My husband and his indiscretion

[susanelizabeth]

My husband was in the car with a family member of his. We had gotten into an argument on the phone. At the end of the conversation he failed to turn his cell phone off. After listening for about ten minutes while he and some of his family members stopped at a restaurant to eat, he and this family member were sitting in his car waiting for the others to come out. He starts talking about this girl that he worked with last year. Starts talking about her great little body. He tells the guy with him that she came back in the office and started kissing him on the neck and he was like"hey what are you doing". But then she did it another time and he f**ked the s**t out of her. It was so good that he went back for more another time - got a hotel room. It took a few minutes for what I had heard to register. So I hung up the phone. I wasn't going to say anything about it, but I just couldn't help myself. I called him back and let him know that I had heard the whole thing. At first he tried to tell me that he knew I was on the phone and that he was just messing with me. Then he tried to tell me that he was talking about someone else. After he finally understood that I had heard every word as well as the circumstances and the girl's name, he told me that he would tell me everything as soon as he got to his parent's house. After a whole weekend of avoiding me ( he was at a friend's funeral) he came home. In the mean time I had a whole weekend to think of the worst. The picture in my mind is much worse than the one in his. He cried with me about it. He swears up and down that it was a mistake and that he will never hurt me again. It happened a year ago. He stopped working there not too long after it happened. He swears that he has not seen her or talked to her. There was no "relationship". It was just a physical thing that happened one time. He loves me and he married me and only wants me. I can't get the picture of him with someone else out of my mind. I wonder how it was for them right after the sex and how it was at work the next day. I imagine that it was very flirtatious and exciting for him. He doesn't understand my need to know details. I understand that he is trying to protect himself as well as me. He doesn't want to go through the pain of telling me everything. But I want him to. The picture in my mind is probably 100 times worse than how it all actually went down. He broke our vows. How do I get past this? How do I rebuild the trust? He is angry with me because I am still having problems with this. I tried to explain to him that he has had a year to deal with his mistake. it is still very fresh for me. I have only known about it for a week. I want to get through this. I want to get my marriage back together. I know that I can't keep beating him up about it - figuratively. At some point I have to be willing to let it go and choose to move on if I want to stay in this marriage. any suggestions/thoughts on how to get these images out of my head?

[whichwayisup]

HE's only sorry cuz he got busted! He had NO intention of you ever finding out. What a fool.

 

Well, I suggest marriage counselling and he better make this up to you. Any trust you've had for him is out the window. He changed your life now and somehow you need to decide if he is worthy of your love and trust again.

 

Sorry for your pain. No matter what, don't allow him to say it's your fault he cheated. That's just a huge line of crap.

 

Keep posting and read about this section, dazednconfused's thread could help you, think it's on page 3 or 4 of this section.

[StillHurtin]

I am so very sorry. I agree w/ what WWIU posted. If he refuses to go to MC then make him go to IC to see why he did this to you, and himself.

 

My H had an A during our seperation but wanting me back a few months later. I told him he has a lot to proove to me if he wants this M to work. Since we lived 100 miles from eachother it was hard to do MC so I told him he needed to go to IC and he did. He showed me the things his counselor gave him to look over and discuss w/ me. I also went to IC to help me get passed the A. My counselor told me not to mention the OW's name to him anymore but it was hard. I needed details. He didn't want to answer my ?'s but I told him I needed to know, it was my weird way of dealing w/ it. I don't know if he told me every single thing but he did tell me what I asked.

I really don't know if all the details helped but it saved me from wondering and thinking about it all the time getting it all out in the open.

 

My H and I were M almost 11 years w/ two children when he had his A. It is hard knowing he was w/ another woman in this time but I try not to think about it. When I do, I find something else to do to get it off my mind.

 

I don't think your H had any intentions of telling you about this OW. And he is being selfish by expecting you to get over it when it's only been a week! I was feeling like he!! for a year after I found out. It got easier as time past but it was hard. After three months of crying at the drop of a hat, not eating at all, and not being able to sleep my doctor put me on anti-depressants. It helped, a lot.

 

I am so very sorry that you are going through this pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hugs

[harleygirl92156]

Sounds like we are all married to clones!!

 

My husband did confess on his own, but lied about what happened. I found out who the woman was so I just ask her and she was very open and honest. What he told me was an mistaken one night stand was actually a one year affair with several sexual encounters. BIG DIFFERENCE.

 

What could have been discussed and worked through in a short period of time has now drug on for six months and the truth is still coming out. As far as the details, the less you have the better. All you really need to know is the when and the why.

 

When because it will help you look at what was going on with your relationship with your husband that may have contributed to the affair (if anything). Why because I feel the cheater needs to understand why the affair happened if they don't want to repeat the mistake. If they don't figure out why, how can they be sure it won't happen again.

 

We are still working on the why. We had alcoholism and black outs also involved with the affair so the why is foggy. He tried to blame the alcohol, but counselors won't let him get away with that either. He is working on the why and that is all I can ask.

 

I like you wanted to know all the details, but they don't make things better. I thought it would, but that was a mistake. I don't want to know anymore, I know too much now. Be very careful what you wish for.

 

When you obsess and that is what it is, about the details, ask yourself "if I know this detail is it going to help my relationship" my guess is it isn't. You only need to know what is relevent to your relationship. Why is a big thing, but so are his feelings about the affair, what he felt about your marriage at the time etc. The graphic details just don't make it better. He has to live with what he did and the graphic details, you shouldn't have to.

 

Now for the hard part, trust. You don't trust him, he shouldn't expect you to and you shouldn't expect to either. It takes time and will be something you both have to work on, probably forever. Be patient. If you really want the marriage to work you have to work on yourself too. You have to realize that your asking for details only makes him relive a mistake he regrets deeply. Do you want to make him continue to suffer every single minute of ever single day. If you do want to make him suffer then you don't really love him and you should let him go. If you don't want to make him suffer, STOP trying to make him relive the details constantly of the awful thing he has done.

 

Have you ever made a mistake, even a small one, and had someone rag on you constantly about what a dumb thing you did? How did that make you feel, not too good about yourself huh. It is the same for them. If you want your marriage and you truely love the man then you have to work on letting it go and concentrate on how to make your marriage stronger so something like this never happens again.

 

Now for the even harder part. His trust of you. Yes that is right. He has to trust you and you have to be someone he can trust. He has to know that everytime you get the chance you are not going to pounce on him about the affair. If you do, he is going to avoid you and if he starts doing that how are you going to work on your marriage? He has to trust that you can forgive him. If he begins to believe that you are never going to be able to forgive him, he will give up. Be someone he can trust with his feelings, help him work through his guilt and be his confident, his friend and above all try and be understanding. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if you were in his shoes. Treat him the way you would like to be treated.

 

Now I don't condone affairs, I have been through it and it is the most awful feeling in the world. I personally lost 40 pounds in 2 months!! It ate me up. I remember asking someone how on earth can I live with this and they told me to "fake it till I make it. So I acted like nothing was wrong and things immediately got better between us. We allowed 20 minutes a day, if one of us wishes, and we can discuss whatever we want, including the affair. After 20 minutes, NO MORE, we quit and do something else together, something fun or relaxing, sit in the hot tub, go for a walk with the dog, go for a ride, etc. It works for us, you just have to really enforce the 20 minute rule!!

 

If you want your marriage, really want it, you have to do some work too and it is hard when you know you didn't do a damn thing wrong but you still have to do a lot of work! Hardly seems fair, but marriage like childbirth is hard work, but the reward is worth it.

 

I understand your pain and I feel for you. I wish you peace in your mind and I wish you the best in your marriage.

[deesgirl]

Did he say it was a mistake or sound sorry when he was bragging about it to his family member? Did the other guy sound shocked at all to hear that your husband had an affair?

 

It sounds like he's only sorry he got caught. You should have listened more instead of hanging up. You might have found out about any other 'mistakes' he's made.

 

What would make the girl feel comfortable enough to start kissing on his neck to begin with?

 

I think you're in for a rough life if you stay with this man.

[susanelizabeth]

Good Morning,

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I am sorry for the pain you all are going through as well. I am taking your advice and trying my best to let this go and focus on the rebuilding of my marriage. I still picture, quite vividly, where the incident happened and how it happened. My big hang up is why wasn't our love strong enough to make him say "no". We were struggling financially, so I had taken a second job in the evenings. I was working M-F 8 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. I am guessing that to be the time that it happened. I am hurt that I was busting my butt to make things work for us while he was betraying me. I have been reading alot about why people cheat and it seems to be centered around how that person feels about themselves. He wasn't feeling good about himself, maybe because he wasn't making enough money, he was unhappy with his job, etc. This OW was much younger than he which maybe made him feel like he was older/wiser/more experienced/better lover/could teach her a thing or two, blah, blah, blah, perhaps giving his ego a boost. When I look at it like that it all makes sense. But then it seems like I am making excuses for his behavior. As far as I was concerned, he was the king of my castle. I was supportive emotionally and intellectually. I loved sex so I didn't think we had a problem in that area either. We slowed down a bit in that department after we got married, but I didn't think that we had a problem - thought that it was kind of normal. We have been together six years so we have gotten quite comfortable with each other. The problem that I am having right now is that I now feel inadequate. I know in my head that I am an attractive woman, but since this has happened, I feel like a dog. I know that this is my issue that I need to work on, not his. It just feels like everything I believed, the world as I knew it, didn't really exist. How do you put that back in perspective? I know that I did not ultimately do anything to cause him to have sex with someone else and that it was his choice, his mistake. I just can't get it to register with my heart yet. Do you have this problem?

 

My husband is my best friend. He is the one that I talk to about everything. Unfortunately, I cannot talk to him about all of this or I will be right back where I started with him thinking that I am going to attack him everyday over this. He agreed to marriage counseling, but I know we won't be able to afford it. If you have time, please respond.

 

Thanks again,

SusanElizabeth

[LoveNoLoss]

way to find out! I can't imagine listening to all the evidence.. man... he got busted. I guess the first thing in my mind would be if he has done this before. I find it interesting that a girl just started kissing him on the neck? and then whammo?? I would really press for his history of cheating.....if there indeed is one, which I suspect.

 

I hate to be a stats person in such an emotional ride but 60 percent of men cheat in their marriage..... 40 percent of women do. I suspect it is MUCH higher than that. When you think about it, the numbers are against us. Call me cynical but with numbers like that, anyone getting married should NEVER think they are immune to this kind of thing. Being prepared for the worst is best I think.

 

However, in your case that is just 20/20 hindsight. I worry about your last posting.You are making excuses for your husbands behavior. ie. not feeling like a man, issues at work.... gee that's nice. I guess that gives 99 percent of the men out there an excuse to cheat. Please don't make excuses....

 

This is probably the worst thing you will go through next to a health scare. I have had both....infidelity and health scares... Im not sure which one is worse but I can tell you which one I would rather go through again. Here is a hint: HEALTH SCARE.

 

In the coming months, you will have to decide if this man is worthy of your love. MC HAS to be done. You cannot avoid it if your marriage is to work. Do not shove this under the carpet like I did. My husband cheated in the first year of our marriage and I shoved it under the carpet because it was too painful. Big Mistake. I found out again a few years later tha the was still talking to the same bimbo via email and I shoved that under the carpet. Probably the reason I never felt secure again in our marriage and I choose to look outside of our marriage for someone I could trust. All in all.... do you see the mess here? DONT AVOID this issue... it will NOT go away.

 

MC might also help him spill the beans if there is more to his cheating life. If you work through this and there are others that he is holding back.... it's pointless.

 

So sorry this has happened.

[StillHurtin]

" I find it interesting that a girl just started kissing him on the neck? and then whammo??"

 

That is how my H's A started, well, at least that is how my H found out the exOW was interested him. It wasn't until 3 years later after the bite on his neck she gave him at the company Christmas party.

 

I know I got all sorts of excuses for my H's A. Practically the same ones as the original poster. I am in no way sticking up for him, or saying he had valid excuses for what he did. What he did there is NO excuse for. There is no excuses for being unfaithful to your S. If a person wants to screw around w/ other ppl, get a D and don't go running back to the BS when you find out the grass isn't greener on the other side.

 

Just b/c a person files for a D, gets involved w/ someone else, and decides later they want the M to work doesn't mean it's ok, IMO. If you really want to screw around then end your M, for good.

[dresden]

SusanElizabeth, I thought HarleyGirl's advice was dead-on. I keep finding out more details and then dwelling on them. If you find a way out of your pain, let me know how.

[Jolene]

Leopards don't change their spots.

 

He had a moral obligation to protect you from getting AIDS at the very very least.

 

Very selfish man!!!!

 

What kind of life will you have now that you do not trust him, and you fear he cannot be forthright or have the strength to resist temptations?

 

He was protecting himself....from getting busted!!! And how many other times have there been and will there be in the future now that he has slipped up.

 

Is he afraid you will take, ummmm.....gee I dunno....50% of the assets you've accumulated over the past XX years?

 

Take him to the cleaners girlfriend!!!!!!!!! Get what you deserve, which is not demoralized, broken hearted and left alone in your forties or fifties.

 

Can the bastard!

[harleygirl92156]

Ok Jolene,

 

Settle down. My guess is you have been cheated on and it affected your mind in a bad way

 

OR

 

 

You have never been cheated on (or just haven't discovered it yet) and have no frickin clue what it feels like!!!!!

 

It is a lot more complicated than just can the bastard and take his assets.

 

Grow up, that kind of discussion isn't helpful to someone in the kind of pain she is in. If you can't be constructive or compassionate for her feelings just read don't talk or type.

[Jolene]

Think what you want, but feeling sorry for her is allowing her to stew in the role of "victim" which people will get tired of real fast.

 

I guess I've been hanging around lawyers too long, which is why I say just get to the courthouse girlfriend.

 

Why would anyone want to sugar-coat this and waste time wondering about details? Next time (hopefully there won't be one), she might have a nervous breakdown if she hasn't already. I do sympathize with this poster, and I've had some really crappy cards laid on my table, but I've not been cheated on...if only that were all I had to deal with. No, I've been through much worse, but it's all about your ability to bounce back and it is so disappointing to find out that people are tired of listening to your sad sad story.

 

On a more positive note to the poster, if you really really really think you can find that happy place with him again and truly truly believe he will be faithful to you (for sure for sure) without you looking over your shoulder or making extra effort to check up on him, then yes put your best foot forward and you will be happy. And then give him the best gift anyone can ever give to another person......true and unrelenting forgiveness. It is a powerful powerful gift.

 

It's up to you to decide if there's hope. That's all. It's hard for a long time, but maybe there's hope. Only you know this. Sorry for the edge on my previous post. I like to advocate for people's rights, and your story touched me.

[susanelizabeth]

Thanks for the additional feedback. Just so you all know, I am the last person who will be or has been making excuses for my husband and what he has done to our marriage. My reason for bringing up those things that I mentioned, ie; not being happy at work, not making enough money, not feeling good about himself was the result of reading about the subject of adultery and why people cheat in various self help books. These were reasons presented to me, not ones that I conjured up. Really, the easiest thing for me to do would be to blame myself and say that I must have done something to cause him to stray and it is taking everything in my power not to do so becauseI have that tendency. HOWEVER, I know that he made his own choices. He was not a victim, he chose to act on whatever feelings he was having. IF he was feeling badly about himself, I am quite sure that the few minutes of sexual gratification did not really make him feel better. I don't think that I was clear in the first post as to how it started. Apparently this girl had tried to kiss him one day and he didn't go for it. Then it happened again and he did go for it. So I don't think that she just happened to walk up to him one day and kiss him on the neck afterwhich he dropped his pants and boned her. I'm sure there was more to it than that. My guess is that she had been trying to get with him for a while, he probably avoided it for awhile and then one thing led to another. To answer a question from a previous post about whether there was any indication of whether or not he thought his behavior was wrong when talking to this family member, the answer is yes. He blabbed the incident, then said that he stopped the interaction right away and told her that he couldn't do that anymore. After that the conversation changed because they were leaving the restaurant parking lot. What I can't figure out is why the subject came up. They weren't talking about women. I heard the conversation leading up to it and there was no "guy talk" b.s. about anyone. They were in the restaurant eating, talking about food, then they talked about his brother, then they were yelling at his sister to hurry up and get in her car so that they could leave. The connection was clear as day so I know I didn't miss anything. The family member that was with him didn't even react to what he said. It was really stupid. It made no sense. It was like it came up out of the blue solely for the purpose of me finding out about it. I'm sure that is not what he expected to gain out of telling his story. I don't know if he has been faithful otherwise. I guess that I may never know. I can't imagine that if it was happening regularly that he would just happen to bring up this little slut from a year ago and no one else. He couldn't even get someone his own age. If he was bragging, wouldn't he want to tell his buddies what a player he is? All I know is that I am hurting like I never thought I could. I really don't know which way is up right now and I am not sure what to do with all of this hurt. I just want it to go away. I want that safety and security back in our marriage.

[susanelizabeth]

Also, I took a chance on laying my little story out here, thinking that maybe some feedback from others going through similar situations may help me put things in perspective. BUT, I am not going to get in a pissing war over who has had the harder life and tougher trials. I have not asked anyone to feel sorry for me, just for some helpful feedback and suggestions that may help me along my way. If I shared some feeling with that so be it. I don't think that is a crime. No one I know even knows that this has happened so I certainly don't have to worry about people getting tired of me playing the victim role as someone said. Tell me what this site is for ~ I am very curious. People come here for help don't they?People have a right to express their opinions. I am a writer and I respect that. But please be careful about passing judgement on others. You may hurt someone that is in a very fragile state already. I don't have any family and I don't have any friends that I can trust with this information. So here I am. Sorry if my questions or the way that I presented the information offended your sensibilities. I was just looking for someone to talk to.

 

Thanks to those of you who provided constructive ideas and suggestions. I do appreciate the time that you took to respond.

[deesgirl]

"But then she did it another time and he f**ked the s**t out of her. It was so good that he went back for more another time - got a hotel room."

 

This doesn't sound like bragging to you? It also sounds like his 'mistake' turned into two mistakes?

 

I'm not trying to be mean to you at all. I know you are in pain. I also know why you are making excuses. Your whole world is turned upside down and you are trying to straighten it back up because you want to feel like you did before.

 

If your husband had a one night stand, felt like crap about it, came to you and told you, then begged your forgiveness I might think he was worth another chance.

 

Instead he:

Showed a woman he worked with that he was interested enough for her to try to kiss him multiple times.

Let her kiss him on the neck.

Slept with her.

Preplanned sleeping with her again, by getting a hotel room.

Never told you.

Bragged to his family member.

Got caught.

Lied to you about him knowing you were on the phone.

Admits it finally, but wants you to 'get over it'.

 

10 years down the line I don't want you coming back here talking about his multiple affairs. I want you to realize that he will probably do it again and get out now. Find someone that respects you.

 

There are men out there that don't cheat. Don't you deserve that?

 

((((HUGS)))) to you.

[harleygirl92156]

You have mentioned a few times that she was a lot younger and such. Well, I am an attractive lady, keep my self up, watch my figure (which by the way is killer for a 50 year old grandma!!) and my hubby cheated on me with a woman 5 years older, ugly like you wouldn't believe, think coke bottle glasses, no class, lawn mower hair cut, dark ucky teeth, just plain GROSS. Don't focus for one minute on how this woman looked because looks has nothing to do with it. What does is how the man was feeling at the time.

 

I don't know if it helps, but it hurts just as bad if the OW is ugly and gross, maybe even more because if she was a knock out I might be able to understand it a little more, but when they turn to an a woman who needs a sack over her head over you, you really wonder if your losing it or if they are losing it or if you are just that bad. Then you really wonder about your self worth.

 

Don't focus on that anymore. She doesn't matter. She isn't important. You are. Talk to hubby about your feelings, encourage him to talk about his. Learn to communicate because that is the BIGGEST reason for cheating for both men and women.....lack of communication in the relationship.

 

Throw all the books on infidelity, cheating, etc out. We can get together and have a huge book burning from the sounds of it, I have them all too and now I just wish I had the money I spent on the stupid things. Don't buy anymore. They all say the same thing!!! Use your money and go buy the book, "We Can Work it Out." It is about how to communicate effectively and it has done soooo much more for my husband and I than any of the cheating books. It is worth the money!!!

[LoveNoLoss]

ANY of this. I hope I wasn't one of the people that offended you. There are harsh and judgemental people all over the place including this board.

 

Heck, I stopped posting threads here (i only reply to them now) because I got judged up and down the place for having an affair even though my husband had 7 affairs in our 8 year marriage. I have been called the devil in many different ways.

 

I guess that is the risk we take for posting our personal books on the web. Everyone has their own agenda and background that comes to this board. Infidelity gets people pretty charged up because just about everyone has been affected by it in SOME way. Whether you have been the OW, the cheater or the cheatee, someone gets a negative impact.

 

I do have to agree with Deesgirl regarding his bragging. It DOES sound that way to me. I read somewhere on some board that a guy doesn't go walking down the street and have his pants fall off only to find himself sleeping with a girl.... in other words, its not an accident.

 

She also brings up another point in which I feel VERY strongly about, what are the chances that he will do this again? He isn't continuing this behavior because he got caught... plain and simple. Most men will beg for their wifes to forgive them, give them another chance... etc. There are a few that do not but those are rare.

 

You have to pull out all stops in order to keep this from happening again. However, you must give yourself time. You are in the first phases of pain and you will go through MANY emotions before your mind comes to a rest. When I first found out about my husbands affairs... and then slowly one by one over the course of a few months I lost count. I am only NOW beginning to breathe and we seperated one year ago as of yesterday.

 

There are people who have affairs and then their are serial cheaters....I wouldn't call a person that has 2 affairs or even three affairs (especially years apart in a marriage) a serial cheater.... You do not know your husbands history and he may never come clean. HOWEVER, if you both go to MC, there is a chance that he would come clean. If you want this marriage to work, you both will have to work very hard. If you don't, he may cheat again..... notice I say MAY.

 

If he feels entitled or gets an ego boost from this kind of behavior, I would take note of that for those are hard nuts to crack. These people have little guilt and as I always say, you can't buy guilt off of the store shelf. You either have it or you don't. PERIOD.

 

Did he have enough guilt at that time to keep him from doing it again? Where do you both stand now? Is he willing to work on the marriage?

 

Just a thought but maybe he could move out for a little while so you can think and clear your head....

 

((HUGS))

[Heavenlyflower9]

Hi Susane!

 

I’m very sorry! But I can imagine how you feel and what you must be going through, I’ve been there too. Don’t want to burden you with my long story….

 

Well, MC is a plus, so is Loveshack. I’ve received very helpful advice from everyone here. My H and I are working on strengthening our marriage. The Trust is’nt quite there yet, but he’s working on getting it back. I’ve forgiven him but I will NEVER forget!

 

Does your employer have an Employee helpline? An assistance program for employees, regarding any problems you are having wether financial or personal? Or you could check with your insurance provider. My job at the time, had a program and our first 3 MC visits were at no cost. It helped because we were’nt doing too good money wise. After the 3, my insurance took care of most of the bill and we had to only pay $20 each visit every 2 weeks, not bad as I guess.

 

I totally agree with Harleygirl. Communication is important. I'm gonna check out that book! Thanks Harley!

 

I wish you the best! Take care and keep us updated!

Heavenlyflower

[susanelizabeth]

Well this weekend was like a volcano erupting - it was just a matter of time since we had been walking on eggshells around each other. My husband and I went out on Saturday night. He had told me that we would talk about everything when we got home. He had been telling me that all week so as it got later and later, I was becoming more and more angry because I thought he was just delaying the inevitable. We stopped for something to eat on the way home. We were waiting in line and I was watching food being prepared. My husband says "you checking out the guy behind the counter?" I said "no, just waiting to order". Then he says "you ever f---ed one of these guys?" I said "were you checking out Jennifer?" "Did you f--k Jennifer?". Well this set him off like you would not believe. He called me a slut and told me that he couldn't stand me. Then he left and got in the car. We had already ordered and paid so I was waiting for the food. They needed to know what kind of meat he wanted on his order. When I went to the car to ask him, he wouldn't answer me. He then ran inside and told the guy, slammed the door, got in the car and left. I stood there embarrassed and angry trying to figure out what I would do next. As I walked around the side of the building to start walking home, he pulled up next to me. I got in the car and he started screaming at me about throwing that Jennifer stuff in his face again. He said that all I want to do is start arguments. He said that he didn't know why he was here and that he was going to get out of my house. I told him that he was trying to blame switch to make it easy for him to leave. I told him that if he is unhappy here, he should go. He decided that I said that because I wanted him to leave. I reminded him that he is the one who cheated on me and I have been faithful to him for six years. He said that I was never going to get past this and that he will have to deal with me throwing it in his face every chance I get so why should he stay? Well we were getting no where but in circles and our fighting escalated. He wouldn't listen to me at all. Everytime I would try to talk to him, he would cut me off and yell at me about what a psycho I am. I finally just said "you know what? This isn't working for me anymore. I don't want this in my life. I want you to pack your things and go" He sat on the loveseat and said "okay you want to talk? Talk." well after all the huffing and puffing and screaming about what a horrible person I am, I didn't even have anything to say. All the things that I wanted to talk about wouldn't come to mind. It took me about 15 minutes to gather my thoughts.

 

We actually did have a heart to heart discussion that night about his infidelity and the events surrounding it. I was amazed that we were able to after all of that, but it was like we had just released a whole bunch of stress and anxiety with the fight. We didn't discuss the gory details about the sex and about her specifically. He told me that he didn't tell me about it because he knew it would crush me and he was afraid to do so. He told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he can't imagine a life without me. I asked him that if he feels that way, how was it so easy for this to happen? He said that he doesn't know. He said it was a horrible horrible mistake and he wished that it had never happened. He said that as soon as it was over, he felt worse than before because he came home to me knowing what he had done. I asked him what made him think about it a year later - why did he choose to tell a family member about it? He said that they were just talking and it came up. He said that he was just being stupid and that he was trying to impress Red. Well Red told everyone...Now his whole family knows about it - two parents, nine siblings and their significant others. So payback really is a b---h! His mother called him and talked to him about it and said that he needed to give me time to deal with this - that he can't just expect me to be over it because he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He has had a whole year to deal with his mistake and I am sure that he didn't think that I would ever know about it. He thought he was protecting me. I might believe that, I don't know. I have a friend who has cheated on her husband. She chose to tell me all about it one night. She said that she has not/will not do it again, but that she would never tell Graig because it would hurt him too much. It sucks either way - be hurt or be fooled. I told my husband that this is the last time that I will deal with anything like this. Should he choose to do this to me again, there will be no home to come home to. The locks will be changed, the marriage will be dissolved. I told him that it would be very painful to leave him or to have him leave me, but I would rather deal with that kind of hurt than to have him make a fool out of me. We talked about how we feel about each other. He said that he would like to spend more time with me, go out on dates, vacations, etc. He agreed to go to counseling. I am going to try to find someone who works on a sliding scale that we can afford. We agreed to talk openly and honestly about feelings as they come up. We are going to stop the arguing. The fighting stemmed from the lack of communication. He didn't understand that I needed to talk to him about why it happened not the intimate details. I didn't understand that he needed to trust that I wouldn't throw it back in his face if he tried to talk about his mistake. He knows now that I cannot just forget it and move on. He has acknowledged that it may take me awhile to be comfortable again, but that he wants to make it work. He said that he would do anything necessary to save our marriage.

 

So at this point, I would like to know what suggestions you may have now that we have gotten past "the talk" and are ready to rebuild the marriage. Please share your thoughts.

 

Thanks.

[onlyhuman]

Dear Suzan.

 

I really feel for you! This type of news is never good especially in the way that you found out.

If it happened to me I guess I would need some time just to decide what it is I want.I would find myself overwelmed by many conflicting emotions.

If you can get some help for yourself that would be my first move.You really have to be sure which way you want to go with this.

Sometimes life is just so unfair and you just got dealt a big plate of crap!

ANy chance of you getting away by yourself to think this out?

[susanelizabeth]

So things have been going as well as possible given the circumstances. However, yesterday I woke up with a horrible thought in my head that stayed with me all day. I promised my husband that we would work on rebuilding our marriage rather than running it into the ground by fighting about an incident that can't be eliminated or changed. We both made that promise. But yesterday I was going crazy thinking about CONDOMS. Yes, he used a condom ladies and gentleman. I am very thankful that he was smart enough to do so, BUT the thought that is making me crazy is that he must have "planned" for this to happen. He must have known they were going to f--k, or he wouldn't have had the condom with him. So, I spent the day miserable. I wasn't going to bring it up because I knew that it would just create more chaos and anything he said about it wouldn't change what had happened. But at about 7pm I couldn't stand it anymore. I asked him if he made it a habit to keep a condom with him "just in case" He said "no, I don't carry condoms with me" I asked him how he happened to have one that night and he said that he asked one of the guys he worked with for one. So i said that he lied to me, it couldn't have "just happened" if he had time to ask someone for the condom, or if he went to buy them or whatever. He must have been expecting to do something inappropriate with this girl. Anyway, it doesn't ultimately matter, but these are the things hat I obsess about. It does no good for me to focus on these little things when I have already made the decision to move ahead. Anyway, he told me that we had a few really nice days together and that I was spoiling the progress that we had made over the past week. So then it took us awhile to get back on track again. Thoughts, anyone?

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry but your H was a jerk at the restuarant! How dare he ask you if you f@cked one of the guys that worked there! WTF is wrong w/ him? Sounds like something my H would of done in the past and I finally told him to stop brining up my past. If he expects me to stop bringing up his exOW then he needs to stop bringing up my past, the past I had b4 I even knew him.

 

 

Then your H stormed out of the restuarant and left you standing there feeling like a fool? He seems to have a lot of anger issues he needs to work on.

 

I hope you two get the help you need to work on your M. Like your mil said, this maybe a year old for him but you just found out. He can't expect you to just get over it.

 

I am confused about the condom? Did you just recently find it, did I miss that part? If he doesn't use a condom w/ you, WTH does he have one? He is lying to you, big time, I am so sorry. You two need to get into MC ASAP.

 

And honestly, sounds like he needs to take some IC for his anger.

[LoveNoLoss]

regardless of whether he planned for it or not, he still had the affair right? Does planning it make it worse? Also, I worry about your health. You really don't know if he used a condom or not. Many men in affairs do not use condoms. My STBX did not use condoms and he was with numerous women. I have since been checked and I am clean although I do worry about HPV which can show up at a later time.

 

Have you been checked for STD's?

[lust4life]

damage control. He does not understand how full disclosure is imparative to your healing!

 

He is trying to turn the focus off himself and onto you so that he doesn't have to come clean with all the info.

 

Make an appt for std testing for him and yourself. Take control and tell him he will help you heal your way and he will not push you to JUST get over something that there is just no getting over.

 

Look up ptsd and infidelity. You will understand the trauma of this betrayal is just like ptsd for other major traumas in life. The AVERAGE length of time to feel normal again is two year. TWO years! Not a week like hte first time he told you to get over it and not now at just a few months!

 

You will not heal without all the info. You deserve all the info.

 

I have to tell you. Almost all cheaters say- We didn't have sex, it was just one time, I used a condom, I never cheated before- my husband in is that list of almost all cheaters! He lied, lied and lied some more to do damage control. Sitting here miles away, do "I" believe your Husband used a rubber? NO way. I don't. Ask him to back his story up with a lie detector. It will be the best money you ever spent. After more than 6 months of digiging up more dirt on my own husbands he finally told me the whole story. it was not his first affair- well, I had already dug up another woman so he wasn't telling me anything new. He didn't use rubbers I asked her. Damage control from the cheater can last years IF YOU ALLOW IT. After my husband swore he told me everything I then set the polygraph appt. and accompanied him there- he past. He had now told me everything there was to know.

 

The polygraph tester http://www.polytest.org told me most women drop the appt the day off because they figure he must be telling the truth if he is willing to go. Also, that many men truly believe they will go in there and beat the test.

 

I think you are being a little less aggressive than it is necessary for you to heal. He is not being forthright and he is trying to get you to get over it because he doesn't want you to find out the whole truth. I am not being mean, I am being so factual. After almost three years of researching and learning about infidelity and those that cheat- your husbands behavior is so typical of a cheater that is still hiding information.

[LoveNoLoss]

Lust4Life,

 

I wanted to send you a PM but it won't let me. Do you accept them? I wanted to ask you a few questions but I didn't want to hi jack this thread.