Ex GF (Dumper) just called me after a month of NC

[SpecialJ]

�� just enjoy your weekend! Get yourself a birthday present for getting through all this!

 

Aw, my cake emoji didn't show up

[trustyourself]

So almost exactly one month to the day since the phone call, I got some texts. Usual crap about missing me, hope I am doing well, and having a great day.

 

Then she texted me and asked if we could have lunch sometime, or if it was too soon.

 

Thoughts?

[jamili]

So almost exactly one month to the day since the phone call, I got some texts. Usual crap about missing me, hope I am doing well, and having a great day.

 

Then she texted me and asked if we could have lunch sometime, or if it was too soon.

 

Thoughts?

 

Very interesting... my ex would reach out to me EXACTLY one month between, each month, on the day. Weird how they do this, almost as if they have us on some kind of calendar lol.

 

So, anyways man, to be honest... the way she worded this sounds like she wants to be "friends", or in the very least ease her guilt knowing you don't hate her. Her wanting to meet up for lunch, "if it's not too soon", looks to me like she's over it, and wants to see if you're over it too so you can be friendzoned.

 

I could be wrong.. but that is how it reads to me. As of what you should do... that I'll let someone with better experience advise you on. But... I mean, in my mind, if you go you are going to be friendzoned. I think you COULD use this as an opportunity to reattract her, however, if you were to play your cards perfectly... I mean it might be possible. You could also try to find out why she wants to meet up - if it isn't about reconcilation, you could decline and say you aren't interested in friendship, and to contact you if she changes her mind. OR you could just stay NC (any response is breaking NC).

 

You have a few options here. Keep in mind, if you go and she tries to friendzone you, it will hurt you and reset your healing to Day 1!

[trustyourself]

 

So, anyways man, to be honest... the way she worded this sounds like she wants to be "friends", or in the very least ease her guilt knowing you don't hate her. Her wanting to meet up for lunch, "if it's not too soon", looks to me like she's over it, and wants to see if you're over it too so you can be friendzoned.

 

 

Hey Jam,

 

Yeah, I kind of think that too.

 

She texted that she had lunch at one of our favorite places, and that it wasnt as fun as when we used to go together.

 

What?!

 

As usual, the communication is muddled.

 

She then texted me late in the evening again, all in all 5 groups of texts over a 7 hour period.

 

Very strange. I think I am going to have to ask her what it is that she wants. I would prefer to do that over the phone or better yet, face to face. All this dancing around is a pain in the butt.

 

Reconciliation or nothing has to be the way it is.

[SpecialJ]

I thought Jamili had it well covered.

 

Prepare for nonsense, though if you're going to see her in person, you could always try telling her she owes you a birthday lunch! (Wouldn't actually recommend that, but I think it's a funny idea, all things considered.)

 

But if you're going to respond, I think you're better off asking her what she wants to talk about (without giving anything away about yourself) before agreeing to either meeting or talking further. My ex did this to me a few months ago, said a lot of stuff in person that sounded very regretful and asked me to dinner, then at dinner was shocked when I reminded him we were there to talk about us. He totally balked about it, denied what he had said when we'd made the plans, and said he just wanted to talk about us as friends, and made me feel like I was going crazy... set me back a lot and was followed by my putting everything on the table before I left dinner and then weeks of NC (but the bad kind, focused on what he wanted and not on myself).

 

Good luck!

[Marc878]

The easiest way to NC is just block everything. It appears you're waiting when you should be moving on.

 

That's what she did wasn't it?

 

I don't think I'd hang around hoping to be her plan B

 

There are others out there

[jamili]

Hey Jam,

 

Yeah, I kind of think that too.

 

She texted that she had lunch at one of our favorite places, and that it wasnt as fun as when we used to go together.

 

What?!

 

As usual, the communication is muddled.

 

She then texted me late in the evening again, all in all 5 groups of texts over a 7 hour period.

 

Very strange. I think I am going to have to ask her what it is that she wants. I would prefer to do that over the phone or better yet, face to face. All this dancing around is a pain in the butt.

 

Reconciliation or nothing has to be the way it is.

 

This is the point we come to, and it's the right way of thinking IMO. Do not settle for less. If you want a relationship, don't be her friend. If you want to be her friend, then go, and be her friend. But don't cheat yourself and put yourself in that spot if it's not what you want.

 

Further, she will respect you more if you walk away and turn down friendship. I truly believe that. If you stay her friend after a breakup, I think the chances of you getting back together on any romantic level is pretty much zero - and she will not respect you in the way you want.

 

Personally, if my ex wanted to meet up, I would respond. I would not ignore. But, I would respond by asking why she wants to meet up. I would find out for sure, before agreeing to anything. I would want her to be upfront. IF she said "well I just want to iron things out and make sure we stay friends", or something along those lines, I would decline, tell her what I want, and then just end the conversation and tell her to take care. If she says she wants to meet up to talk about the relationship and working out your problems, then I would go, personally. Mind you, this is what I would do. And this is breaking NC.

[Bufo]

When you figure out that her craziness is beyond redemption you'll think about what she's doing to you now, shake your head, and thank God you didn't involve yourself further in this mess

 

She somehow gets her jollies thinking that you still think of her fondly and but for her resolve would attempt a reconciliation. Let her think that all she wants as long as you maintain NC. Your life is none of her business

 

Next time she calls, pretend to get another call that you must answer. Make it impossible for her to get what she wants out of calling you. Or simply block her number.

 

I walked this path years ago with a girl from college. We broke up. By coincidence we ended up in the same small class together the next fall. I was cordial but not interested. By January shed inveigled herself back into my life. That lasted until August when I declined to answer her question about where the relationship was going. I answered her call the following October but politely involved further involvement. Took me a while to stop being Mr Nice Guy.

 

Disengage. Keep disengaging. No new contact means no new trouble.

[trustyourself]

I hear all of you.

 

I am in two minds. I really do love this girl, even after 4 months post BU. On the other, she needs to grow up and figure out how to be a mature adult and commit to a functional relationship.

 

Some are telling me that the fact she mentioned meeting up might be a positive to reconcilation, and the fact she keeps saying she misses me and is feeling me out to see where I am at.

 

Others are saying dont fall for it because it is all games.

 

I had some kind of anxiety/panic situation today. It made me realize I am a long way from my goal of healing. I guess a little hope is not good at all.

 

I will continue with my own healing and forget about this crap.

[SpecialJ]

I think that's wise. If she really does want to reconcile, she will eventually let you know whether you're speaking or not. If she doesn't let you know but wanted to, then like I said before, it just means she didn't change enough for it to have worked out anyway, and you skipped a big waste of time. Your decision is a win-win!

[trustyourself]

I just read through "No more Mr. Nice Guy!"

 

It blew my mind and has really connected the dots for me.

 

I realized I spent so much time trying to be the nice guy and concentrating on making her happy that I actually started to feel miserable.

 

It has really opened my eyes in the fact that despite her negative qualities, I was a contributor to the failing of the relationship by trying to give so much materially and mentally that I actually withdrew and started to resent it all.

 

I need to put myself first.

 

I almost want to apologize to her. LOL

 

Even if the relationship is truly over, I am grateful to it for opening my eyes, and figuring out what I have to work on.

 

I wish I could talk to her about this.. It is all so clear now that our relationship failing was a two way street. I can fix these shortcomings on my end

 

Maybe a letter once I am on the right track and over it all.

 

I finally see it! I am super stoked!!

 

I will continue NC or at least LC if she continues to contact me, but I have figured out what I need to do to self improve for any future relationships

[Marc878]

No More Mr Nice Guy would just go his own way.

 

He wouldn't settle for breadcrumbs or write a stupid letter pouring his heart out.

 

You need to read it again. You're still trying to make an excuse for contact when she's clearly gone and not worth your time.

 

Look to your own self worth.

[Sweetfish]

I just read through "No more Mr. Nice Guy!"

 

It blew my mind and has really connected the dots for me.

 

I realized I spent so much time trying to be the nice guy and concentrating on making her happy that I actually started to feel miserable.

 

It has really opened my eyes in the fact that despite her negative qualities, I was a contributor to the failing of the relationship by trying to give so much materially and mentally that I actually withdrew and started to resent it all.

 

I need to put myself first.

 

I almost want to apologize to her. LOL

 

Even if the relationship is truly over, I am grateful to it for opening my eyes, and figuring out what I have to work on.

 

I wish I could talk to her about this.. It is all so clear now that our relationship failing was a two way street. I can fix these shortcomings on my end

 

Maybe a letter once I am on the right track and over it all.

 

I finally see it! I am super stoked!!

 

I will continue NC or at least LC if she continues to contact me, but I have figured out what I need to do to self improve for any future relationships

 

Good luck to trying to tell her you read this book and saw your issues... we all have our issues mostly constructed by society, parenting, and nuture. NC is for you and now you risk opening up and taking full blame for the demise of the relationship. I've seen a small fraction of women dig into self help books and personal development.

 

 

You should be grateful of it. Be happy you opened your eyes...

 

You don't need to say anything about what you read or what you did to become..

 

Just be.

[trustyourself]

No More Mr Nice Guy would just go his own way.

 

He wouldn't settle for breadcrumbs or write a stupid letter pouring his heart out.

 

You need to read it again. You're still trying to make an excuse for contact when she's clearly gone and not worth your time.

 

Look to your own self worth.

 

I think you misunderstood. I am not making excuses, and will not contact her.

 

I am saying that it opened my eyes to my own shortcomings in trying to be too nice and neglecting my self worth, which in turn, made me unhappy.

[trustyourself]

Good luck to trying to tell her you read this book and saw your issues... we all have our issues mostly constructed by society, parenting, and nuture. NC is for you and now you risk opening up and taking full blame for the demise of the relationship. I've seen a small fraction of women dig into self help books and personal development.

 

 

You should be grateful of it. Be happy you opened your eyes...

 

You don't need to say anything about what you read or what you did to become..

 

Just be.

 

I guess I did not spend enough time on that post expressing what I meant.

 

I will not be taking blame for the demise of our relationship. I will not be talking to her about this. I am still continuing NC.

 

I am saying that I recognize that I had my own issues, and I am looking forward to working on myself and making myself a better person and using what I have learned to grow and have more stable relationships.

[jamili]

Good luck to trying to tell her you read this book and saw your issues... we all have our issues mostly constructed by society, parenting, and nuture. NC is for you and now you risk opening up and taking full blame for the demise of the relationship. I've seen a small fraction of women dig into self help books and personal development.

 

 

You should be grateful of it. Be happy you opened your eyes...

 

You don't need to say anything about what you read or what you did to become..

 

Just be.

 

Be careful what you wish for. My ex read every self help book on the planet. She essentially recited the entire rhetoric of "No More Mr Nice Guy" to me while breaking up with me and listing all my faults. She read these for her own self help.. but really what happened is she disregarded and misinterpreted most of it as it applied to herself, and instead used the information she learned to project and judge others, spewing these self help ideas out like ammunition.

 

Upon reflection, a lot of the issues she said i had she was right about. She was wrong about me lying (her ultimate claimed reason for ending iy), but she was dead-on about a lot of stuff i did wrong too. Which.. is basically No More Mr Nice Guy concepts. Now that time has passed, i am SO thankful that she opened my eyes to these things, since it will make me a 10x better person and boyfriend/husband in the future. Its sad that she will never get to see the new and improved me, as she firmly believes people dont change (i wholeheartedly disagree with that), but changing FOR her and contacting her TO show her that i changed, is directly adverse to the entire point of the teachings to begin with.

 

As she said herself, you have to live life for YOU and put YOUR needs first.

 

My ex wasnt just aware of the concepts from these books, she was completely obsessed with them. But, had i never dated her, i might never have discovered these flaws in my own self.

[Bromeo]

Spot on jam.

 

Agreed. My breakup hurt like hell, but if I hadn't gone through it, I wouldn't have done the research, worked on myself, learned to communicate better, and gotten my sense of self back. So in that small sense, the breakup made me a better person.

 

I'd prefer in the future to avoid such pain, if possible however. Lol

[Altair0770]

I learned so much from my breakup. All positives about me. I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship, besides falling for her. She was the ultimate problem. Mine was unable to identify red flags.

 

I'll say this time and time again - make your ex work for you back. If they make no effort, it means they have no interest, and you're heading into heartbreak. Doesn't matter how sad or how much they regret breaking up with you. If they make no effort to reconcile, there isn't a chance at all.

 

I don't believe people change. I think we are able to identify flaws within ourselves and work on them to improve ourselves. But ultimately, our personality doesn't really change. I've seen shy people become outgoing. But until I see a narcissist become a decent person, I doubt people change. It's also why most people say an ex is an ex for a reason.

 

Granted, I think the door is always open to reconciliation as long as there was actual love in the relationship. Hence why people that have dumped their SO due to abuse still miss the hell out of them despite they were in hell with that person. But that doesn't mean you should try to force open that door. Let the wind of time either close it or open it. But the good thing for a dumpee is that you control the wind of time if you do proper NC.

 

 

Also, just an FYI. From my experiences, female dumpers have no issues being friends with their ex. They still want them in their life, but want to explore what's out there or not repair a bent relationship. That's why trying to go back to an ex girlfriend is most the time futile. They have to come back to you.

 

I'll repeat...

 

THEY HAVE TO COME BACK TO YOU

[Sweetfish]

Be careful what you wish for. My ex read every self help book on the planet. She essentially recited the entire rhetoric of "No More Mr Nice Guy" to me while breaking up with me and listing all my faults. She read these for her own self help.. but really what happened is she disregarded and misinterpreted most of it as it applied to herself, and instead used the information she learned to project and judge others, spewing these self help ideas out like ammunition.

 

Upon reflection, a lot of the issues she said i had she was right about. She was wrong about me lying (her ultimate claimed reason for ending iy), but she was dead-on about a lot of stuff i did wrong too. Which.. is basically No More Mr Nice Guy concepts. Now that time has passed, i am SO thankful that she opened my eyes to these things, since it will make me a 10x better person and boyfriend/husband in the future. Its sad that she will never get to see the new and improved me, as she firmly believes people dont change (i wholeheartedly disagree with that), but changing FOR her and contacting her TO show her that i changed, is directly adverse to the entire point of the teachings to begin with.

 

As she said herself, you have to live life for YOU and put YOUR needs first.

 

My ex wasnt just aware of the concepts from these books, she was completely obsessed with them. But, had i never dated her, i might never have discovered these flaws in my own self.

 

I hear what your saying... but she waited till the last minute to tell you what bothered her about you. In essence she lacked communicating with you and built up these issues within her. It is also her responsibility to grow as well in a breakup and what makes it great is when people split grown and come back together as a stronger pair

 

The reality is you were not worth a dime to put in the effort to rebuild or fix the relationship. The memories, times, dates, letters and I love yous have no value to her or little value now. Look at all you guys! growing and pushing forward, putting in the hardwork. Some are going to the gym, getting better jobs, learning from your mistakes and changing for the better.

 

Your exe is not doing a damn thing. The quickest resolve for them is to be and sleep with another guy to easily push any feeling for you out or go party, play and have fun. So are just to scare to get hurt... but isnt that a possible faith in a new relationship.

 

Its only when you see true effort from your exe you respond. Why do they deserve a better you? Why do they deserve an upgrade of your formal self when they couldnt possibly fix it when it was rocky. This is proof that when **** hits the fan the resolve is to bail and many of you guys want to crawl back to the exe and "court them"

 

This is the reality for most you guys.

 

You meet girl.

Girl tells you her problems.

You make her happy.

Girl self esteem rises.

You make her better - she levels up- you lose your self.

Men orbit her now..

You get in fight.

New guy gets your girl after you made her a better person.

You are blamed for break up.

Guy accepts break-up

[jamili]

 

You meet girl.

Girl tells you her problems.

You make her happy.

Girl self esteem rises.

You make her better - she levels up- you lose your self.

Men orbit her now..

You get in fight.

New guy gets your girl after you made her a better person.

You are blamed for break up.

Guy accepts break-up

 

This is brutal

[trustyourself]

 

The reality is you were not worth a dime to put in the effort to rebuild or fix the relationship. The memories, times, dates, letters and I love yous have no value to her or little value now.

 

I totally agree with you on the first part. But not so sure about the memories. This is part of the reason they torment us with breadcrumbs. Like the last message from my ex. " I miss you. I ate at our favorite place, it wasnt as fun as when we went together"

 

Your exe is not doing a damn thing.

 

Completely agree with this statement!

 

Its only when you see true effort from your exe you respond. Why do they deserve a better you?

Amen to that. While I can see things I can work on to better myself and put me first, she is the one that ran away and made a million reasons up to do so. I am an awesome boyfriend

 

You meet girl.

Girl tells you her problems.

You make her happy.

Girl self esteem rises.

You make her better - she levels up- you lose your self.

Men orbit her now..

You get in fight.

New guy gets your girl after you made her a better person.

You are blamed for break up.

Guy accepts break-up

 

This is brutal

 

Its brutal because it is true. haha

[SpecialJ]

It's not gender-specific, it's just sucky people. Guys have done it to me, too! It's best to avoid dating people with self esteem problems, because this is how it goes.

[trustyourself]

It's not gender-specific, it's just sucky people. Guys have done it to me, too! It's best to avoid dating people with self esteem problems, because this is how it goes.

 

Definitely. The sad part is they drag you down with them, and then it is a long climb to rebuild your own self esteem.

[trustyourself]

 

Upon reflection, a lot of the issues she said i had she was right about. She was wrong about me lying (her ultimate claimed reason for ending it), but she was dead-on about a lot of stuff i did wrong too.

 

It is amusing how we dealt with the same things.

 

But the call from my first post several months after the breakup was interesting. She never mentioned the initial accusation of the lying and texting other girls, but rather that I was not there emotionally in the final month or two before she ended it. I spent so much time trying to fix her personal issues and be supportive, that I forgot the basic element of affection and physical support when she needed it. She was crying as she told me this.

 

Reading the Mr. Nice Guy book specifically mentions this happening. Spending so much time trying to fix other peoples problems, you drop the ball in the areas that matter without even realizing it.

 

I did have an epiphany yesterday. I realized that we will not get back together. That she has not changed a bit, and that if she wont, there is no going back. I am pretty sure she is well over us, and just reaches out when she is bored or lonely, and has a nostalgic moment.

 

I also realized I am probably better off without her. She does not respect me, and if there is no respect, there is no love or relationship. It was a breakthrough moment for me.

 

Time to move on with my life and concentrate on me.

 

If she contacts me again, I will finally ask her why she is reaching out. I dont want to be her friend.

[trustyourself]

Brief update

 

I feel I have turned a corner so to speak. Like a light switch in my head.

 

I am not sad anymore. I am not hopeful of reconciliation. It is over.

 

I still think about her a lot, but in a different way now. Sometimes angrily (I swear at her in my head when I think about her, haha) and sometimes nostalgically.

 

But the pain is subsiding, and I am starting to rebuild my life one day at a time. I spent the weekend working on some projects I had been putting off due to my state of mind. It felt good to work with my hands again. I will be working on more projects this weekend. Feels good