at my expense.

 

Showing her the door was the hardest thing I ever did. There were weeks and sometimes months where I thought I was going to die from the grief and humiliation. But you know what? I didn't die. I didn't fade away. Actually, I got to a place where I rose above the pain and depression and started really living my life. The more I fell back in love with myself, the more distant my grief became, until one day there was no more grief.

 

And then I was able to step back and really see what a detriment to my life my ex wife had been, how she was a liability in all areas instead of an asset. Today I am a single father raising an amazing daughter, I have a girlfriend who adores me and treats me like a king, and I have learned to respect myself and love myself despite all the mistakes I made.

 

You can get to this point to if you just choose to. You are married to a parasite. Step back and see her for what she really is.

[BluesPower]

I read through most of this...

 

First off, let's understand that the story about just sleeping at the guys house is just BS. She at least screwed him that night and that is if she is not seeing him all the time.

 

So, your wife is a Un-remorseful serial cheater. She has been sleeping around with one or more guys when she is out parting at the very least.

 

She had no remorse when she cheated on you before and you did nothing about it and of course she is still sleeping around. So if you are still in denial about what is going on don't be. You are her cuck. And she is not going to talk about her cheating with the counselor because she does not want to stop and she could care less about what you think.

 

Further, of course she does not want you to stop working 14 hours days. She wants the money so she can sleep around and party.

 

About your depression. You are not getting the proper help from your doctors. There are tons of med combinations that will not flat line you emotionally. But regardless of what meds you are on, you won't get better with your current wife. Ever.

 

She does not love you, she does not respect you, she does not want to screw you she want to screw her party boys, she is not sexually attracted to you in any way.

 

Divorce her ASAP. Before you do, get help from the docs and find new med combinations that will actually help you. Cut your work schedule down and cut your budget down. Put some money away and prepare for the divorce.

 

Then file and leave.

 

This is your only choice to be happy...