Ex GF (Dumper) just called me after a month of NC

[trustyourself]

So a slight break in regular schedule from her.

 

She texted me again this week, breaking the 4 week cycle and reducing it to 2. haha.

 

No I miss you's this time, but she was texting me about how she felt bad, because her best friends bicycle got stolen because she did not lock up their bikes correctly. Her best friend said this wouldnt have happened if I had been there. lol

 

She then texted saying maybe we could go on a ride some time. (This was one of our shared interests)

 

I did not respond.

 

Going out of the country for 2 weeks to visit family and get some much needed RnR. I am hoping the change of scenery will clear my mind even more.

[bluefeather]

Her best friend said this wouldnt have happened if I had been there. lol

 

Why "lol?" That doesn't sound funny at all. She's using one of her friends to coerce you to give her attention. Have a very nice trip away and re-center yourself.

[trustyourself]

Why "lol?" That doesn't sound funny at all. She's using one of her friends to coerce you to give her attention. Have a very nice trip away and re-center yourself.

 

The lol is me laughing at the absurdity of these breadcrumbs she throws out.

 

It's useful to post up here and hear peoples opinions. Thank you all for listening to my rambling, it helps a lot

[jamili]

So a slight break in regular schedule from her.

 

She texted me again this week, breaking the 4 week cycle and reducing it to 2. haha.

 

No I miss you's this time, but she was texting me about how she felt bad, because her best friends bicycle got stolen because she did not lock up their bikes correctly. Her best friend said this wouldnt have happened if I had been there. lol

 

She then texted saying maybe we could go on a ride some time. (This was one of our shared interests)

 

I did not respond.

 

Going out of the country for 2 weeks to visit family and get some much needed RnR. I am hoping the change of scenery will clear my mind even more.

 

Oh breadcrumbs....

 

Stay NC

[trustyourself]

So about 5 weeks ago I get another round of text messages.

 

Saying she wants me to come over and talk, that she misses me, that she loves me. I am a good man, we could have a good relationship/future together.

 

I was away on vacation, and told her that I would only be back in 10 days. She calls me and we talked. I told her she really needed to think things through, and decide exactly what it is she wanted. She tells me the heart wants what it wants, blah blah.

 

Over the next few days, she is texting me, telling me that she cant stop smiling, she is so happy that we might give it another go.

 

Then...

 

Silence.

 

I was kind of expecting it, so I was not too bothered.

 

Then she texts me two weeks later in the morning with another "I miss you". I ignore it.

 

The next weekend she texts me again, so I decided enough was enough. I called her, and asked her what exactly it is that she wants, and if its not to work things out and give it another go, then it needs to stop.

 

She sounded sheepish, and said she was not ready, that she is making lots of new friends and concentrating on that blah blah. I told her thats great, I got to go, so take care of yourself.

 

She responds with " I will talk to you later"

 

Anyway, the good thing is I have not heard anything for two weeks now.

 

Summer is here, and I plan to make the most of it.

 

Just needed to vent. Tired of being the emotional backup.

 

Not looking for any advice, or comments on her mindset. Its pretty clear.

 

I hope all of you are doing well.

[dumbass2]

Her "I'll talk to you later"

You " no, it's over for good so please do not contact me again"

 

As hard as it might be you tell her not to contact you any more. Don't let her believe that it is okay to just contact you out of the blue anytime she feels like she needs attention. Hopefully you can now fully move on.

[trustyourself]

Hey all,

 

I posted here about 6 months ago regarding my breakup, and wanted to share some recent developments.

 

About 3 weeks ago, after mostly NC, she reached out to me and asked to meet up to talk about some things. I told her in no uncertain terms that I can not be her friend, so it was probably not a good idea. Her response was that she had some things to tell me. Can we meet in the city, and go to the bar we first met in?

 

I agreed, and we did so. At the bar, she told me that she wanted to get back together, and asked if I would be her boyfriend again. After a little discussion about better communication and honesty, I agreed, though stated it might be a little too soon.

 

We went on two dates over a 7 day period, then she spent a week visiting her sister in Texas. The first 3 days she was very communicative, and was texting me all the time, telling me she missed me, wished I was there, blah blah. Then it started petering off. She would still text, but maybe once or twice a day and it felt very disconnected. She told me she had met a bunch of people at her hostel, and they hung out a few times in the evenings.

 

Anyway, she came back mid week, and we arranged to go out on Friday. She came over, and when I opened the door, she seemed to be unsure of how to greet me and gave me a hug. It threw me off a bit.

 

We went out to dinner, and I asked her to tell me all about her trip. She told me about hanging out with her sister etc, but didnt really mention the friends she had made, so I asked her about it. She said she met several people at the hostel, and also at a few bars. I asked who they were, and she tells me that it was a group of guys. Due to some previous history, that threw me off, and I felt immediately jealous and insecure.

 

I did not handle it very well, and acted like a bit of an idiot and got all snippy. She obviously got mad at how I was acting so we finished with dinner and headed back to my house.

 

My room mates were there, so we hung out and chatted and things seemed to lighten up and she seemed ok. I had calmed down at this point and was holding her hand, touching her knee etc. Then she got in the hammock outside and asked me to join her. I did and we cuddled for a bit.

 

We decided to go to bed, and we were both pretty tired so went to sleep.

 

When I woke up in the morning, I cuddled with her and then she got up and went to the bathroom. When she came back, we cuddled some more, and then she said we couldnt do anything because it was that time of the month.

 

A short time later, she said she needed to go home, and I asked her if everything was alright? She responded saying she was still a little upset about last night. I apologized and said I was an idiot, and that I still have some insecurity and trust issues that I needed to work through. She said I had them because of things she had done. I agreed, but said it would be ok. She still seemed distant, and I asked her if we were ok. She said she wasnt sure, and that maybe her sister was right. I asked her what she meant, and she told me her sister (who she is very close with) told her that getting back together with me was probably a bad idea. I wasnt sure what to say to that, so I told her we would be ok, and there would be a few bumps on the road back.

 

She said she had to go, so I walked her out. She gave me a big hug and a kiss, and I thought we were ok.

 

She texted me when she got home, and then we texted a bit, and I even got a few lol's during the exchange. I asked her if she wanted to go to the beach, and she said she already had plans to do so with some friends.

 

I texted her a short while later, apologizing for my behavior and asking if we could just take it slow and enjoy each others company.

 

I did not get a response.

 

I texted yesterday acknowledging that its fine if she is upset, or needs some space, but can she let me know where I stand?

 

No response.

 

And here I sit. Pissed off that apparently I am being ghosted.

 

I know I acted like and idiot, but what the hell?

 

So, after all this, what is the cause? Her sisters advice combined with my little tantrum, or did she do something while she was away. Or just second thoughts.

 

She has always been a little immature, but this lack of response is not cool.

[trustyourself]

Just a follow up.

 

I know my stupid insecurity is obviously unattractive, which has likely given her doubts.

 

 

I just want to hear opinions on how to go from here.

 

I guess I just leave it be and go back to NC? I apologized and I guess there is not much else I can do if she does not want to talk to me.

 

I just dont get why she suddenly pulled away.

[Zahara]

Did she go back to her ex after the breakup in March?

[trustyourself]

Did she go back to her ex after the breakup in March?

 

No, she did hang out with him a bit (according to her) but she claims it was just as friends, and that after hanging out a few times, they stopped.

 

Maybe there is a pattern there? hmmm

[Zahara]

No, she did hang out with him a bit (according to her) but she claims it was just as friends, and that after hanging out a few times, they stopped.

 

Well, one can always tell you what you want to hear. You don't have any proof as to what happened between her and the ex.

 

Maybe she went back to him and it didn't work out and she then circled back to you. Now realizing that she can never really be invested in the relationship with you and is using your "reaction" reason as a way to exit again.

 

Or she's emotionally immature and doesn't have the capacity to give you what you want. You received good advice in your last thread -- you chose to revisit this again. And you're getting burned again. Rather than question this and her motives, it would be best to embrace this experience as reinforcement to move on.

[trustyourself]

Well, one can always tell you what you want to hear. You don't have any proof as to what happened between her and the ex.

 

Maybe she went back to him and it didn't work out and she then circled back to you. Now realizing that she can never really be invested in the relationship with you and is using your "reaction" reason as a way to exit again.

 

Or she's emotionally immature and doesn't have the capacity to give you what you want. You received good advice in your last thread -- you chose to revisit this again. And you're getting burned again. Rather than question this and her motives, it would be best to embrace this experience as reinforcement to move on.

 

Yes I did get good advice, that is why I am asking for some more.

 

I did move on, and I did choose to revisit, because even though we had problems, I do love her very much still. I thought maybe we could give it another go. Apparently we can not.

 

I just dont understand the radio silence on her end, and was looking for advice on that.

[Zahara]

Yes I did get good advice, that is why I am asking for some more.

 

I did move on, and I did choose to revisit, because even though we had problems, I do love her very much still. I thought maybe we could give it another go. Apparently we can not.

 

I just dont understand the radio silence on her end, and was looking for advice on that.

 

No one can give you an exact conclusion as to her radio silence. What you take from her reaction and behavior based on your past thread, along with this one is that this relationship is unreliable and unhealthy. And love isn't enough.

 

We could all speculate but it wouldn't mean anything except for you to focus on what's very apparent and try to move on from this.

[springy]

I only glanced over your previous thread, but this sounds like more of the same from her - flakiness/instability. Reconciliation was premature and/or never should have been attempted. Her actions do not indicate that she is serious or sincere about putting things back together. She may have thought so, but perhaps figured out that it isn't want she wanted after all and can't bring herself to tell you that so she's doing it with her actions (inaction) instead.

 

You got to try again and found that it's not going to work. Staying in contact, including allowing ignored texts to come through seems torturous to me. You had quite a long thread about this subject; I am not sure the advice will change much, it's just a matter of following it. It doesn't really sound like you were ever truly nc for any significant amount of time (months, if not years...if not permanently). She hasn't changed.

 

Not all relationships are worthy of a round two, even if that's what we think we want.

[trustyourself]

I only glanced over your previous thread, but this sounds like more of the same from her - flakiness/instability. Reconciliation was premature and/or never should have been attempted. Her actions do not indicate that she is serious or sincere about putting things back together. She may have thought so, but perhaps figured out that it isn't want she wanted after all and can't bring herself to tell you that so she's doing it with her actions (inaction) instead.

 

You got to try again and found that it's not going to work. Staying in contact, including allowing ignored texts to come through seems torturous to me. You had quite a long thread about this subject; I am not sure the advice will change much, it's just a matter of following it. It doesn't really sound like you were ever truly nc for any significant amount of time (months, if not years...if not permanently). She hasn't changed.

 

Not all relationships are worthy of a round two, even if that's what we think we want.

 

Yes you are right. She has not changed. I have been trying to make progress on myself, and this has made realize I still have a long way to go too.

 

I know its the wrong thing to say, but we has some kind of spark and attraction I have never experienced with anyone before. It instantly draws me back in. I guess its time to face reality and realize its not enough.

[bluefeather]

I think when you let her go the first time, you should have kept it that way. She wanted attention, and now that she got what she wanted from you, she's gone again. When she wants more, she might text you again.

[trustyourself]

So she texted me today. She broke up with me after I called her after the text.

 

Apparently here parents told her they dont approve due to our previous issues, and her dad forbade her to see me. (She is from a religious hispanic family) She is 25, but lives with her parents and they are very close. She said she couldnt disrespect them and lie to them about who she was hanging out with.

 

Anyway, how can I fight that?

 

I am pretty dissapointed tbh, but I guess this is closure.

 

This was her main reasoning, but said the way I acted on Friday reinforced what they were telling her.

 

She said she wanted to be friends, I told her no, as I dont want to see her moving on without me.

 

She then said thats probably a good idea, because she didnt want me trying to hook up with her etc when we hang out. She said she doesnt sleep with people she is not in a relationship with.

 

Then 5 minutes later she was talking about that maybe if we hang out every now and then, we might be able to rekindle something. WTF? She is all over the place. She obviously does not know what she wants

 

 

We spoke on the phone for 30 minutes and said our goodbyes. Thats it, chapter closed.

 

I am disappointed, but overly not surprised.

 

 

 

Ugh

Edited July 11, 2017 by trustyourself
adding detail

[Ronnys93]

So she texted me today. She broke up with me after I called her after the text.

 

Apparently here parents told her they dont approve due to our previous issues, and her dad forbade her to see me. (She is from a religious hispanic family) She is 25, but lives with her parents and they are very close. She said she couldnt disrespect them and lie to them about who she was hanging out with.

 

Anyway, how can I fight that?

 

I am pretty dissapointed tbh, but I guess this is closure.

 

This was her main reasoning, but said the way I acted on Friday reinforced what they were telling her.

 

She said she wanted to be friends, I told her no, as I dont want to see her moving on without me.

 

She then said thats probably a good idea, because she didnt want me trying to hook up with her etc when we hang out. She said she doesnt sleep with people she is not in a relationship with.

 

Then 5 minutes later she was talking about that maybe if we hang out every now and then, we might be able to rekindle something. WTF? She is all over the place. She obviously does not know what she wants

 

 

We spoke on the phone for 30 minutes and said our goodbyes. Thats it, chapter closed.

 

I am disappointed, but overly not surprised.

 

 

 

Ugh

 

When someone that is that age uses their parents as an excuse not to see you, it's really THEM not their parents. Trust me! My ex was very much like this. Like you said she's all over the place and doesn't really know what she wants, but you can be sure she doesn't really want you.

[dumbass2]

Hey you at least got to give it another shot, unfortunately it ended like 99% of second chances. Things just never are the same and issues come back into play. It is clear that she does not want a future with you and doesn't feel the same as you do towards her. You can now turn the page and start a new chapter. She probably will try again to contact you for attention because she knows you'll probably be there again wanting for her, but nothing will change so you really have to see this for what it is now.....over.

[trustyourself]

When someone that is that age uses their parents as an excuse not to see you, it's really THEM not their parents. Trust me! My ex was very much like this. Like you said she's all over the place and doesn't really know what she wants, but you can be sure she doesn't really want you.

 

This might be true. I have a hunch it is actually a combination of all 3.

Plus her immaturity and her tendency to take the path of least resistance. But yes, she does not really want me.

 

Hey you at least got to give it another shot, unfortunately it ended like 99% of second chances. Things just never are the same and issues come back into play. It is clear that she does not want a future with you and doesn't feel the same as you do towards her. You can now turn the page and start a new chapter. She probably will try again to contact you for attention because she knows you'll probably be there again wanting for her, but nothing will change so you really have to see this for what it is now.....over.

 

Yeah, I hear you. The heart is a fickle thing, but I see the writing on the wall. She does not feel the same way, and her immaturity shines through in that the first sign of adversity, she runs from it.

 

I am more mad at myself for letting her back in in the first place.

 

Everyone is saying I will hear from her again. Frustrating, as they are probably right. Not sure what to do about that, but just not respond when it happens.

 

Time for me to regain some dignity and move on.

[dumbass2]

This might be true. I have a hunch it is actually a combination of all 3.

Plus her immaturity and her tendency to take the path of least resistance. But yes, she does not really want me.

 

 

 

Yeah, I hear you. The heart is a fickle thing, but I see the writing on the wall. She does not feel the same way, and her immaturity shines through in that the first sign of adversity, she runs from it.

 

I am more mad at myself for letting her back in in the first place.

 

Everyone is saying I will hear from her again. Frustrating, as they are probably right. Not sure what to do about that, but just not respond when it happens.

 

Time for me to regain some dignity and move on.

 

This right here

[Jersey born raised]

I've read the first 4 pages and decided to jump ahead to post this:

 

There is a reason a person is an ex. This is the first rule.

The person leaving that relationship will seek someone who does "solve" that reason.

 

Yet the reasons the first relationship where good but new person perhaps does not measure up to those reasons so that person (your ex) begins reaching out to the origins relationship. Her ex, chaos ensues with new boyfriend (you). Once back with first boyfriend the original problems resurface. So she begins to reach out to you, not to say I am sorry, but as a source of emotional support TO SUSTAIN THE ORIGINAL RELATIONSHIP.

 

Every time she calls is because she is pissed at her boyfriend for not being you in someway- not that she wants you back. This sets you back, but she does not care.

 

Stay no contact ! If she calls, suggest she really needs to discuss with her boyfriend not you. Stress that there is no place for a third party with a romantic interest in a two party intimate relationship. Suggest IC or MC say good bye and hang up.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[SpecialJ]

Ugh. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm not surprised. I said in the last round that she's a terrible communicator, and that is really difficult for someone to change if she's not willing to admit it and interested in working on it.

 

Honestly, I think she sounds like she has some pretty major issues and you're dodging a huge bullet. She did you a favor by showing you she hasn't changed at all and you'd be better off moving on to someone mature who can love you without making excuses. I bet you'll find yourself FAR less insecure in that situation -- but maybe also worth working on any personal issues you have that may trigger those insecurities so you're better about it in your next relationship.

Edited July 17, 2017 by SpecialJ

[trustyourself]

Ugh. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm not surprised. I said in the last round that she's a terrible communicator, and that is really difficult for someone to change if she's not willing to admit it and interested in working on it.

 

Honestly, I think she sounds like she has some pretty major issues and you're dodging a huge bullet. She did you a favor by showing you she hasn't changed at all and you'd be better off moving on to someone mature who can love you without making excuses. I bet you'll find yourself FAR less insecure in that situation -- but maybe also worth working on any personal issues you have that may trigger those insecurities so you're better about it in your next relationship.

 

Hi SpecialJ,

 

I completely agree with you. Honestly, I should not have even entertained the idea of re-uniting, but the heart wants what it wants, and I got burned again.

 

I told her this was it, no going back. Hopefully she heeds that and leaves me alone now.

 

It is amazing how the toxic relationships are the ones that seem the hardest to get over? I guess its because they do the most damage.

 

I hope to really tackle my insecurities, and I do know it is mainly thanks to her that I have them. i cant wait to meet someone who I can completely trust, that will show me I am important to them.

 

I hope you are doing well? I hope your journey has been smoother than mine

[BryanSmiley]

Sounds like her behaviours caused a lot of your insecurities and anxieties which is what happened with me. My ex once referred to me as having ‘issues’ when I pointed out it was a little rude and inappropriate she was texting a male friend at 11pm for half an hour, laying next to me in bed, not saying a word to me. Now I didn’t insinuate anything, just that it was impolite and a little odd. Yet I was made to feel I was a paranoid, insecure nut job.

 

I wish I’d have trusted my gut and walked away but you’re right, we can over compromise and have our take on things skewed a bit at times. I bet there’s little realisation on your exes part that it was her very behaviours that caused the responding behaviours of yours, or has ever considered taking much responsibility. Just as with mine. It’s frustrating as hell and leaves you feeling you compromised, still lost, didn’t play strong enough ball, and yet as the dumpee are still left with the dumpee knee jerk feelings of wanting back what you lost. If they can feel that, it almost validates to themselves that they did little wrong. Which is entirely false.