My husband and his indiscretion

[lust4life]

I dont know about the PM just start another post with ?s. I will look for it.

[susanelizabeth]

The thing is...he was asking if I had f----d one of the guys behind the counter totally out of the blue. I have never cheated on my husband, ever. So there was no bringing up my past, etc. In another conversation I had told him that I had been hit on before, but had always told men that I am happily married and that I love my husband or something of that sort. He seemed kinda mad that I was getting hit on, like I have control over other people's actions. He was mad that I hadn't told him that someone hit on me. I told him that he should be flattered by it - heck, women hit on him all the time and I can be standing right next to him when it happens. It never bothered me until now. He should feel proud to be with someone that is thought of as attractive. My point in bringing up that I had been hit on was simply why couldn't he say thanks, but no thanks. So anytime someone comes on to him, he will take it as far as that person will let it go? Is his self esteem that low?

 

I do believe that he used a condom, because in the original conversation with the family member he said that he had to go back to work early the next morning because he needed to make sure that the condom wrapper wasn't still there - he was afraid that his boss would see it. He wasn't just telling me because at that point he didn't know I was on the phone.

 

Sorry - everything is jumbled up right now. I just happened to remember the condom part two days ago which seemed to send me into a new spin. Its like you take one step forward and two steps back. It is very frustrating.

[New_Wife]

Oh Honey, You are not giving yourself enough credit. These "little things" that you are "obsessing over" - they are your mind's way of trying to tell you something you don't want to hear. Pay attention to them!!! Many of us did not and ended up worse for the wear. Unfaithful husbands bring home much more than flowers.

 

Reading your posts, a lot of alarms went off for me. First and foremost - how he was busted. If he felt so bad, he'd NEVER brag about it. Think about something mortifying you have done in your life - something so painful or wrong that you still internally cringe when you remember it. Do you brag about it? NO WAY.

 

Second, why in the world is he giving YOU so much grief? Another hypothetical: you're backing out of your driveway, and you mow him down as he is bending over to pick up a newspaper & you don't see him. He's in traction with broken bones for a bit & gets the shakes whenever you get behind the wheel. Now in this scenario - it's an innocent accident - but it works the same. Do you yell at him for his fears? Do you get irate when he's not healing fast enough? Do you accuse him of backing over others with cars? How insane is that? What would a truly repentant person act like? You know the answers - your brain is screaming them at you - you just don't want to hear. I don't blame you. I've been you. But I'd like to save you some of the heartache that follows when you're with a person like this.

 

Whatever you decide to do or not do - please start giving yourself a bit more credit for your own feelings and observations. They will very rarely steer you wrong - despite his protestations. From what you've written, this person is not sorry for his actions - just that you found out about them. Remember, trust is fleeting - but herpes is forever. Considering that nearly 40% of all sexually active adults currently have HPV virus (warts - cause cervical cancer) and another 25% carry Herpes (both uncurable) - ask yourself - do you trust him THAT much?

[veronese]

Honey, my heart goes out to you, it really does. 16 months ago I found out my husband of 17 years had been lying to me, seeing an ex girlfriend. Like you, the shock and pain sent me into a whirlwind of overwhelming torment.

 

I can only give advice based on personal experience....

 

My husband confessed only as much as he had to, without exception each and every revelation was brought about by my obsessive need for more information (my investigative skills are quite impressive now). This nightmare is only in its infancy for you, there is no possibility of this betrayal being resolved, accepted, forgiven for quite some time yet. You will almost inevitably discover additional, unsavoury and wounding facts and details about your husband's past indiscretions and weakness of character. The confusion you will be experiencing will continue and you will experience emotions and torment you previously believed unimaginable.

 

For me the realisation of losing who I thought my husband was, the man I was in love with and respected, was the hardest thing of all. I kind of mourned our marriage, the family i thought we had. Even the happy years we had shared together with our young children became soiled and stained when I reviewed them in a new light.

 

It sounds like your love for him is great enough to try to work though your problems together. I echo your sentiments about there being no room for future indiscretions or betrayals. I also felt that so long as I had enough strength and desire, I wanted to respect my marriage vows (even if he hadn't) and attempt to repair the damage and address whatever underlying issues existing in our marriage that had allowed him to have chosen this path of deceit and me to have quite remarkably created a romantic illusion of life and my world.

 

If he gets pissed off with your whining, questioning, dramatic and unattractive displays of suffering, don't go worrying yourself about driving him away because of it. If you both agree that you want to save your marriage, you both have to work hard to make it happen. These first few months are the hardest and most devastating for you both. But you must allow yourself to go through whatever turmoil you feel, and he in turn must accept that this is a natural repercussion of his behaviour. Don't apologise, you have every right to feel how you do. How would he expect you to be reacting? Your response to this is due to your love and commitment to him. I doubt you would react similarly had you not be in love with him.

 

Nothing makes sense right now. Each day is a challenge. But as someone has already mentioned, if both spouses decide to save a marriage, it can and usually does take two years or so to work through the issues. I decided to give it this long so long as i possible could, and on half a dozen occassions through this journey I have felt so weak and crazy I have requested a separation.

 

It didn't happen, we're still together, it does get easier....

 

My thoughts are with you right now, it's a very lonely, dark time but we do understand.

 

Big hugs

 

V x

[susanelizabeth]

so I am still suspicious, but trying to work through it. My husband has been on his best behavior, but it could be just to avoid confrontation. We'll see. We have all sorts of family drama going on besides our problems and I'm not sure if it is helping or hindering. Perhaps its good to shift our focus on helping others for a while. Then we can come back to our situation with a different perspective. My husband has been very attentive and our sex life has improved immensely. It just makes me wonder why it wasn't like that before. I still feel like there was something I could have done differently to avoid what happened. I know, I know, it is not my fault that he cheated, but don't men do this to get something that they are not getting at home? I keep thinking about what may have been lacking at the time, and all I can come up with is admiration for him in the silly teenage, googly eye kind of way. I absolutely adore my husband and I am very affectionate. Perhaps this girl - I can't even call her a woman - was infatuated with him, following him around like a puppy dog, and that did something for his ego that a mature relationship wasn't doing. I told him that we had gotten too comfortable, that we should have been paying more attention to each others needs. He says that it was just a really awful, stupid mistake and that it is history never to be repeated again. I say that things happen for a reason and that we need to learn from it. Anyway, his son is staying with us through Thursday, so we have no privacy, no real time to deal with "us". This weekend we are supposed to be visiting his family in Wisconsin. I am very nervous about going, because they all know what happened. I feel humiliated even though they should be looking to him as the bad guy. I just want this week over with. This is very tiring.