I think I need to leave my wife....

[LostHubby2015]

I have been on anti-depressants for the last 7 years and I'm completely flat, I don't do this deliberately but she can't unstand me and it's hard.

 

I just feel that moving on now would save us another 10 years.

 

I can't imagine what this will do to the kids and how this will end, I am really just scared of the unknown .

 

I can relate man. I haven't been married as long as you nor do my wife and I have any kids. The depression part i was in the same boat as my marriage had become toxic for us both and her becoming an addict. Stuff went down where we currently don't live together (it's been 4 months now). At first it was nice because i had breathing room then after a few weeks it sucked all over again and has been that way for a while. I'm just now starting to be able to breathe. I was on depression meds for a while prior to our separation and they helped and i believe she is still on hers (we can't communicate due to legal reasons). I can see now that granted there were other reasons that caused the depression ultimately it was stuff perceived by her, real or imagined, and my desire to be a good husband, even though i pretty much blew that with the name calling.

 

We've been together for a total of 6 years and it's hard to let it go. My only advice is this, which i read this somewhere in the past 8 or 9 months. Go for a walk or something where you're in a "happy place" and say out loud to yourself "I'm getting a divorce" and see how you feel. I did it and honestly felt a sense or relief. No be mindful i originally did i think last july or august and i'm still married. So even if you do realize you feel better it's still not going to be easy. As the councilor i've been seeing suggested to me, just make sure you know why you're getting a divorce so you're not left with a "what if?" the rest of your life.

 

You can always give MC a shot as well. Obviously it works for some people, in my case it didn't and probably won't. Her own family members at one point told me counseling isn't going to work because the problem is that she's an alcoholic. So that was my uphill battle. After a while you get tired of pissing into the wind. Again, I felt relief about a divorce about 8 months ago and still haven't done it. Although i'm getting stronger about it each day.

 

I can understand your concern about your kids as i only think of my uncle who went through something similar and how my two cousins handled it. It is a delicate manner and i do think it's best that for now all they need to know is that it's not their fault and they are loved, but it isn't healthy for you and your wife to be together anymore.

 

Again, it's hard and a favorite quote of mine right now is "Do what's right for you. Nobody else is walking in your shoes."

[Apple1977]

Dump the dirty scrubber another waste of space women

[anynomous34]

Sounds like a not so good situation. I think it could be much worse.

 

Your depression: one thing you can and should do is everyday write ten things that you are grateful for. And really think about and appreciate them. Gratitude really helps Helps depression. Also, the quickest way to get your mind off of yourself is to help someone else. Volunteer. Do something nice for someone who doesn't have much. That'll make you feel better. Like your contributing to the greater good.

 

She probably wants some spontaneity in the relationship. Surprise her. Take her out one day out of the blue. Maybe a park, picnic or lake or whatever. Do something fun! Let her walk in to a completely different situation one day. Soon as she opens the door, you have music and candles and dinner/takeout. Whatever. Get creative. Let her know you love her, you care, this is hard and you want to try.

 

I think you can be happy and you can get what you really want, which doesn't seem like divorce.

 

One last thing, do you pray? No cliche, God can and will turn her situation completely around. I've seen and experienced it. Fight, spiritual warfare.

 

Love you! All the best!

 

 

I agree with this user..these things help.. Make the effort.. Buy her flowers remind her and tell her she is beautiful.. lift her up.. I realize how hard this is for you especially since your going through depression ...(i've been there)

 

Also yoga helps.. and finding something you are passionate about.. I know that usually helps me become happy...

 

As far as your wife goes... I've been in her shoes when i was married to an older male .. and we honestly were changing.. but at the same time i felt like he got lazy and wouldn't try to woe me anymore ... he wouldn't romanticize .. or surprise me anymore.. everything was so predictable.. and he wouldn't take me out on dates anymore...

 

I think the most important thing too.. is to try to find what exactly has changed? What you can improve on.. sounds like she already hinted toward "wanting more love" from you... maybe try to gauge her mind a bit.. figure out what she needs from you..

 

Wish you all the best. <3

[road]

Recently we went a weekend with out messaging, I worked Friday to Sunday , I got a message on the Sunday night saying sorry for not messaging.

 

 

She says she loved me but I think she confuses this with when everything is fine, example , bills are paid up , doing most of the cleaning, I got a cleaner in a fortnight because part of her struggle was that she was over cleaning all the time

 

I work 7 day straight shifts and the 7 days off , when I'm finished I come home but she doesn't see excited to see me, the kids jump on me straight away but not her .

 

I did get her to the marriage councilor but she refused to talk about prior marriage cheating so we moved on and talked about current marriage stuff.

 

I am on anti- depressants now , I feel like I am being run into the ground.

 

We built our home together which she never helped plan only bitched when she didn't like something, I organized the bank the plans , the bills, I organized the other things , driveway, decking landscaping . She reaps the rewards but says I do nothing.

 

I'm already working 84hours for the week and just sleeping, all I have is the 7 days off and just recently she won a free trip to Asia for 10 days and I am having to put in annual leave for 7 days not including the days I have off to watch the kids. She invited her sister but didn't consider me.

 

I am suffering anxiety on a daily bases, I have panic attacks and she never talks to me, I think she is depressed as well but she seems 50 times more active than me.

 

I have tried to leave my job for something else and she isn't favorable insists I need to work there as we need the money, I am commuting 45 mins each way ontop of 10 and 12 hour shifts. Almost 14 hour day sometimes .

 

I been telling my wife for years I need a break and almost had enough, all I use my annual leave for school holidays and have no time to myself hence the frustration when she goes out with her friends or her nails, eye lashes, hair etc.

 

This is not a free trip won but a cover for her OM to take her away for

a romantic vacation.

 

There is no age problem for you 6 years is nothing. However your WW

has the age problem for she is chasing after the studs 10 to 15 years

younger then her.

[elaine567]

This is not an age issue per se but a life stages issue.

The OP at 40 is content with being at home with the kids, and his wife at 34 still wants to be out partying till the small hours.

 

Problem is that 13 years ago when she first got with the OP and got pregnant, she was only 20-21.

All her partying days were therefore lost and she is now reliving her lost youth. She is stuck in a time warp hence why she wants to spend time with those who are young, free and single. She no longer wants to be the boring Mom sitting at home with a boring "old" man.

She is now looking at the guys she never got to be with when she was young.

I guess she also has a fair amount of resentment built up against the man who "stole her youth"...

 

So whilst 6 years may not seem a big gap, the OP at 27 was well prepared for long term commitment and marriage but at 21 she wasn't and it has all come to a head now. She may not have realised it at 21, she may have wanted to play "house" but as time goes by...

 

Making wives out of women in their very early twenties may seem like a great idea to some men, but the problems often come home to roost eventually and that is what has happened here.

[health]

James, this is my advice

- leave her

- divorce her as much as a win/win agreement as you can

- be there for your children

- reclaim your self and your life

- set a 5 year plan

- exercise and eventually get off the mess

 

Only stay in contact for the kids.

 

 

Tread carefully and don't attract a similar woman.

 

Whether or not you get involved with a woman again, anything is better than being with such a toxic person.

 

All the best

[BaileyB]

I'm not so sure that the age difference is your problem...

 

I think your wife's behavior is a problem. It seems to me that she is very immature and making poor choices in her life. Something is really not good for her if she is out partying with a bunch of 20-somethings when she has a husband and children at home. Perhaps she married too young and she is reliving her youth in some kind of mid-life crisis... It's very possible. Regardless, this kind of behavior would not be acceptable to me.

Edited May 6, 2017 by BaileyB

[OatsAndHall]

 

I have been on anti-depressants for the last 7 years and I'm completely flat, I don't do this deliberately but she can't unstand me and it's hard.

 

This is a hard place to be in and I understand completely. My ex-wife is unstable, to say the least and she has MS. Helping her cope with the MS was difficult enough without her irrational behavior and temper. I have dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life so I've been on medication for years. I was on a low dose of medication when we first met but I had tripled the dosage by the time we split. I went to counseling throughout the years we were together and tried to learn and practice more coping skills. Unfortunately, I still couldn't get myself together because of the continual toxicity of the marriage and my doc and I just kept upping the dose so that I could function.

 

Within the last few years, I was also emotionally flat and drained physically from the combination of our stressful life and the medication. She would get upset because I was a zombie at the end of work days and took it extremely personally. I tried to explain all of this to her on many, many occasions but it would just turn into a fight of some kind. Once the pain of the divorce subsided, I found that I needed the medication less and less and have been gradually tapering back down, under my doc's supervision. I'm not suggesting that you do anything with your medication; I'm just telling you my story. I also lost 60lbs quickly after we split and it wasn't because I wasn't taking care of myself; the stress of that relationship was having a seriously negative affect on my physically and emotionally. I was being tested for Type 2 Diabetes a year before we split even though I was working out and watching what I ate... My blood sugar was all over the place and an endocrinologist told me that it was probably caused by the marriage after we split.

 

Never underestimate the emotional and physical toll a relationship can take on your physical and mental health. Especially with a woman who has been unfaithful. My marriage ended because my ex-wife was screwing around and that was final nail in the coffin for me. My emotional and physical health had gone to chit and I wasn't going to put myself through anything else by getting back together with her.

[Marc878]

Been married for almost 10 years , together for 13. Have 2 kids together 14 and 8

 

She is 6 years younger and I am starting to think the age is a problem.

 

She likes an active social life and I am more of a home body, I do like going out together but the times she wants to goes out is with 20-25yr olds, I am 40 now and it's quite obvious even making the effort to socialise with people almost half my age is getting awkward.

 

The age difference isn't the problem. She's trying to be younger than she is.

 

My wife cheated on me a few times and found that difficult to muster, still sits in the back of my head but thankfully she hasn't cheated on me while married well...about 6months back I found her sneaking around with her 22yr old friend to nightclubs which I thought was fine, but she had met a guy which she got with and ended up going back to his house. I confronted her and basically denied it unfortunately I found messages which I finally had proof, she finally admitted it.

 

You don't go to another mans house to watch tv. BTW serial cheaters never stop they just get better at hiding it. You made a huge mistake marrying her knowing this. You'll make an even bigger one staying.

 

She says nothing happened and that all she did was lie down with him and the only reason she was there was that she wanted to feel loved something I apparently wasn't giving her.

 

Cheater script. Nothing special here. You are in the betrayed spousal syndrome. You want to believe because the truth hurts too much. It's called denial. They had sex and you know it deep down. You probably only know the "tip of the iceberg".

 

I have been on anti-depressants for the last 7 years and I'm completely flat, I don't do this deliberately but she can't unstand me and it's hard.

 

She doesn't care pal.

 

I really think too much has happened and even though I pushed through and begged her not to leave me after her 5 months of partying , I find my depression pushing her away, I kind of feel like I'm not wanted or I could be easily replaced.

 

Worst thing you can do. You not only devalued yourself but definitely lost status with your wife. Weakness is extremely Unnattractive. She cheats and you beg?

 

Good men your age are a commodity.

 

im not sure I even love my wife anymore , things are ok but we seem like 2 different people with nothing in common.

 

I just feel that moving on now would save us another 10 years.

 

Yep, you're young and wasting time/life on someone who doesn't appreciate what they've got.

 

I can't imagine what this will do to the kids and how this will end, I am really just scared of the unknown .

 

Some people will stay in a crappy position because of fear of the unknown not realizing they could have a much better life.

 

That's totally up to you. Sacrificing your life and happiness but remember she could care less and when you kids grow up they'll have their own lives and you won't matter much.

 

You need to wake the hell up!!!

 

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