Do you ever change

[Todareistodo]

To cut a long story short , basically i have been dating a guy for a year.

In the early days we were both dating other people , He never asked me so i never told him ( im not making that right ) , I asked him and later found out that he had lied when he told me that he wasnt seeing someone else even though this was only on a NSA casual sex basis.

From this point , we agreed it would only be about us and i found it in myself to forgive the lie and move on - re assurred that contact had stopped.

everything had been great however one night i saw "her" number on his phone so i questioned him - he said that they just spoke from time to time , i wasnt satisfied with this and told him if he wanted to see other people then fine we could have that kind of relationship and i would do the same.

he said he didnt and said if didnt believe him that the friendship was now platonic , i should ask her - I did and she backed up what he had said.

a couple of weeks ago , i got a gut feeling that something was wrong and i dug !

It turns out that the NSA buddy has been popping over once a month to six weeks since about 3/4 months ago and that they both agreed it would be secret.

obviously this created the usual feelings which come with lies and betrayel.

 

He is now coming to me telling me how sorry he is for everything i have done , how it was only sex and although there is no excuse he does not know why he did it other then it was there !! He is telling me he wants to make it better and he wants to be the better man.

he is prepared to go before my friends and family and take a slating and basically will do anything as he now realised what he had

 

I love him and i am sad that the progress i thought we would make has been robbed as in my mind , we would have to completely re start our relationship all over again , and he would have to recognise what led him to make the choices he did in order to put them right ( im pretty sure its ego and self esteem)

 

Can people change this about themselves , can you ever trust anyone in the same way once they have made the same choices.

How do you even begin to recognise that people want to change themselves?

 

I'm not a youngster , im a mid 40 mature women - I dont consider myself to have a low self esteem but i do consider myself far too kind hearted and i do always try to look for the good in people.

 

Has anyone ever overcome this sort of challenge - i have had to make him recognise that this would take me as much work as him as it is me who has been let down

[Simple Logic]

Oh come now, you know the answer to this. Not only did he lie to you, he solicited his FWB to lie to you.

[mikeylo]

He is taking advantage of your kind nature. There is a reason why kindness is not found in people anymore!

 

As for changing, people change only if they want to.

[Space Ritual]

To cut a long story short , basically i have been dating a guy for a year.

In the early days we were both dating other people , He never asked me so i never told him ( im not making that right ) , I asked him and later found out that he had lied when he told me that he wasnt seeing someone else even though this was only on a NSA casual sex basis.

From this point , we agreed it would only be about us and i found it in myself to forgive the lie and move on - re assurred that contact had stopped.

everything had been great however one night i saw "her" number on his phone so i questioned him - he said that they just spoke from time to time , i wasnt satisfied with this and told him if he wanted to see other people then fine we could have that kind of relationship and i would do the same.

he said he didnt and said if didnt believe him that the friendship was now platonic , i should ask her - I did and she backed up what he had said.

a couple of weeks ago , i got a gut feeling that something was wrong and i dug !

It turns out that the NSA buddy has been popping over once a month to six weeks since about 3/4 months ago and that they both agreed it would be secret.

obviously this created the usual feelings which come with lies and betrayel.

 

He is now coming to me telling me how sorry he is for everything i have done , how it was only sex and although there is no excuse he does not know why he did it other then it was there !! He is telling me he wants to make it better and he wants to be the better man.

he is prepared to go before my friends and family and take a slating and basically will do anything as he now realised what he had

 

I love him and i am sad that the progress i thought we would make has been robbed as in my mind , we would have to completely re start our relationship all over again , and he would have to recognise what led him to make the choices he did in order to put them right ( im pretty sure its ego and self esteem)

 

Can people change this about themselves , can you ever trust anyone in the same way once they have made the same choices.

How do you even begin to recognise that people want to change themselves?

 

I'm not a youngster , im a mid 40 mature women - I dont consider myself to have a low self esteem but i do consider myself far too kind hearted and i do always try to look for the good in people.

 

Has anyone ever overcome this sort of challenge - i have had to make him recognise that this would take me as much work as him as it is me who has been let down

 

 

There have been cases even here on LS where someone has been able to change their spots. Usually it occurs when the person has suffered enough consequences for their actions to open their eyes to the damage they have caused.

 

All too often though, the work that someone must do in order to become a safe partner is far too daunting. Because it is a continuing process. They have to know that the work is no guarantee that the other person has every right to decide at any time that it is not enough and bail.

 

So that is usually the biggest deterrent against doing the work. No guarantees.

 

That's where the age old argument of Regret vs. Remorse comes into play. Your BF is in the regret stage. He is sorry he got caught. He is not sorry he got to keep banging this other woman and she was more than happy to keep the charade going by lying to you herself.

 

Remorse is something much akin to "knowing it when you see it".

 

This relationship is over for all intents and purposes. Cut your losses now so you don't have to deal with him possibly doing it again. because if he feels he can get away with it, he will.

[road]

Dump him....

[inigele14u]

To cut a long story short , basically i have been dating a guy for a year.

In the early days we were both dating other people , He never asked me so i never told him ( im not making that right ) , I asked him and later found out that he had lied when he told me that he wasnt seeing someone else even though this was only on a NSA casual sex basis.

From this point , we agreed it would only be about us and i found it in myself to forgive the lie and move on - re assurred that contact had stopped.

everything had been great however one night i saw "her" number on his phone so i questioned him - he said that they just spoke from time to time , i wasnt satisfied with this and told him if he wanted to see other people then fine we could have that kind of relationship and i would do the same.

he said he didnt and said if didnt believe him that the friendship was now platonic , i should ask her - I did and she backed up what he had said.

a couple of weeks ago , i got a gut feeling that something was wrong and i dug !

It turns out that the NSA buddy has been popping over once a month to six weeks since about 3/4 months ago and that they both agreed it would be secret.

obviously this created the usual feelings which come with lies and betrayel.

 

He is now coming to me telling me how sorry he is for everything i have done , how it was only sex and although there is no excuse he does not know why he did it other then it was there !! He is telling me he wants to make it better and he wants to be the better man.

he is prepared to go before my friends and family and take a slating and basically will do anything as he now realised what he had

 

I love him and i am sad that the progress i thought we would make has been robbed as in my mind , we would have to completely re start our relationship all over again , and he would have to recognise what led him to make the choices he did in order to put them right ( im pretty sure its ego and self esteem)

 

Can people change this about themselves , can you ever trust anyone in the same way once they have made the same choices.

How do you even begin to recognise that people want to change themselves?

 

I'm not a youngster , im a mid 40 mature women - I dont consider myself to have a low self esteem but i do consider myself far too kind hearted and i do always try to look for the good in people.

 

Has anyone ever overcome this sort of challenge - i have had to make him recognise that this would take me as much work as him as it is me who has been let down

 

It was when you started a committed relationship then you both were still dating other people - that is when your relationship was doomed to fail. Subconsciously, he was never in a committed relationship with you. That's why from the start, you never date other people. He is not untrustworthy, and the relationship has long been exhausted. Proceed at your own and guaranteed peril.