Separated with little hope

[Marc878]

I have been with my wife for 27 years. We have three teenage daughters. Two years ago we decided to spice things up by letting her flirt with another man. Stupid I know. She picked a guy that she knew socially that I didn't know. Bottom line was that once she got to be around him she decided they talk better than we do and she wanted more. That stung me and I didn't agree. She then started a secret affair with him that has led to her deciding we were too different. She fell for him. She has moved out and we split time with the kids. She says she doesn't love me anymore and has picked apart our entire marriage as bad. Doesn't want to work on anything just wants me to coparent the kids and have a better relationship with them. I'm devastated. Found out they had been close at church and did lots together at church during the week while I worked long hours. I wasn't a church goer other than special events. She has dissected our entire marriage pointing out every bad thing I ever did. I'm stunned. Don't feel like I even know her. I love her dearly and I know we've had issues. Not sure what to do. She treats me like I should just accept being friends.

 

Make sure you add the pastor and folks in the church to the exposure list.

Your wife and boyfriend are hypocrites.

[Marc878]

Counselor says if I focus on the affair I won't gain anything. But if I can show personal growth it might gain her trust back. Wife doesn't think I can change. Yea I'd like to blow his head off but that just shows the anger that repulsed her. He played it cool the whole time. Said just the right thing and divorced his wife in 2015. Don't know if that came as a result of his attraction to mine or not.

 

Your counselor obviously is not experienced with infidelity. You cannot work on a marriage with an affair going on. How good has that worked for you so far? Huh?

 

You can never nice them back. I've never seen that work one time. Ever.

 

This isn't about you an affair is an addiction. It trumps everything else. An affair is a fantasy. Everything's great until a bright light is shown on it.

 

You expose everyone will quickly put two and two together. They probably already suspect.

 

Your wife is rewriting the marital history to justify her affair and you are doing what about it?

[Marc878]

Counselor says if I focus on the affair I won't gain anything. But if I can show personal growth it might gain her trust back. Wife doesn't think I can change. Yea I'd like to blow his head off but that just shows the anger that repulsed her. He played it cool the whole time. Said just the right thing and divorced his wife in 2015. Don't know if that came as a result of his attraction to mine or not.

 

So you're going to be a cuckold while your wife is deep in a sexual affair with another man?

 

This shows you are weak and letting her have total control of the situation. She's played you for a fool from day one. Getting your permission to just flirt with a certain man, etc.

 

Wake up!!! Can you not see this?

 

This is nothing special just a typical affair. Your wife is no special snowflake just another manipulative cheater. Happens all the time.

[Marc878]

You are trying to mow the grass while the house is burning down.

 

She separated to be able to spend more time with her boyfriend.

 

Pull the phone records. I bet this goes way back. You can go online and get everything in 30 minutes or so.

[Marc878]

Counselor says if I focus on the affair I won't gain anything. But if I can show personal growth it might gain her trust back. Wife doesn't think I can change. Yea I'd like to blow his head off but that just shows the anger that repulsed her. He played it cool the whole time. Said just the right thing and divorced his wife in 2015. Don't know if that came as a result of his attraction to mine or not.

 

You won't be the first or last to go down the wrong path because of an inept counselor. That field is full of bad ones. You'd be wise to change tactics and counselors. Especially if he'd church based.

[Rod87]

Yea phone records go back to 2015. Already exposed that to her. She denied at first now says I knew and didn't care. She is feeling strong and emboldened by her friends and family after discussions of verbal abuse. Yea you're right I'm scared to drop bombs especially with my girls involved. They obviously want us together and are doing ok so far.

[Marc878]

Yea phone records go back to 2015. Already exposed that to her. She denied at first now says I knew and didn't care. She is feeling strong and emboldened by her friends and family after discussions of verbal abuse. Yea you're right I'm scared to drop bombs especially with my girls involved. They obviously want us together and are doing ok so far.

 

You didn't expose to your wife she already knew. You've dug a deep hole by helping hide the affair and your inaction has set the stage for the boyfriend to help raise your girls. Make no mistake of whats coming here.

 

You are not doing your girls or you any favors. Their world is about to blow up and you are sitting in the corner doing nothing.

 

Make no mistake the boyfriend will take your place and will have your girls 50% of the time. Wouldn't it be better they found out the truth now rather than your wife's lies?

Edited March 22, 2017 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Yea phone records go back to 2015. Already exposed that to her. She denied at first now says I knew and didn't care. She is feeling strong and emboldened by her friends and family after discussions of verbal abuse. Yea you're right I'm scared to drop bombs especially with my girls involved. They obviously want us together and are doing ok so far.

 

She's emboldened because you've allowed her to have it all her way.

 

The ones who come out of these predicaments best get strong and stay there.

 

You are playing right into their plans.

 

You'd better wake up!!!!!

 

How old are the girls?

[Marc878]

If you are to affraid to do anything why not Go ahead and file for divorce. She's admitted the affair to you.

 

Unlike most you know and have known what's going on. Hope is a dangerous thing. It will keep you paralyzed and in limbo while your world as you knew it comes crashing down around you. Perhaps then you'll wake up but it will be too late.

 

You're probably hoping it'll all just go away and you won't have to actually do anything.

 

Those are your kids and you are their father. Do you think they would be proud of you sitting back doing nothing as they are moved into another mans home to live with him while you get visitation rights. They get to live under his rules as your wife will get primary custody.

 

Wake the hell up!!!!!!!!

[Marc878]

You've talked youself into doing nothing and helping cover up this sordid affair and that this is going to protect your kids. In reality you are helping seal their fate.

 

If you do expose do it cool, calm and collect. Ask for help in ending their affair so it won't destroy your family. Don't do it in a vengeful way.

 

In the meantime hard 180 on your wife. Talk will get you nothing. She's deep in the affair world. Nothing you can say will change that at this time.

 

Read up on affair exposure. Do not go off half cocked. You'll only get one chance to do this right. Well prepared statement all at once

 

You may want to reach out to other mans X wife. I bet she knows a lot and could help you at this time.

[Marc878]

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your spouse’s secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can do to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he’s doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

 

Exposure Targets

 

You should target the parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the affair partner, workplace (if a workplace affair), spouse of the affair partner, pastor, Facebook friends of the affair partner.

 

Exposure Timing

 

Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.

 

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The “affairees” should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the “affairees” from pre-empting you.

[road]

Rod, it is not your fault that your WW had an affair. The decision

and blame is all on your WW.

 

 

Ignore your WW's fog babble falsely justifying her affair. All WW's

do this. Fire your marriage councilor she is not competent to deal

with affairs in marriages. You are just throwing good money after

bad.

 

 

Telling your WW that she is having an affair is confronting her and

that is good but that is not exposing the affair.

 

 

Exposure is the number 1 tool to kill an affair. To do exposure

correctly you do not warn your WW or threaten her with if you do

not stop this affair I will expose. All you would have done is to

warn the WW and the OM to do damage control which will greatly

lessen the impact of your exposure.

 

 

You need to copy and past WW and OM face book friends list.

Because once you start exposure you do not want access to this

contact information denied to you.

 

 

You need to tell the head of your local church that the OM and your

WW are conducting an affair and using church activities as a cover.

 

 

You need to tell WW's parents, siblings, aunts and uncles. People

that will not approve of her affair. They will bring pressure to end the

affair. Also tell the same equivalent people for the OM.

 

 

The most important OM exposure target is his BW/GF.

 

 

Once you have all the contact information then do your exposure all

at once. This way maximum pressure will be applied to end the affair.

 

 

When exposure is completed do not tell your WW. Just sit back and

wait for her to respond. She will be angry. Madder she gets indicates

the exposure was that more effective.

 

 

Many WW will say I was going to stay but now that you have exposed

our marriage is over. That is just the WW trying to scare you so you

stop trying to kill the affair and save the marriage.

 

 

If you have left the house move back in. Moving out hurts you legally

during the divorce trial and child custody.

 

 

Last exposure target is your kids. No details need be given that mom and the OM are having sex.

 

 

Appropriate exposure for kids is to tell them that moms and dads do not

have BF/GF and go on dates with them. Well mom has a BF and is going

out on dates with _____________(insert OM name). What mom is

doing is known as having an affair.

 

 

As to when this affair started. It started before WW sold you on the idea

for her to date the OM.

 

 

The longer an affair goes on the harder it is to kill. So the time to be decisive is now.

You are at war to save you marriage and family. Time to

man up and fight. I have seen many affairs. Never saw a BH that

regretted exposing his WW's affair. Though I have seen many BH that

they regretted waiting to expose WW's affair.

 

 

As to have proof. You have all the proof that you need your WW admitted

the affair to you. Get the exposure done.

Edited March 22, 2017 by road

[PegNosePete]

Counselor says if I focus on the affair I won't gain anything. But if I can show personal growth it might gain her trust back.

WTF man. You're trying to gain her trust back? While SHE is off screwing another guy??? Do you not see how ridiculous that sounds? Do you really think she will see your personal growth while she's in la la land with another man?

 

If that was my counsellor I would tell him that he's an idiot and I won't be seeing him again.

 

Wife doesn't think I can change.

Who gives a good gorram what SHE THINKS??? What she thinks or not, should be the last thing in your mind right now. What you should be looking at is HOW SHE ACTS. She is having an affair with another man. You should be telling her if you don't stop your affair RIGHT NOW then I will divorce you TOMORROW. And don't give 2 flying fudges what she or the idiot counsellor think!

 

Yea you're right I'm scared to drop bombs

You don't need to drop bombs. Bombs are aggressive and explosive. You just need to act like a strong, capable man and stand up for yourself, and not be intimidated or scared of what the future might hold.

 

What kind of example are you setting your kids? You're showing them that being weak and letting someone trample all over you, is perfectly normal behaviour. Much better to teach them to say NO when someone (even someone they love) treats them like a piece of dog dirt they just stepped in. What would you tell your daughter to do if she had a boyfriend who was cheating on her?

 

You need to see a lawyer and file for divorce TODAY and stop acting like a frightened kitten.

Edited March 22, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Rod87]

Wtf!!! Counselor has been texting wife and told her she was concerned about me like I was stressing out. Why would a counselor do that? Doesn't help.

[road]

Because the councilor is bad. Fire her and get the exposure done.

 

 

So WW gets mad.

 

 

So what is WW going to do to punish you?

 

 

WW is already banging the OM. WW can't do

anything worse except the more sex they have

the more likely she will get a disease, pregnant

or both by the OM. Get exposure done if you

want this nightmare to end.

[Marc878]

Wtf!!! Counselor has been texting wife and told her she was concerned about me like I was stressing out. Why would a counselor do that? Doesn't help.

 

Your so called counselor should know better than to speak about your situation with anther. Obviously not a good one.

 

Seek a professional with experience in infidelity.

 

As everyone says. Exposure!!!! You hid this long enough.

[PegNosePete]

Why would a counselor do that?

Because she is a terrible, possibly law-breaking, counsellor.

 

You should report her to her governing body for breach of trust and ethics. At a minimum, stop seeing her.

 

And then file for divorce.

[oldshirt]

But if I can show personal growth it might gain her trust back. .

 

This is what is known as the "Pick Me! Dance".

 

It is what humiliates and emasculates you the most and what makes you look the most pathetic and weak in her (and everyone else's) eyes.

 

The "Pick Me! Dance" is what you will regret the most down the road after this is all over regardless if you move or if you take her back.

 

When the BS does the "Pick Me! Dance", the WS knows that they have won and that they can do anything to the BS and the BS will just dance harder and do more and more desperate stuff to keep them around.

 

While you may think that you are showing her who is the better man and that you will "win her back," the reality is all you are doing is reinforcing and rewarding her bad behavior and giving her license to screw around more and treat you worse.

[Marc878]

This is what is known as the "Pick Me! Dance".

 

It is what humiliates and emasculates you the most and what makes you look the most pathetic and weak in her (and everyone else's) eyes.

 

The "Pick Me! Dance" is what you will regret the most down the road after this is all over regardless if you move or if you take her back.

 

When the BS does the "Pick Me! Dance", the WS knows that they have won and that they can do anything to the BS and the BS will just dance harder and do more and more desperate stuff to keep them around.

 

While you may think that you are showing her who is the better man and that you will "win her back," the reality is all you are doing is reinforcing and rewarding her bad behavior and giving her license to screw around more and treat you worse.

 

Yep, trying to nice them back is the worst thing you can possibly do. Obviously your counselor doesn't have a clue about dealing with infidelity.

 

His advice is not only bad but damaging as well.

 

Probably a well meaning pastor I'd think. Most are clueless in these situations.