How to have support when fighting with SO without making people hate them

[imaginarium]

So I thought of this before, but now that it looks like my current relationship is ending, it brought it back out and I'd like some opinions on it.

 

How do people find a support system when they are going through a really bad time with their partner without turning friends or family against that partner should the relationship continue?

 

I'm not talking about couples who are constantly fighting so of course everyone wonders why they even bother. More like, you caught the person cheating, or in my case lying. I see posts on here all the time of marriages that people that are trying to make work after a bombshell gets dropped, and you know you can't be in that miserable of a place in your head alone.

 

But say you have that big thing happen, cheating or alcohol or drugs, and you tell your friends because you need support. Then the person swears they are sorry, will never do it again, and they decide to work through. Anyone you told is going to think less of them, judge you, judge them, and social interactions become uncomfortable. In my case I limited it to work friends who aren't high on the list of people I care about judging me, but I also told my 2 best friends because I needed help. I know if I ever chose to give my ex another chance, they would not approve and not want to be around him for what he did. If I got cheated on I feel like I would need to tell my mom, because even though I'm 33 I would probably still need a mom hug in that case, and she would never forgive the other person.

 

So how do you guys deal? I mean here obviously, but do you take the chance of everyone hating the other person if you work things out? Do you suffer in silence until you know for sure it's a no go? What's appropriate??

[BlackCherry]

Choose the friends you tell wisely.

 

I wouldn't tell family as they're... family. It's not fair to expose them to personal details of my relationship troubles then expect them to sit around during celebrations and treat my partner the same way as before.

 

I would only choose true best friends to tell, the ones who trust and love me enough to respect my decisions and would therefore swallow any feelings they had towards my partner and act civil/friendly because I decided to make it work. I wouldn't tell people who were immature, selfish or gossips. But I wouldn't be friends with people like that in the first place.

 

All of my close friends would respect my decision to stay or go whatever I told them about my partner, possibly short of disclosing physical abuse.

[Davey L]

Best to choose just one friend to talk to. Not necessarily your closest friend but one you trust to give impartial advice and not to gossip.

[somanymistakes]

Friends will listen to you vent but they are not great sources of advice, because almost always, they care about YOU, not your partner. They're likely to jump quickly to "just dump the jerk" if you complain about someone, even if the problems are totally solvable, because all they see is that you're unhappy and they want you to be happier. And this can get awkward because if the problem takes a while to fix your friends may get fed up with you. "I told you they were no good! Just DUMP THEM!"

 

Even on a forum like this people build up histories and sometimes posters will dig up your past threads and yell at you for not having broken up with someone they told you was bad news previously. Sometimes for pure venting, somewhere with anonymous throwaway identities is preferred.