susannam Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 This is an addiction. Go cold turkey for a month ("detox") - change your phone number, keep your distance at work, get support where you can (here or from sympathetic family/friends). It will help to get the cravings out of your system, and you will learn a new pattern of behavior to follow in the meantime. It won't be fun, and it won't be all sunshine and roses at the end of it. But you will know that you never want to repeat that process again, and that will keep you from going back to him. Why isn't this happening for me? It's been 8 months since I last saw MM and I feel even more lost and lonely than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Why isn't this happening for me? It's been 8 months since I last saw MM and I feel even more lost and lonely than ever. As long as we see it as " when am I going to score someone like this again.. but i should sacrifice because everyone says its the right thing".. its not happening. One must realise that getting out of it was good in every way for ownself. Unless, out of the fog, and feel the good riddiance about it, it is only going to get miserable because the reason you are doing it is not for yourself. This is what I tell myself, I told the same things to you. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Why isn't this happening for me? It's been 8 months since I last saw MM and I feel even more lost and lonely than ever. I think it all depends on what you do with that time. I found it really helpful to use it as a period of personal growth. I reconnected with old friends, started up some new activities, made some new friends, got involved in meditation and counseling, pushed forward with my career, etc. It also depends on how long you were with xMM. If it was years, then it's probably going to take longer. It's the same as the ending of any long-term relationship, it just takes time. But, in general, I think people feel better more quickly if they take concrete steps to change and grow and experiment with themselves during that time. Focus on it as a period of growth rather than loss. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author susannam Posted March 19, 2017 Author Share Posted March 19, 2017 As long as we see it as " when am I going to score someone like this again.. but i should sacrifice because everyone says its the right thing".. its not happening. One must realise that getting out of it was good in every way for ownself. Unless, out of the fog, and feel the good riddiance about it, it is only going to get miserable because the reason you are doing it is not for yourself. This is what I tell myself, I told the same things to you. I tell myself this a number of times every day. I do everything I can, stay busy, see friends, go on holiday, go on dates but the minute a man comes too near me physically or touches even my arm, I find it repulsive and it seems to make the void seem even bigger. When does it ever start to feel better? I can't even console myself with the fact that I've done the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author susannam Posted March 19, 2017 Author Share Posted March 19, 2017 Sorry I am having a down day today. It was a two and half year affair after many years of friendship. There was a DD 8 months ago. He wanted to carry on but I stopped it because anything else would have been even more dishonourable than what we had already done. NC since. I know in my head that this is the best way, but it's taking so long to feel whole again and move on. I seem to be stuck. It does help to read others' experiences on here though and occasionally I do feel like it's moving in the right direction. Sorry if I've hijacked the thread. Have only just plucked up courage to post. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Why isn't this happening for me? It's been 8 months since I last saw MM and I feel even more lost and lonely than ever. YMMV. I can kind of identify with savannah because mine did not treat me well either, so in that sense it was an addiction to someone toxic. You had a friendship with this man first so I can see how you could still be grieving that loss. I was "friends" with mine too, although in hindsight it was likely just manipulation on his part. That's the part I miss most, and it wasn't even real. In any case, when I'm feeling like I need him, I think about the pain I went through in breaking my addiction to him, and I know I can't ever go down that path again. You did do the right thing. Think about all the people who were being harmed by your actions, and know that you were the bigger, stronger person for doing something very difficult and changing it. Pride yourself on that. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 I tell myself this a number of times every day. I do everything I can, stay busy, see friends, go on holiday, go on dates but the minute a man comes too near me physically or touches even my arm, I find it repulsive and it seems to make the void seem even bigger. When does it ever start to feel better? I can't even console myself with the fact that I've done the right thing. I can only give you the same advice I gave Savannah. Get counseling. You think you are seeing this clearly, but you're not. You are fixated on this one man, this one idealized relationship and the powerful, powerful drug that is unrequited love. It makes you think and do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do and over time, it destroys you. While I was never an OW, I used to chase the emotionally unavailable men - the commitment phobes. The more they could not commit to me the more I desperately wanted them. I emphasized everything that told me they were "the one" for me and ignored anything that said otherwise. I obsessed silently for years over some of these guys. Eventually, I had had enough. I finally stopped chasing the last guy (we were in that push/pull where he had basically walked out on our engagement but then wanted to still have a relationship). I discovered it was me. It wasn't him, it wasn't life... it was me. And more importantly, it was a part of me that was easily fixed. I got myself a little therapy, a few hobbies and eventually, the love of my life and my now husband. When I see women on this board twisting themselves into knots and living with daily disappointment and heartbreak for just a few moments of validation, it totally breaks my heart. There is nothing unlovable about you or Savannah! It's about choices. It's about acknowledging and recognizing that it isn't good for you - your heart, your soul or your body - to ever obsess about someone or make them more valuable than you value yourself. In my case, it came right down to me telling myself that I couldn't go back to my ex - as much as I wanted to - because I couldn't handle it. I knew - finally - that I couldn't. He would have always been on that pedestal and I was always going to chase whatever little piece of affection that he would give me so that I could validate myself and my relationship. What I have now is absolutely amazing. I want that for both of you and it is frustrating to sit on the outside and see that it really is about changing your point of view that would open up the world to you. Yes, you have to go through the pain of heartbreak, but I'm telling you honestly, I have never ever been happier in my life. I couldn't imagine that love felt this good. Please just don't let yourself think about him, fixate on him, etc. Find a therapist. And physically stop yourself from daydreaming about him. Eventually you heal but you have to want to. I'm pulling for both of you! GG 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author susannam Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Thank you for your wise and supportive words. I have thought a lot about counselling but after seeing my doctor he said there is a waiting list of 6-9 months. I hope I'm over it by then but I'm at all not sure I will be. There are times when I really have myself under control and I've some really exciting things happening over the next few months, but in spite of everything in my life being positive and moving in the right direction, I still keep hoping that he will call me and tell me he wants to be with me. My head tells me that won't happen but my heart still wants it. I know it's the same for most OW. I just wish that at some point soon I'll stop wanting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Don't lose heart. My affair had similar statistics as yours, and it's taken quite a long time to really feel like I've made progress. I am coming up on a year now, and really do see things with more clarity. At 8 months, I still had a lot more ups and downs. Sure, I had good moments. But I got very frustrated with the amount of brain space he still took up; how much I still ruminated on everything; that I constantly went over my decisions; etc. Someone said that we do tend to overblow these Rs when they can't really come to fruition. I think that's so true. Even if they feel kind of real (like maybe they got exposed to some daily realities), they still did not go through the rigors of an out-in-the-open relationship. So we just have so many unrealized hopes. Everything is about potential. And then add to it that we were friends before and it was long-term...you can feel like you really lost something "special." And maybe you did, in a way, but that's the choice we made. I guess I just wanted to reassure you that at 8 months, it's not crazy to feel how you feel. Hang in there. You're really close to feeling better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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