AM I OUT OF LINE HERE? tell me what you think

[Foxforce5]

OK SO....

First of all I'm a gay male and I'm 26 years old. Im dating a guy that I have known for a few years and we have been serious for about a year now. We don't live together but we hang out about 4 days out of the week. My best friend and someone I hope to have a future with. Everything is pretty awesome with the exception of some trust issues we both have from past relationships. Never seemed to be a big deal until I asked the stupid question.......

 

I know that we are all entitled to some form of privacy but I just don't think this is okay. I noticed that my boyfriend is very careful about not leaving his phone unattended. I mean he rarely puts it down and never leaves it on the counter. One day I asked why does that and if I could look through his phone. []

 

He told me no and that If It is such a big deal than I obviously don't trust him. We'll we both have been in bad relationships so trust is something that should be built and not just assumed. I said your free to go through my phone. Have any password you want. I'm an open book. And it's my understanding if you ain't got nothing to hide than why cant you just ease my mind? He then says I'm just looking for trouble. THAT MADE ME OUTRAGED!!! I told him this..

 

This is what it boils down TO. I don't really want to look through your phone and see all your porn and what not! It's just the action of you being comfortable and open about this is what I want. By refusing to let me look and being so "Private" Is what's worrying me. If you just said yes I wouldn't even feel the need to look. AM I CRAZY AND. OVER THINKING THIS? PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINION. THANKS <3

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Space Ritual]

OK SO....

First of all I'm a gay male and I'm 26 years old. Im dating a guy that I have known for a few years and we have been serious for about a year now. We don't live together but we hang out about 4 days out of the week. My best friend and someone I hope to have a future with. Everything is pretty awesome with the exception of some trust issues we both have from past relationships. Never seemed to be a big deal until I asked the stupid question.......

 

I know that we are all entitled to some form of privacy but I just don't think this is okay. I noticed that my boyfriend is very careful about not leaving his phone unattended. I mean he rarely puts it down and never leaves it on the counter. One day I asked why does that and if I could look through his phone. []

 

He told me no and that If It is such a big deal than I obviously don't trust him. We'll we both have been in bad relationships so trust is something that should be built and not just assumed. I said your free to go through my phone. Have any password you want. I'm an open book. And it's my understanding if you ain't got nothing to hide than why cant you just ease my mind? He then says I'm just looking for trouble. THAT MADE ME OUTRAGED!!! I told him this..

 

This is what it boils down TO. I don't really want to look through your phone and see all your porn and what not! It's just the action of you being comfortable and open about this is what I want. By refusing to let me look and being so "Private" Is what's worrying me. If you just said yes I wouldn't even feel the need to look. AM I CRAZY AND. OVER THINKING THIS? PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINION. THANKS <3

 

No you are not out of line.

 

It does not matter whether the relationship is gay or straight, the same dynamics of infidelity apply to both.

 

I use the adage a lot "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing". still believe in it.

 

Take a read around here in this sub forum and others. One of the common threads in them are the fact that usually the Guilty Party either puts a password on their phone out of nowhere, or guards it like it is Fort Knox, even sleeping with it under their pillow in some cases, or a combination of both.

 

Obviously your gut is screaming that something is wrong. BUT:

 

Now hat you have voiced your concerns, your best course of action s to sit back and watch his action. If he is doing something untoward, he know knows you are feeling it. It is usually around this time somebody who knows they are being suspected starts love bombing, maybe going out of their way to appear lovey dovey. And it is usually at that point they feel some level of comfort to dive back into infidelity where they totally screw up and expose themselves.

 

Sit back and watch his actions. Words are cheap. See how they line up with what he actually does.

[badartwork]

You don't have any right to access his phone, just as you don't have any right to go through his emails, post, bank accounts, etc etc etc. Some things are private and he's right to safeguard his privacy if it is something that is important to him.

 

The only thing I would add is that if this attachment to his phone is new behaviour, then keep your eyes open for evidence in other places. If it's not new behaviour then I have even less empathy for your position here. Either way, a guy keeping his phone close by and not giving you his passcode is not crazy or suspicious behaviour and starting arguments about it won't lead to anything good.

[basil67]

I leave my phone unlocked and on it's own frequently. If I hear a text and hubby is near the phone, I will ask him to tell me what it is. Likewise, my email. However, I would be very upset if I found him deliberately going through my phone or emails.

 

I think your bf is behaving in an untrustworthy manner by never letting his phone out of his sight. But I think you're out of line asking for access to read it.

[Simple Logic]

I have never been in a relationship with anyone I would have onjection to them viewing anything on my phone. He is hidding things. Drop him and move on.

[Poutrew]

At least your bf is truthful. He told you that if you are looking in his phone, then you are looking for trouble. Believe him. Stop sex with him immediately. If you don't, that 'trouble' will announce itself in your life in the form of 'Very Bad News' on an STD test... Find someone whom you have no trust issues with, and good luck.

[BadLuckIGuess]

You have no proof of him doing anything, but you do have probable cause to be suspicious.

[PegNosePete]

Whilst I agree with the point you make, that he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing, I'm not sure you went about this in a good way...

One day I asked why does that and if I could look through his phone.

Is that what you actually said? "Can I look through your phone?"?? This is saying point blank to his face that you don't trust him! That is very different to "trust is earned not assumed"... you're telling him that you think he is guilty and that he must prove himself innocent. I'm not surprised he responded how he did... whether he's trustworthy or not, I think most people would respond to "I don't trust you, you must prove your innocence" in that way.

[Try]

You don't have any right to access his phone, just as you don't have any right to go through his emails, post, bank accounts, etc etc etc. Some things are private and he's right to safeguard his privacy if it is something that is important to him.

It is all about agreed upon boundaries. You either share the same values and boundaries or you do not. I for one believe that in a healthy relationship there should be no expectation of privacy other than when you are in the bathroom, and that the sharing of passwords should be a given. My wife agrees with these values and boundaries, so it is not a big deal if she looks at my phone or I look at her phone. We are very open with each other. If your partner does not share your values and boundaries, then you need to find a new partner that does. No sense in wasting years with someone that views the world so differently than you.

 

Although there is no right or wrong here, healthy boundaries tend to help otherwise good partners from making poor decisions that they may later regret. Others may disagree, but it is how my wife and I see the world.