Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I have been with my wife for 27 years. We have three teenage daughters. Two years ago we decided to spice things up by letting her flirt with another man. Stupid I know. She picked a guy that she knew socially that I didn't know. Bottom line was that once she got to be around him she decided they talk better than we do and she wanted more. That stung me and I didn't agree. She then started a secret affair with him that has led to her deciding we were too different. She fell for him. She has moved out and we split time with the kids. She says she doesn't love me anymore and has picked apart our entire marriage as bad. Doesn't want to work on anything just wants me to coparent the kids and have a better relationship with them. I'm devastated. Found out they had been close at church and did lots together at church during the week while I worked long hours. I wasn't a church goer other than special events. She has dissected our entire marriage pointing out every bad thing I ever did. I'm stunned. Don't feel like I even know her. I love her dearly and I know we've had issues. Not sure what to do. She treats me like I should just accept being friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Yes you were dumb to agree to what amounts to an open marriage. You're only hope is full exposure his and her family, friends, church, etc."without warning" plan it carefully and expose all at once. Tell your kids in a sanitized way. Don't set back and help hide their affair. It just makes you an accomplice. Also a hard 180 immediately. Stay out of the infidelity. Text or email kids or business only, never answer a call directly. If it's not about kids or business ignore. Your biggest enemy is fear and weakness. If you can't stand up and take up for yourself you lose. You sound like the typical Mr NIce Guy which will get you walked on. Better fix that fast. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. It's a short read and will help you. You'd better wake up!!!!!! Read up and apply http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I have been with my wife for 27 years. We have three teenage daughters. Two years ago we decided to spice things up by letting her flirt with another man. Stupid I know. She picked a guy that she knew socially that I didn't know. Bottom line was that once she got to be around him she decided they talk better than we do and she wanted more. That stung me and I didn't agree. She then started a secret affair with him that has led to her deciding we were too different. She fell for him. She has moved out and we split time with the kids. She says she doesn't love me anymore and has picked apart our entire marriage as bad. Doesn't want to work on anything just wants me to coparent the kids and have a better relationship with them. I'm devastated. Found out they had been close at church and did lots together at church during the week while I worked long hours. I wasn't a church goer other than special events. She has dissected our entire marriage pointing out every bad thing I ever did. I'm stunned. Don't feel like I even know her. I love her dearly and I know we've had issues. Not sure what to do. She treats me like I should just accept being friends. Typical cheater rewriting the marital history to justify her affair. Total BS!!!! Definition of friend - loyal, trustworthy and honest. Don't fall fIf this its to aleviate her guilt and be able to say "see he's OK with what I'm doing cause we're friends" She and OM are not your friend. They will destroy you, your family and future. You'd better stand up for yourself. I know it a shock but you'd better wake up!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 She was already cheating before your misguided attempts to spice up with what, I am guessing the hot wife thing. Let me guess, some of this was her idea, right? You fell for it all buddy. What you need to do is file for divorce and expose like Mark said. Sorry that this happened... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 (edited) I would tell her you do not want to be friends or have shared parenting. She can have full responsibility for the kids and you will write checks. Tell her you wasted the best years of your life on her and it is past time for you to spice up your life like she did. If you are still sharing a house, move out. Edited March 21, 2017 by Simple Logic Link to post Share on other sites
Momof3littleones Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I'm sorry. This is similar to what I'm going through now although my husband is saying he's not dating this other person, but I'm sure he wants to eventually. And he's done that remembering the marriage as being some parts bad too. You're going to go through a lot of phases but eventually you'll reach acceptance. I'm at that part now. Is this a person you want to be married to? Focus on having a good relationship with your kids. I know how hard it is though. This is not easy, just take it one day at a time for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Appreciate the thoughts. She is pretty level headed but when I confronted her after finding multiple calls a day on her cell phone she denied it. Now she says I knew what she was doing. She went to counselor today and told all about the crap I did. Most of it true guys. I was a military type. She basically said she didn't want to work on the marriage but wanted me to work on relationships with my kids. I love her dearly and feel lost and alone. Not ready to give up. Been separated since 1 February. She originally wanted to leave in October but I tore my ankle and she stayed for that. We had lost the romance so partly my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Is there an acronym list anywhere Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Is there an acronym list anywhere LoveShack.org Community Forums - FAQ: Reading, posting, editing, and deleting messages when I confronted her after finding multiple calls a day on her cell phone she denied it. Of course, cheaters always lie, lie lie until they are blue in the face. And then carry on lying, even when you show them conclusive proof that they are lying, they make up more lies to cover up the old lies. Not ready to give up. Have you heard the phrase "it takes 2 to tango"? That applies more than ever to marriages, and especially repairing a damaged marriage. Unfortunately it really doesn't matter how much you want to tango, if you've got your Argentinian heels and best shimmying pants on, it makes not one jot of difference. She is sitting on the sidelines with her arms folded and has stated quite clearly multiple times that she does not want to tango. You can't force her, and even if you could, she would only be doing it under duress. I'm afraid "giving up" is your only option here. We had lost the romance so partly my fault. No, not your fault that she chose to cheat rather than work on the marriage. The damaged marriage may be 50/50 responsibility, but her choice to cheat, and destroy what was left of the marriage, was 100% her fault. The only thing you can do now is to file for divorce and work on a relationship with your kids. Don't be friends with her, just be civil. Don't talk to her or discuss anything unless it directly relates to the kids or the divorce process. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 God help me. I'm shaking so bad today. I can't believe my situation. If I expose the relationship with nothing more than phone records then what and to who? She'll just say I made her do it and tell the kids lies about how I treated her. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Like I said fear and weakness are your worst enemies. You can't get strong and stand up for yourself then they will destroy you, your family and future. If you lay back do nothing that's on you. You are not to blame for the affair. You are responsible for how you handle this. No one is going to do this for you. 6 months or a year from now after everything has been taken from you and destroyed are you going to be glad you did nothing? Sounds like you are paralyzed with fear. YOU'D BETTER WAKE UP!!!!!!!! I'm sure your wife and her boyfriend appreciate you doing nothing but at done point you'll wish you had. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 You act like a lamb being led to slaughter. Affairs thrive in secret and dark. Exposure is the only way to end this. That why you prepare and do it all at once with no warning. Go dark and let her deal with it. I'd explain it to my kids in a sanitized way. She'll be mad but thats a good thing. Better get started!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Weakness is very unattractive to a woman. Strength is attractive. You'd better man up. I suspect this maybe why you are where you are. Why????? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 You can do this. Anytime I've seen someone take a stand afterward it's a huge sense of relief. I think you know this. You don't have much to lose and a lot to gain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Alright Marc I have been humble because I know I was always the winner of arguments. I could have done so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Rod buddy... Look man, you are not hearing everyone. Your wife choose to cheat and leave you for her new exciting relationship. It is not your fault. Were you perfect, no. Were you the best husband ever, no. Was she the best wife in the world, no. Did you start a secret affair and leave her, NO. This is on her in every way. All marriages have issues. But not everyone cheats. You have go to understand that. Also, could you elaborate on the "Flirting thing". What were your and her plans for that, where were you headed? Not to judge anything at all, but trying to understand what happened. You need to get strong and hang tough. BTW, is it not obvious that she is having an affair to everyone. She moved in with another guy, so what kind of proof do you need to be able to expose her to everyone? Regardless, you have to pull your head out and get yourself together or you are gong to get hurt way worse in the long run... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 She didn't move in with him. She's down the street in a rental. Her idea of being good to the girls. As far as why we did it I'd say that it would turn me on to show her off. There's a lot more though. I hurt my back in 03 and had to hide it because I flew for a living. Military. This caused much anxiety and I started having panic attacks. Got over the back mostly but anxiety stayed. I withdrew a lot although I didn't realize it. She did lots and I worked and stayed home a lot. Bad formula. She's social and I wasn't. She did stuff with kids and I provided but I was always getting mad about stuff. We argued and I was controlling like my dad. She is a beautiful size 4 woman at 46. I just let things sputter because I was tired all the time. So I guess I feel I needed to let her beat me up some and maybe that would help some of her anger at my not participating in our family outside of the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Wasn't a total recluse but being involved at the church was what I should have done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 I think she is waiting for the school year to end before dropping the bomb. I see phone records and know she calls him daily and I'm sure meets him too. Both are in the renovation business and I know they have worked on projects together. She started getting bolder and arguing more aggressively with me. Of course I would yell even louder. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 You are making excuses as to why this is all your fault probably so you don't have to actually do anything except set around and play the victim. Your wife and boyfriend would love that. You own 50% of the marriage you had nothing to do with her going out and having an affair. That was a conscious decision on her part to start screwing another man. I'm sure your wife isn't perfect either. Did you cheat on her because of it? All cheaters blame the spouse to help justify the affair. There is no excuse. Rob, sit around and play poor Rob and see what that gets you. It's time for action and you'll either rise up and expose all this or you won't. Rolling over like a doormat will get you nothing. Talk at this time won't accomplish a thing. Your actions are all that may make a difference unles you want a divorce because that's where you're headed. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 She didn't move in with him. She's down the street in a rental. Her idea of being good to the girls. As far as why we did it I'd say that it would turn me on to show her off. There's a lot more though. I hurt my back in 03 and had to hide it because I flew for a living. Military. This caused much anxiety and I started having panic attacks. Got over the back mostly but anxiety stayed. I withdrew a lot although I didn't realize it. She did lots and I worked and stayed home a lot. Bad formula. She's social and I wasn't. She did stuff with kids and I provided but I was always getting mad about stuff. We argued and I was controlling like my dad. She is a beautiful size 4 woman at 46. I just let things sputter because I was tired all the time. So I guess I feel I needed to let her beat me up some and maybe that would help some of her anger at my not participating in our family outside of the house. Excuse to do nothing Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Wasn't a total recluse but being involved at the church was what I should have done. Excuse to do nothing Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I think she is waiting for the school year to end before dropping the bomb. I see phone records and know she calls him daily and I'm sure meets him too. Both are in the renovation business and I know they have worked on projects together. She started getting bolder and arguing more aggressively with me. Of course I would yell even louder. I would bet a lot of people already know. Maybe even your kids. I would tell them right before I put out the exposure and show them the phone records. Your kids are older correct? If you put a PI on it you could get the hard proof if it's an at fault state. Maybe worth considering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Counselor says if I focus on the affair I won't gain anything. But if I can show personal growth it might gain her trust back. Wife doesn't think I can change. Yea I'd like to blow his head off but that just shows the anger that repulsed her. He played it cool the whole time. Said just the right thing and divorced his wife in 2015. Don't know if that came as a result of his attraction to mine or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rod87 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Church people. Right. Wife went to pastor before the break and sold him on verbal abuse. Counselor said wife said I called her a stupid bitch while pregnant. I have no recollection of that at all. Don't even remember fighting when she was pregnant. She's going way back to justify her leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
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