LDR: Complacency in relationship :(

[Medlimoments]

Hi all,

 

I have been with my boyfriend in an LDR for over 3 years now and I am very much in love with him and I know he feels the same, which is why I'm having such a difficult time right now.

 

These past few weeks - months even - I have noticed that he has become a bit.. lazy? About our relationship. It seems he doesn't really put in effort as much as I do anymore. Nowadays, I'm usually the first one to call or ask to talk, and Skype him. I have mentioned this before but his response is, "It doesn't matter who calls/texts first, we end up talking anyway" which I'm sure is fine for a lot of people but for me, I hate feeling as if our relationship is one-sided. In addition, he doesn't like to videochat much and sometimes when I ask he just says he "doesn't feel like it". He said it doesn't bother him if we don't talk on the phone for four or even like five days, whereas he used to call me every single day! I'm not sure if he's just become super used to our relationship and doesn't feel the need to really do much for it, maybe he expects I can do all the work. I know he loves me alot, we have managed to make this work despite the 14 hour time difference (he lives in Japan, I'm in the US) and cultural differences, but now it seems like he's being a bit complacent of our relationship. He often forgets (like today) to text me back or tell me goodnight when he goes to bed and ends up replying hours later. Also, he's just more short-tempered these days. Hence another reason I feel like I can't really bring all of this up to him, without him being defensive.

 

BTW, we have seen eachother numerous times in real life. He has flown here to see me 4 times already and I visited him back in December. When we are together, it's perfect, we rarely argue and he acts so sweet to me. It just seems to change when we're apart.

 

How should I go about this? I thought either, stop texting and calling first and back off a bit (let him do it) or, just straight up talk to him about it without playing games. I do not want to break up.

 

Thank you.

[basil67]

My guess is that he's in the process of checking out. You say that he is very much in love with you, but his actions are showing otherwise.

 

Long term LD is very difficult to keep up. What are your plans for being together?

[hippychick3]

It sounds like he is slowly moving on from this relationship, OP. 5 visits in 3 years is not enough to grow and sustain a relationship. I can't imagine it's fulfilling for either of you. My guess is he's interested in someone who lives closer to him but doesn't want to hurt you.

[Medlimoments]

My guess is that he's in the process of checking out. You say that he is very much in love with you, but his actions are showing otherwise.

 

Long term LD is very difficult to keep up. What are your plans for being together?

 

Well about a month ago we took a break from talking for a few days due to an argument. I think if he wanted to end things he would have left by then. Right now im in college so we can't just get up and,go see eachother whenever. Our plan is to wait until I graduate next year for him to move here.

[Medlimoments]

It sounds like he is slowly moving on from this relationship, OP. 5 visits in 3 years is not enough to grow and sustain a relationship. I can't imagine it's fulfilling for either of you. My guess is he's interested in someone who lives closer to him but doesn't want to hurt you.

 

I honestly don't think it's somebody else. He's just not the cheating type.

[basil67]

Well about a month ago we took a break from talking for a few days due to an argument. I think if he wanted to end things he would have left by then. Right now im in college so we can't just get up and,go see eachother whenever. Our plan is to wait until I graduate next year for him to move here.

 

Not necessarily. Some people taper off a relationship gradually before ending it. What were you fighting about? Could the issue have something to do with him losing interest?

 

Also, if you can't move together for another year or so, it's just going to get worse.

[basil67]

I honestly don't think it's somebody else. He's just not the cheating type.

 

Says just about everyone who's been blindsided by a cheating partner.

 

How is he getting his needs for proximity met while you're on the other side of the earth? He's either not getting them met at all, or getting them met by someone else. Either way, it's not good.

[justwhoiam]

we have seen eachother numerous times in real life

"Numerous" equals "amounting to a large number", and I'm afraid 5 times can't qualify as such.

 

I thought either, stop texting and calling first and back off a bit (let him do it)

Stop doing both altogether, right away.

 

or, just straight up talk to him about it without playing games

Yes, before proceeding with the above step, you can warn him that he's going to lose you if he continues with his current behavior. The extent of effort he will put into the relationship will speak for itself.

 

I do not want to break up

This can happen, regardless of what you want.

[Whodatdog]

LDRs can work, but only if there is enormous effort put into them. More than a normal relationship. Seeing someone 5 times in 3 years does nothing to nuture a relationship. It would be hard enough if you could see each other every 3 or 4 months, but for what you've done, theres no life in the relationship. Both sides have to put a lot of effort in it, because so much can be taken the wrong way from what has been said, or what hasnt been said.

 

I cant imagine this lasting another year.

[Medlimoments]

Not necessarily. Some people taper off a relationship gradually before ending it. What were you fighting about? Could the issue have something to do with him losing interest?

 

Also, if you can't move together for another year or so, it's just going to get worse.

 

It was basically the same thing~ how i feel as if he doesnt put as much effort into us as he used to. He had no idea I felt this way and became defensive saying he does all this stuff for me to,make me happy, such as sending me gifts and spending 2000 on us while I visited him, etc. I admit I did kind of hold my emotions in that time then just suddenly go off on him but I just had to say something. After our break (only like 2-3 days) he acted a bit better and told,me he really missed me and didn't want to go any longer without contact. But eventually it came back to this point, and now we are here.

 

I thought about mentioning that we need to work on him moving here sooner than planned as I do fear it will become worse if something doesn't change.

[Medlimoments]

"Numerous" equals "amounting to a large number", and I'm afraid 5 times can't qualify as such.

 

Stop doing both altogether, right away.

 

Yes, before proceeding with the above step, you can warn him that he's going to lose you if he continues with his current behavior. The extent of effort he will put into the relationship will speak for itself.

 

This can happen, regardless of what you want.

 

Thank you. Your post really helped. I think I will definitely tell him I'm not going to stick around if this continues with him. And like you said, its then up to him to change or not afterwards. Thank you for not jumping to conclusions with my post, and giving me advice as to how to approach the situation.

[codest]

OP: Please take a look at my post and see if you notice any similarities by chance:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/617752-anna-things-unsaid

 

(Warning: It is a long post )

 

Just recently I was in the shoes of your boyfriend, and I realized too late what I'd done by acting like he did. No other woman or lack of love was involved, just overthinking stuff and not being myself when I needed that most.

[Els]

3 years is a very long time to be in a LDR, unfortunately. Even in local relationships, after 3 years the honeymoon phase has waned, so it takes a bit more effort than before to keep the R healthy and alive. However, in local Rs you get immediate "positive feedback" - you get to cuddle, have sex, go out on dates, do all the things together that make you feel good. So you always feel like the effort being put into the R "pays off", so to speak.

 

LDRs are many times harder, because the immediate positive feedback is lacking. For a year or so they may be manageable, but they really do get exponentially harder with time especially if you are young and just starting out in life. Lets not mince words - long-term LDRs are not enjoyable in the here and now, they are purely an investment... and the longer the investment continues without any 'payoff', the less enthusiastic people get.

 

So, unfortunately, after 3 years I think your bf's response is normal. It's not fair to you or to the relationship... but it's normal.

 

What I think you should do is to prioritize your studies and friends/hobbies. After you graduate, reevaluate the R and see if the two of you want to take the leap of faith to move to the same place.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to hear this, OP.

 

I think he is losing interest in the relationship and that you're not wrong to be concerned.

 

You two are incredibly far apart and haven't spent a lot of time together in person, relatively-speaking. For many, it would just be too much distance after a while. It appears that's probably the case for him too.

 

I know he said he didn't want to continue the break, but his actions are demonstrating that he's not particularly invested either. The only thing you can really do is talk to him and ask what he honestly sees in the future for you two.

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP, make no mistake, he is checking out of the relationship and not wanting to hurt you by coming right out to say that. He's Japanese and confrontation is not a social norm or tendency. You have seen each other 5x in three years and that is far from adequate. Unless there is or was a plan to be together, a real plan set in motion, this relationship was never going to work. He doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and finding someone local is vastly easier than dating someone from another ENTIRELY different culture/country/set of values.

 

I have successfully maneuvered a ltr to fruition, but it wasn't over 12 time zones and we met at least once a month for only about a year. We had a definite plan in place and both were working towards fulfilling the plan. Talked almost daily to keep each other's spirit up and maintaining constant communication. Like others have said, local relationships are hard enough, but LDR require MUCH more effort in every area!

 

As someone else said, let him know that he may lose you, but don't be surprised if there is a short-term spike in engagement followed by a return to complacency. In a way, letting him know that he may lose you provides some weird unloading of weight off his back on this. But, you don't have a choice.

 

Good luck.

[Medlimoments]

OP, make no mistake, he is checking out of the relationship and not wanting to hurt you by coming right out to say that. He's Japanese and confrontation is not a social norm or tendency. You have seen each other 5x in three years and that is far from adequate. Unless there is or was a plan to be together, a real plan set in motion, this relationship was never going to work. He doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and finding someone local is vastly easier than dating someone from another ENTIRELY different culture/country/set of values.

 

I have successfully maneuvered a ltr to fruition, but it wasn't over 12 time zones and we met at least once a month for only about a year. We had a definite plan in place and both were working towards fulfilling the plan. Talked almost daily to keep each other's spirit up and maintaining constant communication. Like others have said, local relationships are hard enough, but LDR require MUCH more effort in every area!

 

As someone else said, let him know that he may lose you, but don't be surprised if there is a short-term spike in engagement followed by a return to complacency. In a way, letting him know that he may lose you provides some weird unloading of weight off his back on this. But, you don't have a choice.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for this. Unfortunately we got into an argument once I brought it up. Long story short, he felt like taking another break while I said we need to videochat and talk about this. He still refused, so I told him you're losing me. I didnt amswer back his text. I suppose we've broken up, idk, my mind is all boggled right now

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to hear the latest, OP. It sounds like it will be for the best, though. He was very clearly losing interest in the relationship and there's no point trying to keep it going when he doesn't want to be there.

[justwhoiam]

I told him you're losing me. I didnt amswer back his text. I suppose we've broken up, idk, my mind is all boggled right now

Let me guess. Was his text unrelated to anything you said? Or was he trying to talk it out and you shut down because he wouldn't go on cam? To talk it out and find a solution, you can also be on a call, video is a plus maybe but not essential.

[Medlimoments]

Let me guess. Was his text unrelated to anything you said? Or was he trying to talk it out and you shut down because he wouldn't go on cam? To talk it out and find a solution, you can also be on a call, video is a plus maybe but not essential.

 

I mentioned earlier that he just wouldn't bother to talk it out anymore, he simply wanted another break. I told him i have given my all and not felt I received the same effort back. He said, "I feel sorry for you" (whatever that means, sarcastically) so I did not answer back. So in fact, he's the one who shut down

[ExpatInItaly]

I mentioned earlier that he just wouldn't bother to talk it out anymore, he simply wanted another break. I told him i have given my all and not felt I received the same effort back. He said, "I feel sorry for you" (whatever that means, sarcastically) so I did not answer back. So in fact, he's the one who shut down

 

The bottom line is that someone who valued you and was concerned about repairing the relationship would not have responded that way.

 

I think the writing is on the wall. He's over it, unfortunately.

[yamaposi]

I do not think people who has no idea who he is can talk for his heart.

How do they know he was moving out of the relationship?

Was he really? Did he not try to solve it at all by telling you how he feels?

Did he really go for another girl behind your back after dating for so long?

I think he would be so depressed if he found out that you posted this looking for answers from complete strangers who has no idea who you and your boyfriend are. If he saw all these people saying he found a local girl, was done with the relationship, he lost interests, even though none of it was true, how would you think he would feel?

He could be really sad, dissapointed, and surprised how much trust he has lost.

[Medlimoments]

I do not think people who has no idea who he is can talk for his heart.

How do they know he was moving out of the relationship?

Was he really? Did he not try to solve it at all by telling you how he feels?

Did he really go for another girl behind your back after dating for so long?

I think he would be so depressed if he found out that you posted this looking for answers from complete strangers who has no idea who you and your boyfriend are. If he saw all these people saying he found a local girl, was done with the relationship, he lost interests, even though none of it was true, how would you think he would feel?

He could be really sad, dissapointed, and surprised how much trust he has lost.

 

I came here to try to get others' input about it.. I felt lost as to what to do at the time. I left out a whole lot of the good times of our relationship and a lot of information. However, I know whenever someone says something that's complete nonsense, such as you finding someone else or being over it, of course I know better than that. And I know you better than everyone here. Thats why as soon as people started assuming, I stopped listening to that and stopped going on here, because I realized something, it doesn't matter what anyone is gonna say or thinks. I didn't take anyone's advice but my own. Nobody knows our history, our true feelings, our personalities and I know that. They don't and wouldn't understand our circumstance and how much we love eachother. It was just a snapshot of our relationship, not a representation of our time for three years together.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, to be fair, what is he currently doing to prove those assumptions wrong?

 

I don't necessarily think he's got another girl, but based on that snapshot of your relationship you provided us, he's certainly not acting very interested any more either. I'm not saying your relationship was all bad, but the current situation isn't looking very good to you, is it?

 

I know it's not what you were hoping to hear, but interested men act interested. It really is that simple. Instead, he's distancing himself and asking for breaks.

[justwhoiam]

He could be really sad, dissapointed

That'd be great, so for once he'd understand how his girlfriend feels.

 

I know you better than everyone here.

Is yamaposi your dear boyfriend? Find a private place to discuss all this. We're not on an episode of The Bold and The Beautiful here.

 

I just got one thing here: to make your relationship work, you need to accept not to have your needs met. If that sounds like a good deal to you, go on with it. Good luck.